New week new president. Rock tumbler update. We talk about the pitch experiment and corpse flowers, even though we know no facts about either one. How many people die on donkey Grand Canyon tours every year? Taking Max to the beach results in classic stinker behavior. Seventies movies and the drive-in. Mary admits she was wrong! Jeopardy edition. What weird things are we missing these days? Thrift stores, Costco Samples, fancy parties. Fred Meyer Update: They do have some malt liquor in stock. D...
Jan 25, 2021•1 hr 1 min
YOU GET A BONUS EP THIS WEEK! Recorded 1/8/21. Enjoy! Another weird week in our country (this was the coup week, guys). Is Trump similar to Jerry Jones, age 78? Bill has bad TMJ pain, and his soft food diet has him craving weird stuff. Mary’s stair update: 12. Kelley’s elevator was down, so she has a stair update too, and lots of rambling regarding elevators and new furniture. Bill has a Nextdoor update. We talk about Quantum Leap, and who would’ve guessed Kelley doesn’t like the show but listen...
Jan 23, 2021•1 hr 6 min
We remember our late Great Aunt Mary Carroll. (Nate Bargatze Joke break.) Bill found an old man hobby: rock tumbling! Mary disparages beards. Mary received a mystery gift in the mail. Windstorm in Seattle. Bill’s neighbors with Ned Flanders. Mary and Kelley share some recipes. We get a good stair update! Bill has an old man Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Steam Mops. Mary wants to talk about commercials, and Bill thinks she’d like Star Trek The Next Generation. What are the poor barflies doing righ...
Jan 18, 2021•1 hr 8 min
Well, to top of a pretty shitty week, Kelley did something monumentally stupid and lost the podcast file this week! The originals still exist, so don't despair, you'll hear it one day when Kelley can stand to re-do all the work. So that you don't worry too much, we're re-releasing this classic from one year ago. If you're sad there isn't a new Ep, tell one friend about our show, and we'll see you next week. Umpire Pants Out!
Jan 11, 2021•1 hr 8 min
Skiing and scuba diving in the PNW. New Year’s Eve in Seattle. Mary is doing Dry January, and she already regrets it (and we recorded in December). Stair update. Mary had to take Simon to the vet (WARNING: we make distressed cat noises here!). We talk about eggs for awhile. Mary still argues it’s no big deal to drink while driving. I seem to have spaced out taking notes, once again…Kelley has that pumpkin update you’ve all been waiting for! Kelley’s Hint List! Use alcohol to clean. Cut potatoes ...
Jan 04, 2021•59 min
The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in the Seattle Times! Improperly fitted masks in the NFL. Which side is your appendix on, Bill?! What ab...
Dec 28, 2020•1 hr 2 min
Well, Kelley sounds like shit in the first half, sorry about that. But Sherrie is here! We try to explain why we are more than just neighbors and friends. We hear what it’s like to have little kids during the pandemic. Stair update from Mary. We bet on how old camels live for some reason. Can we talk Sherrie into buying a Santa Toilet seat cover? The important thing is that we talk about Toilet Santa, once again. Driving around to look at Christmas lights. We remember the classic Bellevue Square...
Dec 20, 2020•1 hr 2 min
and some other follow-ups. If Bill could time travel he’d take Mountain Dew back in time. Toilet Santa update. Shit List of the Week: Toilet Santas. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Black Santas. An Arlo Guthrie update and Woodstock talk. We try to help Mary turn the sound down on her cell phone, to great results. Rant and Rave’s from the Seattle Times. Mary claims the dog doesn’t die in Marley and Me, and she’s seen it! Recipes from First Grader’s return! Kelley forgets to read the intro to Kelley’...
Dec 14, 2020•1 hr 5 min
Mary reveals some legends she’s seen in concert but never mentioned to us before. We have that Towering Inferno update you’ve been waiting for. Mary watched Diehard. Mary thinks we need a vaccine heist movie. Sammy Davis Junior comes up twice today. Mary has a short person hack for everyone, and Kelley disappears. Mary has a story about good Samaritans working together in Seattle. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Folks maintaining Little Food Pantries. We talk about Christmas decorations and try to ...
Dec 07, 2020•1 hr 5 min
How did Thanksgiving go? Well, Max got a special dinner! Mary is into the show Longmire. Bill had his traditional Black Friday movie fest. It’s Christmas now, and more people are getting real trees. Should Mary annoy people with her cowbell to promote Umpire Pants? Bringing pig guts to the legislature in Taiwan. Trumps tiny desk photo has us all questioning reality. A brief update on Jeopardy! Stair update from Mary. Homemade and modified tools. Raccoons in your house. Mary uses shoes as hammers...
Nov 30, 2020•56 min
Noice! We’re doing a Thanksgiving Ep and cousins Christy and Danielle are back! We talk about Thanksgiving food and memories. Alice’s Restaurant. Fruitcake. What are we all making this year? And where do rolls come into play for everyone? The joy of leftovers. The origin of chocolate pie becoming a holiday tradition for us. Peak fruit salad. Our ongoing quest to get our dad to try weed again. We get a stair update, pushup update, and stair update. Juniper sent in some sayings to talk about – Get...
Nov 23, 2020•1 hr 22 min
Bill starts the show with a hypothetical about quarterback Russell Wilson, and Kelley is shocked to learn English muffins are in two places at their local grocery stores. Giving medicine to a cat vs. a dog. Mary is not afraid of germs. We talk about the election some more, but not too much. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The TV show Greenleaf. PSA – Please don’t travel for Thanksgiving, guys! Mary gives a stair update, in maybe the most concise way ever. Our stories of pedestrian-rage. Do...
Nov 16, 2020•1 hr 1 min
We recorded this on Friday, before the election was called, and it was a long fuckin’ week, guys. We try to keep the election talk brief. We talk about what we did for Halloween. Bill recommends Inside Man, the heist movie, and discusses Shaun of the Dead, and Hocus Pocus. We get another stair update from Mary. Mary renames Bill. For some reason she can’t explain, Mary watched Hubie Halloween. Mary is back with a comparison between her banana cake recipe and regular banana bread. Mary is mad abo...
Nov 09, 2020•1 hr 2 min
Alright, guys, if you haven’t voted yet you know you have to drop your ballot at a dropbox, right? Do that, then you can listen to our anxiety filled pre-election episode, okay? Mary watched the Borat movie. Sorry for the Halloween talk after Halloween, but Bill wants to warn you about edibles. Shawn Kemp opened a weed store in Seattle. Bill declares: Gumby Rules! Bill is still trying to turn this into a Taxi podcast. Kelley’s going to tackle a Pectin candy recipe, if she can figure it out. Mary...
Nov 02, 2020•1 hr 7 min
Bill is sick, so Kelley and Mary are doing a short boy. Do people like Trump’s dancing? We got our flu shots and that leads to Gumby talk. Turns out Mary really hates Gumby. Kelley was impressed with the Covid test process in Seattle. Last week’s story about Mary’s fridge reminded us we need fire extinguishers. Mary has a stair update. Kelley names all of her houseplants and accepts a challenge from Mary. Kelley comes back from the break with her Friday Edible in full effect. Mary doesn’t like q...
Oct 26, 2020•42 min
Mary has written 300 letters and is weirdly pissed that we’re not more congratulatory. Car battery update. We get pretty local talking Sasquatch and the Wheedle. Mary had a frightening event last week, but she recovered with some banana cake. Stair update: Mary figured out how to set an alarm. Bill tells a story about Mary’s problem solving skills, and our family’s history with shitty cars. Kelley shares a new recipe she made up, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly for one listener. Shit List of th...
Oct 19, 2020•1 hr 8 min
This one’s a shit-show from start to finish, and we apologize, but it’s been a long week, guys. Mary’s audio improves after the second half. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kelley saw a baby mouse. What does Mary DO all day? Who is eating on mic?!? Errant text messages. Mary had some juniper flavored poison. We make future plans for Madlibs and Kelley explains an adverb. You can teach cats things. Stair update. We read some recipes from first graders. Mary recommends a movie. Bill has to leave so w...
Oct 12, 2020•52 min
Trump has Covid-19 and we’re not gonna lie, we think it’s funny as fuck. But don’t forget Melania was just on tape saying Fuck Christmas, and that got us to speculate what she considers hard work. Bill is destroying a piano. Max Update: Good Boy. Shout-out to the Seattle Storm. Football without crowds. Tune in to a future episode for the exciting conclusion of Bill’s New Mouth-guard and Mary’s New Pillow! Stair Update. What did Mary want the drugstore employee to say, that would make her less gr...
Oct 05, 2020•1 hr 3 min
Bill is living the shed life, falling down and hanging out with raccoons. Calm your tits on MSG. Mary has a game-changer for your granola. Mary called the prayer line! America’s fucked up medical system. We get a very confusing stair update from Mary. Commercials these days are very home-oriented. We have a quick fast food burger chat. We’re doing a White Men Can’t Jump podcast, guys. Bill’s continuing the “sayings we didn’t understand” segment. Our dad is trying teach the cat to wink. We read s...
Sep 28, 2020•1 hr 2 min
The smoke has finally cleared in Seattle and Bill watched Top Gun. Tom Cruz talk. We have an update on the sandwich board across the street that we didn’t understand. Shit List of the Week: Foot injuries and Ken Jennings. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Watermelon and Milk Popsicles and using herbs with fruit pies. Herman’s back for his final appearance of A Question for Mary and we follow up on idioms. Recipes from first graders. Mary brings a whack hint from Reader’s Digest. Kelley’s Hint List! C...
Sep 21, 2020•1 hr 10 min
Wildfire smoke has engulfed the entire west coast. Vegas and Disneyworld. We speculate on train brakes instead of looking it up. Mary apologizes to all and sundry. We ponder the meaning of a sandwich board at a restaurant. Bill sees some ridiculous Next Door meddling. Bill has a follow up on the round bank window. We talk about old cars and wrecks. (Herman’s) Question for Mary! Herman asks Mary to bring some confusing clichés or idioms next week. Send in your own! We read from a first grader rec...
Sep 14, 2020•58 min
Bill’s plan for sleeping on the podcast shed floor and pets waking you up. School has started online, and everyone’s figuring it out still, but we can all agree the federal response sucks. A mysterious round window in Redmond. Rocks that spark when you rub them together. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Defaced Trump/Pence signs. Herman’s back! And he has a two-part question for Mary. We read some recipes written by first graders. Reminiscing about NW Hardware Chain Ernst, once again. Kelley’s Hint ...
Sep 07, 2020•1 hr 8 min
Mary starts off hot by hanging up on the recording. Bill brags about seeing the Ramones. Mary reiterates her hate of Heart. Should we adopt a highway? And is Less Piss More Jugs a good slogan? Follow up on the fake lox cream cheese. Kelley shares a book her second grade class made. Ice Cream Trucks of the Week: Bambi, Mango Pizza and Pickles. The Slow and Low Boys. We read some recipes written by first graders. Kelley’s Hint List! Use salt on rugs before you vacuum. How to remove ice cream stain...
Aug 31, 2020•57 min
My computer installed updates and restarted last night, and I lost all my work, so enjoy this minimally edited edition of Umpire Pants! Is Mary ending the show today? Mary takes issue with her recording nickname but can’t explain why. Bill’s watching old shows. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Corny Local TV Stuff. Local radio and fake bits. Mary was happy with the DNC. Bill’s washing machine has an error code, and the internet is not helping him figure it out. Email us if you want a picture of Bill...
Aug 24, 2020•1 hr 4 min
We’re a Sammy Hagar podcast now. Mary’s working on a new craft project since she can’t go to bars this winter. Mary’s vegan cream cheese problem – it’s the Shit List of the Week! An onion recall leads us to a great onion scam. Seatbelt laws and wearing a seatbelt vs. getting “thrown clear” from your car. Herman’s back to ask Mary a question – can she beat the clock? We enter into a very confusing bet. Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning vases. Remove fish odors from utensils. Fixes for common door prob...
Aug 17, 2020•59 min
Bill went camping, and got fancy with his campfire cooking. Bill floats a camping hotdog contest at midnight. Mary started off grumpy, can we cheer her up? Mary’s Sierra Club letter campaign gaff. We’re quitting Facebook again. Mary tries to say Okefenokee swamp. Kids rhymes and how they spread across the nation. We talk Rumpelstiltskin and Fairytale Theater (Kelley was wrong about the moral part). Stair update from Mary. Kelley’s spider story and craft project. Mary’s anti-tip for Eucalyptus Oi...
Aug 10, 2020•1 hr 3 min
We start out hot with politics talk, but it doesn’t last long. Mary was featured in an email newsletter! Shout out to TBTL. This is an eggs Benedict podcast now. Are we doing a Jaws Podcast Podcast, or what? Mary’s stair update. What can you use old cooking oil for? Kelley bought a weird dress. Flour sacks and drywall designs. Mary was in a focus group. Herman joins us for a new segment! (Henny Youngman joke.) Kelley’s Hint List! Adjust your vacuum hoses frequently. Refrigerator maintenance tips...
Aug 03, 2020•1 hr
Sorry for the late upload this week, guys! It’s just Mary and Bill to start the show. Mary’s volunteer Zoom call has her worked up. (I leave the typing in because it’s so cartoonish.) Mary’s brunch recipe. Indoor dining and going to the dentist during COVID-19. The Seattle Metropolitans won during the Spanish Flue pandemic. Kelley joins just in time for hockey talk. We welcome the Kraken to Seattle, and declare ourselves immediate fans. We recommend Dorktown on Youtube if you want to learn about...
Jul 27, 2020•1 hr 9 min
Cousin Danielle is here! Happy Birthday to our dad. It’s Episode 151 so we share our 151 Rum stories. Bill finally saw a bear. Outdoor movies during COVID-19. Bill’s a camping dirt-bag, but is he a thief? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kanye dropped out, and Kelley has a new ice cream cone treat. (Woah, I forgot to take notes for awhile!) We ask our guest some questions! We use the same ones as last week, and Mary’s is still confusing. Kelley’s Hint List! How to freshen up suede. Dipping your flow...
Jul 20, 2020•1 hr 14 min
Cousin Christy is back! Bill’s camping. Cast iron talk. Kelley’s awkward elevator exchange leads to a stair challenge. We get into some ear hair talk, and Mary loves it! Rapid spread of conspiracies these days. Are we into Martha Stewart? Kelley has a great idea for Mary’s Sierra Club letters she’s writing. Shitlist of the Week: Kanye running for president. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good kids doing good stuff and a garden that’s finally producing fruits of labor. Lose a job get a pie in our f...
Jul 13, 2020•1 hr 2 min
