What makes a marriage work? What makes a marriage GREAT? Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters. Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like. Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage. I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them. T...
Jul 09, 2025•24 min•Ep. 560
The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to t...
Jul 02, 2025•20 min•Ep. 559
Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not...
Jun 25, 2025•14 min•Ep. 558
I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.” Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict? Why are they disconnected? Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team? Viewpoints. About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse. That is very dangerous. Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underl...
Jun 18, 2025•22 min•Ep. 557
At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does...
Jun 11, 2025•20 min•Ep. 556
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing...
Jun 04, 2025•24 min•Ep. 555
Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage? Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches?? How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even ...
May 28, 2025•23 min•Ep. 554
Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage? If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts. It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns. And some of those pre-date even your marriage. Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running. Which is too bad. We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring. Which is the good news. Our brain IS capable of rewiring. We ARE capable of growing, ch...
May 14, 2025•1 hr 6 min•Ep. 553
Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo? That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things? Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.” He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Mar...
May 07, 2025•22 min•Ep. 552
Maybe you have heard these lines: "Love should just happen." "This is just too much work." "I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love." "I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel. Something is wrong." Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself? You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe. Our notions about love are like that. And unfort...
Apr 30, 2025•24 min•Ep. 551
Let me say it here, in writing: I am NOT opposed to marital therapy. I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now. I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy. And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help. If you don't know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist. I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist. And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective...
Apr 23, 2025•24 min•Ep. 550
Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse. But I don't think that is actually it. In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious. Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue. I have that "usually" in there, because there are abusive relationships... in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at lea...
Apr 16, 2025•19 min•Ep. 549
Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness. I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast. And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving. "Every-day forgiving" and big-time forgiving. In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other's feelings, make bad decisions -- and still have to figure out how to move forward. You do that by forgiving. BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and b...
Apr 09, 2025•14 min•Ep. 548
I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be. The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt. At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment. Perhaps it was that moment when...
Apr 02, 2025•22 min•Ep. 547
There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week. In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results. Like all mistakes, it is avoidable. (If something is unavoidable, it can't be a mistake; a mistake always has an al...
Mar 27, 2025•15 min•Ep. 546
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get be...
Mar 19, 2025•23 min•Ep. 545
I know it hurts. And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful. Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage. And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of wh...
Mar 12, 2025•23 min•Ep. 544
So, what DO you do when apathy strikes? It might be YOUR apathy. But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern. What IS apathy? What does it mean? Why does it happen? And most importantly, what can you do about it? This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy. RELATED RESOURCES You Are The Best Tool Dealing With Disconnection "Too Little, Too Late"? Start With What ...
Mar 05, 2025•29 min•Ep. 543
Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice. I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how to respond. If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast. Listen below. R...
Feb 26, 2025•15 min
“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged....
Feb 19, 2025•30 min•Ep. 541
I wish this only happened every now and then. Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage. In this case, they have chosen to use my System. And they are making progress! (Yay!) Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach. And suddenly, their efforts fall apart. The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach. Making great progress using my material. Then losing all progress when they added on ...
Feb 12, 2025•25 min•Ep. 540
One more argument. One more struggle. They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win. Because they were not winning at marriage! I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??" They certainly were not working like a team. They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other. They were struggl...
Feb 05, 2025•19 min
Fears. They can certainly derail us humans! But what about relationship fears? Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships? Yep, we all have them. 2 basic fears. And those 2 fears? They pull against each other. One can trigger the other in couples. We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other. And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse. Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other. Those ...
Jan 29, 2025•18 min
Games should be fun. But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun. These are patterns of interaction and communication. The design is to get a need met. But behind it is a dysfunction. It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects. It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs. It may be a false expectation of how things should be. But somewhere is a false belief. And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the...
Jan 22, 2025•15 min•Ep. 537
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold? Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing ...
Jan 15, 2025•28 min•Ep. 536
Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help t...
Jan 08, 2025•21 min•Ep. 535
Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too." A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope: hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can...
Dec 18, 2024•32 min•Ep. 534
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss! She would be losing out! No chance to find the deeper meanin...
Dec 11, 2024•16 min•Ep. 533
"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote. I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.) Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she nee...
Dec 04, 2024•24 min•Ep. 532
I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse. Don't. Stop. Think again before you share. Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around. You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love. And you might get sup...
Nov 20, 2024•16 min•Ep. 531
