When Your Ex Creates A Double Bind Situation

binds. What is a double bind a double bind is a situation. That's basically you're darned if you do, you're darned if you don't, there may be a

communication from your ex. If you respond, you feel punished, because then they have a way to continually get under your skin and break down your boundaries to force you into a situation where they can perpetuate more mistreatment toward you, you are punished if you don't or at least have the fear of being punished if you don't, because now it looks like you're being unresponsive and being a bad co

parent. And God forbid that gets in front of some judge who is more interested in getting to his lunch and actually making some sort of rational decision on your case. That is the double bind it is the catch 22 it's the damned if you do damned if you

don't. So there's an old story, I think it's a Zen story, where a master invites the student in for a cup of tea and the student comes in sits before the master, the master pours a cup of tea puts it in front of the student, and then takes out a big stick and says if you drink the tea, I'm going to hit you with a stick. If you don't drink the tea, I'm going to hit you with a stick and creates this double bind situation for the student.

Now, of course, the student can do all sorts of things they can say, Well, I see the nature of the game is that I'm going to be punished either way no matter what I do. So I can sit here and I can drink the tea and take the hit and at least enjoy my tea. Or I can slap the teacher and at least get one hit. And before I get hit back. Other things would be I could take the stick or the student can get up and walk away in a situation any situation of

a double bind. When you're in it and steeped in the dynamics or fear or concern that the double bind creates, it is sometimes hard to step back and see what your other options are. This is a technique that is commonly used by abusers, those who are physically abusive, verbally emotionally abusive, they will routinely put their victims into a double bind situation because that allows them to have power and control over the victim.

They keep putting the victim in a position where no matter what the victim feels like they lose. And over time, when that technique is successful against the victim, the victim begins taking on a mentality of helplessness. Now, of course, is anyone truly helpless in situations like that? No. But does it sure feel like it? Yeah. And from within that situation, it can feel completely hopeless, that there's really nothing you can do to ever escape from that

situation. But good news is, there are things that you can do. So one, you become aware of what the dynamic is, it's a double bind. It's the if I respond to this nonsense email that is accusing me of doing something I didn't do, then I'm playing into this game, and it's creating so much headache. For me, it's creating so much just stress and anxiety for me, because this person keeps harassing me with all these nonsense emails. That's, by the way, that's what my ex loves to

do. So just make all sorts of stuff up or make up conditions about the kids or makeup situations, then send me notes. And if I write back and disagree and call out the nonsense of it, then I'm a bad parent because I'm thinking that, hey, the kids are healthy and fine, and that doesn't really exist. If I don't respond to the email, then I'm the inattentive parent that doesn't care about the kids, because I'm not responding to the nonsense. Or if I write back and say, Oh, well, okay, yes,

they must be so suffering. And now I'm playing into a false worldview that is now projecting her hypochondria and abuse onto the children. So, all around, it's just quite the mess. So that's the darned if you do.

Darren, if you don't Yeah, if you choose silence, if you choose not to respond, we have fear that the court system is going to get a hold of whatever email exchanges and say, Oh, well, you're being an uncooperative, bad co parent, shame, shame, shame, shame, and then we'll get lectured by the judge or our worst fear is that somehow that plays into a

custody situation. So, first and foremost, you have to see the game for what it is it is a double bind, it is designed to put you in that position, that is what it is supposed to do, once you become aware of that dynamic step back from it, and start really breaking down the elements of what's going on. So one, we can look at what punishment is actually at play. So if the other person is threatening to take us to court, is that really going to be

realistic? Do they really have any kind of snowball's chance in anywhere that it's going to work? Most likely, that's going to be a very, very minor issue that probably won't impact you at all, especially if you can show that it's a pattern of nonsense coming from their side. Other concerns that we have, you know, if I do respond, I'm going to have this emotional response. Well, how do you start getting yourself out of your own emotional response toward the

nonsense from the x? Well, you start viewing it as a game, you realize it actually has nothing to do with you, you realize it has everything to do with them engaging in abusive behavior toward you, you see the game, step back from it and say, Wow, that's actually just a manifestation of their sickness being thrown at me. Another thing to keep in mind, maybe number two, we'll call it is if you're going to be punished.

Either way you go. You're darned if you do, you're darned if you don't, under the rules of whatever game it is, if you're going to be punished no matter what, then do whatever you want. Don't focus on the fear. Because even if you respond from fear, now you're fearful, and you're still going to get punished. Focus on what you really want.

So what is it that you want, you don't want to be part of the game, you don't want to be involved in it at all, you want to be able to take power and control back for yourself, you want to be able to focus on other things, your hobbies, your family, you want to have a good night's sleep, you want to be able to enjoy your meals, you want to be able to step out of the toxic cycles and patterns that your ex continues to try to

drag yourself into. So define what you want really sit down and say, Alright, what do I want? I know that either way this game plays out there is that illusion of punishment? And so what do I choose to do? What do I want my experiences to be?

And really clearly define, I want to have, you know, good night's sleep, I want to be able to see text from my ex and not feel like I have to respond to it at all, I want to see a note from my ex about the kids and just not care about it one bit and have no emotional response to it whatsoever. clearly define those experiences that you do want to have because again, under their game structure, you're screwed either way you go. So you might as well define what you want to do.

After you define what you want to do, always ask yourself, How do I take a few little steps closer to this? How do I start having a little better experience with this person's behavior? How do I start stepping out of this, and some solutions might start coming out. So you might say, you know what, I really want silence, I want to be able to look at their text and just not respond at all

and feel okay with that. And then you look at the likelihood of getting any kind of legitimate punishment on you from the court and determined that that's incredibly, incredibly, incredibly low, what judge is going to be punishing you because you didn't respond to some nonsense texts or messages from your ex when everything else you're doing is

impeccable. So you just decide, you know what, I'm just not going to play the game anymore, and you just stop responding cold turkey, you just absolutely put in a rule that says I'm not going to respond to these at

all. Or maybe you define it, maybe you send one last note and say, Hey, it seems like or it appears to me that I keep getting these messages that are like this, that placed me in a double bind, where if I respond, that is me dropping my boundaries and communicating with you in ways that I don't think are appropriate. And then I know if I don't respond to these texts you intend or think you can use them as evidence against me. So what I'm going to do from now on is I am not going

to respond to any of these. Just You know, these are my rules, then you put it in writing. And anytime they try to bring it up in court, guess what's going to be right in the mix of all the other communications, you spelling out your standards and your boundaries, saying that you're not going to play the game. And then once you say that, once you state that stick to it, that's your boundary, you enforce it, you keep that, and you do not back off of it at all. That is one great solution.

Another great solution might be you just routinely call out their game anytime they send notes. So this is something I did with my ex. And it did work very well, where she would send these nonsense texts or nonsense emails and communications about the kids and whatever's going on and just lying about all sorts of stuff. And I would just write back, no, that's all I would write, or I'd say, not gonna play this game. Or I'd say, No, thank you not going to do this.

And just leave it at that. And then over time, that just establishes the pattern of the game, there's the invitation to the game, and then I decline that invitation just by saying, No, no, thanks. Not gonna do it. And then leave it at that. That can be very effective, too. So if you're sitting at, you know, the Masters table, and not to insinuate that they are a master of anything, but if you're sitting there and it's you know, darned if you do darned if you don't, if you answer the text,

you're going to get whacked. If you don't answer the text, do you think you're going to get whacked? So come up with something else? Just say, No thanks. And walk away. Or just decide, you know what, I'm going to use my own counter responses, like saying, No, thank you, I'm not going to play this. Or you. I mean, some people have success by being slightly sarcastic in their responses and saying, gee, wonder what you're up to this time, and throw it back over on

the other side. Knowing that anything that they say in response, that's going to be part of the record. So if they want to try to call you out down the road in front of a judge or anyone else, guess what, you're already spelling out your argument on why it's a double bind, and why you're not playing

it. So one of the best things you can do, don't get into some kind of big drawn out argument over the double binds themselves or try to teach them about double binds or try to explain to them why they are abusers. And using a double bind, don't get into any of that nonsense at all, it will not work on these people. All you're doing is wasting your time. You know that that's what they're doing. If you see that you have the darned if you do darned if you don't sort of dynamic and you're

feeling helpless. If you're feeling resentful, or rageful, toward whatever they're sending you, you're in a double bind, you know that that's what it is. So look for those creative solutions to step out of the game itself. If you know that you've done nothing wrong, then you're good. And so that brings me to the final point. And something you hear me talk about very, very often through all of these concepts is the importance of you being impeccable in what you

do. So if you don't want to be the victim of their games, do not play any games yourself. And then when you are with the kids and your parenting and everything else you're doing in life, strive to be impeccable. Make sure your word is always your word, make sure your

behavior is really upright. And whatever you're doing, do not give them any information, do not give them any ammunition, don't give them any, anything that they can use against you based on your poor behavior choices, or you're in consistencies, your failure to keep your word your anything else, you go to that higher level, you define what high standard you want to live to. And then you live that

impeccably. And so when they come at you with a double bind game, and you say, you know what my choice is I'm just going to walk away from the game completely because I see this as the game being played. I call it out as a double bind. I know it has nothing to do with me. I'm not even going to respond to it. I'm going to go eat a cookie or I'm going to go for a run, I'm going to go do something else and focus on better life. If you are living impeccably through

all that period as well. Nobody has anything to hold against you. What are they going to do? They're going to say, oh, here's this impeccable, solid person who's not responding to this. And if you're concerned about having to you know, ever ever rarely be called on the carpet later on to explain why you did not respond to this particular email Miss so and so or Whatever nonsense these family attorneys

do, keep yourself some notes. On any time you don't respond to one of these texts, just write down, just keep a little bullet point, you know, hey, this note, this was a double bind game. This is the truth of the

situation. So if you have an allegation that you didn't give the kids their medicine, or you didn't do this, or you didn't send them with coats, or you didn't do whatever, or accusations that you said things to the kids that you never said at all, just write down Oh, I was accused of this, this never happened. I was accused of saying X, Y and Z. That did not happen. This is actually what was said. And you put that in your book, and you keep that to yourself, and then you just

ignore everything else. The truth, if the truth does come out will be that you are impeccable in what you do for the kids, you are impeccable in what you say to and around the kids. You're not engaging in any of the behaviors that you are being accused of. And so the actual evidence will support

your version of the story. And then the other person who's just making stuff up and thinking that if they think it and imagine it and write it down, that somehow that creates evidence, well just let them go and act the fool and look the fool. That is what a lawyer can handle or should handle if they're worth what you're paying them. The importance is you getting yourself out of the game

for your own peace of mind. So anyways, that is a double bind, you do not have to get hit with a stick, you can if you choose to. So you might say you know what, I'll go ahead and you know, fire off some counter response for my own satisfaction and take the hit from it fine. If that's what you want to do. Make it your choice, your

conscious choice to do so. Or if you say you know what, I'm just gonna walk away from the situation and not engage in it fine, make that your conscious, consistent decision to always do so. Or if you want to call out the game. If you want to name a boundary name, the specific boundary of ice the game being played out, and I'm not going to

play this game anymore. Any further communications like this will be met with silence if it is something that I deem that I have to respond to, I will if I don't think I have to, I won't the end and then live by that standard. And again, going back to it is always worth repeating. Always make sure you're living in that impeccable way. So double binds, they suck when you're in when you're in them. They can feel helpless and disempowering while you are in them. But guess what? It's a

game. You can recognize the game. You can write your own rules. You can choose your own outcomes, you can focus on the things that you want, and you can find ways to shift power and control completely back to yourself. Let them go play their own game. Fine, go have fun, take your ball, go play. I don't care. I'm going over here to

play something else. That is a perfectly fine attitude you can have with these people step out of the abusive dynamic step out of the power and control dynamic that they are trying to create with you.