Our teammates: we kiss them deeply, we get colonics together, and we savage them with drumsticks until they finally do the foley right. This week at Instead Of HQ, we're propping up each other's dead bodies and Whiplashing like Bernie to bring you hot content such as: ping pong, spitting in jars, Tapan's Oscar snub, and eating the feelings of your friends. Pairings: a screen to watch videos on; versatile tubing; a kissable bestie
If there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Instead Of, it's staying current with the coolest fads and the trending hashtags out there, which is why—you guessed it—this episode is Bundy-adjacent. That's right: we saw the show, too, and boy are we gonna talk about it. Later on, Tapan puts his cup down, flips it, and reverses it, Mike gets even with Brian Urlacher, and Josh explains why Coolio is still cool enough to hang out with kids. Pairings: The phone of a ninja; the confidence of a co...
Sometimes the best moments in life are the ones that catch you by surprise. You know, like when you show up to do your normal weekly podcast and are confronted by a masked hellbeast with nice hair. That’s right, we welcome our first guest this week, and you’ll never, ever guess who it is, no matter how many questions you ask. Tune in to this one and you’ll get to hear our mystery guest class the place up a bit with topics like: the guystander effect, Josh’s incessant waffle-related boasting, clo...
Each moment, the bonds that tie us together through space and time weave together anew, continually updating and adding to the immense, interconnected tapestry of experience that shows us what it means to be human. These singular moments of connection--smiling at your neighborhood optometrist, sharing in the delight of the latest Andy Yankovic number, the chance discovery of a cool dead bird--often go on to inform the courses of our lives, the contents of our characters. That'll explain a lot ab...
Self-help books will tell you that all the big successes in life are built on a mountain of failures. Similarly, Tenacious D will tell you that sometimes the tribute to the great podcast episode you did that no one heard because someone neglected to record their third is just as good as that original great episode. That's what we're banking on in this one, in which: Mike beefs it hard, Tapan reads a book in aggregate, Josh entices thirsty sloths, and we cook up a big old batch of Mango Everythin...
In the movies, it's really great when you come home after a long time away. Maybe you're a soldier, and your dog is really excited to see you. Maybe you've been traveling for work, and your partner has made you a romantic meal. Movies are great, aren't they? When you return to a podcast after a break, it turns out all you get is homework and whale shit. That's right—Mike and Josh recombine with Tapan this week, and we're digging fingers-first into important topics like: confidence and freedom vi...
Hello, my name is Tapan. I'm a podcast host, a man about town, and this week, I'm your only friend. That's right, it's just you and me now. Isn't this nice? We have so much fun together. Remember that time we talked about salt? Those were the days. Remember Josh and Mike and how stupid and ugly they are? This is much better. Yes. We're having fun. Pairings: FIFA withdrawals; the nicest mom ever; the dismembered corpses of your friends
When we say we're going to do something on this show, we poop and poop and poop until that thing is done. In that vein, we follow through in this one, which means a whole lot of secondhand Pepto for you and a whole lot of firsthand diarrhea for us. On the menu this week, we're featuring a blood-axed ketchup and dogshit sandwich, a pizza made of several seasonal varieties of ass, and a classic murder combo: fish and sausage. Despite the fact that we eat a bunch of garbage, this is a deceptively s...
Back home in Rotterdam, they say that the touch of Mother Luck is fickle. But here at Instead Of, we like to sit around the podcasting table, suck on some opals, and make our own luck. Unfortunately for everybody, we're much better at making luck than we are at making food. That's right, it's another classic foodie episode, and we're whipping up some hot streaks in this one: Josh flushes his way to the top, Tapan is desirable to a specific number of strangers, Mike eats a volcano, and in the end...
When it comes to knowing what jurisprudence is, your hosts are like a Monet: pretty fuzzy. This week, show badboy Josh is in trouble with the law again, and unfortunately for him, we're barely lawyers. While Josh r's in the c for b'in' and e'in', Mike gets seduced by MSRPs, Tapan upgrades his clem-intake, and we all come together to paint some circles. Pairings: a nice, warm tummy bladder; Galactic Dirt Doritos; bookends SHOW NOTES A terrible porno Better than Greg Ravioli The best deal in town ...
We’re sorry, everybody, but this ‘sode got pretty heavy into wieners. We’re not sure how; they just sort of crept up on us. Maybe it was one of those great cosmic coincidences where the universe is trying to tell us something about penises—you’ll have to ask Josh (he’s been to NASA). Amidst all the chat about different animals’ dicks, we drill down on some penetrating topics, including: Josh, and the bland corpse he will one day leave behind; Tapan, matchmaker to sexless felines; and Mike, who d...
When it comes to procuring maternal love, your hosts are downright experts. As seasoned sons, we're battling it out in the filial trenches every day, grinding those approval numbers, forecasting birthdays, remembering to call. In other words, earning our percentage. Tune in this week to learn how you can achieve the amount of love you deserve when your senior citizen parents welcome more competition into the fold. Later on, we learn a lot about our moms, Josh brushes up on his arm action, Tapan ...
This episode comes out on American Thanksgiving, a time of year when we gather with family and friends to feast, appreciate each other, and, with a little luck, listen to our favorite podcast hosts. Let us kick off the festivities by saying: You’re quite welcome. Among the many things we here at Instead Of are thankful for this year, the biggest one is definitely pee. We talk about it for hours and hours, and this episode’s no different. We also touch strangers on the elbow, install sprinklers i...
You're a short one, #73, but doggone it, you're just such a good one. On this, our 29 minute anniversary, I need to tell you, #73. I got it bad for you. There you are, all sexy with your irreverent segments and your cute little music cues, and then there's me, quietly listening, occasionally chuckling. Don't make me wait, #73. You know I want to hear allllll about Josh's fetish for Pez shafts. Don't hold back. Show me the way Tapan wiggles his fingers. What was that? Did you say that Mike subpoe...
Here’s a quick test to determine how well you’ll relate to this episode: Imagine you’ve just peed inside your own pants. In public. And they’re khakis. Now, do you... A. Laugh, B. Cry, C. Insist you heard that peeing in your pants is cool now, or D. Shrivel into a shamehusk until you blink out of existence. If you answered D, you’re in for a treat! We confront our teenage anxieties in this one, and along the way we share some downright frightening laughs, get choked by the neck a bit, pull a few...
Avoiding stink is one of life's great challenges. From our soup factories to our hot bars to the folds of our very jeans, everything smells bad, almost all the time. Join us this week for a special Instead Of: Stink Hunters edition, in which: Josh handles his god damn business, Tapan beats chemistry within a nanometer of its life, and Mike has just had enough. Pairings: stink-to-it-iveness; intimate knowledge of your closest friends; a nice cat
They say that love at first sight is just a myth, a fairy tale reserved for swooning, big-handed teens and hair stylists with big city dreams, and here at Instead Of, we know they're right. Love at first sight isn't real! Deep in our animatronic hearts, we know that a true lifelong, abiding love is always the product of open, honest communication, a profound commitment to realizing the best in one another, and shitting on Mark Ruffalo. Accordingly, we fall in love in this one, in addition to: bo...
Look. We all know that last episode was #68. We also know that next episode will be #70. And here we all are, sandwiched in between. Now, longtime listeners will attest that your hosts are nothing—nothing!—if not gentlemen, and we’re here to tell you: This is a classy episode. Foul language will not be tolerated. Keep your hands to yourself. Impure thoughts? Forget about it. Please, show your three gentle men the respect we deserve and refrain from saying, thinking about, or performing the sex n...
They say the scariest thing about corn is how unhealthy it is to put in your body, so during the month of Spooktober, we here at Instead Of don’t just eat corn. We also drink corn, walk among corn, and in this one, corn spooks us to our respective cobs. So turn up your fog machines, fill those mystery bowls with some corn, and settle in for a terrifying episode, in which: Josh joins a moisture-based fetish club, Mike gets a grip on his priorities, and Tapan’s just trying to share his sunshine. P...
It's... different in here. The air is thick, heavy, tinged with the scent of something metallic—copper... or blood. When you step inside, the floor creaks beneath each footfall. A sudden rush of cold air blows your candle out. It's pitch black, and you're too scared to move. You regret shaving your beard directly into your own shirt. The floor creaks again ...pat...pat...pat... and you realize it isn't you moving this time. You close your eyes tight, try not to make a sound. The door creaks slow...
We all pass time. Or does time pass us? Either way, if there's one thing humanity's good at, it's passin' time. We're so good at it, in fact, that we came up with a word just to describe passing-time-activities, and that word is "hobby." Pass some time with us in this episode as we explore the wide world of hobbies, including: some riveting discussion on the hands and butts of bicyclists; magicians, and where they are; and the relative merits of finding yourself dead in the water. Pairings: a Di...
Like Gilgamesh and Luke Skywalker before us, we return home from our journeys in this one, and you better believe we brought a zesty elixir back with us. That's right, everyone: Mike is back this week, and we're filling a whole snacksack with something spicy to celebrate. This episode's festivities include, but are not limited to: Tapan taking his cruise-dad attitude to the streets, Mike making a powerfully coiffed enemy, and Josh, half in the bag, muling his way to a brilliant business idea. Pa...
Days like today make you question what's truly real in the world around us. When someone yells for aid and you rush over, how foolish would you feel to find out they're only looking for 'ade, because they need to quench their thirst with a sugary lemony beverage on one of the final hot days of summer? Josh and Tapan face off in their final friendship-off before Mike's triumphant return from across the pond. We discuss the merits of using every nasty feature of your phone and getting your money's...
Have you heard the news today? Have you truly thought about who might have reported that news, or how it might have been viciously twisted into something barely resembling news when they’re done with it? Today you can call us Rottweilers, because we’re chewing up some stories and spitting them out, poor mangled husks of what they once were. Tapan consults the middle of Josh’s Venn diagram of fashion and internet savviness, Josh challenges Tapan’s patience, and Mike’s international reporting cont...
Hundreds of years ago, sending a loved one across the Atlantic Ocean often meant you said goodbye to them for good. Since then, we've come a long way as a society with a penchant for technological progress. International correspondence being what it is today, you'd think Instead Of would be able to roll with the punches, but our favorite Bogart may as well be on the moon this week, because he's turned in the first excused absence slip this show has ever seen. Josh and Tapan are your only tour gu...
There comes a time in every parent's life when their bundle of joy leaves the nest to fare for themselves. In this analogy, Tapan and Josh are the parents, and their fledgling Mike has flown the coop after recording this episode to mingle with the exotic fauna of Europe. This leaves the former goons to fend for themselves, which includes totally wingin' this description. In this episode, we get a look into Tapan's newfound interest in astrology, Josh's experience with zoo soundtracks, and Mike's...
The badboys of podcast obscurity are back for part two, and boy do we have a lot of pizza to catch you up on. Here at Instead Of, pizza is our bread and butter, but in this episode, it’s also our cake and our raison d'être. We chew very slowly in this one, savoring every bite of topics such as where cake belongs, algorithm-based destiny, and various breads, including banana. Along the way, Josh meets a friendly bus, mike narrowly avoids scarendipity, and Tapan asks the question on all our minds:...
As scientists, we think that mashing two animals together into one super animal is a pretty good idea. As ethicists, we... do our best. In this one, we mash science and ethics up, and, sure, we steal some stuff along the way, but in the end, we'll all be chewing on delicious flavor-blasted snakebacon, and that's what really counts. Meanwhile, Josh heroically saves a human life, Mike nearly ends one, and Tapan solves the age-old problem of having armpits. Pairings: pulleys in your pants; a custom...
Our bones: How much do we really need them? Sure, they keep our organs in and make us human-shaped, but couldn't we do... better? Here at Instead Of, we can always do better. That's why these hoverboots were made for walkin', and that's just what we're doing in this episode. We walk all over science, medicine, propriety, and good taste in this one, and boy do we smash a lot of bones in the process. Along the way, we get in line for a sexy middle-aged rollercoaster, we role-play a play, and we fi...
Raise your hand if you've ever gotten a haircut. Pretty familiar and relatable, right? Well what if we told you that each time you get a haircut, you morph a little bit—on the outside and the inside. In fact, everything you see and touch and put in your mouth every day has morphed before and will morph again, including you. Especially you. In this episode, we explore the mighty morphin' world around us, which includes: Josh morphing himself up some personal leg boats, Tapan's recipe for morphed ...
