E216: The Truth About Being Passive In Bed: And How To Take Control

Ladies, has your partner ever asked you to take control in the bedroom and your brain just... immediately short-circuited. If you've ever felt awkward, totally frozen up, had no clue what taking control even means, you are definitely not alone. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

In today's episode, we are diving into the many reasons why women tend to default to passivity in the bedroom, how we're socialized to protect male egos, to avoid rocking the boat, to wait for our partners to take lead because here's the thing like letting go of that script isn't just liberating it can also transform your connection your pleasure and your confidence

And also it can transform the way that your partner experiences sex with you too. Like, I think that, I think that, yeah, like when both partners take an active role, like it can greatly increase the enjoyment. for the other partner just as much. So in today's episode, we're asking the question, are you letting sex happen to you or are you being an active participant in the experience?

and we're also going to talk about what this is like from the male perspective so like what does it feel like if you're the only one initiating or if you're the only one kind of like guiding things along when you're having sex and for men like do men want their partners to be more engaged and if they do spoiler alert they do because we're doing this podcast episode but if they do what does that even look like

So whether you've never taken the lead before or you're just looking to feel a little bit more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip and your how-to guide. Okay, so first let's talk about why is it so hard for women? women to take the lead like why do we hold back in the bedroom

I think so much of this has to do with cultural conditioning. And let's talk about relationships between men and women in particular. Like we are really socialized as women to believe that men are supposed to take the lead. Like men are supposed to be the initiative. They're supposed to lead the interaction and we're supposed to like allow them to do that. So even if we rationally in our minds don't want sex to be that way.

We've been told our entire lives that like that's what sex is supposed to look like. So when we try to like... get out of that narrative, it can feel really uncomfortable for so many of us. Yeah, I mean, or at the very least, I think it can be easy, like when you start having sex with someone new to kind of be like, Oh, God, well, I don't know what to do. So I'll just default. I'll default to that. I'll let him I'll let him drop.

like he'll be happier with that and i think so many people do that very innocently thinking okay well i don't really know what to do today I'll maybe, you know, change this up a week from now or a month from now. But for today, I'll just kind of let him drive. We're also taught to protect men's egos and to kind of be afraid of bruising their egos, especially when it comes to sex.

We don't want him to feel bad. We don't want him to feel like he doesn't know what he's doing or he's not doing a good enough job. So a lot of us just kind of sit back and let him do his thing. Rather than risk, like, oh, my God, what if I hurt his feelings? And then on top of all of that, I think those those are the two biggest dynamics that you just mentioned. But I think that there's a third one that kind of combines with those two.

that can that we don't even think about that can kind of lead to to people feeling really disengaged when it comes to sex and so that is is like in addition to that like okay well he's supposed to take the lead and if i were to take the lead that i might hurt his feelings On top of that, there's this also general messaging towards women of like,

Oh, women just need to like do a better job of letting go during sex. And we hear that so often when it comes to, you know, women who struggle to orgasm or women that don't want sex very much or getting distracted or thinking about other things where it's like there's.

So much messaging of like, oh, you just need to let go during sex. And I think that when you have that messaging combined with, oh, well, he's supposed to take the lead. And like, no, don't say anything because you're going to hurt his feelings. It can be like, oh, OK, well.

yeah then by letting go like i am supposed to let go so i'll just kind of disengage right like i won't be an active participant because i'm not supposed to be and i'm supposed to let go so like i'm doing the right thing right But I think that what happens is when our idea of letting go, and I'm putting letting go in air quotes here, because I think that that idea is kind of...

bullshit or it's like it's the wrong words i think that there's a good intent with this idea of letting go like you know it's not it's about like not being in your head overly but i think that when many of us here letting go we think oh i'm going to disengage i'm going to let him take the lead i'm not going to do anything

And that really just ends up yielding like one person having a really disconnected relationship with the sex that they're having. The other person totally driving and the other person kind of just sitting there waiting for something good to happen to them. And it doesn't because they're not taking an active role in it.

I think a lot of women also have a fear about like doing it wrong. I mean, like there's a specific thing you're supposed to do. Yeah. Like this comes up for people of all genders, to be fair. Like, especially when it comes to sex, we all like want to be so amazing at it.

But we also kind of worry in the back of our heads, like, am I, do I know what I'm doing? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing it wrong? Like we're so afraid of being embarrassed and of things not going perfectly. But I do think.

women struggle more with sexual perfectionism is what we call it this feeling of like wanting every moment to go perfectly so a lot of us will hold ourselves back if we don't feel that confidence that i know it's i know what i'm doing i know it's gonna go well but then it's like if we don't have the experience then we don't build that confidence yeah how could you know what how could you know what to do if you haven't yeah it's a catch-22

Yeah. Yeah. Catch 22. I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. What I was thinking when you first said that was like, you know, if you are thinking, Oh, me take, you know, me, the woman take control. Oh, that's like one of those like fantasies or like a sexual script almost. Or it's like, that's a scene.

and i'm supposed to like portray this scene which makes sense if you have been totally culturally conditioned to think i'm not supposed to take the lead i'm not supposed to like really say anything or give any feedback to my partner Right. Like I'm supposed to kind of let go and just be there. Then, of course, you think, oh, yeah. Oh, this is like a thing that I'm supposed to act out because it's not my normal role. But then you don't know what the scene is. You don't have the script.

So yeah, I think that it's interesting. Like you think about, is that coming up or are you thinking, oh, there's a right way for me to do this? If that's what you're thinking, then I think you need to reconsider. this idea that like hey this this isn't there isn't a script to how you take control it's not like oh yeah the way you're supposed to do it is x y and z it's like

No, it's however you want it, however you want it, however your partner wants it, what feels good for you, what feels exciting. I also think...

A lot of people just feel confused about what does take control actually mean. It's one of those kind of generic phrases that most of us have thrown out at one point or another, but we don't actually know what it means. We've never taken the time. to describe it or like identify it in our relationships or for ourselves. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I don't even, I don't love the terminology take control. Cause like, I think that we tend to.

jump to an extreme when we hear that and think, oh, i'm supposed to completely take control of this interaction okay so what does that mean okay i'm gonna have to like blindfold my partner tie them to the bed they can't move they can't talk like i have to do everything like they are not allowed to do anything and That is absolutely one very specific singular way that you could take control.

But I think, but that's, that's like the most extreme version where it's like literally the other person has zero control there. They have basically no involvement. They can't move, you know, right. They can't move. They can't talk. They, they can't like do anything.

But I think that the reality is, it's better to think of it like be an active participant. Get involved, whether you have... 50% involvement, more than 50% involvement, maybe just more than 0% or more than whatever your baseline level of involvement is.

Like, I think that, yeah, unfortunately, I think a lot of men throw around this, oh, it'd be really hot if you took control line. Because really what they're trying to ask for is like, hey, it would be really cool if you were a little more active. than you typically are.

So you think like, yeah, men are just trying to ask for a little bit more participation, but they're using this phrase that feels way more extreme maybe than they might actually be wanting. I think so. So, I mean, I'd be curious if you were a guy listening to this. Like, yeah, do you actually want your partner to take full control? Or is it that really what you're looking for is like, I would like my partner to be a somewhat more equal participant.

energetically in the sex that we're having well we did ask men we turned to instagram we put a poll up and we asked if you're a male in a relationship with a woman like do you want your partner to take the lead during sex more 84% of men said yes.

damn only 16 said no that's a lot of men and so then we put up a question but we put up two question boxes first we asked like if you feel like you're primarily the one in control what is that feel like for you or like why is it that you want her to be more in control um why don't you read some of the responses that we got yeah so uh one guy said i love when she takes initiative it makes me feel desired

sometimes it feels like i'm performing solo men want to feel wanted too it's exhausting always being the one to initiate or guide things so this is really interesting none of these are All I want is for her to tie me up and blindfold me and completely dominate me. Well, I'm sure that some men want that. And that's totally cool. We'll talk about that later. But like, yeah.

of these what was it 86 of people like in general people are not saying take full control they're just like i want someone to be there with me yeah absolutely there are some interesting words that pop out to me from these responses too like it feels like i'm performing solo like sex should never feel like a performance and especially it should not feel like a performance that one person is doing for another person like this is supposed to be a shared experience a coke

created experience a journey that the two of you are going on together not one person awkwardly on the stage doing their little like tap dance jig for the other yeah or or like one person just presenting their body to the other person And then it's like, okay, you can have it, I guess. Yeah. Also the word exhausting popped up at me too. Like it's exhausting always being the one to initiate or guide things. Yeah.

Men are feeling tired. And you know, I think behind a lot of this too is loneliness. I think a lot of men are feeling lonely. Like they feel like they don't have a partner in this experience. And I think one of the things that contributes to this dynamic is we're taught to think of sex as this physical experience. Like it's just a physical act. It's just getting off.

having an orgasm and especially in male female relationships like we have a lot of scripts about men just you know men just want to get off they just want to get it whenever and wherever and i think we really downplay and underestimate the emotional component to sex the reality that sex is a way that we feel connected to our partner it's this special thing that we are doing with just them it's what separates our relationship from just friends or roommates like it's this incredibly

intimate, deep, bonding experience. And so if you're thinking about it just as this physical act, yeah, it's a lot easier to like, oh, let me just lie back and let this happen. Yeah, it's like something that you're, yeah, creating and experiencing.

Yeah, I mean, because why else would a man want to get into a long-term relationship, into a monogamous relationship, into a marriage with someone if they don't want... that emotional component of sex that comes with it like yeah and it's like we we hear all this kind of damaging like if he wanted to he would type of messaging that often comes from women but it's like if you kind of follow that logic it's like well

Yeah, if he didn't want, if sex was just, I just want to be able to have sex whenever, wherever, without any like emotional tie, like he wouldn't be in a relationship with you. Yeah, absolutely. You know what? I just thought of something else, though, like another part of the cultural conditioning. As women, a lot of us are taught.

That sex is something that is expected from us. That sex is something we're supposed to provide to our partner. That like, you know, there's a lot of a lot of religious teachings or a lot of moral teachings that are like, you know, that's your duty as a wife. That's what you're supposed to do.

for your husband and so if you're looking at sex as something that's an obligation and expectation something that you don't really have any agency in of course you're going to be so much more likely to like let me just let it happen to me oh yeah

you know rather than yeah something that you are consciously choosing for yourself yeah i mean i don't i don't think that you can have both dynamics at the same time where it's like where it's like yeah it's my duty to give this to my partner and also getting excited about being involved. This episode is sponsored by Splash Blanket, the original luxury waterproof blanket redefining what it means to get messy and stay cozy. Is there any more perfect podcast sponsor for us than Splash Blanket?

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things that you want her to do in the bedroom the specific ways that you want her to take control or be more in the lead and we'll get into those in a second they were really really fascinating responses but first let's talk about like

If you're listening to this episode and starting to realize like, oh, that sounds so much like me or like us, like I need I want to fix this. Like, what do I do? Let's first talk about how to start making. changes in your relationship. The first step is really for you and your partner to start communicating about this. Like we can give you ideas, we can tell you the responses that men submitted in those question boxes, but ultimately at the end of the day, what

your partner wants what works for the two of you like that's the most important thing so as with all of our podcast episodes like we always design these with the thought of opening up conversations between partners like listen to the episode together

pause it at certain points, have a conversation between the two of you, or even just use the existence of this episode as a means to open a conversation like, oh my gosh, hey, the new Pillow Talks podcast episode was about women taking control in the bedroom. I'd never really. thought about this before like

I want to ask you a few questions. I really like like blaming it on the podcast in that way because it feels so much lower pressure. Like you're not going to your partner and saying like, oh, we need to talk about something. I've been realizing this dynamic. It totally needs to change. you're just like oh yeah like this podcast was talking about it and figured i might as well ask you about it so i think it just like really brings the pressure down and brings the shame down

So we have a list of questions that you could ask your partner. So if you're listening together, you can pause, answer them, have a little conversation about each, come back and listen to the next one. But here are some questions you could ask your partner. Do you ever wish I was more active or in control during sex? And if you like Xander was mentioning, like he doesn't really love the like in control aspect of it, like just keep it to more active. Do you wish I was more.

active or more participatory. Yeah, I think in this case, it's fine. I like the word more. We're not saying, do you wish I was in control during sex? We're saying, do you wish I was more active or more in control? I think that's a totally fair way to put it. But yeah, no, I mean, more active is probably the most clear way that you could ask that.

You could also ask, what does taking control mean to you? Or what does being more active mean to you? What could that look like? What feels good for you when I take charge? You could ask, what are some moments where you felt the most turned on by me? And maybe, you know, if you're trying to steer the conversation, it would be like moments where maybe I was taking a more active role or more control than what you're used to.

And what is one thing I could do that would feel more engaging to you? We always love that specificity. Because it's one thing to ask, oh, yeah, well, what does being more active or what does taking control mean to you?

Even if you feel like you got a good answer there, because your partner probably gave you a lot of things. I think it's really helpful to ask that question. Okay, what is one thing that I could do tonight that would really feel this way to you? Because then... that that forces you to really think okay well what is the one

Of all these that I referred to, what is the one that's going to feel like the most impactful to me right now? So I think that's always worth asking that question, even if you feel like you've already got the answer.

Okay, so let's talk about the specific answers that men gave. So when we asked them like what are the exact ways that you want women to take control in the bedroom, here were the most common answers that came up. First one.

initiate men are so desperate for women to initiate sex even if you don't do anything else if you just initiate and then they yeah if you just say hey what like like want to have sex later or now or whatever, if you just do that and then let them completely run the show after that, just that right there will probably move the needle more than you know.

That being said, there is more needle that could be moved for your sake because it can be fun for you too to be more involved. Yeah, I mean, so there's so many reasons why this came up. Like, I think we read a quote earlier from...

someone saying you know like men want to feel wanted too like they want to know that you desire them that you want to be intimate with them that you're thinking about them that you're attracted to them because hey turns out validation feels good feels really good right also

It's important for us to recognize that there's so much vulnerability that goes into initiation. Like it's not an easy thing to do. I still feel vulnerable initiating with you like 18 years into this relationship. You shouldn't. No, you can't say you shouldn't.

shouldn't like we're all allowed to feel vulnerable for whatever we feel I feel a little vulnerable sometimes I'm like oh well what if she doesn't want to and then I'm just bothering her yeah I mean when you initiate you're putting yourself out there you're like you're asking for something thing that you want you're putting yourself in a position of your partner maybe saying no and like that always stings and it brings up like

old feelings of like feeling rejected so you know all that to say like when there's just one partner in the relationship who is holding the majority of that weight That is very hard. It's really hard to be the one person taking on that responsibility of initiating. You're dealing with so much more rejection. You're like taking on so much more vulnerability. It's just. It's a lot of emotional and mental labor and effort that goes into it. So we feel really strongly that...

In every relationship, both partners need to initiate. Doesn't need to be 50-50. We don't need to be like tracking it or keeping a tally. But both partners need to do that work. Yeah, because not only is it validating to your partner, not only... Only do they feel wanted. The message that it also sends is that sex is important to my partner. Exactly. They want it too sometimes. And especially...

The dynamic between men and women, the stereotypical dynamic, is that many men feel like they have the experience. I'm saying feel like because there's a lot of other dynamics that come up that most of these men are not aware of contributing to this. But... The way that many men experience long-term relationships or marriages, it felt like my partner loved having sex with me at the beginning of our relationship.

And then one day it felt like they didn't. And then it felt like a chore. And then it felt like something they didn't want. And now I don't even like, I don't, I don't know how to, to, to like.

to comprehend like what how they feel about sex like were they faking enjoying sex with me at the beginning of our relationship because as far as i can tell nothing has changed like the sex that we're having hasn't changed like other you know we're in love we're committed like what is going on and now of course i'm not saying

That like women all of a sudden are just deciding, oh, I'm going to flip the switch and now I'm not into sex anymore. What is really going on? There's so many things. There's mental load. There's resentment. There's the way that, you know, you're maintaining your emotional connection.

the bristle reaction there's kids there's being touched out there's so many things that i think often men conveniently forget about or don't realize are going on but i think that that's a really important dynamic to recognize because whether yeah whether it's right or wrong that's how a lot of men are feeling right now yeah and just having that one experience of their partner being like hey like

I've been thinking about you and I want to fuck. You don't have to say it like that if that feels too nerve-wracking for you. You say it however. But sending the message, I was thinking about having sex with you. I want to have sex with you. Like that's that's if you if you hear that and you're like, oh, my God, I've never done that. You have to do that. Like just and just see what kind of difference that makes. See how his eyes light up.

Okay. And if you're really freaking out, like, oh my God, I've never done this before. Like, I feel so like unconfident, not confident, inconfident. Don't feel confident initiating. We have your back. We have an incredible course called The Art of Initiation that teaches you step-by-step exactly what to do, how to navigate it on both sides, like the initiating and the...

considering how to respond to your partner's initiation. So we'll link that for you in the show notes. It's also available in deeper hour membership. So you can go to a great way. You can learn how to initiate and you can also learn how to have the best sex of your life. all together. So if you just want the art of initiation, you can go straight to vmtherapy.com slash initiate. Or if you want to check out deeper, you can go to vmtherapy.com slash deeper. Okay, another common answer was...

set the mood like create create the scene the environment for sex and this one's so interesting because like i mentioned earlier that script that we have about men that like ah they don't care they just will take it wherever whenever whatever but So many men said like, I want her to like set the mood. I want it to feel sexy and seductive and like relaxing and exciting and very simple things. Like they're like, you know, turn the lights down or like light a candle.

put some music on like it doesn't need to be a huge production but it's just this this way of saying like yeah i'm thinking about you and i want this to be like a great experience for both of us yeah it's just it's another way to show that you care I'm thinking about this. It makes a difference to me what the vibe is when we do this. There were also a lot of mentions of lingerie.

just put some lingerie on that can also be like a way of initiating to just like giving your partner a little peek at what you've got on or telling them like i've got something special on under there for you just like yeah just that simple effort of hey, I took this 10 seconds to throw on some cute, you know, lingerie because I was thinking of you. Or if you don't have any lingerie, even just like your cutest, your cutest bra.

Panties. I don't. You need not to say it. What am I going to say? Underwear. Underwear. Yeah. I hate the word. The P word. I know. I can't say it. But underwear feels like. It doesn't feel. sexy it doesn't feel sexy and i i'm like chonies doesn't feel sexy at all no so i know panties doesn't feel sexy either it feels like like i don't know your little panties yeah it feels like juvenile to me Pants that a baby would wear? Panties? Diminutive pants?

Pants that a baby wouldn't wear. No, those are pantaloons, according to you. But adults wear pantaloons. Don't like pirates wear pantaloons? So pirates and babies both wear pantaloons. Little side note, our friends had a baby and we were like buying a baby gifts for them. And we went and like bought those little pants that have the little like footies attached for newborns. And Xander was like, oh, I know these. These are pantaloons.

Yes, you did. Wow, I don't remember that. I was like, these are definitely not pantaloons. But you were so proud of yourself. You're like, oh, I know what those are. Those are baby pantaloons. Oh, so it would have been better if I said, oh, those are panties. Get these panties for your baby.

Okay, let's move on. Wow, where were we? How do we get back to where we were? Okay, another very common response from men was use your voice more. So a lot of men... Use your... mouth i mean that too vocally so a lot of men said like just talk more openly about sex like say what you want

Give me commands. Like, tell me what you want me to do to you. Seriously, like, that's the best. Really? Yeah, I mean, it's just like, just say what you want. As a command? Even if it's just like, fuck me. Oh, okay. Sit on my face. Or wait, let me sit on your face. Get down under there. Get under my face. Wait. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yes, I could get down under your face. But you really, it would be easier if you came up on top of me. Lie down.

Okay, give commands. Yeah, tell them what you're going to do to them or give them like directions about what you want them to do to you. Yeah, I mean, one thing I just want to throw in here is I think a lot of people get thrown off by this like give a command. You can give a command.

And that doesn't mean you're not locked into like you're giving all the commands for the rest of the session. It doesn't mean that you have to do that thing that you made the command for for that long. I think we get really in our head of like. Oh my God. Well, yeah. Like, okay. I could tell him like I'm getting on top, but then like, what if I don't want to stay on top or then what if like, then I have to like, keep telling him what to do. And.

You're not signing a contract by saying to do something. That says, now I'm in control for the rest of this. Now you only take commands from me. It also doesn't have to be bossy either. Like I think a lot of women hear this and they think they have to like tap into their inner dominatrix kind of vibe.

And it's like, if that feels fun to you, if that's something you want to play around with, for sure, like, go ahead and do that. But it doesn't, that's not the only way to do it. So for you, if you feel more comfortable. Yeah, hey, want to do this? Or like, I would love it if you did that. Or what do you think about this? Could you blank? Yeah, it could be very simple. And you could say it sweetly, too. It doesn't have to be like...

get over here, you fucking little bitch. Be like, oh, I want you to kiss me. You know, it could be very innocent. It doesn't need to be, you know, anything that feels like super X-rated. So there were requests for more dirty talk, but also just more.

talk in general too so like yeah it's hot if you say things like you know I want you to do xyz or do this to me or whatever it is but also just like feeling i think a lot of it is just men want to feel like there's somebody there with them having sex like we've pulled we should pull up these stats like we we did a whole episode about silent sex and so many people are having sex where you are just

dead silent the whole time like not saying a single thing to each other like you you have to talk during sex it doesn't have to be the entire time you don't need to have like a whole conversation elaborate detail but like A little bit of talking goes a long way. Let him know that you're there with him. You're in that experience with him. And again, it could be dirty.

If you want to get dirty, get dirty. If you want to play around with it, play around with it. But it could be something so simple and sweet like, I love you. That feels good. I'm so glad we're doing this. Yeah, and if you want to get dirty or get better at getting dirty, our Dirty Talk 101 guide is a part of deeper.

um that is uh yeah we have a lot of a lot of resources to help you with that within deeper as well so just a little just a little shout out for there it's it's really it is the one-stop shop for everything that you might need in your sex life especially for everything you might need if you're trying to get more active

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Okay, a lot of men also requested that we make more suggestions. So this ranged from being really simple, like something like literally just suggesting the next position to get in. Like, hey, why don't you flip me over? Hey, let me get on top. All the way up to being the one to suggest trying new things. So there's kind of like an initiation almost element to that of like suggesting, hey, I'd like us to play with a toy. Or I was thinking.

about this fantasy that I would love us to act out together or this like role play that I want to play around with with you. So again, a very wide range of things, but men express that they don't want to be the only person who's coming up with the act.

ideas of what to do. It's like the classic what do you want to have for dinner debate that couples have like it's so annoying you have to come up with what are we going to have for dinner every night for the rest of your life but like imagine if just one person

had to decide what you were eating for dinner every night. Like if I was just to you like, okay, babe, time for you to choose again. Like it'd probably be fun for a brief period of time. You're like Chinese food every night. No, I like very quickly. It would get very, I mean, literally if you're listening.

to this right now like imagine the pressure of every single night you are the person who has to decide what you're having for dinner well you know who we could ask you know who we could ask about that Your dad. Oh, I know. Vanessa's mom just like food is food is not her thing like everything is it's okay it's okay it's fine like she eats to live yeah there's not the rest of us are we live to eat there's really no no type of food that she loves mm-hmm

And so she could really care less for your dad chooses every day, every night. Yeah, but I mean, with this making suggestions thing, I really do think this gets back to.

men wanting to see a sign, any kind of sign that their partner is interested in sex. It doesn't have to be as interested as they are in sex. It just is like... some level of interest and i mean i think that this is like this is this is such like a deep question that i think a lot of men have and i think this really goes back to like the the puberty like era, so to speak. I mean, like, I think there is no secret amongst men, young men and, and, you know, teenage boys that.

guys are thinking about sex guys want sex like they're talking about it all the time with other guys there is and and and societally it's just you know there is no mystery that men are thinking about sex a lot men are wanting sex men are men are masturbating like right like that's just like it's just known it would be weird like

it's so known that it would like it's almost like oh it would be weird if you weren't and i think that from a very early age like i i remember this of being like you know like okay yeah i can tell that like you know girls kind of like talk about it in sort of like a braggy way or like a jokey way but there's i mean i remember from a very early age like in puberty being like like

do they are they are are they really into this like i don't really know like you know it's like you don't know like bark are do women masturbate like do they actually think about it beyond like whatever they feel like they need to do in order to be in a relationship with the guy or do what they're supposed to do. And I think that that seed gets planted from a really young age. Is she really into it?

and then if you think like you know guys are having this experience of well gosh it seems like she really is and then it seems like she really isn't and i think you know a lot of men maybe experience that in multiple relationships and really start to wonder so it's just like it's just like yeah it keeps coming back to you know wanting

their partner to take a little bit of action to initiate every now and then and just wanting to know that occasionally their partner is thinking about it and i think that that suggesting something new is such a huge one i've heard that from so many men

I just wish one time she would say something new that she would be excited about trying because that would tell me she's thinking about it. She's thinking about it. There's something exciting about it. I want to bring the excitement of sex back rather than. the burden of sex.

Okay, another answer that we saw, not as much, but it definitely came up was actually guiding the movements. So I think there's also like a real physical element to things as well. Like a lot of times that men... and women have sex the man is the one who's in charge of the movement like he's the one doing the thrusting and like moving into position and all of that stuff and so a lot of men said like it's nice to sometimes get to lie back and let your partner like do the move

So you being on top, you focusing on him, you controlling the angle, the pace, the depth, the angle. Did I say angle twice? Yeah. I think so. The angle is very important. Yeah. having some times when you are the one.

being in that role and i mean this could even happen when you are like when when you're a missionary and the guy is on top where it's like maybe you're not like physically doing the movement so he's not moving but like you know be like grabbing him and being like hey like go slow or like you know or go faster you know kind of like

verbally and or physically, kind of giving just a little bit of feedback. I think that that can be hot where it's like, oh, okay, yeah, this is how she wants it. She's telling me, she's directing me, she's moving me. I think that can be a fun experience at times. And finally, we heard a lot of like just...

be there with me in the moment. I mentioned this a little bit already about this idea of like men feeling lonely during sex and feeling like you're not like fully there with him. We heard so many responses that were just like, I just want like more kissing. I want more.

eye contact i want more touching so many men said like my partner literally just lies there like they're just kind of starfishing on the bed and it you know literally feels like i'm just doing sex to her she's not like participating in the moment like in the experience with me just literally just lie in there so it's like yeah show interest in what's going on show your partner that you are there with them not just going through the motions I mean I guess it like it

It brings up, imagine going out on a date with somebody and you're like trying to talk to them, have a conversation and they're just giving you like one word answers. Like, yeah. Yeah. Hmm. No. Like that would be a horrible date. Or like they're pulling out their phone and just like scrolling and like, yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. That's what you're doing during sex. And your partner is not enjoying it. And this does, for me, like loop back into this idea that so many of us have that like.

sex is something that we're supposed to just give to our partner. So a lot of women think that they're doing the right thing or the good thing by like, okay, let me just let him do it. But like, that's not the kind of sex that he wants. It doesn't feel good. he'll probably take it but that doesn't mean he's excited about it that doesn't mean he wants it it doesn't mean that yeah like it doesn't mean that he is that he's like not building up his own resentment or disappointment or whatever

feelings around it. I think that somebody was going to go, well, whatever. Okay. Well, I'm just going to give it to him so that he can't like have any feelings about this. And I was like, no, he definitely does. Yeah.

Man, it was so interesting just going through all those responses and seeing like it was great to get specifics. We always love getting specific here at Pillow Talks. We don't like the generic like, yeah, just like be in control more. Like we wanted to give you specific ideas. And it was great to see. men having specific answers like it wasn't just a like no i just want you to yeah just do that um they had specific things that they wanted and again just being able to see the like

the emotion behind it too. Or it's not just, you know, I want her to have the absolute best technique ever. It's like, no, I just want her to like... be there with me like connect with me be present with me it's really interesting to see that so i hope that this has given you some great ideas some great starting points you know i think that we really shared a lot of tips that are very

simple things to do all the way up to things that might feel a little more out of your comfort zone a little more vulnerable so get started on something that feels easier like we're all about just taking small consistent steps so don't feel like you have to jump into the deep end and try something like wildly vulnerable. Like just try one of the smaller tips that we talked about. I think even just the act of being able to acknowledge.

to your partner, hey, I listened to this podcast episode and I can totally see how I've been guilty of some of this, you know, falling prey to some of this conditioning. And then I've been, you know, kind of behaving a certain way around. I've been contributing to it.

healthy dynamic when it comes to sex it's not only is it unhealthy for me and my own sexuality but i can see how it could be unhealthy or at least have an adverse impact on you in terms of how much you're enjoying sex and how much you might be wondering if I even care about this thing that I really do care about. And, you know, and I think this is the important part is acknowledging that and saying, hey, I'm starting to realize that I need to unlearn a lot of this stuff.

I'm starting to realize that a lot of this stuff got in really deep in me. And as much as I wish I could just jump in and be superwoman that fucks tonight. Superwoman that fucks. Like as much as I wish that I could do that or as much as I wish that we could just have this one conversation where I could be like, yeah, I just realized that I've been doing this wrong for the last 20 years and this changes now.

it doesn't just change now it's really hard to undo this kind of you know social societal conditioning it takes a really long time it takes a lot of It takes a lot of trying, trying new things, trying again when we revert to the old ways.

But it's just a it's a continued conversation. It's a continued check in. And honestly, just that acknowledgement to your partner, I think, goes such a long way of like, hey, you know what? I do care about sex with you. I care about sex in general, and I especially care about it with you. And I think about it. I want it. And I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable with how to express how I want it. But I want you to know that I'm trying.

Love it. Boom. Mic drop. Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Maggie, do you have anything else to say? She's been really grunting up a storm over here. Yeah, you might have heard a couple honks. Yeah, it's Maggie on my lap.

not watching on YouTube you definitely should be because you get to stare at her for the entire episode she sits on my lap she's always got her tongue out she's I don't know twisting around trying to get more comfortable it's very cute yeah and I though I guess I was gonna say watching on youtube you probably can't tell we are both we are both really hot over here we're having we're getting we're having our

You think we're a little sweaty looking? Are you trying to explain? Maybe. We might be glistening a little bit. We just look like we had a nice facial laser done or something. I know. Probably look great. Do I look sweaty? no okay i feel sweaty though but it's just my back but yeah no we're having the the ac replaced at our house and we were in the like three-day window

No AC on the hottest days of the year so far. Yeah, what's been the hottest couple of days of the year so far. Not that hot relative. I think like East Coast people are like, oh my God, it's the middle of June and you're replacing your AC. That's crazy. It's not that bad here, but.

Okay. Well, on that note, all right. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to our hot and glistening podcast here. Yeah. The glistening pillow talks podcast. Oh, that sounds weird. All right. Thanks for listening or watching. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.