You're listening to the save the marriage podcast. Your marriage can be saved and strengthened if you have the right information. Join doctor Lee Ba as he explores ways, for you to improve your relationship and your life starting right now. Hey. This is Lee Welcome. Welcome to the save the Marriage podcast. This is crazy for me to think. We are well on the 3 hundreds episodes now. I've been doing this for quite a while putting out an episode a week for what, over 300 weeks now. 320 some weeks.
We've been downloaded now over 3000000 times from around the world. Just kinda blows my mind about the cup capacity we have now of getting information in so many different ways. I listened to podcast on a regular basis when I'm walking in the morning, I always tune into a couple of podcasts. And I'm always looking for those places that help me change. And that's why I bring you the episodes the way I do.
I tried to time the episodes so that they're about 18 to 25 minutes unless they're an interview, and sometimes the interviews go longer just so we can make sure we get in that information. But what I'm trying to do is give you a nugget. Get you a piece of
information that's gonna help you. Now sometimes you're gonna tune in and say, well, that didn't quite apply to me, and then other times, it's gonna be dead on. 1 of the things I've noticed though is sometimes people don't think it lost to them, and then it suddenly does. Because this is an ever changing process as you're working to save your marriage. Really doesn't matter where you are in that process. There are some underlying dynamics.
Some pieces of information that are gonna apply across the board. And that's the thing I try to cover. How do we understand what's going on and how do I give you a kind of a coherent piece by piece way of moving through that. Now to tell you, the save the marriage system is kind of the place where I put a whole system together step by step. Right through the process.
It's kind of why I started this podcast because I wanted to make sure people understood what I'm saying So they can decide what they think about the system. So if you interested in the system, go to save the marriage dot com that save the marriage dot com, But today, we're gonna be talking a little bit about space. I'm answering questions. And today, I'm answering a question about space. So as you know, we've been talking about questions that people have.
Questions that listeners have. And that's where we're coming in today when we're talking about this issue of space. So I hear it very often. A lot of people kind of misunderstand what space is. And and yet they hear that. You know, a spouse says, hey, give me some space. So the first thing I want you to understand about space is when you can't manage the space, The other person is going to manage it for you. Your spouse is going to manage
it for you. And the way they manage it is by creating more distance. So often what happens is people progress from wanting emotional space to demanding physical space, and that physical space can continue you to be pushed until the person actually is out the door, and that's what we're trying to avoid. So I had a couple questions, and it says our giving space and trying to make a connection again, opposites. So let's just talk about
the potentials here. So first of all, Understand that space feels safe when you feel safe with that other person. But space begins to feel unsafe when there's a level of disconnection. You can probably think about it yourself. When you feel close to someone you want to be closer. But let's say that somebody doesn't feel close, maybe even feels like there's something of a threat. Whatever level of threat that that may be.
I mean, certainly, if somebody feels physically threatening, we keep our distance, but sometimes we feel some need for emotional space, emotional distance. And you can think about that in the rest of your life. If you've got somebody that you know and acquaintance at work that maybe trust too hard, pushes too hard, maybe makes you a bit uncomfortable. You probably keep your distance, whether physically or relational. So physically, you may just avoid the other person.
Relational, you may decide that you're not going to engage too much in a conversation, and maybe you're not gonna share too much. Maybe you're going to avoid going too deep. Well, that's the same kind of thing that happens. The same thing. The same wiring is there. You understand that our wiring as humans is across the board and how we manage ourselves. A, we all need some level of connection. And b, we all need some level of safety and security.
Our level of connection and our level of safety and security have a certain rhythm to them. When we feel more safe, we can connect more. When we connect more, we feel more safe. Conversely, When we feel unsafe, we disconnect. And when we disconnect, we feel unsafe. So that brings us to this whole question about space. So if you just imagine for a amendment, this idea of space. Just imagine... There's like a a fish bowl. Right? If you go in and look, you've got a
fish bowl... Let's say you have 1 at your house and You know, maybe it's your your child's and they have a goldfish in it. Right? The fish bowl is solid. The fish bowl is made of glass or plastic or whatever. It's solid and rigid. It's not going anywhere. So imagine that you put 2 puffer fishes into that tank. If you know about puffer fish, they'll puff up. When they feel threatened they'll puff up, and they take up space when they puff up. So imagine a couple of combinations that could
happen with that. Puffer fish. 1 with the 2 in there, 1 of them can puff up and the other has to move away. And it's possible that the 1 who puffs up always stays puff always is needing more space because they feel unsafe or they feel like they need more attention or or something they're they're puff up. Right? And so The other fish has to kind of stay away and stay un puff. And that's 1 rhythm that often happens with couple where 1 person takes up more emotional
space. They need more attention or they need to express themselves more or they need more energy. And so they take up more emotional space in that bowl. But remember, the bowl is only a certain size. And then the other 1 has to therefore take up less space. Another pattern is that neither 1 take up any space, neither 1 puff up. And there has to be some level of puff to all of us. All of us need some level of connection. And so when both puffer fishers are completely
deflate and staying away from each other. That's just disconnection where there's so much disconnection. They don't even get close to each other. There are some marriages like that, and they are disconnected relationships. I've had people coming in my the office and say, you know, we're we're married, but really in name only. We really don't have anything to do each other We have our separate lives.
We don't interact. Interestingly enough, I've had several of those who started at that position who ended up with very loving satisfying relationships. Once they realized that there was actually a way to go about the connection that both of them could feel safe about. Both of them could find some way through their disconnection. And maybe puff a bit, be closer to each other. But that's another pattern as possible.
There's also a pattern where both people are constantly puff up, and they're poking into each other. That's the puffer of fish part. They poke into each other because they're so puff up that their spawns are out and they just keep pushing into each other. In that case, it's a fairly volatile relationship. Lots of energy, but not much love there. It's just a lot of energy trying to kinda make your point or demand things. And so it ends up looking often like a very energized angry
relationship. That's another option. Then there are the times when there is some puff that happens on each side when 1 needs more attention, they puff up a little bit to get closer to the other 1. Not so much of the spines come out, but they just take turns taken up that space. In healthy relationships, we kind of take turns taking up that space.
And there are sometimes in relationships where they go to such extremes that 1 can take up huge amounts of space, alternating with the other, and they go back and forth, and that's okay until suddenly both try to take up space and they spike each other. So I need space is basically saying you need to move away. You need to move away from me. That could be emotional, could be verbal, could be physical. But that is a place of trying to find some difference, some some distance between you that
feels safe to the person. Now here's the thing. Some people respond to disconnection by creating an extreme level of distance from trying to maintain it. Others want to recapture that connection. If you're a part of this process. If you're living listening to this podcast, You're probably not the 1 trying to distance. You're trying to be the 1 to draw closer. But you may be doing that with someone who wants. Some distance, and that's where we have this struggle.
So the fact is there are ways we can try to connect that can feel very needy and very desperate. And there are actually ways that we can connect that don't feel quite so needy, and that's what we're trying to manage. So they are not opposites to answer the question giving space and trying to make a connection again are not opposites. It's how you go about trying to reestablish
the connection. If you go at it from an needy perspective where you're grabbing trying to get the connection from the other person, it's gonna feel like you're crowding the space. If you make offers for connection, If you try to give connection, give support, that can feel less like an invasion of space. And we do it in subtle ways. I can walk up to someone and say, hey, I love you. And it be... All I'm trying to do is is tell them a statement.
But I could also walked up to to someone and say, hey, I love you. And you'll notice a little question on the end. Or think about when we hug somebody, not because we want to give them a hug, but because we want to get a hug from them. Many times, I watch people say, hey, will you give me a hug. Hey, will you give me a kiss. I want something from you. They're looking for
reassurance. We all look for reassurance. The question is whether it's the time to look for reassurance or whether it becomes invasive. So sometimes even in our physical actions, we try to draw the connection from somebody else which feels needy. As opposed to if I just went up to someone and gave him kind of a little hug and said, hey, Just 1 wanna let you know, Love. And walk off. Right? So there are ways that we can connect
that aren't so invasive. Now, in my Vip program, I actually have a whole training on my tools of connection, including how to text and how to create some tabs to be together and and some other ways of doing things that don't feel needy that don't pull at the other person. So it's tools of connection designed specifically not to invade space. So those are lots of ways of do that. But to answer the question,
it really isn't opposites. It's to make sure you understand the connection that you're trying to do is give connection while you're giving space, not getting connection while you're invading space. That's the danger point. So the next question is, does it make a difference if they are still actively having an affair? Well, it doesn't make any difference in the fact that the other person gets to set the parameters. The spouse gets to set the parameters of space. You have to honor
what somebody says in terms of space. If they say, hey, you can't call me or maybe you can't call me at these times, you have no choice but to manage that, but to allow that because that's their boundary. Maybe they say you can't come by the house. You have to you know, follow that because when people set their level of space, I'm not talking now practically. If you push against that. I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong, I'm just saying if you push against that, they will take
the next step in taking more space. And so when somebody asked for some space, yeah, you have to give that space. And affair is when somebody is getting their connection from another person. So, yes, there are some places that that because they're already getting their kind of their connection load somewhere else. They... May have substituted before what they weren't getting in the marriage. They're trying to now get it from outside.
So that's the danger, and and pro also the threat of a marriage. Now I'll go into depth on this in my book, recovering from the affair, which you can find at the affair book dot com, the affair book dot com. A talk about, you know, kind of what fuels that, why it's going on and and what difference it makes and how do you move beyond that? How do you confront that? How do you heal from that?
But I just wanna be clear that it really doesn't make a difference in terms of the space when they're in an affair because here is an important thing to understand. You're not competing with the affair. That's not what you're up against. You're up against where the relationship has been. The affair is a symptom of the disconnection it's been in a relationship. There there is an exception, and that has more to do
with addiction. But other than that, it has more to do as a symptom of a disconnected relationship where somebody didn't hold the boundaries didn't set the boundaries that are appropriate in a relationship. In terms of space though, not a big difference. Okay. So then this says, how do you reconnect while giving your spouse space? And you say saying what would that look like? Okay? So that's a very long conversation because you need to understand the tools of that. That's an extended
process. Yeah. And it starts with an apology that is not begging. It's not trying to invade that space accidentally. It's also about how you interact with that spouse and how you move towards them. So the best thing to do is if you don't have my system is to grab the system, the save the marriage system at save the marriage dot com, I'm gonna offer you a free week of my Vip program.
Sign up for that, go straight to the resource area and straight to the tools of connection and take all the training there to understand how to do that. It is just lots of training that there, more than I could cover on a pot cast, but you do want to understand how to do that very specifically. Now if you do have the save the marriage system and you passed on Vip. You can still
join Vip and learn all about space. I have a whole set of training in there an extended training session on understanding what space is, why it's important, how you manage it and what you do about that plus those tools of connections. So some great resources specifically around space. If you don't have my system go to save the marriage dot com, you do need to understand save the marriage, in order to move into Vip,
that's a prerequisite for that. And then if you still need to, you can join Vip, by going to save the marriage dot com slash vip. If you want coaching on how to deal with that. Go to save the marriage dot com slash coaching, and we can walk you through this and help you understand that and coach you through how to connect in your specific situation. But don't let space, be a scary place where you either get desperate to make connection and therefore invade the space or you just
avoid it completely. There are ways to understand both connection and space that don't put them as opposites and you need to do that. If you want to save your marriage. Okay. Again, starting point, save the marriage dot com. That's where you grab my system, save the marriage dot com. Do grab my free week of Vip when I offer it and get busy with those tools of connection and the extended training on understanding space. This is Lee Wishing you the best. As you work to save your marriage.
You've been listening to save the marriage podcast, For more information and health, please visit us and save the marriage dot com.