When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, the first thing those people need is a Really Dope Flag. Luckily, here in Insteadovia, we hold THESE truths to be self-evident: That triangular flags are really just pennants--a sub-category of flags, sure, but not the Genuine Article; that your rights to Life, Liber-tree and the pursuit of Sappiness are inalienable vis a vis how your Pee smells; and that...
Jul 19, 2018•58 min•Ep. 56
Here are some questions upon which you might want to ruminate briefly before you hit play on this one: Who are you? What makes you... you? Have you ever, in your whole life, actually witnessed an Italian eat an omelette? In this episode, your intrepid hosts--mere voyagers on this journey we call life--probe the opaque, unknowable nooks and crannies of one another's psyches at depths we've never before explored. In so doing, we not only strengthen our interpersonal bonds, we bathe our dark sides ...
Jul 12, 2018•44 min•Ep. 55
You can get a lot of things done in a year, and if you're good at counting, it turns out one of those things is recording 54 episodes of a weekly podcast. In honor of The Little Show that Could but Probably Shouldn't turning one this week, we bring back all those old chestnuts you've grown to love over the year: We catch up with frequent guest Dunston the orangutan from the film Dunston Checks In, we fuck up some walruses because they deserve it, and somewhere in there we come up with a business...
Jul 05, 2018•45 min•Ep. 54
We actually don't know what got into us in this one, but we're gonna get a little punchy, folks. We're sorry to say, but we actually squish someone's body so hard they die in this episode. Yeah. We know. Later on, we beat the crap out of people with root vegetables and topiary, and the thing is... we like it. Everything's fine, we swear, but we do leave beautiful corpses behind about halfway through this one. Hell, we even talk shit about butterflies. Here's one nice thing, though: we have a pla...
Jun 28, 2018•51 min•Ep. 53
Folks, it's gonna behoove you to wear a helmet while you listen to this one. We mean it. We've got cantaloupes fallin' off windowsills, we got people slimin' other people, we got guys stickin' their heads inside pelicans. It's a crazy world out there in Episode 52. Are you strapped in? Okay: In this one, a melon hits the stupiddome, Mike monetizes his first dates, and Tapan improbably learns a life lesson via limited public transportation. Pairings: three tickets to Aspen; two big hearts; one co...
Jun 21, 2018•40 min•Ep. 52
Blood. What would we do without it? Not much, it turns out. Blood keeps our bodies running nice and hot, it fills our engorged muscles, and it provides us our many boners. In fact, you might say that blood gives the whole world a boner. But how does blood work, and what is it? In this episode, your hosts, one of whom is technically a scientist, go hemo-globetrotting around the high pressure world of blood, asking in-cyte-ful questions like: Can you die if your blood is too hot? How do you get ne...
Jun 14, 2018•53 min•Ep. 51
Before you listen to this one, we have a checklist for you to complete: 1. Sit down; 2. Relax; 3. Drop some acid; 4. Eat hard candies; 5. Keep relaxing, everything's fine; 6. Become a spider; 7. STOP RELAXING. Did you do it? Are you scared now? Okay, then here we go: This week's episode stars Josh, who creeps the shit out of everybody at the grocery store, Tapan, who gets twice as ripped as a human being ever could, and Mike, who gets his mogul ass whooped. Pairings: A bona fide extraterrestrial...
Jun 07, 2018•47 min•Ep. 50
According to the latest data, a small cadre of diehard fans in Japan listen to Instead Of instead of other podcasts. Hello, fans in Japan! We're sure you have a lovely country, but we've never been there, so we're not really sure what we're bringing to the table for you all. That said, we hope you enjoy some more of our regularly scheduled hot shit: Josh's pizza man is a blasé faire capitalist, Mike sucks up $1.10 worth of pepper, and Tapan puts an unlikely corporate merger to bed. Pairings: sup...
Jun 01, 2018•43 min•Ep. 49
"Amazza!" he said, surveying the mounds of dirt he'd just finished. "In all my years of dirtboardin', I ain't seen nothin' prettier." But the words were empty, hollow, like the nutrient-poor soil he'd grown up on. The farmer knew the hills of Tuscany better than anyone, knew the embrace of their curves, the sensualities of their dips and rises. He'd been boarding them for nigh on 25 years now, harvesting their life-giving dirt each spring for his summer dirt crop. But it could get lonely up ther...
May 23, 2018•48 min•Ep. 48
In sane times, Josh feigns crimes; in strained rhymes, he pain-dines on primetime slime: pasta fagioli. Ghouls wanna be him, but can he swim? His cookie skim 'bout to send him to prison, so tune in, ladies and gentlemen, The Jesus of Cola has risen. Meanwhile, we make coke, glue stuff to our cars, and rob a bunch of children. Pairings: nerves of steel and a giant appetite; scruples; not being Josh's friend on the internet SHOW NOTES Can't stop, won't stop #5 World famous The worst kind of train ...
May 16, 2018•56 min•Ep. 47
A lot of veteran podcasters will tell you that the key to nailing the follow-up to your cliffhanger episode is to not immediately let go of the cliff and fall to your death, but, hey, we've only done this 45 times before. Cut us some slack while you listen to this one, in which: jigging Josh jeers jaunty joggers, Tapan's tryst-talk topic triggers tremendous titters, and Mike pukes all over the place. Pairings: impulse control; copy-paste immunity; a shitty potato no one likes SHOW NOTES Straight...
May 09, 2018•42 min•Ep. 46
Right around 1991, Al Gore invented the internet, and since then everything's gone downhill: first Mufasa died, then there was Woodstock '99, and eventually the Zune was available for purchase. That downward spiral culminates in this very episode of Instead Of, in which Tapan's WiFi fails like so many of our nation's small businesses. Nevertheless, we manage to put our signature funk on this one: Mike keeps his eye on the sky, Josh takes the "stop" out of "bus stop," and Tapan pelts his friends ...
May 03, 2018•47 min•Ep. 45
According to Cole Porter, birds, bees, and, yes, even fleas do sex. Now we know what you're thinking, and the answer is kind of: Water fleas reproduce asexually, but cat fleas... cat fleas bang each other. And if you’ve ever met a cat, you know cat fleas are good at it. Your three hosts are considerably less good at sex than a flea is, which won't be surprising after you hear this one. Episode 44 finds Mike as the walking, talking result of receiving your sexual education from Chris Rock, while ...
Apr 25, 2018•57 min•Ep. 44
The turducken, popularized by legendary TV carnivore John Madden, is a favorite holiday tradition over at Instead Of HQ. Here's how it works: you take a chicken, the smallest of the fowl, and you ram it into a duck, the second biggest one, then you ram that whole package into a turkey, famously the most receptive of the game birds. Then, we're guessing, you ram the whole thing down your gullet. In this week's episode, Josh rams his turducken of vehicles straight to the ocean floor, while Tapan c...
Apr 19, 2018•57 min•Ep. 43
When you really think about it, 42 is a pretty dope number. Jackie Robinson wore #42. Lewis Carroll got high on the number 42. Douglas Adams said 42 is the answer to all of life's questions. Our meager contribution to 42's impressive oeuvre is rife with fraud, extortion, blackmail, and blasphemy. That's right, folks... we're going corporate. Welcome to the Shark Tank, where Josh's money makes him other money, Tapan puts two teenaged embezzlers on blast, and it turns out Mike is the second coming...
Apr 11, 2018•55 min•Ep. 42
Longtime Instead Of listeners have witnessed several traditional elements of the show wax and wane over the weeks: from the Quizno's chat of the early days, to the grocery store anecdotes of our teen years, to our bread and butter: never following up on anything we say. But now a new tradition has taken the reins, and in this one, it brings Josh to his knees. After that, Mike becomes a robe guy, Tapan shotputs cow dung, and we fly just close enough to the sun. Pairings: shoes that are also plane...
Apr 04, 2018•54 min•Ep. 41
With the latest Marvel flick hitting theaters soon, we decided to take our own crack at leaving the best part of the pod until after the credits roll. Welcome to your weekly box office bonanza, where this week shit literally gets real. That's right, we interact with the outside world live on the air, and boy do we learn some lessons. Tapan learns the subtle, supple delights of holding a Tide pod against his bare flesh, Mike learns how to strip for fitness and profit, and Josh learns why you shou...
Mar 28, 2018•52 min•Ep. 40
Spring, as is so often said, is the season of rebirth, of new love. It's sunny again, plants are bangin', animals are going to town on each other. The stink of love is in the air, and we here at Instead Of HQ are your trusty SARS mask. To that end, we spend a lot of this episode matchmaking: we weave the tragic tale of star-crossed lovers from opposite ends of our contact lists, Josh gets fresh with Malcolm Gladwell, and we invent a service to help overly friendly gamers creep each other out, pr...
Mar 21, 2018•51 min•Ep. 39
Picture this: Apartment interior, dusk. Josh, leg broken, wheels into a long, thin shadow. Lights from the building across the park shine like half moons in his binoculars. Outside, the neighborhood is alive with the sounds of children falling down, of leather hole-salers hawking their holes, and tape measures snapping back too fast. On the evening breeze, he catches the scent of flank steak sizzling on a neighbor's Xbox; his stomach rumbles, and he remembers the stipend. The stipend that never ...
Mar 15, 2018•46 min•Ep. 38
There comes a point in every podcast host's life when we must each ask ourselves: What is my price? How much does the one human soul I get... cost? It's something to chew on as you listen to this one, in which Tapan shamelessly panders to you, buying and selling your love like so many pocket combs, while Mike and Josh spend their pod money like normal people: on their ears and bladders. Later, Josh falls down too much, Mike lives vicariously through hobbyist magazines, and Tapan, well, Tapan suc...
Mar 12, 2018•55 min•Ep. 37
We're takin' you to school in this one, everybody. This episode is kind of like Khan Academy or Coursera, but stupid. If The Magic School Bus and Sarah Palin had a baby, it would be this episode. This episode is a lot like the film Back to School, but less educational. We cover all the hot topics: how many oceans there are, the months of the year, and basic bookshop tessellation. Mike gets intellectually dominated throughout the show, while Josh tells a grim K-Pop fable, and Tapan finds himself ...
Mar 07, 2018•48 min•Ep. 36
The Urban Dictionary defines "passion" as "when you put more energy into something than is required to do it #intense #bliss." By that definition, we waste a lot of energy on our passion projects in this one: Josh builds a needlessly complicated analog version of Grubhub, Mike delves deep into the forests of Valenwood to uncover some essential Bosmer lore, and Tapan finds the perfect marriage for his three great loves: prescription muscle relaxers, paternal instincts, and Stone Cold Stunners. Pa...
Feb 21, 2018•37 min•Ep. 35
Pain. Suffering. Pizza. Death. Of course, we all grew up learning that these are the four pillars of the Diamond of Life, but how often do we actually put them into practice? This week, we dive deep into the Tao of Tapan, revealing, among other things, the core tenets of the doctrine: how not to compare your life to the Holocaust, how to steal an election, and how to chop a pizza in half with your bare hands. Pairings: cyclobenzaprine; a seaworthy vessel; low voter turnout SHOW NOTES An actually...
Feb 14, 2018•40 min•Ep. 34
In this one, we start by discussing what we would do if we got 25 minutes of our days back, which is a question you may also ask yourself by the end. Later, Mike uses tissues wrong, Tapan goes off on water slides, Josh gets in on the mozz stick racket, and we answer the best listener question we've ever received. Pairings: a waterproof hippo saddle; a good umbrella; more time SHOW NOTES Irons, not makers Donny Goodname...
Feb 08, 2018•26 min•Ep. 33
Longtime Instead Of listeners will recognize a theme in Episode 32. Yep, you guessed it: in this one, two out of your three hosts throw food at people, while the other trains them to pee. Concurrently, Tapan commits bland theft auto, Mike finds his life homie in the fourth grade military, and Josh quacktracks right on through his green light. Pairings: a goddamn Dilly Bar, of all things; $25 and no fear; some lozenges SHOW NOTES Living in the upside down Sciencey food things No no no no no no no...
Jan 31, 2018•39 min•Ep. 32
Wedding season will be here before you know it, and here at Instead Of HQ, the bells are a-chimin'. That's right, we're getting hitched (again), and, this time, to more than just furniture. Incidentally, Josh resurrects a catchy little ditty from his past in this one, while Mike drinks a spoonful of downward dog, and Tapan banishes him to the Boreanaz Zone. Pairings: a smartphone and a shovel; Mithril™ by lululemon; a spit valve SHOW NOTES An even worse version of Twitter Don't be gross and you'...
Jan 25, 2018•44 min•Ep. 31
In this, the 30th installment in our series, we bring to you, Dear Listener, timeless stories: stories of loss, of redemption, of striving for perfection in an imperfect world; the types of stories that are woven into the fabric of our very lives, the songs etched onto our bones... and in so doing, we reveal some meager slice, some obstructed view, of the essential nature of humanity. Then Josh gets these bitchin' rocket skates and Tapan pulls a sick wheelie and Mike gets pregnant at laser tag. ...
Jan 17, 2018•44 min•Ep. 30
After 29 episodes, you’d think we’d come up with some new stuff to talk about, but here we are: it’s 2018 and Tapan’s still inventing sports drinks for shut-ins. Yep, we’re just a handful of snacks lookin’ for a good time in this one—Josh accepts a dare to contract botulism, Mike rubs Ragú on his clients, and we adapt Mark Z. Danielewski’s avant-garde horror masterpiece for kids. Pairings: A custodian's key ring, Walk the Line; love for your natural penis SHOW NOTES Wrong ingredient The Mile Hig...
Jan 10, 2018•40 min•Ep. 29
Well, folks, it’s that time again: January 3rd, 2018. In this one, we’re writing checks our asses will almost certainly cash. Tapan wants to be the answer to the question, 'Who's your daddy?', Josh finally figures out how to impress his parents, and Mike plays a very spiritual game of Undercover Boss. Pairings: a tall, refreshing glass of beet juice; a first edition holo Charizard; a virtual toaster SHOW NOTES Arnold's side gig Virtual chores, real fun It takes a brain surgeon Mark, not an actor...
Jan 03, 2018•48 min•Ep. 28
Here at Instead Of we pride ourselves on keepin’ it real, which is why we’re solving the fake news crisis with our fists in this one. Tapan knocks Mike’s toilet paper anxiety out cold, Mike throws in the towel on prom, and Josh finally punches Tapan in the face. Pairings: a Costco card; a name tag; and will somebody please get this poor rabbi a parachute!? SHOW NOTES NBAGOAT The inner monologue of Tapan's mom The Safe Way to shop Sunrise, sunset Better than Tapan's choice An adventure to the pas...
Dec 27, 2017•40 min•Ep. 27
