Carl Knickerbocker, JD is an Award-Winning divorced lawyer with 3 children in a thriving blended family. He's an emotional abuse survivor, parallel parenting advocate, and all-around sceptic of everything dealing with trendy-trendy coparenting and the family court system. He is the founder of Unapologetic Parenting, IG influencer, multiple year SuperLawyer, and passionate speaker on all topics dealing with divorce and parenting after divorce. Getting divorced does not mean you failed your kids. Coparenting should never be done at the expense of your sanity. Episodes cover strategy, boundaries, recovery, healing, and effective kid-raising tips. Join us for healing and learning!
Last refreshed: ⓘ
Follow this podcast in the Metacast mobile app to refresh it and see new episodes.
Don't just listen to podcasts. Learn from them with transcripts, summaries, and chapters for every episode. Skim, search, and bookmark insights. Learn more
In this revealing episode of Unapologetic Parenting , host Carl Knickerbocker tackles the all-too-common struggle of trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex, and why it often feels utterly impossible. Co-parenting typically requires flexibility, shared goals, and mutual respect – qualities a narcissistic ex may refuse to engage with, prioritizing control and conflict instead. Carl delves into the traits that define narcissistic behavior in co-parenting situations, explaining how a narcissisti...
We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time. If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner. If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder. Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough. Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt. The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than t...
Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system. The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players. The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain. Facilitators and evaluators make their...
Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic. When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses. That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into an ide...
Carl Knickerbocker discusses the crucial practice of documenting interactions with high-conflict co-parents to identify repetitive patterns. He outlines various methods, from using co-parenting apps and charting behaviors like gaslighting or neglect, to leveraging school data. The ultimate goal is to validate your own experiences, understand that the behavior stems from the co-parent's disorder, and empower yourself to set necessary boundaries for your well-being.
We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent. We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life. Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people.
We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you. Their words and actions are disordered, not personal. From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating. We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, and the t...
Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.
Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple. They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions. The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes. When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life. The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your...
Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real. This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word. Once those spaces have been managed, anything that they...
Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly. That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.
ou are not defined by your divorce experience. Your value as a parent is not determined by a custody schedule. What your ex says and does is not a reflection of your worth. Shared custody does not make you a part time parent or less of a parent. Having a high-conflict ex does not indicate any lack of worth in yourself. Their behaviors often reflect their disorders and not anything personal about you. Your divorce story is not the narrative of your life. At most, it is a few scenes in a chapter a...
We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist. This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.
When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House Often times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics. This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schooling, especially when they are learning remotely. One household lets them fail and the other gets pulled ...
If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context. This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes. And it will come. We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved. Don't be caught off gua...
It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child. Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent. The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling. This episode discusses those situations where the other parent sucks at being a parent, what often lurks behind such behaviors, and what ...
For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex. We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible. We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another. Many people end up misused, exploited, and dropped by their own lawyers. Then add to the mix the court system itself, possibly b...
In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury. When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe. If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection.
Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids. And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too. . . #coparenting #coparentingdoneright #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparentingwitha...
It is okay to teach your kids that they can keep or drop any family traits and practices that they want. There are family habits and values that lead to great life, and there are family habits and traits that may lead the kids away from the type of life they want to create. We try to have frequent conversations with the kids about the types of life experiences they want to have both now and in the future and then have them check in with which traits, behaviors, and values lead them closer to tho...
When we apply Murphy’s Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix. We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when it is clearly inconvenient and impossible and then when the same thing is offered to them at a worka...
We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust. Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others’ feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focused on preserving their own image, avoiding accountability, and avoiding discomfort, even when they ca...
When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents). I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce. Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don’t need to know the detail...
Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens. Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support the ext...
It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational. What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality. Kids do not need to have unchecked emotional expression in order to be healthy. They do not need to have ...
We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever. When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not. Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of sufferi...
I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary. Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation. Here’s what I mean—dad is ultimately responsible for the kids. The one who is ultimately accountable...
There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely. Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us. Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said things we never said. The best way to avoid these problems is to not have verbal conversations in the f...
Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment. If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished. This episode discusses the Doubl...
