When someone is upset, one familiar response is to ignore it and forge ahead. Another is to try to make them feel better with kind reassurance. Both of these approaches are a version of “make it go away.” There’s a third, more fruitful approach: Turn toward it. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
They say that if we see a pothole on the road in front of us and we focus on it, we will inadvertently steer right toward it. To avoid the pothole, the trick is to broaden our view and focus on where we actually want to go. This kind of deliberate focusing of our attention on the kind of future we want is essential in conflict resolution too, as this negotiation story from U.S. President Jimmy Carter reminds us. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automat...
It’s possible to turn criticism into a positive conversation, whether you’re the recipient of someone’s criticism or you’ve gotten feedback about being too critical. The key is to find the hidden message the criticism is trying to convey. Here’s how to do that. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Conflict is very good at creating listening barriers. When they’re talking we’re only half listening while we wait to talk, formulate our comeback, struggle to keep calm, and fall into other habits that get in the way of good listening. If you’re in a position to help someone come back into good listening, try these four questions to prompt the return (you can use them with yourself, too). Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at ta...
When negative experiences leave someone with strong emotional memories, discussing those experiences during conflict resolution can be tricky territory. The solution isn’t to suppress discussion of negative events or ask people to set aside their strong emotions. Recent research offers insight into a simple way to navigate emotional memories in a way that reduces the negative side effects. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at ta...
There’s a new book out, Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic , released yesterday on Amazon. The brainchild of Michael Lang and Peter Nicholson, the book features conflict resolution advice for couples and families from over 70 mediators and related professionals from 10 countries. Here’s my contribution and more details about the collective wisdom in the book. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at ...
When someone won’t change their behavior, we may try to persuade them by fiat or information. Both approaches can work, but too often, they fail. Here are three reasons force and facts fail to persuade and what to try instead. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Life looks different for most of us than it did a few weeks ago. The dramatic changes in the rhythm of our lives, the economic uncertainty, and the anxiety about health and safety are breeding grounds for stress and conflict. Here are a few things you can do to get ahead of conflict while working from home during the coronavirus pandemic. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
By the time we decide to get help with a conflict, or by the time we’re called in to help others, the conflict has often become chronic or acute. Chronic conflict and acute conflict are harder to resolve and more likely to damage personal and workplace relationships. Resolution of chronic or acute conflict is reactive. Upstream conflict resolution is proactive and mitigates acute and chronic conflict’s side effects. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes aut...
Rumination, or dwelling on anger or hurt after a conflict, isn’t a helpful habit. To stop ruminating at night or any other time you find yourself dwelling on your distress, here’s a thought exercise to help you stop the endless and potentially harmful loop. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
In the midst of conflict it’s hard to get a fresh perspective about the situation or the other person. This simple question is excellent for tempering our certainty, engaging our curiosity, and sparking a shift in perspective when we need it most. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Sound decisions, healthy team dynamics, and resilient personal and professional relationships don’t require or even particularly benefit from an absence of conflict. When there’s conflict and tension, the goal isn’t to abolish it, but to navigate it in ways that prevent damage and inspire deeper consideration of solutions. The goal is to disagree better. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
We use tools to do something more effectively and efficiently. But just like physical tools, ill-chosen conflict resolution tools will not yield the results we need. Here are three questions to help choose and use the right conflict resolution tools for the moment. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
One reason disagreements turn into conflict and ongoing tension is our failure to see — or acknowledge that we see — the other person in the way they most deeply wish to be seen in the world. One way to disagree better is to respond to their bid to be seen, not with miserly reticence, but with generosity of spirit. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
If you believe someone is aggressive, could they behave more aggressively with you than with others? If someone believes you are a hostile person, are you likely to act more hostile when you interact with them? It’s called behavioral confirmation and if you’re interested in your own or others’ conflict behavior, it’s worth understanding. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Only people we love and care deeply about can make us so angry we want to blow a gasket, says famed Star Trek actor George Takei. When someone or something we care deeply about sparks big anger, here’s a way to turn anger into curiosity and use it positively. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
The outset of a difficult conversation often feels like a back-and-forth trading of position and perspective with little common ground. Here’s how to use the psychology of agreement to begin shifting that kind of positional debate to collaborative problem solving. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
It feels productive to toss out ideas for a solution and demonstrate how much we want to help. But it’s usually unproductive if we haven’t done something essential first: Make sure we understand the problem from their frame of reference. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
When we’re overwhelmed by a difficult conversation, one reason can be that we’re too focused on the horizon and not focused enough on the very next step. A very helpful mindset in moments like this is to “do the next right thing.” Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
When we listen well, sometimes others hog air time and just keep talking. It’s an inadvertent, and often unwelcome, side effect of good listening. Here’s a way I like to handle long-winded talkers that’s both effective and kind. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
When confronting difficult behavior, we typically focus on what we want the other person to stop doing. Sometimes this works. But too often, we create a “behavior vacuum” with this approach, making it harder for them to stop the difficult behavior. Here’s how to avoid this common misstep. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
When we want to control emotions better in the midst of a difficult conversation, we may try to ignore the unwelcome emotion or try the opposite, indulge it. These approaches don’t work very well in the face of incapacitating emotions. But something else does: Give the emotion a name. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Blame vs contribution — the differences are straightforward to grasp intellectually, yet sometimes tricky to employ effectively in conflict situations. Here are a few ways to shift a conversation from blame to contribution without appearing to blame the victim. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
When we say we want to understand someone, but then view them through our own judgmentalism, we’re not being honest with ourselves. Compassion and understanding go hand in hand — when we let them. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
The way we approach problem solving influences the solutions we can see — and are willing to see. When problem solving gets stuck, sometimes the best way to get unstuck isn’t to keep searching for better options or downgrade our expectations, but to flip the problem we’re trying to solve. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
When you can’t agree even with your best effort, having fallback criteria can break the agreement logjam and allow you get on with other things. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
The Einstellung effect is a cognitive trap that prevents us from seeing better or simpler solutions to problems we’re trying to solve. Here’s how to recognize it and reduce its effect. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
Conflict has a way of magnifying our bad listening habits. I frequently see the following listening habits get in the way of constructive and collaborative problem-solving during conflict and thought I’d flag them for attention. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .
When we get into a conflict with someone, it’s natural to replay our experience of the conflict, both in our minds and as we tell others about it. Over time, this replay can begin to feel like The Truth About What Happened. But it isn’t. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ ....
Gravity problems make conflict resolution more difficult because they sidetrack us from actionable problems. Here’s how to recognize gravity problems when you see them, why they’re troublesome, and how to prevent them from hijacking resolution. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ . r...
