Jingle Bells, Tapan yells, takes us down a peg, the temp of veal makes Mike squeal and Josh is a dunk tank, hey! That’s right, folks, it’s time for our first Instead Of holiday special. Also, Tapan gives new meaning to the phrase “like father, like son,” Josh gets his comeuppance, and Mike shuts the fuck up. Pairings: an adorable puppy with a big red bow on it; Weird Al’s virtuoso accordion classic “Angry White Boy Polka;” some sort of penis cloth Brought to you by Kepler, the cutest dog on Inst...
Dec 20, 2017•51 min•Ep. 26
Instead Of has spread love and shedded red blood over whack crackpot tall tales with a lack of tact like a smack-talking mack daddy Jack Black attracting flak racking up fat stacks in a blackjack comeback to bankroll his black Cadillac. Tapan aims blame at gaps in lame names on maps of lands with bland crap that sounds the same. Josh chimes in with prime advertising rhyming within and stumps his cohost chumps with talk of frumpy Trump's fair jeering at bear hearing. Mike's depressing confession ...
Dec 13, 2017•40 min•Ep. 25
Here at Instead Of, we don’t like to think of ourselves as smut-peddlers. That said, in this one we direct the most rule-heavy porno ever filmed at sea, Josh terrifies you to orgasm in the world’s most existentially horrifying theme park, and we—very sexily—fire Tapan as show CFO. Tune in next week to learn about a cool dog who everyone really likes. Pairings: a 2-liter of cotton candy Faygo; shitty clothes and shoes; a fashionable bicep workout SHOW NOTES The Chicago Burs #1 in vandalization to...
Dec 06, 2017•43 min•Ep. 24
We ain’t cheesin’ this week, folks. We ain’t cheesin’ one bit. We’re coming at you crust-first with another classic Instead Of foodie episode. Josh flings cat food all over his apartment, Mike has the tiniest, fluffiest Thanksgiving, and the boys stumble into Seattle’s most delicious underground fight club. Pairings: Something to push the poop and guts out of the worms before you eat them; no robbers at all, ever; a cat! SHOW NOTES The superfluous handle Mike's #1 The best (worst?) bedtime story...
Nov 29, 2017•47 min•Ep. 23
Just a fair warning, everybody: We do some crimes in this one, and it gets pretty hardcore. Tapan takes his driving talents STRAIGHT TO JAIL, Mike is rude to someone who WORKS WITH CHEESE, and Josh learns to play the SOUSAPHONE. Pairings: An odorous Limburger; a sound-proof condom; Incredulity in spades SHOW NOTES I heard it through the grape wall Sousamaphone Noah Gundersen Kithkin The Boston Tea Apologists Dangerous driving...
Nov 22, 2017•48 min•Ep. 22
We get our druthers this week, and you know what that means: Slander! Libel! Thumb-fives! Just kidding, what we really do is invent a really personal and cruel version of Baggage, catalog the fauna of Florida, and read our very first on-air advertisement (its great you’ll love it). Pairings: transatlantic floaties; a secret handshake; a record deal for Tapan, hot damn SHOW NOTES AW: For all your visual + UX design needs The right to remain silent but deadly...
Nov 15, 2017•39 min•Ep. 21
Sup, ya jerks! In this one, Mike gets a weird boner for a dragon, Tapan hiyups it up at The Moth, and Josh literally stalks an iPhone X. Here’s a fun listening challenge: can you detect the subtle undertones of incontinence running throughout the episode? Pairings: Official Instead Of chili gloves; a Spamburger; blood red contacts SHOW NOTES Binkus III NBD Ten True stories told live Them's the rules I Can't Believe It's Not Meatball...
Nov 08, 2017•47 min•Ep. 20
Hey, it’s week 19! In honor of this, our milestone 19th episode, we just kind of happened to nibble on a couple of nostalgic topics, including: that old chestnut where you fall off a Razor scooter, getting stung by a bee in the face, and baking desserts against your friends way before Paul Hollywood, piercing as his gaze may be, ever laid eyes on anybody’s bake. Pairings: the hottest new position in the sex game; no shirt, $12, and a ride to Target; shawl pain ointment SHOW NOTES Experience the ...
Nov 01, 2017•43 min•Ep. 19
Special shout-out to all our Mandela Effect fans—we really bump it up in this week’s timestream! Tapan goes on a one-dog adventure in a seven-horse town, Josh is definitely way smarter than Adam Sandler, and Mike is literally the only person who gets to have a cliffhanger in the post-credits sting (stick around, they’re great). Pairings: a pair of righteous danglers; Pepto Bismol (please send it c/o Josh); seriously, all you need is a potato SHOW NOTES How to make a potato battery The flyest dog...
Oct 25, 2017•42 min•Ep. 18
As the old saying goes, it’s not how many times you fall down that counts, it’s how many times in a row. We’re up to some classic highjinks in this one: Tapan’s on his geisha grind, Josh pulls a great prank and we all laugh, Mike tells a non sequitur about clowns, and we learn just what the heck Black Sabbath was talking about all this time. Pairings: Heaven and Hell; an infrared jammer; some gum I guess? SHOW NOTES The worst Pokémon’s food Cultural zeitgeist You shouldn’t know who’s comin They ...
Oct 18, 2017•44 min•Ep. 17
Five hours is a long time, but not long enough for Mike to come up with anything to talk about this week. Instead, Josh proves himself the bellend of the ball, Tapan chokes on some warm roughage, and three marginal on-air talents get in especially hot soup with an Uber driver... live! Pairings: gobs and gobs of Biofreeze; tact; that sweet, sweet PSL you publicly eschew but secretly crave SHOW NOTES Bogey at mile 13 From zeros to heroes We are the titular line Light sneezing The smell of the seas...
Oct 11, 2017•45 min•Ep. 16
This is one of those episodes where we give away some really choice IP for free, so come take a bath with us this week! Josh tells a fucking fascinating story about elevators, Tapan accidentally becomes The Bachelor in real life, and Mike gives the world’s least knowledgeable TED Talk. Oh, and we basically do a table read for Click 2. Pairings: human dignity; an acid guy; more time SHOW NOTES Tapan steals a joke Money tigers Josh noticed before he noticed Garbage Ain't that some Daebyun The larg...
Oct 05, 2017•57 min•Ep. 15
Well, folks, it’s hot out there this week, and we're hosing each other down like so many elephants in the circus of life. When they make this one into a movie, Josh’ll be played by Harrison Ford, the irony of which is almost as delicious as Tapan’s new signature dish: (and we quote) “handheld... omelette... hash.” We’ll let that concept germinate for a moment. Meanwhile, Mike imagines a future in which we grow vegetables for later consumption, and we all take a lovely trip to Josh’s grandma-them...
Sep 27, 2017•44 min•Ep. 14
We'd like to welcome you to the show today with a reading from the Gospel of Right Said Fred: "With my hand upon my heart / Just one slowdance / I'll rescue you, rescue you / La, la, la, etc." That's right, we're getting our groove back this week. The lyrical complexities of a Lou Bega song literally melt our brains, Mike really puts the F in Riot Fest (he's sorry), Josh pimps Xzibit's life, and Tapan's Fred Stoller impression is coming along quite nicely. Pairings: Lightning Rod, by Martha Stew...
Sep 20, 2017•50 min•Ep. 13
Welcome to the riveting conclusion to Remember Part I?: Remember Part I? Part II. Settle in, 'cause we're about to answer all those burning questions that've been eating at you since yesterday. Questions like, "Will those dolphins be okay?" and, "What did they talk about again?" It's also Disappoint Your Family Week here on Instead Of, and we're really getting in a festive mood. Tapan ties the knot with a four-poster, Josh's hubris is the entire ocean's undoing, and Mike successfully tricks Tapa...
Sep 14, 2017•29 min•Ep. 12
Autumn's almost here, and you know what that means: it's rutting season in this one. Josh fathers a freshman class, Mike begets a sports league, and Tapan, well, Tapan just needs two hands. Tapan and Josh make uncomfortable irl eye contact throughout most of the episode, in which Josh gets his hair cut on Broadway, Tapan's like Memento if he didn't get any of those tattoos, and Mike plans a wedding that only Johnny Utah himself could pull off. Pairings: Abstinence education; ginkgo baloba; aqua ...
Sep 13, 2017•48 min•Ep. 11
Hi, folks. This is the first thing we ever recorded--a glimpse into the salad days, back before Quizno's bought our souls like so many Baja chicken subs. We were young then, just three cash-poor goofballs with microphones and a big dream: to one day eat the sun. Pairings: a Tapan Jani original; the rest of the Light Brigade; a sexbot, obviously SHOW NOTES Bladeless Dyson fan Hammacher Schlemmer Big Dog Robot bed Schindler's List (1993)...
Sep 06, 2017•16 min•Ep. 10
You'll smell us coming this week, 'cause we're starting some Orville Redenbacher beef. Your 'corn's subgourmet, Orv. At other times during the episode, we meet a very stylish and handsome monkey, Master Joshua gets saucy and we love it, and Tapan's worried about his brain grammar. Hey Dan in Cleveland... you're welcome. Pairings: a 12 foot wing span; 50% more taps; a seat SHOW NOTES How to raise money for your team Fruit snacks at their prime Eat your fruits and veggies Shuckin' since 1951 The m...
Aug 30, 2017•51 min•Ep. 9
Like the litch who used to be Keith Richards, we're just up there doing our best in this one. We get to learn so many cool things about Josh, including that he wrote an incredible jingle about a revolting sandwich. Meanwhile, Tapan accidentally broadcasts that soulful Motown sound, and Mike gets a sneak preview of DJ Breakfast Food's latest mixtape. Pairings: a snifter full of Hennessy; Velveeta products; a nice, big bullwhip SHOW NOTES Nas rides the subway DJ MSP BK Stacker Shotgun regulations ...
Aug 23, 2017•48 min•Ep. 8
Get all punchdrunklove-y dovey with us this week, as Mike threatens to punch Tapan, Tapan threatens to fight Josh, and Josh buys everybody presents. We re-live the moments leading up to Josh's conception, Mike gets some of the sweet, bloody attention he craves, and Tapan encounters a no-scoping urinal alpha the likes of which haven't been seen in this realm for nigh on a thousand moons or more. Pairings: cardiovascular endurance; a real, functioning proton pack; some SPF 30 is probably good enou...
Aug 16, 2017•43 min•Ep. 7
You know that difficult-to-identify-yet-undeniably-present feeling of unease and despondency you get while listening to this one? That's totally normal--it's Malaise Week! Tapan keeps it one hundred with the youth, Josh's hairline... does its best, and Mike almost dies on an island. But it's cool, 'cause we're all gonna die eventually. Pairings: at least 20 Solo cups; the black magic Brian Urlacher has performed on his hair; yes, a whoopie pie SHOW NOTES North Manitou Island Rage Cage The Truman...
Aug 09, 2017•54 min•Ep. 6
You're gonna want to bundle up, folks, 'cause we're breaking the ice in this one. Tapan's spitting hot fire with yet another grocery shopping anecdote, Josh makes his directorial de-"Blue," and we keep on Rollin' with a riveting round of the hit audio-only game "Painstakingly Describe That Yoga Pose." Hey, at least we don't talk about Quizno's this time. Pairings: R1, R1, CIRCLE, R2, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT; Joe's Garage; anything but Schindler's List SHOW NOTES Josh's trophy Spani...
Aug 02, 2017•41 min•Ep. 5
This week we polish off a hoagie with a side of hot tomatoes, kn'a'm'sayin'? Tune in for more of the classic sandwich-related gags you know and love as we continue our quest to rebrand Quizno's, lower our mind-buckets into a deep well of psychological torture, and fucking nail our first Instead Of lighting round. You're gonna need to wash your hands after this one. Pairings: Seriously, soap and water; the cake; The Jackie Chan Grill™ SHOW NOTES The Peninsula Chicago Mirage Las Vegas Raising a ba...
Jul 26, 2017•52 min•Ep. 4
A bunch of wienerslavs come of age over pineapple upside down cake in this one. Listen, rapt, as we psychoanalyze Josh's sepia-toned childhood, debate the eternal unknowability of New England, and meticulously plan our first Instead Of inside joke. Pairings: Wet Wipes; a real, live parrot; tortilla chips SHOW NOTES Subway's Five Dollar Footlong: https://youtu.be/MJF3mknSTlo Chorophobia: http://common-phobias.com/Choro/phobia.htm Geography quiz: http://online.seterra.com/en/vgp/3003 Pineapple ups...
Jul 19, 2017•48 min•Ep. 3
There’s a storm a-brewin’ this week, as our heroes dive deep down a black rabbit hole to ponder some of life’s enduring mysteries: How much is too much to ask of your delivery driver? What, exactly, is our place in the universe? Are there some dessert-related wounds that never heal? Tune in and soak up some of the sweet, lugubrious funk we’re giving off in this one. Pairings: laundry detergent; short-pants; Fear and Trembling by Søren Kierkegaard SHOW NOTES Baby Driver (2017): http://www.imdb.co...
Jul 12, 2017•46 min•Ep. 2
In which three intrepid friends stumble through the inaugural episode of their wildly successful podcast, learning along the way Josh's elementary school was live-tweeting in 1995, that two-time NBA slam dunk champion Zach Lavine offers a surprisingly deep vein of conversational ore from the shoulders up, and that a certain beloved dinosaur would make a terrible Jigsaw. Pairings: any of the Naked Guns; a sweet kick-flip; peanut butter, jam SHOW NOTES Luxo (Jr.): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lux...
Jul 05, 2017•24 min•Ep. 1
