Do you know how many astronauts are in space right now? When's the last time an astronaut told you a funny joke? When's the last time an astronaut changed your tire? When's the last time an astronaut made an impact on your life in any way? Look, folks, let's face it: Astronauts have been freeloading here on Earth for years now. This week, we're not bitter about failing to get accepted into the space program, and: Josh bombs at a stinky stand-up wing joint, Tapan walks right into a punny Memento ...
Apr 10, 2020•45 min•Ep. 146
If there's one thing your hosts are certified experts in, it's plowing, sowing, cultivating a field to maturity and then harvesting the fruits of our labor (in this case the fruit is wheat). That's right, it's a classic farm-to-table tale in which Mike goes from owning a whole farm to owning one table at the hands of the treacherous Jig Oinkle and the miserly Matt Damis and the man behind the man behind the man behind the tractor, Tapan. Also in this one: several great reasons to skip middle sch...
Apr 03, 2020•43 min•Ep. 145
If you're taking the sudden return of Blackbeard's ghost as seriously as we are, by now, all your bathtubs are full of chili. Here at Instead Of HQ, that goddamn disgusting bathtub chili is starting to look as good as a golden shower from a bullet train honey cannon. You see, your hosts have been working up an appetite. We know what's coming. We've seen the signs. Every hundred years, they say: A great flood. Last time it was molasses. This time... only that bastard Blackbeard can say for certai...
Mar 27, 2020•39 min•Ep. 144
Soooo things have moved quickly since our last episode... including Josh! He's bouncing back to an empty apartment in Boston next week, and as his business partners and fractional-brothers, Mike and Tapan are here to help him generate entertaining analog content with a no-masturbation-allowed brainstorming session. Ideas include: losing his sanity in the midst of writing and rehearsing a one-act play to perform for himself... and himself; bunnies, in shadow; and growing a forehead poof. Pairings...
Mar 20, 2020•38 min•Ep. 143
Just in time for the global pandemic, we here at Instead Of HQ are bringing you the exclusive, 100% true tips and tricks you need to crush your self-quarantine, including: how and why to hamster your home, exactly where to slather the peanut butter, and how to make the hottest new fashion accessory of the (flu) season. Later on, we celebrate Tapan's legendary impressionism, Mike relives his salad days growing salad, and Josh harnesses the remarkable healing fluids of flaccid aloe. Pairings: Pso-...
Mar 13, 2020•41 min•Ep. 142
Hey everybody, Josh went to Costa Rica and had a great time and now he's back, so guess what we're gonna talk about? Join us this week for a grueling slideshow of the 1,100 pictures Josh took in Costa Rica, followed by a retrospective on the tour guides Josh met and befriended in Costa Rica, concluding with Josh's field guide to tipping etiquette in Costa Rica. Just kidding; you won't begrudge Josh one second of pure vida airtime because he actually talks about dope shit like resplendent quetzal...
Mar 06, 2020•41 min•Ep. 141
Some of us here at Instead Of HQ have a thing for chairs. Everybody's got a thing, right? Some folks just happen to have a thing for chairs, and that's fine. That is, until an innocent fascination with chairs becomes a lifestyle. An obsession. An Adiron-diction. Join Tapan this week as he ventures into the home of a chair-based criminal mastermind. Join Mike as he forays into the family of a very responsible driver. Join Josh as he greases a sloth jockey at a very corrupt zoo. Three stories. Two...
Feb 28, 2020•40 min•Ep. 140
If you’ve ever planned a party, you know that without thoughtfully executed ice breakers, your guests are entirely on their own to form their factions and, through diplomatic channels, strike that perfect party balance between anarchy and fascism. Lucky for everyone at your next get together, Two Pants Tapan, Mirrored Mike, and Jumpsuit Josh are back with an all-new Certified Rager Total Party Solution™. This time we’re offering an exclusive one-week only Ice Breakers Crash Course, in which you’...
Feb 21, 2020•43 min•Ep. 139
When it comes to limits, Tapan and Bradley Cooper agree that the fewer, the sexier. Take it from them: the less inhibited your brain is by the artificial constructs that've been holding you back all this time, the more free you'll be to finally tattoo the really big muscles you've always wanted straight on to your whole body. In this one, your hosts consider real hypotheticals for once, resulting in: Josh negging both of his favorite cookies in one episode, Tapan putting an elephant in the room,...
Feb 14, 2020•38 min•Ep. 138
Hitting theaters this fall, from Instead Of Studios, it's THREE HUSBANDS, ONE WIFE! What happens when three recently widowed brother husbands hit the Vegas strip to wager the last will and testament of Princess Diana on a Pringles eating competition? Why, just a rip-roaring romp through the wild and wacky world of basic probability is all! You'll watch Josh as he doubles down on cream. You'll see Mike eat vitamins with his butt (for potency). You'll gasp in awe as Tapan conducts marriage counsel...
Feb 07, 2020•39 min•Ep. 137
When two highly-trained, ruthless Greek warriors come to blows in the heat of battle, each single-minded in his purpose, muscles rippling beneath their sun-kissed, sweat-drenched skin—that's the kind of human perfection you just have to paint. When Mike strips his singlet off and flails around on top of Josh like a desperate fish gasping for water—that's the kind of human perfection you'd... rather listen to. In this one, we hold the world's most naked high school wrestling meet, Josh throws sha...
Jan 31, 2020•57 min•Ep. 136
Hiding in the nooks and crannies of this episode, should you possess the insight to perceive them, are a curious collection of clues that will lead you inexorably down a path which you do not want to follow, but which you, nevertheless, cannot, despite your better judgment, resist. Naptown. Fargo. Spokane. Raw melons. Cosmic crisp. Blood in the ice cream. The single dead bee. How does it all connect? Who knows; in the rest of the episode, Mike and Tapan put their melons together to learn about m...
Jan 24, 2020•37 min•Ep. 135
You know how when you’re in a relationship, you let minor aggravations pile up and pile up and you don’t say anything and you try not to think about it and you keep watching, silent, as that pile grows and grows until, one day, the weight of all those old, unspoken resentments is just too much and you try to use your words, you really try, but when you go looking you can’t seem to find them and before you know it you’re dropping mound after mound of self-righteous turd under your life partner’s ...
Jan 17, 2020•39 min•Ep. 134
Lots of podcasts out there talk a big game about loving their listeners, but how many of them are in love with their listeners? Here at Instead Of, we love you deeply, which is why all 250 of you should consider this your formal invitation. To what, you ask? Why, have you ever wanted to hit another person with no consequences? Have you ever wanted to soar, bird-like, through the rafters of a high school gym? Have you ever heard late 2000s dubstep? Experience these three entertainment options, al...
Jan 10, 2020•58 min•Ep. 133
Hey friend, you look tired. Take this pamphlet and come on down to Tapan’s Sleep Farm, where everything’s 100% above board. You know that big old abandoned warehouse down by the highway? Now it’s Tapan’s Sleep Farm, a totally normal warehouse full of beds where there’s never been a mass suicide. Here at Tapan’s Sleep Farm, our chloroform is medical grade and all our clients rave about how normal our business is. Tapan’s Sleep Farm: Like Tea, but for Sleep. Later on, Josh platformsplains Crash Ba...
Jan 03, 2020•33 min•Ep. 132
Chanel. Dior. Versace. Harrison. Coming this fall from the legendary house that brought you that moon boot trend like 20 years ago, a sexy new line of charcoal chinos so forbidden you'll have to finish yourself off in the corner of the dressing room... and you haven't even tried them on yet. Harrison Chinos: Be Bad, Too™. Anyway, in this one your hosts take you on a tour of the world’s shared culinary heritage at our new themed restaurant (start salivating, Ricky Ricardo fans!), Mike commits tin...
Dec 27, 2019•39 min•Ep. 131
Have you ever woken up from a nap with lasagna on your shirt and when you look out the window you see a bunch of chill-looking attractive people across the street hanging out and having a great time? With Tapan, Mike, and Josh's Certified Rager Total Party Solution™, you don't *need* to be invited. As cool guys ourselves, we combined all the sickest elements of the dopest ragers we've ever been to in our proprietary CRPTS Party Matrix™—from multicolored waves of pulsing light to free mushrooms. ...
Dec 20, 2019•42 min•Ep. 130
We'll be Frank: Like our TV forefathers of old, this week we find ourselves performing several feats of mid-December strength. But far be it from us to impose our godless Festivusian ideals on your non-specific holiday cheer; we're just here to save folks from car fires we started and dunk on conventional unicycles. Later on, Josh puts the AY! AY! in YEA/NAY, Tapan makes an innovative-ass business plan, and Mike introduces our most attractive new character in years. Pairings: cool cops who smoke...
Dec 13, 2019•36 min•Ep. 129
😘 As you’ll see in this one, a Josh-less podcast is a lot like a sexless marriage. Josh is spending “time” with his “family” this Thanksgiving, but longtime couple Mike and Tapan are here to sit in bed and bicker about Tapan’s new mustache. That’s right, Tapan’s got a Dali/Chaplin thing going on, and boy can we see how pretty his mouth is now. Later on, we bicker about the woodsmanship of Tapan’s new chairs, we Invisi-Grift™ our way into great seats, and we’re Lovin’ the all-new flavor combinat...
Dec 06, 2019•42 min•Ep. 128
Well, folks, it might finally be time to pack the ol' podcast in. Call 'er quits. Drop the bologna curtain, as they say. Now, before you start seeing red, hear us out—we pull quite a Fonzie this week, and not in the cute-older-Henry-Winkler-renaissance-we're-all-enjoying sense. We jump over so many god damn sharks in this one, you won't believe your perfect robotic eyes. Later on, Tapan's the hippest hemp-cat this side of the street, Josh throws it back to the Matthau era, and Mike pilots his me...
Nov 29, 2019•42 min•Ep. 127
Everybody knows how into wedding planning we are on this show. We talk about it *all the time*. If you, Dear Listener, have the great fortune of being invited to one of our many future weddings, you already know that you're in for some very small bears and some very large monkeys. But what happens next? After our dream weddings, what will we possibly have to look forward to? Well, folks, this week our biggest day is finally here. Our families dressed up, all our friends flew in special, and ever...
Nov 22, 2019•34 min•Ep. 126
Last week, we brought you part one of the harrowing true story of clock.com. This week, Tapan accidentally harrows a stranger at Target. We've been doing a lot of harrowing lately. Also this week is the harrowing real-life conclusion to the true story of clock.com, featuring a voicemail from the consiglieri of the Timex mafia family. If you've got the time, Tapan's mom could use it this week, when she wrongcoasts the right way. Later on, Mike helps Josh have fun with drugs, Tapan mentors a cat, ...
Nov 15, 2019•40 min•Ep. 125
If there's one thing we here at Instead Of HQ believe in, it's the incredible power of education to transform the lives of Canada's youth. That's why we strive each and every week to pack our edu-sodes with all the facts, knowledge, and spoiler-free Survivor trivia your tiny brain can handle. And now we're testing your knowledge with the first-ever, single-question Instead Of pop quiz! This one's for all the roving: 1. What kind of "guy" isn't Josh? A. A "wrist game" guy B. A "memorabilia" guy C...
Nov 08, 2019•44 min•Ep. 124
Corn in all of its forms is a blessing unto this earth, but as we discover this week, corn in pool form is perhaps the grain’s ultimate application. Join your three cornoissuers this week as we dive deep into corn lore, uncovering the noble cornosaurs of old for the first time. Along the way, Josh pursues trivial trivia trivially, Mike chokes on the very corn that got him here, and Tapan comes... to win. Pairings: Same of Thrones; anxiety clay; free speakers!
Nov 01, 2019•41 min•Ep. 123
Here at Instead Of HQ, we like to say that you can't spell "trust" without "us," but you also can't spell "trust" without "rust," and, folks... it's been a while. No matter how much we all love communism, sometimes trusting our comrades takes practice. That's why we're inviting you to enter our innermost circles, where you'll find Josh and Tapan happily broadcasting their location data and Mike caught in Schrodinger's Loop. Elsewhere, Josh totally scares everybody a bunch of times, Mike creates ...
Oct 25, 2019•40 min•Ep. 122
Well, folks, it's finally Spooky October. It's been a long, stupid year, but we're back again to sate your annual lust for spook with our trademark highjinks, lowjinks, drone crows, and augmented reality sledgehammers. When we're not busy being haunted by the looming specter of a personal data breach, we're giving totally unauthorized advice to kids and punching each other 'til we just can't punch no more. Join us this week and see how much gum fits in your mouth! Pairings: invulnerable children...
Oct 18, 2019•43 min•Ep. 121
Sup, friend, from the flesh of the apple, and we here at the Five Star Apple Fest shall permit you entry. Drink of the apple's blood, and you shall join us as heralds of a grand new apple future, where societies the world round will kneel in reverence of the majestic apple and its awesome power. Tarry not! Suck from the teat of the apple juice blaster cannon and enter a red, delicious new world! Other stuff going on in this one: the Josh Harrison World Tour: Josh Harrison: Josh of All Trades, ho...
Oct 11, 2019•44 min•Ep. 120
When one of our co-hosts gets lost in a metaphorical forest of debt, we here at Instead Of simply move on and replace him with a cat. Without further ado, everyone, meet Ernie! Ernie's here to do all the normal Josh things you know and love: have red hair, scratch his litterbox, and weigh in with heady opinions on topics like: why cats should be plumbers, the ever-growing wealth gap, and how to make your body jelly. Later on, we team up to body check Tapan's Canadian shame, Tapan is drawn like a...
Oct 04, 2019•40 min•Ep. 119
Here at Big Josh’s Human Zoo, we’ve got everything your family needs: bags of milk, Jimmy Buffett traps, cases upon cases of cool, refreshing Colk, and prices so low you’ll puke. This week we’ve got a special on Josh’s identity—buy now for 13 weeks of bliss! Later on, Tapan brings balance to the farce, Mike rivals Brendan Fraser at acting, and Josh becomes one with the elephants, or whatever. *Pairings: body confidence; a tainted couch; sugarberries*
Sep 26, 2019•37 min•Ep. 118
Tune in this week for the exciting conclusion to *Tapan's Moving Part I*, *Tapan's Moving Part II: Sconce Edition*. You'll hear all about his new walls, his new ceilings, his new floors, and his pretty new china. That's right—Tapan has more than one plate, and we're here to celebrate. Boy, do we lower the boom. Josh brings a weird energy to the party when he rubs you in four dimensions, Mike's mom calls in, Tapan picks up a Sambuca habit. Tbh it's kind of a rager up in E117. Be careful in there....
Sep 20, 2019•37 min•Ep. 117
