I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Rspot,
a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. If you are just joining us, my guest today is Ace Metaphor, host of Tonight's Conversation on YouTube, and we are dishing up a relationship soup, talking about many of the things that we women talk about when there's no man in the room. I hope you are out there taking notes, because my guests is truly offering some things that we as women, regardless of our age, we need to take
this in and consider it. One of the things that I find so interesting about Ace is that he's telling on himself. He's telling on the brotherhood of men, and more important, he is telling on women. If you have never listened to or seen his show, please put that on your to do list. I knew I wanted to have him as a guest when I heard him say this toxic men one a good woman too. He said, is the man coming into your life to elevate you
or is he coming to deplete you? You see, your good qualities are attractive to all men, the good men and the toxic ones too. Now that right there is the Hallelujah truth. Let me get back to my conversation with Ace metaphor. You got a woman at home, you got kids maybe, or you're in a decent relationship, y'all, don't fight, you like each other. You're still doing the wild thing every now and then? Why what is the thought? What happens? Do you just see the woman and I
gotta have that? Or does something happen? Tell me talk to me about cheating.
Okay, First, cheating is a lack of boundaries. Cheating doesn't happen over atnight. It's a conversation that leads to another, inappropriate conversation that leads to this, at least to that, and then here you are. So it's a lack of boundaries. I've always said that men are offensively minded creatures. We are taught to go pursue, whereas women are the defensive minded creatures. More so when it comes to dating, defend, reject.
So oftentimes, because we've been so offensively minded, we don't work. We don't have defense. So when a woman comes and says something to you, you're not in practice of shutting it down before it even starts, right, and so that leads to more temptation than you should allow. And then finally you go ahead and do what you do. But the bigger problem, and I've discussed them, here's the thing.
I'm a monogamous individual. I am just advocating for what I've heard a lot of different ways to love people. There are some people that believe that how I care and love this person isn't an indictment on how I care and love this person. There are people that live and say I can love multiple different people, I can have sex with multiple different people, but that is not an infringement on how I feel about you. The problem is you didn't get into that type of arrangement. So
here's this man in his head. He's not thinking he's damaging his actual relationship because it's like, Okay, my love for you is not lessening because I still feel the same way. I still have the same loyalty even though I'm doing my dirt over here. But the problem is you're vited life in the terms of your relationship. So I just believe that there are some men that just
don't need to be in monogamous relationships. There are some men that just need to practice discipline, because even if you were in a poly relationship, if you lack discipline, you can still cheat inside those relationships. And it's a discipline thing. It's a being up front thing and being honest. And let me tell you this, ta ma, but I'm gonna tell you this. Look for a second, I thought about some open relationship things, but then in my head, I was like, but that would mean that it's open
both ways. I can't deal with that. So I'm gonna just be disciplined enough to not cross some boundaries.
I hear you, because that's the other thing, you know, and which is why women now you know that they're stepping away. But this is what a brother explained to me. He said, So you're in a relationship seven, eight, nine, ten years and you have your little things, but the one thing is she's on you. You don't do this, you don't do that. One complaint I have no matter what I do is not right. And so you're doing that.
You're doing that, and you go to work and there's a today, a woman there you know, normally you wouldn't even look at her, you know, maybe a boobs hang too low, or hair is too short or whatever. But you come in one day and she notices you because men like to be noticed. And she says, wow, you look tired today, and you're like, you look tired today? Nah, and just off the coffee, says not. Me and my old lady were going at it. Really, she's listening to you.
She look a little more attractive. And then you just unload and she listens, and then you'll go your separate ways. The next day you came in, come in, she brings you a piece of cake. I baked the cake last night, and here's a piece of cake. Wait a minute, you notice me, you listen to me, and I like cake. You know I like cake. You got some psychics, And then she'd take the cake. That will say nothing, all right. And then a couple of days later, you sitting down
eating lunch. Can I join you for lunch? And you all are sitting in now you're talking about Christmas, Easter, the football. She likes football. Wait a minute, hold up, she liked football. She's looking real good. And he explained to me, that's just how it happens. Here's the part that I don't get. It happens one time. Now you got to make arrangements. That's the piece I don't get. How do you do that? How do you look me in my face knowing you just got out of another
woman's bed. How do you do that?
Compartmentalizing it when it comes to this is your ability to do that. And that's why a lot of successful men be doing this cheating thing, because sometimes you got to learn how to compartmentalize how you feel to get something done. Compartmentalize guilt from maybe screwing a person over in a business deal, but you had to do it for your company. To do that, you compartmentalize it so much and so many things that you even do that
in your relationship. There are men compartmentalize it right now. You know why because they don't want to get quote unquote nagged if they bring up how they actually feel inside the relationships. So here he is you made him mad, But instead of saying something, I'm just I'm a tuck it here. And so I just believe that there are certain men that's able to do that to where even if that guilt is present from doing what you're doing
and being deceitful. You can tuck it here and you don't think about it until you revisit that room in your heart, and oftentimes you don't. It's dusty in there.
You talked about this, and this is serious. So she's looking real attractive now to you, and you're sneaking around every other Tuesday at the wherever you go into her house and the d and then she comes and she tells you she's pregnant.
See now, see now listen now. Now let me tell you that people got mad at me when I said this, okay, because there are pocketive people, large percentage of people that think cheating is disrespectful no matter how you do it. But in my opinion, there's a less disrespectful way to cheat and a blatantly disrespectful way to cheat. If you are out here not per detecting yourself, do it now. That's a level of disrespect and it's people that sloppingly cheat. I don't want to be cheapd Let me make this
known to everybody. I don't want to be cheated on. But if you happen to do this, least care enough about me to not be sloppy. Please, So the pregnancy thing is to me, that's a double disrespect because here's the thing. A lot of people have cheating as deal breakers, and I understand that I'm a more a factor's person, Like it's what are the factors here? I still may lean towards leaving right, but if there is a chance
of reconciliation, factors matter. Whether you use protection matters, how many times matters, how loudly you were doing this matters. To me, it made it matters, so for a god to do that. Now, I want to say this though the reason I don't like, and I do believe for some men and women, the reasoning that you said is plausible. I think that does happen. But I think a good number of people that are cheating in relationships are otherwise
satisfied in their current relationship. It is not like their wife don't see them, it's not like they're not having sex inside their relationship. It's just some people is greed. Okay, But hear me out There are women right now that like this man because of his greed, and what I mean by that in other ways, he has amassed millions of dollars because he wasn't satisfied at just one hundred thousand, He wasn't satisfied at just five hundred thousand. He wasn't
satisfied at just a million. He wasn't satisfied at just one property. He just kept going. It is a character trait of this man to continue to get more, and that attracted you to him. The downside, though, is even in his relationships want more. So it's not like you're not doing what you need to do. It's not like you're not satisfying. You're just with a greedy person. And we call it ambitious, right, And when we like what it, when we like it, it's ambitious. When we don't like it,
it's greed. But this is a personality traite the ones.
Who are making one hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, but you know the truck driver that you still got to help him cover the life bill. He cheating too.
See, now that's beyond me.
That's beyond me, whether you're the million dollar man or the truck driver or the bus driver whatever. And now she's pregnant, is it on? See I hold a woman responsible for that. But that's just me. I'm old school him not protecting himself or is it her setting him up? Because that's what I hear all the time, the woman, the wife at home, or the longtime girlfriend. She gets mad at the other woman, And I'm saying, but you don't have a relationship with her, You had a relationship
with him. Why aren't you looking at him? Why wasn't he protecting himself?
Can I be honest? Please, Okay, y'all gotta let me get this out. Ultimately, yes, a manship protect himself. But there are reasons why you can't sign a pre n up during the middle of sex. It won't be enforced. We're gonna throw this out because lifelong decisions shouldn't be happening in the middle of sex. So even if you come with the intentions of protecting yourself and in whatever,
in the middle of sex. In my life I've heard many times, hey take it off, and in the middle of sex, you're not thinking your brain off, you might do it. And so my point is, I do believe someone can go Obviously, people can go into this sexual thing without the intentions of creating a child. But it happens so much because I just think the way we design.
Sometimes she doesn't know he's married, because he's so out of any he's allowed to her. He's a lyned to the wife. He's lying to Jesus deeve.
Can I fight back on that? Can I fight back on that? Do sometimes you don't know he married? Yeah? Like I understand that. I understand that, don't get me wrong. But it's also now, what is your standards with time and availability? Before we talked about before you get invested enough in a man to allow him to have sex with you without protection. So you're allowing this man that that you don't know where he lived at, then you ain't never been over his house at that point, you
know what I'm saying. You probably only able to call every now and again because he can't pick up the phone. So y'all messaging and sneaking and to so like, it is now about you putting standards in place before you get to a certain level of intimacy that a married man, this dude would have to be. Who do need to be able to fool you in this situation? But oftentimes because we are, we are taking scratch from people. You're giving your body to a man that barely texted you back.
Be honest, this is what's happening because if this man has a full relationship, marriage and family, yes he may have some spare time, but it ain't that much. It ain't that much. If you can't call this man at seven pm and he pick up and talk to you for thirty minutes. He got a wife, our girlfriend at home. Guess what can't nobody call me? It talked to me for thirty minutes? You can't, and let's do in the middle of the day. You cannot do it?
She would let you talk to me?
Yes, she would, she would, she would, she would.
I want to hear from you as a man, how this lands, because it really is an inequality in income. There are many more high earning women. How do they? First of all, they think a man who makes less of them is dating down? But how compensate? How do what do we need to do as women to adjust for that? How do we as women navigate that? How do we and not become a labrat?
Put it simply before I get to how women can do it? Men, we have to do a better job because oftentimes a woman will give you a chance, but you feel inadequate in that relationship. Is something about that male ego and that pride she making more than you, and you become a different person in that relationship then in a relationship where you are the bread winner. So we have to do a better job at being more comfortable and learning our value outside of what we provide financially.
There are men that walk around that doesn't They don't feel like the man in the house because they're not providing more financially. But you can provide protection, you can provide peace, you can provide emotional security, and there's so many men that are not willing to be teammates. So before we can get to what women can do more, men have to really wake up and say, hey, listen,
it's twenty twenty three. I have to bring more to the table because what I make for a living may not be enough to keep this woman satisfied because she already has that. Now, when it comes to women, the argument, I get it, but there's now they could be lying to me, or it can just be the type of followers I have. But let them tell it. They've all quote unquote dated down, They've all everybody has given a
man a chance. They've done that, and so it's just about us when we do get that, don't feel like you're not a man in that situation. Now, for the women that struggle with it, now that you're not gonna
like my advice, I'm gonna just be real. If you are a woman that's self aware enough to know you can't date a man that makes substantially less thing you and be happy in that relationship and still respect him as a man in that relationship, do not enter that relationship because there are certain women that will try to trick themselves because they don't want to seem shallow. But you get in this relationship and now you're emasculating that man.
I hate that word, which you know what you're doing exactly.
Where I was going, because we got two movies about it. Defeat that praise and there's another one. But for the women, I would say, don't think because he makes less than you, that he is less than you. And things that women do whether he makes less or not. Number one, we're history majors, and we will bring up what you did back in fifty six of what you said. And the
other thing, this is the hear me, ladies. Women, I don't care if you're twenty thirty, forty, fifty sixty, I won't even talk about my age group when you remind him of how much you're doing. I paid a rent this mouse, I brought you that car. That is the emasculation, because inadequacy it's kryptonite to a man's soul.
And I'm gonna say this, I got to add to that, there's only one time a man can say this is my house to a woman before the relationship just changes. That's right, And that's one of the things I had to learn in my tuolage as a man like you got one time to say certain things before the dynamics, which you got it one time to make it seem like it's I'm doing all this before that woman looks
at you and trusts you differently. And the surprising part about this is there are women who have been in that situation and they've taken the abuse acted on them from a powerful man and now use that same abuse to act on someone else, which is mind boggling to me. Because if you come with that barado in a relationship, no matter if that's a man or a woman, the trust is fractured you. And here's the thing I will tell you about healthy men. I can't speak for the
tops of guys. But you got for a man that's in tune with itself, a man that respects himself. You got one time to say that in that situation, or he will shut down. And then you want to wonder why this man ain't opening up to you.
Yeah, and the thing is, they leave much creer us. We threatened to leave at least four times when they say they gone ay out. Yeah, I know, hold on, don't you dare move? Because I have a real juicy question I'm going to ask Ace right after the break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Ace, rapid Fire, you get together, he moves into her house. Good thing, bad.
Thing, bad thing. Okay, but you only gave me one choice.
No, But because this is what happens. See for me, the man's got to build a nest or we got to come together. We got to do it together. But has to be his and I'm coming into it. But so very often he don't have and he goes into hers. But that's whole other thing, rapid Fire. He just got out of jail, and you looking up with a good thing, bad thing, just got out.
We're talking bad thing, bad things, bad thing, about that a.
Little bit, because with love after lock up, love during lock up, people are going there. And for me, I think when he's coming out of that experience that I call God's vacation retreat center, and he's coming enter and back and he needs time to find his new self. He needs time to find his new self, not to be trying to please you and find his new self. That's just me.
Does that make sense? In perfect sense? Man didn't have his freedom until a month ago, you know what I'm saying, or two days ago, and so I think this is about adjusting to that. It's about getting back on your square, getting getting your life in order, and being able to
focus on that. I would question a man's priorities if right at that moment he's trying to enter a relationship, because at a space where you're supposed to be giving one hundred percent attention to you getting back on your feet, now you have to divide it between a woman and yourself. And it's hard in that moment to be able to be really good for both. So it can work, but can is not what I'm willing to risk my heart on.
If you waited for him, if you waited for him, three, four, five, six. I had a guest on the rd spot recently. Eight years you waited for him, and he comes out and within a year he's gone.
Listen, that man had no choice but to write you the letters. You were one of the women that was willing to correspond with him. And I even say this because I've had multiple boys that took a little vacation. People be thinking dudes in jail don't cheat. They cheat. It might not be physically, but they make another collect calls. Okay,
they running somebody else's phone bill up too. So my point is, even in those situations, it makes me feel bad because I understand you want to be there for this man as a friend, right, if that's what you want to do, if you're able to separate that, what it's eight years of your life for maybe and not even a good maybe. This whole waiting thing to me, I just don't get. Don't get waiting if this person isn't ready when you are ready.
You're not just talking about jail. You're talking about waiting for somebody in general.
Is that right in.
General for him to propose?
Yeah? Okay, see now you're loading the deck. Okay, if you got it, to do. If you are twenty two and you got it to do, you want to wait a few years, you can wait a few years and still just be twenty six and you still good. But some of us, a lot of us is in the thirties and forties. That waiting stuff is some young people stuff. If certain things I'm not waiting for you to do, I'm not waiting for you to be ready. You should have been ready on our first date. That's where I'm
at right now. You need to be ready from your finances together, this together. It's just where I'm at now. Other people may have different grace than me. But if I'm intentional about finding that marriage or finding that husband, I need you to be at least ready to do it now. Whether or not you know it's I'm your wife or I'm your husband, it's a different thing. But
I need you to be actively searching for that. And I just don't believe somebody in jail, Okay, I just don't feel like at that moment they're actively ready because they have to call you and you have to press zero and accept the charges. Now. I don't know if a zero or not because I never had that, But you get what I'm saying I.
Do, and let me just clean that up a little bit. We are not saying that the brothers who are doing UH in the vacation retreat center are not worthy or are not worth it. But I hear what he is saying. They're not ready. They're not ready. Even if you were his wife when he went in eight years, he may have never seen an iPad. He's not ready. And I think that to be loving and kind, you got to give people some time. Okay, rapid fire. He's got three babies mamas, and none of them are talking good thing,
bad thing. None of them are talking to him. He's not in relationship with none of the babies mamas or the kids. Bad thing, good thing.
Bad thing. When you said or the kids, that's a bad thing.
You did a video that said his relationship with you will determine how he treats his kids. And a bitter baby daddy is a dead beat.
Yeah, daddies are bitter baby daddies. I believe there are certain men who lack integrity a sense of responsibility that will predicate their relationships with the children based off of how they feel about you. And there are a lot of women that feel pressured. They feel pressured to keep access to their time, they body, and their energy with this man because they know if they take that away, he not gonna see the kid. And so my thing is, listen, I know it's both sides to a coin and all
this different stuff. It's gonna be guys like, but you don't understand my baby mama, three of them though you got three terrible baby bomas. That's keeping you away from all three of your kids. Three. And then here's the thing, even if all that was true, woman, you gotta ask yourself, what about me? Because obviously he got to I for pick of bad women. So I'm because if one, two, three, what about me? Do I sit in that mold? I
have to start questioning myself. So I just don't think it's a good idea to really date that guy in that situation.
That is hysterical. Okay, he's living with his mama for the past three years after his divorce. Good thing, bad thing, bad thing. Okay, he is in the midst of a divorce.
Good thing, bad thing, the dame then bad thing.
I think so too. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't have a vision good thing, bad thing, bad thing because if he can't see where he's going. Where am I following him to? Where am I following him to? Another thing that you talked about, you said you how do you heal from a toxic relationship? You said, remember that it was toxic? Yeah, and that is that's how you heal and that you got out of it and be grateful about that. But
here this is in rapid fire. But in a relationship, how do you identify what do I want to say? I want to say, how do you identify toxic behavior? And not just how a person is or doesn't.
Matter first, It's more importantly how you are feeling in this relationship. The reason why I say that is toxicity poison will affect you. Your body will tell you that this isn't healthy for me, because too often we try to get into judging that other partner, trying to label them. Now, people got the whole dictionary. The're gonna call them this, that and the other. But the point of the matter is how are you feeling inside? Is this draining to you? Do you feel more lonely now than you did when
you was outside of this relationship? Do you feel like life is heavier now? And is this stress coming from this person? Or caused by this person, intentionally or not intentionally. Sometimes we got to understand a toxic person can also just be a toxic person for us. That person can be pretty good for everybody else, but for me, this is toxic and this is why I have to leave.
So I say it just like listening to your body and paying attention to it, listening to your heart and pay not just your heart and your brain and paying attention to it.
We'll talk about that right after this. Brain Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. I think it's this thing Ason, I know we're going to get out of here in a minute. I think it's the thing where you said in one of your shows, certain men can't handle you, but there are others you can. And I think for us as women, off of women, I always put myself in it. Although I'm not looking for anything right now. It's this thing that we just
want to be chosen. We just want to be the one Daddy didn't choose us, we didn't get to go to the prom, or even if we did, ether side Eye and somebody else. We just want to be chosen from that place. I just want to be chosen from that place of I do I have to dumb myself down to get Somebody tell me the three major mistakes you think women, young women are making, particularly young women. What are the three major mistakes women are making when it comes to dating a partner. What are we doing?
Not getting out of the house, getting out of the house. I know it's scary outside. I know outside, ace, oh, outside, we have to get out the house. That real. That is the biggest thing. Because you're not gonna get your man off of Amazon. I looked it up yesterday. You cannot find tall, dark and handsome men on Amazon. They do not deliver these men. And so what happens is because we're not getting out trying new places, meeting new people, going to new countries. If you got it to do.
If we're doing the same church, we're doing the same gym, we're doing the same job, the same hangout spot, were meeting the same three dudes. And so what it does is it gives you this even over exaggerated perception that there's no one out there, and it as to your skel shitty mindset. I would just encourage people to get out the house, even if it's just for you because along you following your path and your purpose, you being social, You're doing things the tend to your mental health. You're
taking these trips, you might stumble across this person. So that's my first thing is I think most people are not actively dating. The reason why I say that is we be giving dating, are scrapped left over time and then we be expecting a whole husband like full results and nothing else in life work that way. So that's the first thing. The second thing is, I don't believe people have a I can't find the mister right problem. I think they have a eye hold on to the
mister wrong problem. I think we are holding on to missus and mister wrong for far too long. It is about letting go. Listen, I understand somebody may have tricked you, but as soon as they take that mask off, you gotta dip. As soon as you see something that you know violates your deal breaker, you gotta dip. And when you are giving that extra person three or four months, any times that by three or four guys, you done gave a year, two years more of your life that
you could have been available for your mister right. And then the third thing is and it's going the most, I guess the most. This is the most important thing. Date when your self confidence is high. And I know a lot of people are going to fight back on that, but I really mean you get the better results when you are If you are dating when you are broken. You know you are broken right now. You not really feeling yourself and I get it. You are looking for
your night and shining armor here. You are looking for that guy to do that. Guess who also go after wounded things, vultures. Your unhealed nature will attract people that's looking to take advantage of you. I want people to understand that. I get it. But there are resources, people, places that can help you get to a functioning level vote sufficient enough for your self confidence to be a protection during dating. Date when you feel like you are
a prize not just a participation trophy. All right?
Is lovely? Date when you feel like you are a prize not a participation trophy. Let me ask you this. This is just for me. I'm old.
Define dating dating Okay, it's a lot of different terms. You got to follow me here, Okay, Because in twenty twenty three, you got vibing, kicking it, linking, chilling, yeah, hooking up. You got all these yeah dating, and I want to put a I want to put a qualifier. Intentional dating, not recreational dating, not experimental dating. Intentional dating is when we are actively looking for a partner, and I think it's up to us to define what type of dating this person is doing. Make sure we got
the same definitions. Because you can say you're dating, they can say you're I'm dating. But a lot of people are experimental dating, are recreational dating, and here you are linking yourself. You're intentionally dating, looking for somebody to be a husband or wife, But they're recreational dating. They're just trying to get out the house and have fun. So we just need to make sure our definitions match up. It's too many terms and terminologies, So ask people plainly, Hey,
what are you dating for? Okay, and then I'm gonna tell you this. Let me tell you this an intentional man. Now the lady's gonna ask me where do I find this? Man? I don't know. If I do this, I'd be a billionaire if I knew where to find these me and that. Ooh, but intentional man, when you ask him, yo, what are you looking for?
What?
Are you dating? What's your intentions through dat? And they're gonna tell you, hey, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready. That's why you asked me all those rapid fire questions. I was saying, bad thing is because I want a man to be ready in his own lane wherever he feels like ready means for him. Because when you now daty, you may be thirty three at that point, you may be thirty four, whatever time, thirty five, where you wherever,
however long it took you to get there. When somebody asks you that, or when you ask that man, you're not running, he not running from you. He gonna be like, hey, listen, I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for something serious. You know what I'm saying. I'm looking for somebody I could deal with, you know what I mean. And he's not gonna run away from that. And the guys that do, you didn't need them in your life in the first place anyway.
All right, So those are the three things that women need to do. Get out of the house, dake, when your confidence is high. And what was the other one you said, when your confidence is high?
You asked me too fast? It was something like that, Yeah, yeah, you gotta g.
So now here's my other. I want you to give me three things for this. Okay, this is a big question, and I know you were talking general, but it's going on with you.
People can be I'm gonna be completely honest with you. These men are satisfied. Satisfied people rarely change. Men are more satisfied and fulfilled in the current state of dating. So what would motivate them to change and be better? So it's just it's a sad truth, but it's to I don't have to be better. I can mess up
here and another woman will still pick me. One of your clips, which is that I see often is when I guess on your show you had like it was like ten guys, but they had like eighty hundred kids between them.
As one he had thirty seven children.
And so my point is even and he might be a great guy, but just follow me here. Now I'm not gonna use him. But even in that situation, a woman will still pick that man. A woman will still be chosen by that man. And the problem with men is that women still will pick be will still deal with us. So there's no So now it makes you lazy, it makes you comfortable. It doesn't make you try harder and be better because you can be exactly who you are falls in awe and some women will deal with you.
And so that is our problem. So now when you talk about men not really embracing improving and being more emotionally available for women in twenty twenty three, because again we talked about finances are not enough to impress no more. Oh there's a woman right here that is still just take me as I am. So I'm gonna just deal with her instead of dealing with a woman I may actually want, but this makes me work for it, so
I'd rather the easy thing. So I think that is the major problem with a large portion of men, is that now for the men that are together, I think we still haven't balance what relationships look like. I can speak for myself. Let me not just speak for myself because I don't have children yet. But there are men that still have that traditional mind mindset but don't realize that they have to now be more than just their pocketbooks.
Now it's time to be in our child's lives. It's not just paying for the daycare, it's not just paying for things. In Disappearance sixty seventy eighty hours a week. Are you actively involved? There? Are you doing? We need to do so? I think it's too pronged. It's we can't. I'm gonna say this nicely. Women are not going to force us to be better. We have to want to be better for ourselves.
There must be consequences for bad behavior. You can't just continue to accept and accept and think it's going to change. What a sustaining to us is. There's no incentive to change. And women think of it in terms of lowering their standards, and I think that in terms of setting the water level to even expect a man to be at a certain level for himself. A man who doesn't have a vision, in a sense of purpose is not going to get one for you if he doesn't have one for himself.
I want him to have a purpose, a vision, what he loves, what he doesn't love, what he won't do. It's got to have a certain moral compass, a moral compass, all right. So that's what's wrong with men. They're satisfying.
Can I just add one more thing. It's gonna take five seconds.
Oh take as much time as you like.
We have to do better as men. Going back in our community and being there for those boys that don't have fathers. It can't just be that's not our problem, Like we be calling ourselves leaders and men want to be leaders so much, but are you getting back in that community and are you investing in sharing these young boys with men or how you define masculinity or what leaders or protectors look like are helping out? And that's
what's not happening. And I just would encourage, and I wish we could have a meeting, right, I wish we could have a get all guys together. We have a big meet and we talk about it. But in the meeting, we need to do that, man, because I feel like those of us who are responsible, those of us that does have standards and morals and know how, and we gotta be we got to pass that on in the absence of some of the brothers that ain't stepping up.
And I know a lot of brothers are doing it. I want to talk to the ones that are leaving and remain absent and leave with women who don't have what those boys needs. What do you have to say to them?
Man, the thief, you're right, Like, you're right, It's just there's no consequence. Single mom leave the kid undertended for forty eight hours, she go to jail. Dad lead a kid unattended for eighteen years. Nothing happens. That's right, because there's no real consequence. And then here's the thing. You can say, child supporter is a consequence, but you make it out cheaper. You actually make it out cheaper. So because I know I wish there was, here's what needs
to happen, and I do it myself. If you not taking care of your kids, you can't come hang with me. You just can't. You can't be in my circle at all. You can't be in my circle you're not taking care of your kids.
Brothers have to call brothers on that.
We have to change it. We can't expect because we can't expect women to solve a man issue. We ourselves because I'm gonna tell you this, and I don't care when nobody else think me and care about how other men view them. They do even more so sometimes and the women they with. If we step up and say, yo, we ain't messing with you, with you, if you ain't doing this, if blah blah blah, then that will inspire change.
But you leaving that single man thinking you're gonna change him when a thousand other women a daity is not gonna help. So I think we have to do a better job. And I also want to say this before you let me go. This was a complete honor of mine to be here. I was actually shocked that your team reached out and it just you got to understand this is a pretty big deal. I might get off here and cry on my couch because I'm feel like this,
because this is really a really cool thing. So I just want to thank you for this opportunity to come on here and speak to you.
Let me tell you something. I as an elder, I think it is my responsibility to be in touch with, to stay in touch with, to be on top of the youngins. So if I had never spoken to you, I see you doing something good. My responsibility is to pray for you. There's so many of you, and particularly young men, and as a great grandma, I've got to cover you because I know the society doesn't and I know you have your struggles and your challenges, and I've got a son and a grandson and a great grandson.
It tickles me. I love you all. You got a grandmother praying for you. Appreciate it, our spot family. I wish to give some snaps to Ace metaphor and thank him for being with us today, and just continue to
do your work. If you're out there listening, and listen before you get into your opinions and your upset so you do agree or disagree, go back, listen to this, hear what you need to hear for you and how you can implement it, because so very often we get so into our opinions and our agreements and disagreements that
the truth just passes over our head. Go back and to the elder you midwives in forty, at fifty, at sixty, you midwives ushering younger women in Hear what this young man said today and share it with the young women in your world. And I will see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace, not in pieces. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.