It Takes Power & A Plan To Be Done

I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There was a song, I think it was in the seventies or the eighties, Oh my god, I'm dating myself, and the song was breaking up. It's hard to do when you

Good afternoon, he almost thanks for having me on. My issue challenging dilemma is that I'm at an impasse in my current relationship. I recently told my partner that I didn't want want to participate in the marriage and wanted a divorce, and now we are at an impass of circular conversations about how we share feelings with one another. And I was told that I'm the bad guy and that I have ruined our relationship and it hurts, and I'm not sure how to move forward through the.

Process of us not being together anymore.

Okay, so you are going to go forward with the dissolution of the relationship. Is that accurate?

Yes? I do, he does not?

He does not. No, do you want to end the relationship? Is that what you want? Or is it that you just don't know how to stay in the state that it's in.

I think it's a mix of both. I think through therapy and through my own work, I've realized that I've been in the same circular conversation with myself and my therapist about leaving or staying or coming and going, and I am tired of complaining about it and living unhappily and I'd rather just make a decision and move forward.

Alrighty, So you're at it, impass. I don't know why if you've made the decision to leave the relationship, do you have your exit plan?

No?

Oh? Why not?

I think a little bit of fear. I mean, it took it took me two years just to finally let him know that I was ready to make that decision, and I think I was shocked and hearing how hearing that to him. No matter what we go through, no matter no matter how we operate as a couple, he will never leave me, and I will be the one that has to leave him.

All right, So let me ask this. Do you believe that the relationship can be healed? Okay? Well, that's it. Do are you willing to stand in that awareness? I don't believe this relationship can be healed.

Now that I don't know.

Are you willing to stand in that?

I'm not sure. I'm getting I'm feeling more comfortable and more aware that that's the place that I will need to stand. But it's it's.

Very hard, and it's why is it hard?

It's hard because I have to acknowledge my own part in the relationship and I have to deal with what those consequences will look like for me.

Okay, I want you to come present to this right now, moment, right here, right now with me, right now, right here. What color is the room that you're in? Are you in a room? What color is the paint on the walls?

I'm sitting in the car and the cars Inside the car is great.

Okay, Inside the car is grey? All right? What color is the car?

Car is white?

Okay? What's right in front of you? Look right out the windshield and tell me what is in front of you.

There's two trees in front of me.

Oh goody. Trees are wonderful. There are signs of strength. Take a breath. I want you to come right here, right now, because your conversation sounds like you're running from the past and afraid to run into the future. And you don't have to do either one of those. You got to be right here, right now, and let's look at this. Let's look at the belief that the relationship cannot be healed, fixed, changed. Is that a truth for you? No,

Yeah?

Is that what you want? Do you want this relationship to be fixed, heeled, changed, whatever it is? So that is livable?

No?

Okay, So now you you confused because if you believe that the relationship can be fixed, heeled or changed, that's one thing. But that's not what you want. So you want out for whatever reason? Correct you want out?

Yeah? I do. I want out, And I teeter back and forth, knowing good and well what i want and I'm scared.

No, you know what you want? You just haven't learned how to stand in it. So I'm gonna I'm gonna make it real simple for you. Because sometimes when you're running from the past and afraid of the future, you can't come present to right here, right now, it's hard to own your truth. So we're gonna own your truth, right Okay? Can we do that?

Yes?

Okay. So you're in the gray interior of a white car and there's a tree right in front of you. Focus on that tree. Focus on that tree. Just look at that tree. Does it have any leaves on it? Is it a pine tree? Oh? You know what kind of tree? Doesn't have any leaves on it?

It's like a pine tree.

Okay, So it does have leaves, Yeah, a pint those spruicy things, I don't know what you call them, needles? Needles? Okay, boy, you would have to be looking at a tree full of needles right now. Boy, you like to make things harder than they need to be, don't you. Okay, Focus on that tree. Focus on that tree, okay, okay, And I want you to see feel imagine that your partner is standing in front of that tree. You know what your partner looks like. Is it a he or she

He's wearing a purple and white like schlowy smock with white pans and a purple shirt.

Okay, good. Does he look nice?

Yeah? He looks great.

Okay, good. Take a breath, focus on him in that tree, and I want you to say this with me. Okay, I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done. Tell him again, I'm done. Breathe, yeah, say it again. See him in that purple shirt. I'm done.

I'm done.

Okay, what's happening? Yeah, I'm done. Where do you feel that in your body?

Like in the middle near my heart?

Okay, good, look at him again in the tree. Look at him in the in the tree. Say this with me. No right, no right, no wrong, no wrong. I'm done.

I'm done.

Love you and I'm done.

Love you when i'm done.

Done. Come on, say it. I'm done.

I'm done. I'm done.

Yeah, I've changed my mind.

I've changed my mind.

This is no longer what I want.

This is no longer what I want.

And I'm not who I want to.

Be and I'm not who I want to be when.

I'm with you. When I'm with you, I'm done.

I'm done.

Now, take take a breath and close your eyes and let him go. No heat, no upset, no anger, no fighting, no conversation. I'm done. And tell me what comes up for you? Having said that and seen that and experienced that.

Here is the first thing that comes up. And holding myself accountable is the next thing that comes up. What does that mean that knowing what I don't want, I have to go after what I want.

What do you mean holding yourself accountable?

I guess because I have felt like I have done some things wrong in the relationship, and I don't I want to make sure that for myself, I did everything I needed to do for this relationship.

How old is this relationship? How old is it? How long have you been in it?

Twelve years?

Whoa are you today? Who you were twelve years ago?

No?

Yeah, so you may have done some things that were less than loving, less than supportive, less than self loving, less than self supportive, but you did what you did based on who you were and the information you had at the time. Let me say that you did what you did based on who you were and the information you had at the time, and now you have new information, and that information is even though you believe this relationship can be healed, it is no longer what you want

That is very accurate.

So why can't you stand in that? Are you willing to stand in that? Let me not ask you why? Why is a question that can never be answered. Are you willing to stand in that? I am alrighty, we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the hard spot. We are continuing our conversation about breaking up, leaving a relationship. So talk to me about guilt and shame.

I have a lot of guilt and shame because hearing from my partner that I will ultimately have to make the decision that will in the relationship that makes me feel guilty.

No, no, no, you will ultimately have to make the decision that gets you what you want. That right there is emotional black mail. That's emotional black mail.

Yeah, I do feel that way. Sometimes I feel that I am targeted in a way that makes me feel like the bad guy or my fault because of what I want.

Bad guys use toilet paper and pay taxes just like everybody else. Bad guys use toilet paper. They're not getting off without using toilet paper, and they pay taxes just like everybody else. Yeah, take responsibility. As long as you see yourself as responsible, you will know how to respond. But the first thing you have to be responsible for is yourself. I'm done love you, but this is no longer what I want. I'm not being who I want to be in this relationship.

Yeah, and that's the hardest part for me.

What what's the hardest.

Part being responsible? Being responsible?

Okay mm hmm, Yeah, Why is that hard?

I think I think it's hard because it's it's it's scary for me to be responsible because then I have to take I have to take my life into my own hands. That that makes sense, And that's scary.

Yeah, yeah, it is because you might mess it up exactly and you might not and you might not. I'm going to take a stab here, and trust me when I tell you, I am so willing to be wrong. I am so willing to be wrong. But I can almost hear that your female caregiver, I don't know if it was your mom or whoever raised you, the primary female caregiver made you emotionally responsible for their feelings and their response. You make me feel okay, I know it.

I did all by myself.

Yeah, you know, beloved. Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking up is hard to do, and it requires a level of personal integrity and responsibility and courage, first to yourself and then to your partner, particularly when it's someone you love, because you don't want that person to hurt as a result of your choice. Would that be accurate?

That is very accurate.

But here's a hardcore decision that you have to make when it comes to hurting. If the choice is between you and me, I'm going to vote you be hurt, not me. You got to vote for you. You got to vote for you.

But I think I'm starting to realize that in the time that we've been together, how I took a step back from voting for myself.

M m. And now, now, what's.

The good part about leaving this relationship? What's the good part about leaving this relationship?

The good part for me is that I can start over mm hmm and make better choices.

Mmmm. Because now you're aware that you've made some poor choices and you want to make better ones.

Yeah. And I'm also aware of how I communicate and it can be done better, and I want to do it better.

So was that the major challenge in this relationship is communication?

Yes?

Well, what I would offer you is speak with fewer words. I'm done, love you, but I'm done. Maybe this can be fixed, but it's not what I want. I'm done. I'm done.

How do I navigate my partner or anyone else's reactions?

Why do you have to navigate their reaction?

I guess I don't.

I guess you don't. But you don't have an exit plan. You can't say the relationship's over done. I'm leaving and not have an exit plan. What's your extra strategy? Are you going to move out in three weeks? So? Do y'all have a house to sell? Is their property involved? Are their children? You got a dog? Who's getting a fish? Whose plates are they? Whose pots are they? What? Let's start dividing this stuff up.

Yeah, and I think I'm also scared because I feel like that will be my responsibility to make all of that happen.

Well, then you take what you want. Is the property involved?

There is? We have a house, but the house should in my name?

Oh okay? Do you want the house?

Yes?

So that means the partner has to leave? Is that accurate?

Yes?

Okay?

And when you have two dogs? We have no kids?

Because I'm glad y'all don't have no kids, because I'd have to ask you where did you get them? If one of y'all had a baby, I'd stay in this marriage and make billions of dollars. Okay, And you are legally married? We are? Have you filed for divorce?

I have not. I just told him two days ago.

Okay, are you ready to file the legal papers for divorce?

I'm ready?

Okay, So what is what is that going to take.

Me walking to the office and just filing them?

Okay?

And not?

You know not.

I think my biggest concern is not being afraid of his reaction and like letting that shake me and making me draw my line in the sand and backing up. I want to fand firm in my decision.

What you have to do is you have to create it and act it out in your head over and over and over until you can stand in it.

Okay.

So we know you want the house, so he's going to have to move. He has to move because it's your house.

Right.

How much time are you willing to give him to move?

Next? Month?

A year?

Oh?

Okay?

What about the dogs?

I'll keep the dogs.

Well, suppose he wants one, he can take what less for me? He wants both of them them? Okay, dogs can be split. Yeah, all right? What else do you have? You have a car? He has a car. It's a car in your name. His name car is in his name.

My car is in my name.

Okay, good, So that's that you work. He works? Is there going to be anything about financial support.

There will be because we do have some combined debt together, and I'm I've already kind of made a plan on how to.

Pay Okay, so combined debt. You understand how you're going to pay your portion? Yeah, you know, so you can start squirreling that away. What else? Furniture, pots, dishes?

I'll probably keep the all.

Okay. So when he says to you he'll never leave you, you're going to have to be the one that leaves. Are you clear about what he means about that?

I'm not?

And That's why that's where I struggle, because I'm not. I'm not clear.

Have you asked what do you mean by that?

Yes? And he's told me that beex won't make us make the relationship break up, and that because he loves me so much, he'll he's in it to stay to the end, and that he does it.

Well, this is the end. Yeah, this is the end. Are y'all still I want to say cohabitating, but like do you share bedroom and that kind of stuff?

We do? We still are. I told him the other day that, you know, if he wanted, you know, he didn't have to figure out who to stay with or where to go. He could stay in the other guest bedroom until we could work through like the finances and the dog and everything else.

And his response he didn't.

Want to stay, so he stayed with friends.

Okay, so he's out of the house.

Yeah, but he's been coming and going so far.

Why didn't you change the locks? WHOA Okay, you either you serious or you're not. Yeah, either you're serious or you're not. Because if you don't draw your line in the sand, and if you don't let him know, I'm done. I'm serious. We got to move this thing forward. I'm not going to spend another twelve years trying to break up with you.

And and I think because I am so scared of doing that. I am serious, But I'm also very scared.

Scared of what, scared of what beloved.

The unknown, doing it alone, facing the reality that.

See, you're running from the future. Come to this right now moment, in this right now moment. What are you afraid of in this right now moment, right here, right now, talking to me in the car, looking at the tree. When you're done, what are you afraid of in this moment?

What's next?

Another moment?

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

You're afraid of another moment. Okay, so stay stuck.

Something, Yeah, I mean.

That's what that's the other choice.

Yeah, that I can just say stuck.

Yeah, you can stay stuck. Kind of costly, very stress inducing, you know, just stay stuck. You can.

And that's not what I want.

Well it must be, because that's what you're doing. So let me run some things back by you and let's see. Let's see where there's a potential for us to work through. You're done. Twelve years in, made some mistakes, didn't always communicate well, made some poor choices, bad decision, but you're done. May be your fault, but you're done. This relationship may

That's accurate.

So what there gives rise to any fear.

The rise to fear is running toward my future.

And you've got some guilt and shame about some things in the relationship and you're done, and your partner's blaming you, and you're done, and your partner is not happy about the end of the relationship. And you're done, and you're done, and I'm done and afraid to what's next? And you're done, done, done, done, and it's hard and you're done. The question becomes, are

I'm done, Okay, Yeah, yeah, I just have to be willing, and I'm willing. I don't know if I'm ready, but I'm at least willing.

Well, you can't do it if you're not ready. Yeah, we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You know, when I talk about done DNE, it's an acronym for disciplined ownership that neutralizes experts. Disciplined ownership neutralizes expectations. And there's a part of you that expects this to be hard, and there's a part of you that expects him to overreact, a part of you that expects you

You realize some of the mistakes you made in relation to when you were married.

Yeah, in my case, our relationship could not be healed. After that divorce, I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about relationships. And this may be true for you, may not be true for you. We love each other dearly, We really do still to this very day. We're still great friends, to this very day. Took about three years for us to get there. We love each other, but we are not good together. It's not good for him, it's not good for me. Who I am is not

That makes a lot of sense.

Are you all good together?

We're not our best? No? No?

Okay, well that's it, and you don't have to be disciplined. Ownership neutralizes expectations. Own your stuff.

But that's what I will do.

And make your exit plan. Yeah, you got to make your exit plan and again write it out. Okay, I'm going to keep the house. We can split the dogs. I have a way to pay the combined debt. You know, I'm not moving. He's gonna have to move. How long does he need to move? And make it conducive to you? A year is a long time. I wouldn't be given no year. That's just me. I'm hardcore.

I'm from Brooklyn.

You sleep on somebody, yes, sleep on somebody's couch until you find a place to live. Now, it ain't my responsibility. And if it comes that he moves back into the house, into the guest room, because you're not gonna be in the guest room in your house. He's got to go in the guest room or not at all, and change the locks, not just coming and going and no no, no.

No, Yeah, it's gonna require me to take ownership.

Yes, very good, And that's what you talk to your therapist about. What do I need to own here so that I can move out of the shame and guilt and make this easier for both of us.

Okay, I'm writing my down and I will.

And yeah, and somebody who loves you, really really loves you, wants the best for you, would be willing to let you go ooh, even if it means they can't have you.

And sometimes I feel like he's not willing to let me go.

I want him to let me go.

He doesn't love you, then making his needs more important than yours. Yeah, you know there's a saying I don't remember it because i'm old, something about if you have something in your hands and you think it's yours, let it go and if it comes back to you, you know it was really yours. And if it doesn't, then you know, Yeah, if he really really loved you, if he really loved himself, he'd let you go. Because I don't want somebody who don't want me. I will not

Well, thank you.

What do you know now that you didn't know when you first called me? What do you know now?

I know now that I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings. Yeah, and I know now that I can do anything, and I know now that it will be hard, but it can be done.

Yeah.

How about do you know I'm done until you know that you're going to keep wavering back and forth? Do you know that you are done with this relationship?

Yeah?

So own that. Let me hear that I'm done.

I am done.

Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. Even though this relationship may be able to be healed, I'm done.

Yeah, even if it can be healed, I'm done.

Well.

I wish you the best, my love, And like I said, play it out in your head and work through all of the feelings first before you you know, make any loud pronouncements or whatever. Create your exit strategy, create your extra strategy before you try to speak about it. Be clear about it so that when it comes out, it's clear.

Okay, I will do that, ok.

Okay, my love, let me know how you make out. Okay, Okay, thank you, all right, my love, Bye bye. Well, when one person wants out and the other one doesn't, there is a high propensity to do. Emotional black man, if you had done this, then we wouldn't have this. And if you would only do this, we could do this. And look what you're doing to me, and I've wasted