Our cousin Christy is here! Bill has a dump follow-up. Mary has been married 50 Years!!! Tune in for her marriage tips! We fantasize about a huge post-pandemic party. Kelley’s unsafe walk story. Mary’s insurance company wants to come assess her and she’s fuming. We ask our guest some pre-written questions: Favorite Golden Girl? What one food would you eat for a month straight? What was the last pre-pandemic thing you did? Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your scissors with your fingers. Remove leaves fro...
Jul 06, 2020•54 min
We try to force an episode title. Insane Clown Posse talk returns. Portable music players and tapes. We’re watching Problem Child 2 as a family. We have nothing to talk about because we’re still not doing anything. Wear your god damn masks! Bill is going to learn to do a cartwheel. We declare ships in bottles to be “stupid.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Indomie Ramen. Creepy comedians. Mary has a list of food she doesn’t like. Shit List of the Week: Chuck Mangione’s Feels So Good. More Jello tal...
Jun 29, 2020•1 hr 4 min
It’s Party Time. Kelley set off a fire alarm? Father’s Day. Living in weird times. Shou-tout to ICP and Guy Fieri. We, as a nation, should have an extended holiday break in the summer. Reality TV. We’re taking submissions for guests! Email us if you’d like to call in. Kelley’s banking adventures. Mary has random words pop into her head. Jello-Cupcakes. Fast food prices. Mary’s weird food and fork stuff result in a great sound bite. Weightlifting and steroids. Kelley’s Hint List! Repairing your h...
Jun 22, 2020•1 hr 1 min
Kelley’s cupcake debacle starts the show late and throws off Bill’s intro. Follow-up file: The fire alarm last week was beeping every 30 seconds, for the record. Songs featuring our names (Bill wins this round). Mary watches Mad Dogs now and recommends Trumbo. Bill recommends Top of the Lake and teases Starship Troopers. Describing directions in a confusing way. Are your sheets in style? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffins. Pizza talk. Minor technical difficulties. Ice Cream Truck of th...
Jun 15, 2020•59 min
Bill poops at parks? Bill cuts out again. Bill watched some good Studio Ghibli movies for Felix’s birthday. Some food updates and Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Oatmeal. Mary is drinking golden crisp carbs. More movie recaps. Bill watched Taxi and we agree we love Tony Danza. Mary has a new list of things she doesn’t want to hear us say anymore. Mary gets dangerously close to talking shit about Oprah. Shout-out to everyone protesting the last two weeks! (Break song inspired by pro...
Jun 08, 2020•1 hr 25 min
Bill has a very squeaky chair today, and there is some major background noise, sorry. Is Bill turning into Mary? He drinks beer out of glasses now and skips meals. Kelley and Mary donated blood and Mary has gripes. Food updates. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Jalapeno Popper Bites. Mary tries to raise her digital hand to talk, and it doesn’t go well. Flatheads are called Jones Heads now. Bill’s fan repair update. Mary can’t believe we don’t send people to space anymore. Industrial composting. Bill...
Jun 01, 2020•1 hr 17 min
Max’s vet adventure. Kelley’s hair cut. Bill drops off for a minute and I don’t edit it out (turns out his recording didn’t cut out, so it’s chaotic for a second). Mary talks commercials. Email from our dad! Mary had a cinnamon roll challenge bake-off. Are we ever going back to offices, and will this be the end of “open concept” layouts? Bill watched an episode of Man About the House (the original British version of Three’s Company). Bill recommends JJ Cale’s music (played at the break). Ice Cre...
May 25, 2020•1 hr 16 min
Cats on laps. Follow ups from last week. Enduring pop culture. Working from home attire. Mary’s “Rear Window” situation. Names and nicknames. Three’s Company update. RIP Fred Willard. TV shows from 1977 – Were any of them good? Bill is scared of The Incredible Hulk. Hot Ones (wing show). Food updates (and injury updates). (CORRETION CORNER: I said we add peas and carrots to our Curry Tofu, we add peas and potatoes – Kelley). Too much ginger. Free meat. Mary meditates to Who Got the Hooch. Vera f...
May 18, 2020•1 hr 15 min
Wiz Kid William is here with his sister and mom! Kelley bought some Garbage Pail Kids for some reason, so we talk about Cabbage Patch Kids. Puzzles are hard to get right now. Shows that make you feel bad but you watched anyway: Garbage Pail Kids the movie and Inspector Gadget. People driving like maniacs right now. Mary tries Beat You to the Punchline! Mary has car-blindness. New country. What’s inside your butthole? Mary doesn’t want to know. Rhoda. Writing to politicians. Fat guy, giant top ha...
May 11, 2020•1 hr 15 min
Bill’s hanging out with eagles and inviting pandas over. Eating at Sizzler. Cleaning your ficus. Wild children in the neighborhood growing up. Weed candy and regular candy. The Golden Girls and other things to watch. Working Hands lotion. Some major Glover confusion. How are we holding up during lock-down? Giving pets medicine. Bill made a table. Things we saw out the window. Mary burned rice. Home videos. Dazed and Confused. Mary doesn’t like music. Three’s Company vs. Man About the House (the ...
May 04, 2020•1 hr 10 min
Nard Jones and the gang are back! Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Doing stretches. Bill invented a hotdog bed. Remember to start your cars if you’re not driving right now. Bill can’t buy tabs for his vehicles. What are we all eating? Virginia VPN update. Mary talks shit about Corgis. Geese are scary. Break for a very confusing bit by Kelley. Push-up update. Bill’s into senior body builders. Open containers and weed in public. Rants and Raves. Comic strips. Having kids when you’re Tony Randall’s age...
Apr 27, 2020•1 hr 9 min
Happy 420 Monday, everyone! We’re here remotely again and I did a bad job taking notes, but here goes… Corona virus and politics. Our new cocaine smuggling plan and weed documentary. Watch McMillions. Mary tries to tell us about an NPR story, but it doesn’t go well. Shopping and walking around in masks. Furbaby shirts for mother’s day. What will Mary cut corners on in the kitchen? Grating cheese. RIP Kenny Rogers. Kelley’s Hint List! Patent leather repeat. Use bluing flakes right in your washer....
Apr 20, 2020•1 hr 3 min
We’ve got a long boy for you this week. Mr. T Ate My Balls. We get back in to Dave Barry talk, once again. Sorry, we’re a Dave Barry podcast now. Taint talk. Bill’s cat was making a bean bag nest under the stairs. Spiders in the kitchen and bathroom. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Birds singing in the City. Kelley and Mary did some baking. Rough start back from the break. Handwashing and long fingernails. Bill and Mary actually argue about Umpire Pants. Beat You to the Punchline! Mary’s bent about...
Apr 13, 2020•1 hr 9 min
The gang’s back together! But remotely, so of course we have to apologize for our audio. We’ll work on our mics before next week. Happy Birthday Bill! Bill’s family got a dog named Max. Bill claims he’s growing a beard. Making face masks at home. Supply chains, and shopping during a pandemic. Garbage and litter. Kelley’s too fragile to watch Tiger King. Movie talk – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Back to the Future III. Kelley moved away from her terrible neighbor but is still taking revenge sugge...
Apr 06, 2020•58 min
We’re all socially distancing like good boys and girls, so this week Kelley forces her husband Herman to join the show. We moved to a new apartment with a lot more action out the windows. Shout out to Governer Inslee for doing a good job. We talk about Mary being nuts during our Stay at Home Order. Electric Youth perfume. An episode of Chopped lead to a disturbing search result (BTW, I meant Etsy, not Pinterest during this topic). Kelley’s Hint List! Removing water stains from silk. Keeping pate...
Mar 30, 2020•35 min
Kelley is moving and Bill is socially distancing like a good boy, so we aren’t recording a new one this week. We didn’t want to leave you high and dry during this difficult time, though, so we’re giving you a new clip show! Please share with your friends who haven’t listened yet, but keep in mind, Kelley put it together, so course it’s full of dick jokes. We hope it brings you a pleasant break and that everyone is holding up okay! XOXO – Mary, Bill & Kelley
Mar 23, 2020•36 min
Ya’ll ready for Ernst? We recorded this a week ago, so our Corona Virus takes might be very wrong. We need to take a tone deaf test for Mary. Bone Apple Tea situations. Tea Baggin’ (Mary’s favorite segment that she named). Saturday Night Live best cast members. Is everyone capable of murder? How long can Mary keep up a cheerful podcast. Close Encounters, Jurassic Park, and Jaws should all be revisited. Mary and Herman know the weirdest movies. Bill’s Toyota is for sale. Twinkie cereal. Mochi don...
Mar 16, 2020•1 hr 5 min
We’re making this podcast a conference call. Bill suggests Cocaine Blues over New Cut Road. The Corona Virus. Three Stooges Style slapping. Seasoning cast iron. A focus group wants to know who Mary would have dinner with, alive or dead. Arby’s talk. Kelley emailed her local politicians. Meeting up with friends without cell phones. Dudley P. Nut vs. Chester P. Nut. Mary needs a witch’s cauldron. Bad jokes. Shit List of the Week: Driving your Lambo too slow. Mary gave strangers directions. Ice Cre...
Mar 09, 2020•1 hr 6 min
Bill’s not here today so we’re doing a shorty. The Seattle Monorail. Fire alarms and getting stuck in elevators. Corona Virus and hand washing. New segment alert! Introducing Tea Bagging (Mary named it). Kelley’s springy walk downtown. Mary’s graffiti solution. Mary’s going to lift weights so she can cook. Non-stick cookware and cast iron. Kelley’s Hint List! Fixing scuffed shoes. Paint faded rugs. Removing road oil or axel grease. Use a cold wet rag for waxing floors. Have an expert inspect roo...
Mar 02, 2020•47 min
Lunchtimes. Lily is here. Bill forgot his catchphrase last week. We talk Rant and Raves from the Seattle Times. Dog-earring pages. Damaging books. Defrosting fridges. We're selling our liberal tears now. Dry skin and lotion. Mary gets grossed out by ear wax, but her earbuds are gross. Things get gross as we talk about grossing each other out. Herman made us cookies using Chic-O-Sticks. We're getting family tattoos of Chester P. Nut. Mr. Peanut and Tide. School parking lot craziness. Another glit...
Feb 24, 2020•1 hr 5 min
Van Morrison vs. Van Halen. Superbowl Halftime. Arnold Palmers. Mary tries to buy a Real Change. Old movies. Doughboys Podcast update. Click-bait websites. We should force old male comics into retirement. Bill has a Ned Flanders neighbor. Kelley’s elevator issues. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffin Pizzas. [I had to cut out a few seconds coming back from the break, there was a weird glitch there.] Bill recaps some Carnac jokes from Johnny Carson. Mary gets mad when we suggest she has an...
Feb 17, 2020•1 hr 6 min
Bill and Kelley are going to see the Doughboys. Ezelle’s Chicken. KFC. Getting kicked out of diners and fender benders. Kelley’s not a gravy gal. Adding rosemary to berries is great, guys. Mary’s claiming we’re doing the waffle challenge still. Local flooding and dumb rich people. Nextdoor. Singing in the Rain. The downtown waterfront smells like farts right now. Kelley has a blazer update. Jumpsuits and catalogs. Kelley’s comfy clothing quest. Thrift store shopping. Kelley spills a drink mid-sh...
Feb 10, 2020•1 hr 6 min
We're calling 2020 Score Score now. High fevers. Legalizing drugs. Seattle got rid of library fines. Mary's pissed she had to change her Netflix password. Kelley's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Mary thinks locking her door is hard. Smoke alarms and vent hoods. Mary's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Old dude carefully curating his grapes at the grocery store. Shout out to the striking medical workers in Seattle – and don't cross picket lines! Three-packs of porno mags. Bad ...
Feb 03, 2020•1 hr 5 min
Please read the warning at the end before finishing this episode. Throat noises and George Carlin. Mary is high again. Richard Pryor and old comedy. Airplane food and snacks. Wearing shoes indoors. Wearing sweatpants instead of jeans, to be fancy. The pains of wearing glasses and why Google sucks now. American health insurance. Tooth repairs and getting faint. Seattle Times segment – Rant and Rave and Comments Section. Bill's embarrassing yoga story (it's NOT farts, guys). W.C. Fields movies. Th...
Jan 27, 2020•1 hr 5 min
Bill’s back! Fruitcake update: Kelley was right. Cheap bulk candy. Old Redmond. Porn theaters and mags. Snow in the PNW. Mary hates goats and likes dogs in shoes. Bad Plastic Packaging Segment: Putting your bag of carrots in a bag and legal weed packaging. Mary’s going to start asking people “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Hack jokes. Bad TV. We’re Turtle Penis now. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Bobby Flay whips his egg whites for waffles. Low-rise jeans suck...
Jan 20, 2020•1 hr 1 min
This track didn't change, I just fixed the title! It's a Kelley & Mary show! And the show notes did not make it with onto my thumb drive for uploading the show. We talked about couches, balls, the royal family, and some other stuff, then ended the show with Kelley's Hint List. Umpire Pants Out!
Jan 13, 2020•49 min
It’s our Taking of the Pelham 123 episode. Was Walter Matthau ever hot? (Today’s show pic.) Everyone listen to Hoyt Axton. Kelley’s couch problem. Mary has a coughing fit and her children aren’t very sympathetic. Ikea shopping. Hotdogs vs. wieners. Grizzly Adams was a real guy, you guys. Dave Barry, again. Pictionary challenge. LED lights and starting seeds. Beat You to the Punchline. Kelley’s Hint List! Rotate your floor coverings. Bill tried vacuuming his rugs diagonally, and it went ok! Georg...
Jan 06, 2020•1 hr 8 min
Bill ruins the illusion about our recording time. Napping habits. Bad plastic packaging of the week. Recycling. Mary’s Costco story. The softer side of Sears campaign. Mary’s trying to pretend she’s not high. Mary lays down some ranching rules and guidelines. We read a good Seattle Times comment. Kelley passes on a very gross story. Horror movies. Bill loves CHiPs, Kelley loves Banacek, and Mary thinks she loves Miami Vice. Chaperoning the Ski Bus. Kelley’s Hint List! Make your own cleaner for p...
Dec 30, 2019•1 hr 5 min
It’s a rainy one here in Seattle, folks! Mary had a bad attitude about a free hotel stay. Bad plastic packaging. We name our future banana tarantula. We have an email from the other side of the waffle/egg white aisle, and now we have to have a waffle-off. Mary breaks down her non-love of pitbull. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Winter Solstice – Days are getting longer. Classic country. Bill’s got a great Nextdoor message to read. Shock talk. Beat You to the Punchline! Using English muffins as a ha...
Dec 23, 2019•1 hr 5 min
We’re off to a rough start. Mary’s love of AM/PM hamburgers. The Mariners should do Hibachi Night to boost attendance. Mary still hates Saturday Night Live. Everyone listen to Til Death do us Blart. We need to watch Judge Dread. Our family does not know The Muffin Man. Pitbull talk. Radio commercials are still terrible. Mary is trying to claim she hasn’t seen The Grinch who Stole Christmas before. Tires and tire stores. Pinesol and Listerine cure all. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing indelible penci...
Dec 16, 2019•1 hr 6 min
