My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful. Episode transcript The "as if" technique Ruth Chang's method for making hard choices Atomic Habits by James Clear More on recurring s...
Feb 28, 2023•6 min
When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcript The 2018 research Source of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Feb 01, 2023•4 min•Ep. 151
Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations. Episode transcript The problem with totalizing The sample list of things to practice, along with information about each To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Jan 03, 2023•7 min•Ep. 150
When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcript The 2007 research The 2018 research The 2021 research Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Dec 30, 2022•6 min•Ep. 149
When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice. Episode transcript The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos More on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversation Shared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that conflict ha...
Nov 08, 2022•5 min•Ep. 148
Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative. Episode transcript Evaluating whether we should raise an issue or let it go Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new epi...
Oct 25, 2022•7 min•Ep. 147
Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening. Episode transcript The journal article Every conflict contains a bid to be seen Multitasking is bad for good listening The downside of copious note-taking Practicing transparency when overwhelmed by a long-winded ...
Oct 11, 2022•7 min•Ep. 146
Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships. Episode transcript About Biosphere 2 About trees and stress wood How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later When parents avoid disagreeing in front of child or routinely break up sibling arguments When parents prevent their child from expressing e...
Sep 13, 2022•6 min•Ep. 145
When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important. Episode transcript Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Aug 16, 2022•5 min•Ep. 144
This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution. Find the interview here To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Aug 03, 2022•1 min•Ep. 143
You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses. Episode transcript Celeste Headlee Charles Derber Stealing someone's story Holding the space Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Jun 25, 2022•6 min•Ep. 142
When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here’s an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out — and for managing other troublesome impulses too. Episode transcript Why it's hard to reason someone back into reasonableness Why it's good to interrupt rumination Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
May 28, 2022•6 min•Ep. 141
Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again? Episode transcript Pema Chödrön's Getting Unstuck More about the power of perceived understanding in relationships Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict When conflict is real but not true Tammy's book, The Conflict Pivot Tammy on twitter Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here ....
Apr 30, 2022•8 min•Ep. 140
We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it’s easy to overlook someone violating what we consider to be conversational norms. But when conflict enters the picture, our Ghost Rules can contribute to tension and escalation. Episode transcript Two ghost rules my husband and I had when we met The conflict resolution toolbox Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Apr 02, 2022•6 min•Ep. 139
When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultimate questions deserve a permanent place in our conflict resolution and problem-solving toolkits. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Mar 05, 2022•6 min•Ep. 138
When we’re on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to clients I’m coaching or in anticipation of mediation, including ones I use myself. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Feb 05, 2022•9 min•Ep. 137
The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Jan 08, 2022•7 min•Ep. 136
When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Nov 30, 2021•6 min•Ep. 135
Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. To reduce defensiveness and increase their willingness to take responsibility, use this research-supported approach when you confront. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Nov 02, 2021•5 min•Ep. 134
Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn’t start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Sep 02, 2021•5 min•Ep. 133
When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for a much better conversation. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Jul 19, 2021•6 min•Ep. 132
Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Jun 25, 2021•4 min•Ep. 131
The Space Between is now called Disagree Better
Jun 24, 2021•3 min•Ep. 130
When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. But what if there’s something even more powerful for the job? Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
May 21, 2021•6 min•Ep. 129
A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking and I have an alternative question to propose. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Apr 22, 2021•6 min•Ep. 128
Five ways to stop "less-than"-ing during conflict and conflict resolution. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Mar 12, 2021•5 min•Ep. 127
Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Feb 09, 2021•5 min•Ep. 126
Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution. Find the QueryCards here . Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Jan 15, 2021•2 min•Ep. 125
Practicing scales is an elegantly simple way to get a read on where someone stands along a continuum. It’s useful for illuminating the nuances in disagreements that sound polarized. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Nov 24, 2020•4 min•Ep. 124
Ruminating — dwelling on troubled thoughts and feelings — impairs good decision-making and can make us more aggressive. It’s a seductive habit and I really want everyone to develop alternatives that serve us better. Maybe one of these three alternatives to rumination will be a good replacement habit for you. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Oct 06, 2020•6 min•Ep. 123
