9 traits love
Transcript00:00:02 Dan
Well, hello and welcome back to the trim The Wick podcast. How you doing?
00:00:06 Becky
Good to be back with you guys again. So Are you ready for the big reveal?
00:00:10 Dan
Yes, I think I think we've kept everyone in suspension, you know suspension.
00:00:14 Becky
In.
00:00:16 Dan
Yes, I think we've.
00:00:17 Dan
Kept everyone in suspense long enough.
00:00:19 Becky
OK, so we promised you a better title, right than the 9 somethings of something.
00:00:22
Yes.
00:00:24 Dan
Yes. So this week and in the future weeks to come in the next couple weeks to come, we are going to be talking about the 9 traits to cultivate. We're going to talk about the 9 traits to.
00:00:37 Dan
For a few.
00:00:39 Dan
I can't say it grateful. Fruitful. Fruitful.
00:00:43
We're going to.
00:00:44 Dan
Talk about the 9 traits to cultivate for a fruitful marriage.
00:00:48 Becky
Beautiful.
00:00:49 Dan
There we.
00:00:50 Dan
So we are excited to be with you guys again this week and we wanted to let you know that we kind of took it.
00:00:55 Dan
On the road.
00:00:56 Dan
This week and we thought, you know what? Let's pack everything up and go outside and sit out in the beautiful air.
00:01:03 Dan
And just enjoy the day while we're doing the podcast. Yeah, I know. It's just gorgeous, but we're at a park, so you're probably going to hear some kids playing in the background and cars going.
00:01:06 Becky
75° and sun shining.
00:01:15 Dan
By and just so you know, we're we're just out here having a beautiful, beautiful Florida Spring day. So we wanted to kind of get pass that along to you. So we were talking and I was doing some scripture reading and I started realizing as I was reading.
00:01:35 Dan
The passage on the fruit of the spirit.
00:01:38 Dan
And it's a passage that everyone knows. I think. Becky, do you?
00:01:42 Dan
Wanna highlight that for?
00:01:43 Becky
Us. Sure. We're in Galatians 5, and we're gonna start in verse 22, it says. But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.
00:01:58 Becky
Gentleness and self-control against such things there is no.
00:02:03 Dan
Law and I was reading the Scriptures and I was looking at that and I was thinking.
00:02:10 Dan
How all of these traits all of this this production that comes from the the Holy Spirit being in us, that these are things that we should be producing, these are not like ideal concepts or things that are just pie in the sky, but this should be our everyday life, right?
00:02:29 Becky
Right. So and that's something I mean, having grown up in the church and all we we hear this passage taught all the time we teach it to our children, right. As you know, rules for behavior. We we hear these things brought out when we want to modify somebody's behavior.
00:02:45 Becky
Umm.
00:02:48 Becky
Here and and I think as we've been living this married life together and and living the the life hidden in Christ and full of the spirit together and walking that out in our home, we've come to an understanding that this is not. These are not behaviors that are suggestions by God for us to try and work into our lives.
00:03:10 Becky
You know, we're not right. It's it's not a 12 step program to become more loving. It's not a, you know, 8 things to do to become more joyful. Right. And she says as we're doing the 9 traits to cultivate, but.
00:03:22 Becky
But.
00:03:23 Becky
But in in cultivating these things, it's not so much things that we're trying to force ourselves to become as it is things that we're surrendering to allowing him to be in us and through us and and as we do that more and more in the setting of our homes.
00:03:37 Dan
Right.
00:03:44 Becky
We see our homes becoming transformed as well as our.
00:03:47 Dan
Lives well and you know, I I think about it. And I've talked to many people having this concept of having the Holy Spirit.
00:03:56 Dan
Be in charge of your home, you know, and having being where it's not just a quote UN quote Christian home, but it's actually ruled by the spirit and it's not a ohh we're going to you know we're not going to swear and we're not going to drink alcohol or we're not going to.
00:04:08 Becky
Right.
00:04:16 Dan
You know, watch bad movies or R rated movies and stuff like that in our home where it's it's not that at all.
00:04:23 Dan
It's about having the actual spirit work through you and how you interact with each other and interact with everybody that walks in the door.
00:04:32 Becky
Right. So it's not so much a setting of boundaries, not the boundaries or a problem. Boundaries can be very good things. It's and it's it's not so much setting up standards of behavior. There are things that are OK and not OK in our homes, but there is a difference between those things being imposed from the out.
00:04:51 Becky
Side and those things just flowing from who you are on the inside.
00:04:54 Dan
Right, right. Yeah, I remember that. You know the old joke, you know, hide the beer, the.
00:04:59 Dan
Preachers here, you know.
00:05:00 Dan
It's like, oh, there's a knock on.
00:05:01 Dan
The door make.
00:05:02 Dan
It's not the pastor or the Deacons, so we have to, you know, hide all the beer and wine and you.
00:05:06 Dan
Know that's not it at all. I mean, that's.
00:05:07 Becky
Right. Because then then we're in deception territory.
00:05:10 Dan
Right, we're totally missing the boat of what? This whole spirit filled life is. And so we wanted to talk about marriage and over the next few weeks, we're going to go into this whole idea of the these traits, these nine traits for not just a fruitful life.
00:05:27 Dan
Safe but a fruitful marriage as well, and I think we need to start at the basics. I think we need to go all the way back to the beginning and talk about a couple of definitions.
00:05:36 Becky
It's the old old song. Let's start at.
00:05:39 Becky
The very beginning, right?
00:05:41
Right.
00:05:41 Becky
It's a very good place to start.
00:05:43 Dan
And so let's go all the way back to the very beginning, to the fact of when God created everything in Genesis and Genesis one and two and three, where he creates everything, and then he creates man and he says everything was good.
00:06:00 Dan
Except for one.
00:06:00 Dan
One thing the one thing that wasn't good was that man was alone.
00:06:05 Dan
Right immediately creates woman from man so that man can have a helper. And it's not just a helper as in this is someone that is a slave. This is a. This is a person that we are supposed to Lord over and tell what to do. And they're supposed to obey.
00:06:09
Right.
00:06:19 Becky
Right.
00:06:25 Dan
Our every whim and our every because we're the man and they're the woman they came from us. So they are subservient.
00:06:32 Dan
To us. And that's not at all what God says. God says that he is that this woman will be a help me. This is a person who is going to come alongside and complete us because we were incomplete without her.
00:06:35 Becky
No.
00:06:44 Becky
Right.
00:06:48 Becky
Right. And again, you know, throughout the scripture over and over it's it's revealed you know that the two shall become one flesh right and and that in Ephesians Chapter 5 we see the mutual submission principle of yes women are to submit to their spouse.
00:07:06 Becky
Leadership. But the leadership that the husband is supposed to provide is the kind of leadership that Jesus provided where he loved the church and gave himself up for her. So there is right. So we see a unity in this, not a not a hierarchy, but a oneness even.
00:07:18 Dan
Right, 100% sacrificial.
00:07:24 Dan
Right.
00:07:27 Becky
As the father and the son and the spirit are one, you know the the marriage is supposed to be the earthly picture of the spiritual reality, right?
00:07:28
Right.
00:07:36 Dan
Right. And I and I think a great example that when Jesus was on planet Earth walking as a man.
00:07:41 Dan
And he said, I do my father's will I submit to my father's will, but Jesus was 100% God, but he knew what he was supposed to do. And in doing that, he would submit himself to the father's will to do what the father was asking him to do. And then he ultimately is the one who sacrifices himself for the.
00:07:49 Becky
Right.
00:08:03 Dan
Church and and that following of the father's will led led him to sacrifice himself.
00:08:09 Dan
Because that was the father's will. So this idea of a man and a woman, they are supposed to be together. They are supposed to be complementary to each other. They are supposed to complete one another. So when we're talking about marriage, when we're talking about husband and wife, that's what we're talking about. We're talking about this biblical understanding of marriage. Where?
00:08:29 Dan
God created man. God created woman. He created man and woman to be one to come together in.
00:08:36 Dan
A covenant. Now that's a whole nother thing. And we could spend. We could weeks and weeks about covenants and maybe we'll do that at some time. But right now to keep it simple and basically the covenant is being made between two parties or three parties on this part and it's the husband and wife and God.
00:08:37 Becky
Right.
00:08:40 Becky
Can spend weeks on covenant alone.
00:08:56 Dan
Coming together and making a covenant together and cut.
00:09:00 Dan
Being and sacrificing to something that is till the end of our lives, physical lives. So that's what we're talking about. So when we talk about marriage, when we're talking about husband and wife, that is our context. That is where we're going.
00:09:05 Becky
Right.
00:09:15 Becky
Absolutely it is. It is to be desired. Yes, you know that that earthly picture of the heavenly reality of unity and oneness is, is something to be desired.
00:09:26 Dan
Right. And I and I know in our society right now, you know, marriage is looked down upon. Marriage is actually being shunned on many levels because.
00:09:37 Dan
Says.
00:09:38 Dan
They, you know, my mom and dad got divorced, and I was in a split home, and it was horrible. And I never want to do that. I don't want to go through that. I don't wanna. I don't wanna relive that as an adult. And I understand that. And I understand those past hurts. What I would definitely say to that is that #1 Jesus is in the in the transforming business.
00:09:48
Right.
00:09:58 Becky
Yes.
00:09:58 Dan
And the Holy Spirit is in the transforming business.
00:10:01 Dan
God can take those things, take those hurts and he can heal those things and move you past that to where you can have a fruitful marriage and a fruitful life with a spouse, even though you might have a horrible past, even though you might have had a mother or a father that got divorced 13 times.
00:10:15 Becky
Right.
00:10:21 Dan
Or whatever, you know you're doing your 13 and me or 28 and me or whatever that thing is now, you know, and you find out that you have, you know, four brothers and six sisters. You never knew you had. And you're just like, you know what? I I don't want anything.
00:10:35 Dan
No marriage was something that was designed.
00:10:37 Dan
By God for.
00:10:38 Dan
A reason, and it was for completion, and it's also.
00:10:39 Becky
Right.
00:10:41 Dan
A picture of the church.
00:10:44 Dan
And the bridegroom, which is Jesus and it's also a picture. So you know the the devil has done his best to really destroy the things that are beautiful. And the things that point to God and point to Jesus in his beauty and you know, destroying the family and destroying.
00:10:46 Becky
Which is to use this for.
00:10:56 Becky
Right.
00:11:01
Right.
00:11:05 Dan
Marriage is is just one of the things that the the enemy has done.
00:11:09 Becky
It is and it's one of those things that we see.
00:11:12 Becky
Not only through broken marriages, but you hear the argument that, well, it's it's just a civil contract and it doesn't really have any benefits to me anyway. And and that is such a reductionist view of what, again, This is why we're setting up from the very beginning when we're talking about marriage, we're talking about marriage as designed.
00:11:32 Becky
And created by God. Yes, not as destroyed and contorted by the enemy.
00:11:39 Becky
And the world.
00:11:39 Dan
Right. So on that.
00:11:41 Dan
What we really want to talk about is how we have the holy.
00:11:44 Dan
Spirit in us.
00:11:46 Dan
And when we become believers, the Holy Spirit comes in us and we.
00:11:50 Dan
Should be allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us, direct US, comfort us, give us wisdom. Right. His word. God's word on our heart and in our minds. One of the things I I think that there's a disconnect is we think that that is for everything outside the home.
00:12:05 Becky
Right. We think it's for our ministry in our church time and it's our worship time and it's our church events right when we do our evangelism and we do our visitation and we do it's it's it's everything surrounding our church stuff, right.
00:12:08 Dan
Right.
00:12:14 Dan
Right. That's when the Holy Spirit. Really. Yeah.
00:12:20 Dan
Right. Really the Holy Spirit is so much about that as it's about our day-to-day living, right and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a part of the everything we do every day. One of the things I know for us, we wanted to really invite God to be in our marriage when we had discussions, when we had.
00:12:40 Dan
Arguments when we had you.
00:12:42 Dan
Know we had.
00:12:42 Dan
Those. Yeah, we.
00:12:43 Dan
Had.
00:12:44 Dan
You know we we always wanted to make sure even though we were making our own defense or we were doing our own thing on trying to get our point across.
00:12:54 Dan
We were still trying do that in love. We were still trying to do that by the Holy Spirit working through us now. We didn't do it perfectly every time because you're not perfect. No one's perfect. You do, you grow.
00:13:04 Becky
We grow right, we.
00:13:07 Dan
I I think that's one of the things that as believers, especially young believers, they kind of shut the Holy Spirit out and just go directly to emotions and feelings when it comes.
00:13:18 Dan
To dealing with their.
00:13:19 Becky
Spouse. Right. Well, and I think there's just that again, like you used a great word you said that.
00:13:24 Becky
The disconnect we put Holy Spirit in this context.
00:13:28 Becky
Text of he's the one that teaches us when we're reading the scripture right or he's the one that that intercedes on our behalf when we're hurting. And I do, I think sometimes especially people that have been in the church for any length of time, that have kind of thrown around these terms just as part of.
00:13:48 Becky
Vocabulary that you don't necessarily think too deeply about all the.
00:13:52 Becky
Right, we.
00:13:53 Becky
Recognized that the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is literally surrendering authority to him, right? He's he's the one that now comes into our lives and yes, he empowers us to live, but he empowers us to live in a way that is pleasing to the father.
00:14:00 Dan
Right.
00:14:14 Dan
MHM.
00:14:14 Becky
Just like we see Jesus surrender, right, he empowers us to.
00:14:19 Becky
Live in the righteousness that is not our own, that we cannot achieve, he.
00:14:22 Dan
Right.
00:14:25 Becky
All of those things, all of those attributes of who the father is, that are also in Jesus Christ are also in the spirit that indwells us, and he empowers us to live that out. His indwelling power is the power to live righteousness.
00:14:33 Dan
Uh-huh.
00:14:44 Becky
Day by day by day, not just the power to heal, not just the power to do miracles. Not.
00:14:46 Dan
Right.
00:14:52 Becky
He is the power to live righteously in the righteousness of Christ, because that's what he brings to our lives. The reality is that that righteousness, those attributes and traits of the father are accessible to us, and they're meant to be lived out in our relationships.
00:14:59 Dan
Right.
00:15:12 Becky
And you know the primary relationship in Scripture, it's the very first human relationship, right? Is the marriage. And so that life of righteousness.
00:15:19 Dan
Right.
00:15:23 Becky
Needs to be lived out right toward our spouse. So you touched on. When we have those discussions with one another that we have learned over time to surrender to the Holy Spirit and speak to one another in love. So that's, you know, in our passage there.
00:15:26
Right.
00:15:43 Becky
You you already gave away the 1st the 1st Trait, right? The first trait that we're looking to cultivate is love.
00:15:49 Dan
Right. So in that passage in Galatians, the first thing it mentions is love. That is the first fruit of the Holy Spirit and the love there, that it's it's the Greek is the agape.
00:16:00 Dan
Love it is that love that is a sacrificial love. It is a love that is beyond a physical. It's beyond a liking is beyond a feeling. This is a choice. Love. This is a love that you decide that I'm going to love you today.
00:16:01
Right.
00:16:21 Dan
I'm going to sacrifice myself today for your betterment, for your well-being.
00:16:26 Dan
And that's the love that they're talking about here.
00:16:29 Becky
One of the important things you know, we've talked about some definitions here. We've talked about what what God says marriage is, and we've put a foundation there. We've we've talked about the definition of what it is to be indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Right. And I think similarly broader common understanding of that.
00:16:47 Becky
Word.
00:16:48 Becky
Love is not used the same in our common vernacular as the way God uses it.
00:16:52 Dan
Right.
00:16:54 Dan
Right. Yeah. Cause I think nowadays when we talk about love. Ohh. I love him. Or ohh. I love her. It's more of an emotional driven, right? It's more of a me centric.
00:17:07 Becky
Yeah.
00:17:07 Dan
It is definitely a what.
00:17:10 Dan
I get out of it.
00:17:12 Dan
You know, one of the things that I've seen.
00:17:15 Dan
Much and and done reading articles is that this? There's this idea right now? Well, my love is what? What am I going to?
00:17:23 Dan
Get out of this.
00:17:24 Becky
So it's completely transactional.
00:17:25 Dan
It's completely transactional and that's not at all the actual word love means or in this case the agape love that we're talking about. It's the if I give you this, I get this and it's it's never. Yeah. It's never balanced. It's never even. It's always. I get more.
00:17:42
Right.
00:17:45 Dan
Because that's how I'm going to be selfish. We base our love, quote UN quote, on what? What does it benefit me, you know?
00:17:52 Becky
Right. Well and and so we see a very self-centered love in today's society. We see I mean come on Hallmark Movie channel a a killing off of touting a romanticized ideal of love. You know it's it's all of these beautiful, warm fluffy things and and this other person.
00:18:06 Dan
Right.
00:18:14 Becky
Is going to meet every need that I have in my life. This other person is going to make me feel a certain way or do things for me that I expect and or conversely we have the other really awful picture of unbalanced love where there's there's an abuser involved and there's someone.
00:18:33 Becky
Who is not sacrificing themselves, but destroying themselves? And there is a difference. In order to meet some external expectations being demanded by the one they quote, UN quote, right love, right. And that's not love.
00:18:38
Right.
00:18:47 Dan
Right. And and that can go actually it goes both ways. A lot of times and and I think a lot of times in young relationship.
00:18:50 Becky
Absolutely.
00:18:54 Dan
It is flip flop back and forth.
00:18:57 Dan
The selfishness or the over sacrifice and abusiveness actually goes back and forth. First part of marriages until the couple understands and realizes what they're supposed to be doing, or they come to this understanding of no, I'm not even going to.
00:19:13 Dan
Do this anymore.
00:19:15 Dan
You know that's and that is I think where.
00:19:17 Dan
A lot of these things where there's relationships and marriages that have been, they've been married 1015 years, but they were never based on.
00:19:28 Dan
And.
00:19:29 Dan
What true love is right? It was always a transitional or it was always a I give and you get you hear it all the time. All I do is I give, give, give and I get.
00:19:40 Dan
Nothing in.
00:19:40 Dan
Return and I'm not saying that in those situations that both people are perfect and that one person is doing it right and no one's doing wrong. What I'm saying is, is that.
00:19:41 Becky
Right.
00:19:50 Dan
There's a misunderstanding of what love really is because because it should be safe.
00:19:52 Becky
Right.
00:19:52
Right.
00:19:56 Dan
Official on both sides, there is a mutual submission and a neutral giving that should be happening here because that agape love is not just on one side. It's not just that the man agape loves the woman, it's the woman. Agape loves the man as well, and it should be.
00:20:02 Becky
Right.
00:20:17 Dan
Interchangeable.
00:20:18 Becky
Right. So what we have is a vast societal.
00:20:22 Becky
Misunderstanding of what it is to love and be loved again. Let's go back to beginnings. Let's because we have a vast societal misunderstanding of who God is and and with people that are out of relationship with God, who don't have Holy Spirit living in them. The capacity to love as he loves the.
00:20:25 Dan
Right.
00:20:42 Becky
Capacity to even understand what that looks like.
00:20:45 Dan
Right.
00:20:46 Becky
Is missing, yeah.
00:20:47 Becky
So we we have to be in relationship with the Father first.
00:20:51 Dan
Well, and This is why when we talk about our relationship, our husband and wife, marriage relationship, it's gotta be that husband, wife with God.
00:21:00 Dan
God is so much a part of every aspect of your marriage. He's not just there on the wedding day when you guys pray together and light the unity candle, which I don't even think they do anymore. But.
00:21:12 Becky
I think now it's unity sand sculptures now.
00:21:14 Dan
Ohh, you need hand sculptures? Yeah, that sounds that sounds exciting.
00:21:17 Dan
It's not just that's not where God is, where the preacher gets up and says certain things, and in quote, scripture and and then they, you know, have this moment, no God's an integral part of every bit of the.
00:21:29 Dan
Marriage.
00:21:30 Dan
And that if you don't understand the character of the love of God.
00:21:36 Dan
It's going to be hard to have that love for one.
00:21:38 Becky
Another, OK, so we have a foundational understanding of what that agape love is. We know that it's founded on having Holy Spirit indwelling in both partners in the marriage. We know that that this is part of his character being expressed through.
00:21:56 Becky
Us So what does that look like in the practical day-to-day Ness of life?
00:22:02 Dan
There's the world. The rubber meets the road, right. Well, again, this is the same thing where the practical of the day-to-day. Having the Holy Spirit in your life.
00:22:11 Dan
Is number one you need to invite the Holy Spirit to rule in your life from the very beginning. Every morning, every day, reminder invite Holy Spirit to rule over my life. But then those moments where you need to check yourself, those moments when you know something's wrong or you're good, you feel.
00:22:31 Dan
An anger you feel as you stop.
00:22:34 Dan
And you go OK is the response. I'm going to give to you, you know, and this was for me, you know, this was something because I was one of those, you know, quick, sarcastic comment. People, you know, I would make a little jab or a little. And what I had to do is I had to stop and go is this comment.
00:22:53 Dan
But it just make me feel good.
00:22:55 Dan
Right, because a lot of times that's what it is. You're you're making a comment. You're making a cut. You're making a dig to hurt someone else's feelings. I your spouses. And it's just to make you feel better in the moment. You're annoyed at what's happening. You're annoyed. What's going on? So you're just going to make a comment or make a thing that just hurts them.
00:23:15 Dan
And it makes you feel.
00:23:16 Becky
And it makes them.
00:23:17 Dan
Stop, right. That's the idea, right? The idea is.
00:23:19 Dan
To ultimately get.
00:23:20 Dan
Them to stop too, but you're trying to do it also and and make yourself feel better. So that's purely selfishness. That's purely that there is nothing in that that is building you up as my spouse.
00:23:34 Dan
So before I make my comment before I say what I'm going to say.
00:23:38 Dan
I need to check and go OK. Is this something that is in love right #1 is this something that brings us to a mutual understanding of what's going on because you're sharing something with me and you're upset. So am I just going to pour fuel on the fire, as you would say, or am I going to try?
00:23:50 Becky
Right.
00:24:00 Dan
To inter interact in a way that we can come to a mutual understanding cause cause every fight doesn't mean that everybody walks away happy, you know, and I think that's the other thing that people get is that ohh if we're a married couple, everything we should, everything we do should.
00:24:09 Becky
No it doesn't.
00:24:16 Dan
End up being perfect. No, there are going to be times when you know you go. You know what? That's just the way you believe on this. And that's the way I believe on this and we're going to have an understanding on this and be able to move forward. And I think that's also that showing and love is allowing the other person to have their opinion to have the other person that have their likes and dislikes.
00:24:34 Becky
Right.
00:24:38 Dan
You know it's OK.
00:24:39 Becky
And to disagree without belittling, right? Right.
00:24:42 Dan
Yeah, because it's OK that you like coconut, even though it's one of the most one of the most vile things on the planet.
00:24:45 Becky
I really do.
00:24:49 Dan
It is OK, you know, and you can have things in the house that have coconut and I don't have to eat it. But I mean, that sounds like a basic thing, but it there are, there are understandings that you have to have, you know.
00:25:00 Becky
Right. And and that goes to broader things too. It again that day-to-day life, especially early on in marriage, where you're trying to negotiate this whole, I'm living with a person and I, I love them.
00:25:13 Becky
But I I didn't anticipate that living with you meant certain things. I love a musical. You love any brand of sports. Agape love learns that not only am I not gonna belittle you for liking what you like, not only choose to engage in some of those activities with you.
00:25:33 Becky
I'm going to do it without making sure that you know about the sacrifice that I'm making to do this right. I'm. I'm going to be there with you in it because I want to enjoy what you enjoy. I love you and I.
00:25:38
Right.
00:25:46
Right.
00:25:48 Becky
Want what is good for you and we're kind of talking about surface level things, entertainment choices and and arguments and things like that. But it goes into how you make decisions going forward. I love you and I want what's best for you and I want what's best for us together because the two have become one now.
00:25:53 Dan
Yeah.
00:26:00 Dan
Yeah.
00:26:09 Dan
Right.
00:26:10 Becky
And we're pulling together in the same direction, not each. We're not fighting each other in this. We're not trying to get our own way. We're trying to find.
00:26:20 Becky
Where God's way forward is for both of us together as one, right? So so that love for one another, that willingness to hear each other out, that willingness to hold our tongues and let the other person finish and actually listen to what's being said. So that then I can love you.
00:26:23
Right.
00:26:37 Dan
Right.
00:26:40 Becky
And respect to you.
00:26:42 Becky
As we decide how we're going to move forward on this.
00:26:44 Becky
Together.
00:26:45 Becky
And we've done that with lots and lots of decisions overtime and we we're pretty dad gum unified on most things now we're 34 years in. I kind of know how you think you kind of know how I think we can anticipate a.
00:26:50 Dan
Right.
00:26:53
Yep.
00:26:58 Becky
Lot.
00:26:58 Becky
Of that, but early days it wasn't that way.
00:27:01 Dan
No. Yeah. And and again, we're we're coming at this now talking about this the after 33 years of marriage and four kids and going through lots of highs and lows and lots of where we made the wrong choices.
00:27:09 Becky
Right.
00:27:15 Dan
And we have had the knock down drag outs and we have had them, yeah.
00:27:18 Becky
We've we've heard each other pretty deeply over the years.
00:27:20 Dan
Yeah. So the understanding of that, you're never going to have that moment where it all falls apart. You know, you're not going to have that moment. It is, you know, there are going to be those times. And this again is where that love that sacrificial, that agape that over patients that.
00:27:29 Becky
Sure.
00:27:38 Dan
That that love that passes, all understanding, that love that is gonna give keep no records of wrongs, that love that is. It says in first Corinthians that's where that love is so import.
00:27:50 Dan
Important because there are going to be times when it's going to fall apart and it's going to break down. And again, this is where love covers that.
00:27:54
Right.
00:27:58 Becky
Love covers a multitude of sins, right, which is not to say that in our marriage I just sit back and you can cut me 1000 times and I'm just going to put up with it and not say anything, right? But it does mean that if something you do cuts me number one, I remember first and foremost, who you.
00:28:00 Dan
And love covers it and those.
00:28:19
Are.
00:28:20 Becky
That it is not your heart to hurt me, right, that that this is where knowing one another well helps you to love one another.
00:28:22 Dan
MHM.
00:28:30 Becky
It's the same as knowing the father right when we know God better and better and better when we've been in his word, when we've been listening to his spirit, the more we know him, the more we can rest in, in the goodness of his character, right. And so it's it's easier to love him because we can trust him, and we've developed that over the.
00:28:50 Becky
Years.
00:28:51 Becky
So when something happens and we're at.
00:28:54 Becky
I can rest on your character. I know that you're not intentionally trying to hurt me, but then I can also, in that moment, when I tend to have a bit of a fiery temper myself instead of just lashing out and firing back, I can take that beat and pray.
00:28:57 Dan
Right.
00:29:12 Dan
Right.
00:29:13 Becky
And go. OK, spirit, that hurt. You know that hurt.
00:29:18 Becky
But I need to respond to this in a way that doesn't compound the hurt. Right. Right. We want to find the healing ground together.
00:29:29 Dan
Right. Yeah. And again, this is where inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage into your everyday.
00:29:36
M.
00:29:37 Dan
And going, you know what, in the flesh right now. I can't do this. I can't handle this. I can't. This moment is too. Yep.
00:29:44 Becky
I don't like you and I don't want.
00:29:45 Becky
To love you.
00:29:46
OK.
00:29:48 Dan
I know, Holy Spirit, you're going to give me supernatural power. I know, Holy Spirit. You're going to be the one that's gonna create the miracle that's going to happen. You know, we talk about miracles with healings and miracles of all these things that you know well, you know, one of the greatest miracles is being able to reconcile a husband and wife.
00:29:56
All right.
00:30:07 Dan
Together and to be able to go through that process and so you know, that's again where I believe where you know, Holy Spirit does an amazing.
00:30:07 Becky
Absolutely.
00:30:16 Dan
Job taking them and I remember early in our marriage when we would get upset when we have our discussion moments and stuff and.
00:30:25 Dan
We would just say, you know.
00:30:26 Dan
I'm mad at you. I don't like you very much. I love you, but I don't like you very much. And I'm gonna go over here for about 10-15 minutes and you go over there for about 10-15 minutes and we'll come back together when we've come down a little bit when he's allowed.
00:30:39 Becky
Which y'all?
00:30:40 Becky
You need to get this mental picture. Our first apartment was all of 500 square feet. We could see every.
00:30:46 Becky
Corner from every corner.
00:30:48 Dan
Literally, the only place that you could hide was when you closed the door into the bathroom. You could literally sit from one end of the you you could sit at one end of the apartment and see the entire everything else and the other end of the apartment.
00:31:00 Dan
And vice versa and so. But no, we did that. We would just say, listen, I love you. I don't like you right now.
00:31:09 Dan
And we're going to take some time. And I remember we stayed up late late nights some nights while working a lot of these things out early in our marriage where, you know it's it's like we're we're just going to separate and we're going to pray and we're going to allow Holy Spirit to just work and teach us.
00:31:14
Yeah.
00:31:25 Becky
And and that's the key, though we didn't. We didn't go to our opposing corners of the apartment and Stew. We didn't go to the opposing corners of our apartment and think up all the insults and lick our wounds and mentally.
00:31:40 Becky
We immerse ourselves in how the other one had done us wrong, right?
00:31:44 Dan
Or or replaying and stirring.
00:31:46 Becky
Right. We would separate and both of us go before the father and go, OK? Things are broken. We need them to be won again, because what God has put together, we're not going to rip apart.
00:31:59
Right.
00:32:00 Dan
You know, and again that to me isn't the ultimate.
00:32:04 Dan
As we're talking about love.
00:32:06 Dan
That is what you do in love. You don't just gloss over it and go, oh, that's OK and deal with it and put it in the corner of your mind to bring out, you know, 2.
00:32:17 Dan
Years later, right?
00:32:18 Dan
It's no you, you deal with it, you focus on it, you allow Holy Spirit to work in you and and you work through it.
00:32:26 Dan
There are times when it it it's hard because of different obligations and stuff to deal with things at that moment. But you know, we made sure that we did not let days go by without.
00:32:36 Dan
Solving and we did not allow the the as the the sun to go down on our anger. You know we would we would stay up late night or we would the first opportunity we would get we would sit down and talk about it that to me you know you talk about putting this how do you do this in the day-to-day that's how you do it you know that's exactly how you.
00:32:42 Becky
That's right.
00:32:57 Dan
Do it is that you?
00:32:58 Dan
You're gonna put love first and foremost in your relationship in your marriage.
00:33:04 Dan
And you're going to act appropriately to that.
00:33:07 Becky
Right.
00:33:08 Becky
Love, right? So you're you're going to act appropriately when it's tough, and then you're going to be mindful, right? When you, when you see in the scripture, when you see God loving humanity that he created from the very, very foundation.
00:33:13 Dan
MHM.
00:33:25 Becky
He provided an environment. He put together the entire environment before he put us in it, right, right. He went ahead and provided for us. He was already anticipating our needs, anticipating what would benefit us best and put that in play before he ever created us. You see him?
00:33:45 Becky
Anticipating our failure and provide.
00:33:48
Mm-hmm.
00:33:49 Becky
Living.
00:33:50 Becky
A savior. You see him giving great forethought and that's love. Yes. And we to see that in our day-to-day too. And again, you know, love is the opposite of selfishness. If if my thoughts are always toward what I feel like, I need what I need from you. What I.
00:33:55
Yeah.
00:34:02 Dan
Right.
00:34:10 Becky
Need to feel successful when I need to feel pretty. What I need to fill in the blank if I'm looking to you to provide that number one. I'm looking in the wrong place because you're not.
00:34:21 Becky
My.
00:34:22 Becky
Source. God's my source. But I'm also looking very, very selfishly. Instead of looking with eyes of love and going OK, father, you've put me.
00:34:22 Dan
Right.
00:34:31 Becky
In this beautiful oneness relationship with my husband, what things help me view him with the eyes that you view him.
00:34:40 Becky
With right.
00:34:42 Becky
And.
00:34:42 Becky
And.
00:34:43 Becky
I begin to anticipate what benefits you right and so I can see on days that you're just kind of struggling a little bit of extra gentleness comes into play. I know your favorite things I've paid attention. So if you're feeling unseen or neglected or whatever in.
00:35:03 Becky
Other realms of your life.
00:35:06 Becky
I can come in and remind you that you're seen and you're loved and it's the stupid simple little things. I'm at the grocery store doing the the weekly grocery run, and there's a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at the front, the checkout counter, and it's one of your favorite things and I just want you to feel seen and known and loved. And so I pick it up and bring it home.
00:35:25 Dan
Yep.
00:35:27 Becky
It's those things where that kind.
00:35:29 Becky
Of seeing each other before we see ourselves comes into play just the same way as the Father had a gape for the whole of creation, which has to be exhausting.
00:35:32 Dan
Right.
00:35:40 Dan
Yes, yeah, yes. And I think again, this is where we're talking about how you apply that love every day and it is in the simple things and it is in not only the big things, but it is in the little things.
00:35:56 Becky
So we've kind of covered a lot of ground.
00:35:58 Becky
Today, huh? With.
00:35:59 Dan
Yeah, we have.
00:36:00 Becky
With number one, we've covered basic definitions and we've covered what God says, love is, and what the indwelling of the spirit is and and how that how that love plays out in good times and in bad times.
00:36:01
Yep.
00:36:16 Becky
Through our walk. So this coming week, pay attention. Stop and and really, if you're a believer and you're married, ask the Holy Spirit to open your eyes to ways that you can love your spouse, right?
00:36:29 Becky
Allow him to put that check on your tongue and help you to sacrificially love right. Help him to see the things that you can do to go and anticipate.
00:36:41 Becky
The needs and the desires of your spouse. Yeah, and you. You might be shocked at the responses that you start getting. It's like, oh, yeah. Oh, this is kind of nice. And the the more you pay attention to who the spirit is and who he's how he's working in your life, the more those things start to flow from a genuine.
00:36:50
Yeah.
00:37:01 Becky
Place you won't have to work so hard.
00:37:02
So.
00:37:03 Dan
This is just the beginning. We have 8 traits left, right, and so we've just touched the first one, which obviously was love, but next week we're going to talk about a one that's not an emotion, but many people think it is and that's joy. So next week we're going to talk about joy and how to have joy in your marriage.
00:37:24 Dan
And so you're going to want to be back for that. If you have any comments, questions, anything that you've heard that you would love to know more about, please put it in description below or write us questions, e-mail us at [email protected]. And I would love to talk with you and interact with you.
00:37:45 Dan
On that, and let us know, please give us a like and give us a you're enjoying what's going on because it's a great encouragement to.
00:37:53 Dan
Us as well.
00:37:55 Dan
We'll see you guys next week as we continue on the 9 traits to cultivate a fruitful marriage, and we'll be going into the the trait of joy.
00:38:06 Dan
Next week. So thank you guys for hanging out and we'll look forward to seeing you again next week. See you next week.
00:38:12 Becky
We'll see you next week.