You want to save your marriage. Right? That is why you are here, right? So, what might get in your way? How might you fail in your efforts? Let me be clear: in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts. This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you. Which is why this episode is so important for you. The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make. You have...
Nov 13, 2024•24 min•Ep. 530
I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone. You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful. But can you do it alone? Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therap...
Nov 06, 2024•20 min•Ep. 528
Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a ...
Oct 30, 2024•26 min•Ep. 529
It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control. A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over... And undo any progress you have been making. I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions." And in reality, the challenge is not con...
Oct 16, 2024•23 min•Ep. 527
She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing. There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe. Our brains are always lookin...
Oct 09, 2024•25 min•Ep. 526
When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into e...
Oct 02, 2024•22 min•Ep. 525
Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change? That question has been asked for millenia. It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology. And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer. As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about this question. Sometimes, people ask me this question, about themselves, about their spouse, or about their relationship. Short answer, "Yes, you and...
Sep 25, 2024•28 min•Ep. 524
What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage? That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage. As part of my series, answering your questions, I want to address this one. Because it might just be YOUR question, too! (If not, you can SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIO...
Sep 18, 2024•17 min•Ep. 523
Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding. Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting. Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't. As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle: Connect, Don't Crowd. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you acc...
Sep 11, 2024•49 min•Ep. 522
Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts. Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you. Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. ...
Sep 04, 2024•27 min•Ep. 521
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you! And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end. But are you? Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I thi...
Aug 28, 2024•27 min•Ep. 520
Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since th...
Aug 14, 2024•23 min•Ep. 519
How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage?? That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls. I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome? So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late? Good news: t...
Aug 07, 2024•20 min•Ep. 518
My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path. The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't. But that path to create. Where to?? I recently got an email that asked just that: "What is the path I am building? Where to??"...
Jul 31, 2024•23 min•Ep. 517
It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!” Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis. Are they opposites? One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing. Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE ...
Jul 17, 2024•17 min•Ep. 516
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choos...
Jul 10, 2024•21 min•Ep. 515
Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse…. It is quite a game. Not one that either person ...
Jul 03, 2024•30 min•Ep. 514
Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally! Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it! One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way. And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be t...
Jun 26, 2024•22 min•Ep. 513
For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy. How do I know? Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often. Why? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy. Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been...
Jun 19, 2024•19 min•Ep. 512
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the o...
Jun 12, 2024•29 min•Ep. 511
On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't." I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer. Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice. You may have hear...
Jun 05, 2024•Ep. 510
Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a sp...
May 29, 2024•25 min•Ep. 509
This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast! Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's. There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly). For other countries, it may be another week or two off. But we are slip-sliding right toward it. In this audio version of a video tr...
May 24, 2024•16 min•Ep. 508
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choos...
May 23, 2024•21 min•Ep. 507
There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now. Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like. Sometimes, couple switch roles. Usually,...
May 15, 2024•22 min•Ep. 506
Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage. But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage?? There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better. The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you! But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get the...
May 08, 2024•21 min•Ep. 505
You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life. But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem. The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause. Relationships don't go into suspended animation, j...
May 02, 2024•10 min•Ep. 504
Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage. This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better. When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage. Lots of very convoluted, confusing th...
Apr 24, 2024•22 min•Ep. 503
For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage. Maybe your spouse claims to want the same. Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all. A little conversation... that goes ...
Apr 03, 2024•27 min•Ep. 503
Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship. In this episode, ...
Mar 27, 2024•17 min•Ep. 501
