INT. MIKE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT JOSH and MIKE sit in folding chairs while TAPAN reclines on the bed, forming an equilateral triangle. They're talking into microphones. TAPAN You want to MARRY the rhino!? JOSH Look, I just want to be remembered. TAPAN Remembered? As the guy who saddled up and rode his bride to the altar? There's a loud BANG of crashing furniture from outside the room. TAPAN keeps talking. MIKE Guys, hold on. Do you hear that? TAPAN Was it Josh's rhino wife? MIKE No. Guys. I think... ...
Sep 13, 2019•1 hr 1 min•Ep. 116
Matrimony: life's greatest thrill. Much like a rollercoaster, marriage has its ups and downs, which is a terrible thing to say if you're toasting at a wedding. And if there's one thing you'd think we here at Instead Of are qualified to do, it's toast at weddings. Fear not! Much like pretending we grew up speaking Spanish, we can fake almost anything. Listen in as we toast the various merits of virtual strangers who portioned off some love for their new partners. Later on, Josh somehow fails to h...
Sep 06, 2019•38 min•Ep. 115
Here at Instead Of HQ, we take a lot of things for granted. The beautiful sound of a toilet refilling after a strong flush falls on six deaf ears. We don't give our dishwashers nearly enough credit. We stroll through our bird-free parking garages blissfully unaware. So when our toilets no longer flush, when our dishwashers reach capacity, when our parking garages are overrun by bloodthirsty packs of birds, we're toast. We're done for. We can't cope, and we need help. That's where you come in! Li...
Aug 30, 2019•35 min•Ep. 114
In this great drama we call life, every moment is a scene, each passerby a new character, every massage parlor next to a vacant lot... a stage. Join us, Dear Listener, on a sordid romp through America's least relaxing spa, and along the way, you'll see Mike making terrible choices with his underwear, Tapan suffering through a stranger's thumbs in his eyeballs, and hot, hot stones blistering the skin of their very spines. After that, Josh stands five feet in front of a boat horn. Fin . Pairings: ...
Aug 23, 2019•44 min•Ep. 113
There's something inherently satisfying about the number three—the rule of thirds in photography, the rule of three in writing. ...See? Two isn't enough of anything. Especially podcast hosts. Folks, we're breaking all the rules this week, 'cause Josh ain't our huckleberry and we're weaning ourselves right off the rails he traditionally keeps us on. That's right, it's just Tapan and Mike coming at you raw and unfiltered this time, and boy will you miss your straight man. We wean in and bing all k...
Aug 16, 2019•37 min•Ep. 112
In this one, Josh invents a new kind of déjà vu that happens when you go on a spontaneous one-person trip to visit a really beautiful part of the country you've never seen before, but when you get there it turns out you've already been to Minneapolis-St. Paul. We call it déjà whoops. Like explorers traversing the famous glaciers of New England, in this week's episode we poke our way around the many deep crevasses in Josh's geographic knowledge. If you take a look to your left, you'll see Mike su...
Aug 09, 2019•34 min•Ep. 111
The number one rule of going on a classic guys’ weekend is that the guys’ weekend in question may only be referred to in the vaguest of terms. You see, on a guys’ weekend, a bunch of guys get up to an amount of stuff, and all that really happens is we come home in the end affected by the experience in one way or another; in other words, definitely no evil master plans to kill all the birds in America and also smuggle drugs happen at classic guys’ weekends. That would be way too specific and an o...
Aug 02, 2019•38 min•Ep. 110
Hey, kids! We have good news: Scammy Tammy’s finally getting some non-imaginary friends! You kids are into verisimilitude, right? Coming soon from the makers of Scammy Tammy, a brand new ragtag crew whose hearts are as big as their foreheads. Rock your friends’ worlds with HardDrumsJosh™, an adult paperboy who plays fake music on the internet. So lifelike! Show up to your next play date 40 minutes late with Tardy Tapan, and amaze your friends with his wide collection of closed-toe shoes. Peer Gr...
Jul 26, 2019•40 min•Ep. 109
It takes a shpecial kind of sherson to shit in the hot sheat, and here at Inshtead Of, the shkin on our butts is thick . That's right--in this one, we take the presidential reins and all the butt-heat so that you, the rabble, don't have to. Believe it or not, we make several questionable decrees during our reigns of error, including: killing the Spider-Man once and for all, amassing an army of man-child soldiers, and teaching cats how to throw dope house parties. Pairings: a daisy chain of naked...
Jul 19, 2019•45 min•Ep. 108
107 episodes into this thing, we've finally stumbled across it: the perfect investment strategy. You've tried Ponzi schemes, you've tried multi-level marketing companies, you've tried toothbrushes that are also vibrators... folks, try no more. We've got the solution, and it's oaks. Elms! Birches! Weeping Willows! Trees, people! This money literally grows itself. Get in on the ground floor with us today, and you'll gain access to our exclusive library of other really smart investment ideas, inclu...
Jul 11, 2019•48 min•Ep. 107
Life is chock full of what-if's, ain't it? What if Tapan was the worst doctor in America? What if Mike was also a terrible doctor? What if two really bad doctors teamed up to hurt people? They'd probably need some legal representation, right? Don't worry, in this episode we think of everything. Yep, we power through time and oodles of suburban green space to bring you a hot episode full of cold doc punches, ethical judges, and avocado sunscreen. Pairings: a book; a rival fireworks gang; a sidewa...
Jul 05, 2019•37 min•Ep. 106
Here at Russian Long-Term, we pride ourselves on scaring you deeply. Whether it's our never-ending labyrinth of hallways, our dead-eyed customer service, or the creeping dread that follows you everywhere you go, it's our mission to make you feel like you're in a real David Lynch movie and can never escape. While you're here, you’ll enjoy a range of middling entertainment options, including: Mike leaving the "key" in "whiskey" in a stranger's car; Josh swordfighting with fluorescent lightbulbs, a...
Jun 27, 2019•44 min•Ep. 105
When you really think about it, the relationship between Dr. Frankenstein and his monster is, like, some sort of metaphor. It's def. fraught with this weird kind of loneliness that's v. existential, when you think about it. In conclusion, what Dr. Frankenstein really wanted out of this whole thing was fatherhood . And we get it! Being a dad seems cool: you get to have catches all the time, sometimes your kids grow up to write very short and excellent poems, and other times they grow up to murder...
Jun 21, 2019•43 min•Ep. 104
We have a little saying around the Instead Of offices, and it goes something like this: "An ounce of butt-hurt prevention is worth a pound of butt-hurt cure." We're always saying that, and you know why? Because it's true. When it comes to protecting your butt, we here at Instead Of HQ take a back seat. In a good way! Whether Josh is going straight for our bottoms with his hand, or someone is throwing ice cream at our bottoms, or we smash our bottoms on sharp objects, we always give our bottoms t...
Jun 13, 2019•31 min•Ep. 103
If you could go back and evacuate Pompeii before Mount Vesuvius buried it in thousands of tons of molten rock and ash... would you? If so, we'd appreciate it if you could look around for the remnants of the first episode we recorded this week—an episode, much like Pompeii, now lost to history. Never fear! Like three phoenixes who are also friends, your hosts rise from the ashes of Episode 102a and get down to some serious science business in Episode 102b, in which: we combine ducks and electroma...
Jun 06, 2019•41 min•Ep. 102
This week, on "Grime & Gruft: New Orleans," Josh finds his new elevator family in Southern Eastern America, Mike plays God's manager, and Tapan, much like his spirit Pokemon Metapod, hardens his thick outer shell. Stay tuned through the end of the episode for some bonus lagniappe content! Pairings: a threatening toothbrush; your back, but with a spike on it; legs, previously
May 31, 2019•50 min•Ep. 101
This is it, folks. This is the big one. It's episode 100, and we're celebrating the culmination of nearly two years of buds, sweat, and tears with nothing other than a CUSTOM INSTEAD OF GAME SHOW! That's right, we even have buzzers. Play along with us as we hit all the classic game show tropes you know and love, including: sadly becoming orphans, marrying each other, and oodles and oodles of whoopee talk. Pairings: a chill Thanos; more tuba; sincere gratitude
May 24, 2019•57 min•Ep. 100
We’re makin’ the dunes safe for you and me, From the former beach to the former sea, We’re the Sand Patrol and we’re here to say, Follow the rules and it’ll be okay! No one’s gonna get purged tonight, The Tremors worms won’t eat you. The Sand Patrol will keep you safe, And, Hell, we’ll even greet you! That’s right, in this one we make a show where it’s lifeguards but for sand. Later on, Josh starts a brawl in a pizzeria, Mike introduces PTSD for health, and Tapan stomps all over Josh’s still-bea...
May 17, 2019•33 min•Ep. 99
“Well, Lloyd, another big night at the poker table,” Josh said, taking his seat at the empty bar. He closed his eyes, rested his forehead in his palm. How long had it been? “Did you come out ahead, sir?” said Lloyd, polishing a glass. “Don’t I always,” said Josh, a wry smirk peeling his lips. He sipped the drink Lloyd put in front of him. “Indeed, sir,” said Lloyd. “You know, Lloyd, something’s been on my mind lately.” He looked at Lloyd with a glint in his eye. “I keep coming here, to the beaut...
May 13, 2019•53 min•Ep. 98
Ssssshh! Take our hands, dear listeners, as we guide you on a tour of the deepest recesses of our powder-addled minds. Oh, the places we'll go: we'll walk along magnificent concrete beaches, we'll fly in really slow planes, we'll go straight to the hospital for liking motorcycles too much. A few ground rules before we embark on Episode 97: 1). no snitching 2). no speeding 3). the music has always been within you. Oh, and one last thing: please do keep quiet—we mustn't disturb the floes. Pairings...
May 02, 2019•35 min•Ep. 97
Like all good podcasts, we start this one off with a topic of general interest. Now, we know what you're thinking: "I have general interests. I bet this is the episode for me." Think again, listener. Think again. If you want to hear about crying neon tears out of your nose, we've got you covered. If you want us to insult your mom, no problem. Hell, if you want us to get you drunk on rotgut and trap you in a terrible storm—we're your men. Just definitely don't listen to this one if: a) you love c...
Apr 26, 2019•41 min•Ep. 96
Like most podcasts, we here at Instead Of trade in vulnerability. From singing very embarrassing songs to falling out of chairs on our butts to confronting our biases, we expose our soft, round bellies to you in this one. Along the way, Josh gets an ego boost from notorious braggart James Lipton, Mike screams his way to seventh place, and Tapan crams it for a whole hour. Pairings: a barrelful of priceless DVDs; sick lightsaber moves; more pills, damnit! Click here to fill out Josh's silly survey...
Apr 19, 2019•32 min•Ep. 95
In this one, Josh KICKS TAPAN IN THE DICK, Tapan PUNCHES MIKE REALLY HARD, we all SLAP EACH OTHER'S FACES and SAY MEAN THINGS, Josh and Tapan HIT MIKE WITH CHAIRS, Josh gets SLAMMED INTO A TABLE, we JUMP OFF CAGES ONTO EACH OTHER'S STOMACHS, Mike PUSHES JOSH OVER VERY AGGRESSIVELY, Tapan PULLS HIS OWN HAIR, and we finally BEAT EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH LADDERS. Welcome to our wrestling episode! In this one, we get to the bottom of why all these folks are so mad at each other. Later on, Josh is ha...
Apr 12, 2019•37 min•Ep. 94
Welcome back to Hypertheticals, the long-tail podcast where three biologists don't get each other's jokes. We're doing all your favorite segments this week: Bozos in Charges, Finding Nemo Chat, and the ever-popular Butt Hacks. Just kidding! It's Instead Of here, doing one of those classic early April goofs. We recorded this one on April 1st, and boy did we get got. Additionally, Tapan cultivates a Danish aesthetic in his party area, Mike meets an ancient Spartan, and Josh has the hardest butt in...
Apr 05, 2019•37 min•Ep. 93
Rhyme:reason::time:season. Think about it. Now that you've thought about it, you've realized that, much like this episode, that analogy doesn't mean anything. Yep, it's all noise and no signal in this one--not gonna find any rhyme or reason here, nor really any meaning at all. We filled the time, sure, and oh! were there laughs, but did we really say anything? We certainly designed some Jibbitz, and we did come to a mousse/moose truce. There was the singing at the end, too. Oh, the singing. Pair...
Mar 28, 2019•32 min•Ep. 92
You might have felt magic the first time you looked into your partner's eyes. Perhaps you've witnessed one of David Blaine's many street miracles. Maybe you're god. In any case, real-life magic is hard to come by. There are a few guaranteed places to find it, though: on the Game of Thrones planet, in select David Blaine episodes, and at Mike Bogart's Magic Store. Here at Mike Bogart's Magic Store, 5% of our loot chests contain bona fide magic, but the real trick's on you! Also in this episode, J...
Mar 21, 2019•45 min•Ep. 91
Danger: life's thrillingest sensation. When we're in danger here at Instead Of HQ, our bodies get all excited. You know the feeling—that's the thing, everyone knows the thrill of midlevel danger. Some of your hosts even seek it, whether by somersaulting through the back alleys in gangs of thieving, tumbling toddler tinmen, or by CALLING THE ROBOTS BACK. That's right—we take on robocalling in this one, and boy do we miss our social security numbers. Later on, Josh follows through on a promise, Mi...
Mar 15, 2019•50 min•Ep. 90
What do we know about death? You might be dumb-cocked to find out that if you play your death right, it can save you a bit of cash, and even dying incorrectly can give you a clean break from the daily grind. When our golden boys flex their other brains like this, you’re sure to learn something new, like how to be an hvaccessory to a scam sweeping the southeast United States or how to bring some excitement to your potty, your mouth, or your potty mouth. Pairings: a strongly-encouraging letter fro...
Mar 07, 2019•43 min•Ep. 89
When it comes to solving your day-to-day business problems, everybody knows that consultants have all the answers. Here at the firm of Jani Harrison Bogart, we consult on all sorts of crap, including: pizza, and how to sell it for less than you paid, fundamentally altering the pillars of American democracy, how to find the one person at work it's okay to touch, and more. Also in this episode, we slam a big stack of burgers, spit on each other, and come face-to-face with LORD DUMP ANT. Pairings: ...
Mar 01, 2019•37 min•Ep. 88
Man, this is one of those classic 'sodes where all we do is vamp and gab. Tapan Krangs Mike around for awhile, we each give each other a good Hegsething, and we even climax in Apex. Later on, Tapan treats us to a savvy Super Saiyan sidebar, Mike baywatches some Aussie hunks, and Josh, well... Josh compromises the paper layer. Pairings: l33t crane hackz; a shorter cat commute; a Dakota (to boot)
Feb 22, 2019•34 min•Ep. 87
