Johnny's sons are avid surfers. In fact, they will drive over an hour to Dave's family's oceanfront summer home to surf, wait for it, in the winter. Is it cold? Hell yes! But the boys have neoprene wetsuits, hoods, gloves and booties. Still sound cold? YES! Well, that's no problem for our intrepid young men. They have a special, if not disgusting, trick to keep warm.
It's no secret that Dave is not above placing a wager or two at our local Indian-run casino, especially while he's trying to corrupt his younger, more impressionable cousins under the guise of celebrating their twenty-first birthdays. And it will also come as no surprise that Dave has zero patience for idiots, fools and folks who couldn't buy a clue if they hit every slot machine jackpot on the floor. With all this in mind, the burning question from his latest foray into gambling is: where's Bob...
The Oscar ceremony has come and gone and was much like all the previous shows in that it was full of self-congratulating, constant preening, long-winded, forgettable, usually humorless, megalomaniacal, verbal self-pleasuring and seemingly endless "moments." With all the plastic surgery "victims" in attendance, it was often hard to tell some of the players without a scorecard. In the end, it was all just too predictable, which, coincidently, is also the problem with most of the films Hollywood pu...
Up here in sophisticated New England we've had a tough, cold winter with a lot of snow. We assume it's been worse in places like Minnesota and Canada ... but we don't care. Spring can't come fast enough as far as we're concerned. Just the other day, Johnny was up on his roof shoveling snow because water was leaking into his living room. His ladder was frozen solid and he needed a sledgehammer to "fix" it. We all want the warm sunshine, now. It's gotten so bad we even miss the mosquitoes.
There's a hot mess of trouble in this crazy world these days and our amateur President is doing what he always does, nothing. We guess, in a way, that's a good thing, because he'd probably only make it worse. Leadership? What's that? Common sense policies? You're kidding, right? America, a troubled world turns it's lonely eyes to you. And what do they get for a response? (Cue the crickets) They get a big fat '0' as in O-bama and his merry band of incompetent cabinet members. We're just sayin'...
Dave's idea of a good time is lying in bed and binge-watching "House of Cards" on his iPad mini while drinking 18-year-old scotch. Fair enough. What Johnny doesn't seem to understand is how does Dave fit the DVDs into that little tablet and the whole red envelope "thing." We think Johnny may need a software update.
Ah, the "holiday" most men dread above all others, Valentine's Day. Why? Because it's not for us and we don't want to be "that guy" at the CVS at the last minute grabbing any old card and a heart-shaped box of crappy chocolates because we don't want to deal with a week of the silent treatment. Romance, ain't it grand
Football is over and baseball doesn't truly start for another two months. So what are we going to do to assuage our hunger for televised sports that count? Well, the answer for the ladies and some dance-oriented men is the virtual non-stop figure skating exhibition that is the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Oh by the way, it's BYOP; bring your own pillow. Fabulous!
Have you ever encountered THAT guy at a children's sporting event who is loud, obnoxious and "borderline" abusive toward the refs, opposing coaches and parents? Well then, you've probably met our Johnny. His "Legend-ness" has been asked to leave each of his children's games on many an occasion. And it's not like the targets of his disdain didn't have it coming; it's just his delivery system that is somewhat questionable. In short, Johnny is a bad fan.
So, Johnny's great idea was to load his eleven-year-old niece Tanya into his Ford pick up truck and drive the 475 miles from Boston to DC to attend the B'nai Mitzvah ceremony for his twin cousins. Much to Johnny's chagrin, Tanya did not like anything about the trip except for the hotel room and McDonald's drive-thru. Plus, now Johnny knows all of Miley, Katy, Bruno and Bieber's songs by heart. Does anyone know where Johnny can rent a wrecking ball?
We love NFL football. That's because we're unapologetic, red-blooded American men. So we, like about one-hundred million like-minded US citizens, plopped ourselves down in front of our flat screens with our chips, dip and adult beverages of choice and watched as the Seahawks decimated the Broncos in one of the most lop-sided and boring Super Bowls in recent memory. When the best part of the game was Bruno Mars' halftime show, you know we have truly been "Locked out of Heaven."
We are sure, like us, you've often seen evidence of our fellow man exhibiting a total disregard for the sensibility and propery of others. Exhibit A: We go to the men's room at Dave's high-end office complex to do our "business" and we discover some cretin has defaced both sinks and the counter top with black spray paint. Just what in the name of hell is going on here? Seriously!
It's cold and flu season, especially at Johnny's house. His wife and niece are sick with something awful and all he hears is sniffling, coughing and sneezing. Now Johnny got his annual flu shot but his wife doesn't believe in flu shots so she and their niece didn't get one. So far, Johnny's just fine, and he's not worried about getting sick. He's worried about the consequences of being right when he's on the wrong side of his beloved bride's point of view.
Two First Ladies seem to always make headlines. One spends taxpayer money on travel and entertainment like it's her birthright. Another aspires to higher office by riding her husband's coattails as a fawning media shamelessly covers for her. At least that's Johnny's opinion. And wait until you hear his views on the 19th amendment. Paging Susan B. Anthony.
Recently Dave travelled south to join his uncles and cousins for his first-ever golf experience. Dave, by his own admission, is not very athletic Now, when a few cocktails are added to his Olympic lack of coordination, a little hilarity might ensue. Let's just say his tee shots might have had some local reptiles ducking for cover.
We're, by nature, not very patient men, especially when it comes to poor or even non-existent national leadership. Taking a daring step into the world of politics, our 2 Legends tell you what they think of the current US president. Spoiler alert: They don't like Mr. Obama, and they have their reasons. Whether or not they make any sense, we'll leave that judgement to you.
We've had it with the messed up priorities concerning the over and premature commercialization of our once sacred holidays. This year we saw Christmas being promoted in October before Halloween. And now comes the revelation and resurrection of Easter candy even before the "holiday" tree has been tossed to the curb. For crying out loud, don't we have to suffer through the hell that is Valentine's Day first?
It's high time we talked about the legalization of marijuana... So today we're going to weed through all the hype and get right down to manning up when it comes to the ingestion of pot. And it's a joint effort. (You'd think these puns were funny if you lived in Colorado.) Listen in and inhale metaphorically as we discuss the "weed of wisdom."
When we were kids we braved almost any weather, including snow, to get our butts to school. But these days every school administrator goes into panic mode when they see a snowflake, hear a dire forecast or see that the next town over has declared a snow day. New Englanders used to be a tough breed, but not anymore. Let the rant begin.
We have a confession to make. Sometimes, when we're "on the throne" we get our best texting, emailing and shopping done. We know we are not alone. The intrigue and sense of social discomfort is overwhelming...
We think people who go all out to celebrate New Year's Eve are either trying too hard or they're just plain stupid. For us it's just another night. Give us some fake Chinese food and leave us alone. We want nothing to do with your alcohol-fueled revels trapped in Times Square among millions of your like-minded idiot "friends."
We see signs every day... Stop signs, Open signs, No Trespassing signs, etc. Now most of these signs make sense, but at the funeral of Nelson Mandela we witnessed a bold hoax perpetrated upon the world. For us, it was both a bad and yet a very, very funny sign.
It takes a special kind of person to have their beloved dead pet stuffed by a taxidermist. We think that special person needs to see a special kind of highly trained psychoanalyst immediately. Check out our 2 Legends' take on what they do when their pets "check out."
So we don't have a podcast mascot... and while we have no problem with Braves, Giants, Patriots, Redskins or Arabs as mascots, we feel a much more intimidating and effective representative would be a huge “Masshole” coming at you with an axe to grind.
So years ago we went to college and our parents spent an inordinate amount of money so we could learn first-hand about alcohol, illicit drugs and the facts of life. Decades later Dave gets a call from an earnest college girl asking for a modest donation to his beloved alma mater. Dave then "politely" proceeds to give her a whole new education.
Familiarity breeds contempt, especially when it comes to our 2 Legends and their mutual disdain for snow. And it's not just the "white stuff" but also how people (most of whom we should shovel under) lose at least 3 of their 5 IQ points when it comes to driving in winter.
You've heard of he said/she said, right? Well how about he said/what the hell did she just say? Everyone's talking, but no one's communicating. Language barriers are real, and they suck
We are all under a great deal of pressure to be environmentally conscientious. That's fine. But don't tell us we're bad people because we don't clean and recycle everything. Have you seen China lately?
Over the river and through the woods and far away from Dave's house you go, especially if he doesn't know you. It's that time of year to give thanks ... that you've been invited to Johnny's home instead.
Winter is coming to our neck of the woods. But it's nothing a few hundred dollars dropped at the outdoor store can't cure. We refuse to let the cold air kill us. Alcohol might do the trick but not sub-freezing weather.
