Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!
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Vanessa and Xander Marin revisit their most impactful advice, covering viral tips that have transformed listeners' sex lives. They discuss prioritizing intimacy with the “F*** First Rule,” overcoming physical aversion with the “Bristle Reaction,” and fostering connection through a nightly makeout routine. The episode also explores different desire types and the “Emotional-Physical Conundrum” to help couples understand their needs better, emphasizing that enjoyable sex is key to desire.
This week’s episode is a little spooky , a little silly , and a whole lot of sexy. Since Halloween is tomorrow, we’re bringing you a “Trick or Treat: Smash or Pass” edition of Pillow Talks. We’re running through a list of playful, sometimes weird, and definitely conversation-starting ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or… maybe not). From holding water in your mouth during a BJ to wrapping your partner up like a mummy to switching positions every 60 seconds like it’s a HIIT wo...
This episode features an intimate and honest update from Vanessa and Xander Marin about Vanessa's father's battle with aggressive stage four cancer. They detail the frustrating medical journey, the emotional rollercoaster of a devastating prognosis, and the immense challenges of caregiving and treatment. The couple openly discusses their personal coping mechanisms, including prioritizing self-care, embracing authenticity in work, finding acceptance, and intentionally fostering connection and intimacy in their relationship amidst profound grief.
Let’s talk about oral. We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over? Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone. In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons people struggle to fully relax and enjoy oral. We asked our community to spill their biggest insecurities, a...
Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories. So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for. Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities about sex, intimacy, and relationships. 💛 Here’s what we’re getting into: Why some guys are so into swa...
Vanessa and Xander Marin analyze a raw text exchange between a couple struggling with differing libidos, the wife's mental load, and the husband's feelings of rejection. They dissect what went wrong in their communication, from escalating language to unaddressed underlying fears like abandonment and invalidation. The hosts provide practical tips on distinguishing disappointment from anger, the importance of non-sexual validation, and how to discuss deeper emotional needs to foster connection rather than conflict.
Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up. Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot more exciting. We’re back with a re-air of one of our most popular episodes ever, because initiation is o...
Many people desire more and better foreplay, yet struggles often arise from mismatched expectations and communication gaps. This episode redefines foreplay as a main event, not just a warm-up, highlighting its power to foster connection, anticipation, and pleasure, especially for women. The hosts provide strategies to ask for more foreplay, explore diverse techniques like "choreplay," address fears like losing an erection, navigate differing desires, and break out of routines, ensuring a more satisfying and intimate experience for both partners.
Aging is inevitable. But letting your sex life fade away? Nope. This week, we’re tackling one of our most requested topics ever : sex and aging. We’re answering your biggest questions about how intimacy shifts as the years go by: from libido changes, to navigating menopause, to keeping things hot. 💛 In this episode, we cover: How old is too old to have sex (spoiler: never) What to do if your libido and your partner’s don’t line up anymore Navigating perimenopause and helping your partner unders...
There is absolutely zero shame in using toys in the bedroom. In fact, they can be a game-changer for pleasure, intimacy, and just plain fun. Whether you’re curious about where to start, nervous about how your partner might react, or worried about your kids (or pets!) discovering your stash, we’re covering it all in today’s episode. We’re also sharing some of the funniest (and most relatable) real-life sex toy stories you sent us. Because if you’ve ever had a vibrator confiscated by your toddler ...
The postpartum stage can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) seasons a couple will ever go through. Your relationship changes. Your body changes. Your sex life changes. And with all of that comes a swirl of feelings you might not have expected: Resentment toward your partner A crushing imbalance in the mental load Feeling “touched out” 24/7 Nervousness (or fear) about having sex again Worries about your body never feeling — or looking — the same The awkward, elephant-in-the-room disco...
Imagine this: your partner sits you down and says they want to open your marriage… Not for a real-life person. But for their AI companion . Sounds like a Black Mirror episode, right? But it’s real. In today’s episode, we’re diving into the wild, complicated, and very real intersection of AI and relationships. From romantic connections with chatbots to emotional venting with AI companions, technology is evolving faster than most of us are prepared for. And it’s already showing up in our love live...
Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask. Well some of you asked us! And today, we’re answering your questions about kinks and fantasies. From the psychology of desire to navigating mismatches with your partner, we’re tackling the wild, the vulnerable, and the deeply human side of sexual exploration (as always, with zero shame and plent...
The female orgasm: we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, but it never stops being one of the most requested, most misunderstood, and most fascinating topics we cover. In this episode, we’re flipping the script and looking at orgasm through a partner’s eyes. What does it mean to be supportive? How can you tell if she’s actually orgasming? And why is it so inconsistent? We’re answering your most Googled questions, plus the ones you’ve been too embarrassed to type into a search bar. Here’s wh...
You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.” But what if… you don’t know? 👀 This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm . Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling, body-melting release you’ve seen in movies — this episode is for you. 💦 We’re answering your most p...
You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend. Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything. Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is. These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing. We’re talking postpartum rage, peeing with the door open (or worse… the sound ), and the surprisingly common hygiene habits that lea...
You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe . You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?! This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮 We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majorly backfire. Whether you’re currently dry heaving on the inside… or worrying that you’re the one giving th...
Vanessa and Xander Marin tackle the common challenge of female passivity in the bedroom, exploring cultural conditioning and the fear of "doing it wrong." They share results from polling men on what they truly want, revealing a strong desire for partners to initiate, communicate, and be present, not necessarily dominate. The episode provides practical tips and questions to open communication and help women feel more confident taking an active role in intimacy.
Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex? One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right . One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely. But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex driv...
This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch. Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust. But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and: 47% said they want more touch 37% said they want bette...
Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠 We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men. This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal. 🎙️ Here’s what we’re getting into: What are men actually looking at during doggy style? What do they think when they see a woman w...
Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction ? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched . (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en) The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than y...
Vanessa, a sex therapist, and Xander, her husband, answer listener-submitted questions covering a wide range of intimate topics. They tackle questions about unusual sexual practices like keeping a penis in all night, the normalcy of not kissing during sex, defining pegging, whether other life experiences can be better than sex, concerns about vasectomies and masculinity, the risks of penis pumps, myths about postpartum sex, how to participate during intercourse, and understanding different desire types.
Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood… Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected… This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship? Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal. We’re walking through rea...
This episode explores how mental load—the invisible labor of managing a household and family—significantly impacts couples' sex lives and overall relationship satisfaction. Vanessa and Xander discuss why it feels exhausting, leads to resentment, makes partners feel like children, and kills desire, as confirmed by audience polls. They offer practical tools like creating a clear, equitable plan and address common questions about getting partners to understand and share the load.
In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected. No grand gestures. No impossible checklists. Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically. Here’s what we’re covering: The difference between a rut and a red flag 🚩 How we define “realistic” connection (especially if you’ve got zero bandwidth) A step...
Vanessa and Xander revisit a popular episode discussing the 5 common foreplay mistakes, emphasizing its importance for pleasure and intimacy. They cover issues like treating foreplay as optional, limiting it to the start of sex, struggles with receiving, lack of feedback, and not enjoying the experience. The episode offers practical tips to enhance foreplay and overall sexual satisfaction.
Vanessa and Xander re-air their popular episode on butt stuff, addressing common fears, misconceptions, and questions. They discuss safety, hygiene, pleasure, and societal stigmas around anal play. They also promote their new membership, Deeper, and the retirement of individual guides like Butt Stuff 101 and Dirty Talk 101.
Vanessa and Xander coach two couples navigating relatable challenges. The first couple seeks to spice up their sex life, addressing issues of quick encounters and lack of passion. The second couple grapples with the woman's inability to orgasm, exploring the role of confidence and self-discovery. Practical tools and compassion are offered to improve connection and pleasure.
If you’ve ever joked about “peeing just a little” when you sneeze, or you’re the kind of person who always has to know where the bathroom is, this one’s for you. Vanessa is sharing her personal (and super vulnerable) journey with bladder issues : how it started, the surprising symptoms, the anxiety it caused, and the expert-backed tools and tricks that actually helped. We asked our community if they’ve experienced bladder problems — and 62% of women said yes . So if you’re in that group, or just...
