Johnny recently signed up for Netflix and instantly he came down with a serious case of buyer's remorse. All he wanted was a nice movie night with his family. Instead, he got an unsteady stream of absolutely nothing. He truly cannot stand Netflix. But Dave thinks it's great. Of course, all Dave really needs is Breaking Bad on his iPad, some eighteen-year-old single malt scotch and just about anything works for him.
Do you brake for yard sales? Well then we think you're probably a used saucer short of a complete place setting. Johnny recently observed a parade of circus mutants picking through his son's collection of junk. And always remember, if it says "free stuff," nobody wants it.
Are you someone who texts while driving? Do you eat, read the paper or apply makeup when you're behind the wheel? If you are guilty as charged, we have a bone to pick with you. Can we please put the iPhone down and pay attention to the road for more than five-seconds?
If you hear some odd sounds in the background of our latest podcast, it's not because Johnny ate a whole bag of dried apricots. Dave's having a new air conditioning system installed at his world-wide headquarters all while the contractor is building a fine new house on Dave's dime.
Can Obama do anything right? He goes over to Normandy for the 70th anniversary of D-Day tribute, gives his usual eighth-grade-level speech, and then is caught on camera chewing gum during the other speeches. No respect. No class. No shame. No clue.
If we told you last week that Obama would trade five vicious Taliban detainees for one US soldier, who may, in fact, be a deserter, you would have said we were even more insane than usual. Well friends, the insanity is very real and it's emanating from, you guessed it, Washington.
A serious crisis is fermenting in our great country. We're runnng short on high-end whiskey. But fear not dear anonymous alcoholics, Dave has had the foresight and the "spheres" to stockpile enough amber liquid to get him through at least the end of next week.
Like most people, we have our pet peeves. We literally hate it when someone uses 'literally' as a superlative and mistakenly tries to convert the impossible into the literal. We can't be the only ones, can we?
As the last day of school draws near, nights at the school are filled with an endless array of concerts and shows. As much as the children are looking forward to summer, parents are equally excited to put their feet up, drink an adult beverage and not look at other kids' art for at least two months.
Have you noticed the latest trend in international crisis management? If 234 Nigerian girls are kidnapped, all you have to do is hold up a sign with a hashtag and a slogan and your obligation is fulfilled. #seriously?
Johnny recently had a health scare, but that wasn't the worst of it. His octogenarian roommate in the hospital was a man who liked to repeat himself who liked to repeat himself.
The vacation of a lifetime ... on the cheap? Johnny's wife wants to take the family to Disney without paying for Mickey's Bentley. Dave's an expert. Let's ask him the ultimate rhetorical question about bargains in the Magic Kingdom.
Michael Sam is the first openly gay man to be drafted by an NFL team. Now social progress is all well and good, but we really don't want to see anyone, gay or straight, suck face on national TV.
Most of us dog owners know there's an etiquette to picking up Fido's "business." We also know doody duty is absolutely no fun, but c'mon people, where's your sense of doody decency and respect?!
Remember those sex education classes in ... elementary school? We guess the "giggle fest" is starting earlier every year.
Who in their right mind would buy a $30 lottery scratch ticket? Dave and Johhny would. Too bad they don't live in Texas.
There's an old adage that says: in polite company, one should never discuss religion or politics. Well, if you're the one regular listener (Thanks Mom!) to our podcasts, you know Dave and Johnny are almost never polite. With this in mind, we delve into the New Hampshire senate race into which the former junior senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown (R for RINO), has insinuated his carpet-bagging carcass because he couldn't manage to beat a fake Indian in his actual home state. Johnny, our staid...
At the risk of coming off as un-patriotic, anti-health, or just plain insensitive, let's make one thing perfectly clear;WE CAN'T STAND MARATHONS! And we reserve a special place in our admittedly despicable hearts for the the annual spring imposition which is the Boston Marathon. Our fair city is already congested with so much traffic that when they close some of the main thoroughfares for the annual running of the Kenyans, our town virtually shuts down. We are well aware of the significance of t...
At some point in each of our lives, we have had to pull off the highway and into a Rest Area. Whether we've needed to use the aromatic restrooms, savor the sublime delights of fast food, mortgage the house to fill up the gas tank or any of the above, we understand these interstate "oases" are firmly ingrained in our uniquely American culture. Dave is intimately familiar with many of these places because, as we're often reminded, he does a lot of driving. They are as familiar to him as the stack ...
Everyone knows about the "three second rule,"right? It basically states that if you drop a piece of food or candy on the floor or ground, you have three seconds to pick it up and then you're allowed to eat it without reservation. Never-you-mind that scientists have proven that bacteria attaches instantly; not to mention the strong likelihood that plain ol' dirt adheres pretty quickly as well. Dave and Johnny are not going to let the threat of a potentially crippling gastro-intestinal illness dis...
Ah, the lovely month of April, resplendent ($10 word) with tulips, forsythia, rain showers, robins, baseball, the Boston Marathon, and, alas, the ugly and dooming certainty of tax day. We know some of you like to get a lump sum refund after you've financed the government interest-free for a year. But for Dave and Johnny, make that Johnny's wife, it's time to pay up, big time. So, tune in to bask in the suffering of others as they endure the agony of their first-world problems. And, don't forget ...
Johnny may look like your typical union leg-breaker, but underneath all that subcutaneous fat and baldness he's just an old softie, especially when it comes to his beloved 11-year-old niece Tanya. Recently, he was entrusted with two simple jobs: buy Tanya new glasses for no more than $150 and keep boys out of her bedroom. Johnny went 0 for 2 that day and his wife and children have been merciless in their admonishment ever since. Don't worry though, all is fine, except for Johnny's crushed sense ...
Dave called Verizon to ask a simple service question. An hour later he had been put on hold dozens of times, forced to listen to what could loosely be called music and upsold up the yin yang. All he wanted was a simple answer but alas, 'twas not to be. To Dave's credit, he was uncharacteristically patient and good-natured considering he was clearly trapped in his own personal Verizon of hell.
At the end of a long and typically frustrating day there is nothing Dave enjoys more than unwinding with a tumbler filled with a little ice and a healthy "dose" of eighteen-year-old single-malt scotch. Not that he's obsessive or compulsive about his beverage of choice ... well, okay, maybe just a wee bit. And don't tell him he has a drinking problem. On the contrary friends, he knows exactly what he's doing and to him, it's no problem at all. Cheers lads.
Every year Dave takes his family to Disney World. And every year the "magic" is enjoyed by young and old alike. And every year Dave sees his fellow park attendees strolling down Main Street with one particular mouth-watering delicacy tightly clutched in their soon-to-be greasy hands. We're talking turkey legs boys and girls. We're talking turkey legs that never missed "leg day" at the turkey gym. We're talking turkey legs that look like brontosaurus legs and taste like ham. Yup - ham. To make ma...
For most adults who drive their children to school each morning there is a clear understanding that the Blue Zone is a "kiss and drop" zone. We are supposed to pull up, plant a smooch on our beloved youngster and then carefully drive away. But in Johnny's tony suburb rules are meant only for the "peasants" and can be casually ignored because some people are just more important than the rest of us. And the sooner we understand that, the better off we will all be.
Today we get to hear about Dave's softer side. And, as the collective jaws of 2Legends Nation drop in utter shock, we assure you a "kinder gentler" Dave does indeed exist. You see, Dave and his family adopted a rescue dog as a birthday present for his younger son. Dave does have to draw the niceness "line in the sand" somewhere, and in this case, it's in the dog food aisle ... on the bottom shelf. Because, compared with what the new dog wants to eat, the cheap stuff is like manna from heaven.
Johnny has one appointment with his dentist in the morning and another with his diabetes doctor in the afternoon. Dave hasn't been to any doctor's office in a long, long while and doesn't plan on going anytime soon. Dave just doesn't want anyone poking or palpitating any part of his body while Johnny is sadly resigned to the fact that he is one of the afflicted and thus he must suffer the indignity of regular cavity searches.
"They" say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, "they" and Dave clearly are not on the same page of the menu. On the other hand, while Johnny is enjoys a hearty classic breakfast, he is already thinking about lunch, dinner and the snacks in between. It's not that Dave doesn't like to eat, "au contraire mon ami," it's just that the morning meal isn't his "thing" and thus he misses out on the cavalcade of solitary older men who go to McDonald's and stare silently out the window w...
Have you ever been sitting at your favorite bar, minding your own (multiple-martini-imbibing) business, when some jerk shows up and ruins everything? Well, it happened to Dave and he was surprised to learn that this time he wasn't the problem. And be sure to listen for Dave's perfect scenario of a just ending for his latest and truly undeserved nemesis.
