When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here: 500 episodes of the podcast, a number o...
Mar 21, 2024•22 min•Ep. 500
Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. But I will tell you one thing about magic: it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychol...
Mar 13, 2024•20 min•Ep. 499
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get be...
Mar 07, 2024•23 min•Ep. 498
Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that res...
Feb 28, 2024•15 min•Ep. 497
I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make...
Feb 21, 2024•21 min•Ep. 496
The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at eac...
Feb 14, 2024•21 min•Ep. 495
Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is trippi...
Jan 24, 2024•23 min•Ep. 494
Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is ho...
Jan 17, 2024•28 min•Ep. 493
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads...
Dec 20, 2023•14 min•Ep. 492
Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about pas...
Dec 13, 2023•23 min•Ep. 491
"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires...
Dec 06, 2023•22 min•Ep. 490
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the o...
Nov 29, 2023•29 min•Ep. 489
When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No cha...
Nov 21, 2023•16 min•Ep. 488
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how th...
Nov 15, 2023•18 min•Ep. 487
Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror. But these are such important questions t...
Nov 08, 2023•23 min•Ep. 486
You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage...
Oct 30, 2023•17 min•Ep. 485
We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN cha...
Oct 12, 2023•23 min•Ep. 484
Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced. They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce. There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road. And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage. But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn arou...
Oct 04, 2023•19 min•Ep. 483
The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE) But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection. And yes, ...
Sep 27, 2023•20 min•Ep. 482
Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it. They can't seem to get started with their efforts. Yes, they know the clock is ticking. Yes, they know it is important. But getting started... doesn't happen IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED? There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started. And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way o...
Sep 20, 2023•21 min•Ep. 481
We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming you...
Aug 16, 2023•22 min•Ep. 479
Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future? You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch. You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it. If that is the case, then you need a way forward. The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness. How important is it? Incredibly important! Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless. Any bit of hope helps us to move forward. But when we lose all hope, we lose our way. We give up. We wander around. And we deepen the cr...
Jul 19, 2023•25 min•Ep. 478
It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist). Most people communicate just fine. They have another issue: perception. How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue. And then the trap is laid. Perception and connection. They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection. I call it the Perception/Connection Trap. You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you ...
Jul 12, 2023•26 min•Ep. 477
We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages. It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over. The problem is when the hurts don't heal. Bumps, they happen. Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen. Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long. Weeks, months, even years. Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the w...
Jul 05, 2023•21 min•Ep. 476
Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! ...
Jun 28, 2023•27 min•Ep. 475
When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed? Four reasons: Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into e...
May 31, 2023•22 min•Ep. 474
I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me fee...
May 17, 2023•23 min•Ep. 473
Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage. Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed. It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation. And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay. While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far. And noting the relationship pro...
Apr 26, 2023•28 min•Ep. 472
“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is an...
Apr 12, 2023•27 min•Ep. 471
So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy." In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. The next step is often, "I need space." But that is even scarier! And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. Maybe an in-house separation. Maybe a full separation. Emotional separation becomes physical separation. All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern: "I'm not happy." One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with "emotional space." It i...
Mar 29, 2023•18 min•Ep. 470
