You're listening to the micro version of The Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. Hey everybody, Nancy is away this week. I'm away this week. But we have got a full show ready for you.
I'm going to be a short intro though. Three things I wanted to quickly mention before you get to your questions. Thing number one, last week Louisiana became the first state to criminalize the possession of myth of pristone and misoprostol, the abortion medications I can barely pronounce. Now anyone in Louisiana caught with M&Ms without a prescription faces thousands of dollars and finds an up to five years in prison. And pregnant women, of course, in Louisiana, can't get a prescription because abortion is illegal in that state.
In all cases, including rape and incest. Pregnant women caught with a drug or pregnant women who took the drug are exempt from punishment. They can't be fined or imprisoned because as the New York Times, Grimley Notes, most abortion, bands and restrictions do not punish pregnant women because most voters oppose doing so.
So it's really people who took my advice in Louisiana who are at risk. My advice, of course, was to order these pills. Stock up, keep them on hand. They have a shelf life of two to five years. They're safe and effective for self administered abortions. And if you're one of the very rare women who have complications after taking them, M&M induced abortions are indistinguishable from miscarriages. So you do not have to disclose that you took these medications.
If you should wind up in the ER, which is extremely unlikely, sexually active people who are sexually active with opposite sex partners and the people who love them should keep these meds handy in the same way. People should keep emergency contraception handy. But anyone who does so now, anybody who keeps these meds on hand could wind up in prison, if say a shitty one night stand or an even shittier acts or an even shittier relative finds out they have these meds and turns them in.
So aunts and moms and best friends are going to wind up in prison as well women who aren't pregnant but ordered the pills online in case they might need them at some point, which is still legal to do. You can still order these pills online and have them shipped in Louisiana. You just don't want to get caught with them by the cops in Louisiana.
And if Republicans thought abortion bans were unpopular with voters and they are as Republicans have learned over the last couple of years, wait until they get a load of how voters feel about seeing their aunts and best friends and gunkals getting arrested.
Thing number two on my list of things I wanted to quickly touch on at the top of the show this week goes out to my fellow homos right after you go to plan C pills dot org to stock up on M&Ms yourself in case your favorite niece or best friend from work or a little sister ever needs them.
Go get your ass vaccinated against monkey pox or Mpox the virus formerly known as monkey pox there has been a big uptick in cases in the US over the last six months among men who didn't get vaccinated during the 2022 outbreak or only got one shot of the two shot monkey pox regimen.
If you are one of the one in four gay and by men who didn't get vaccinated get your gay ass fully vaccinated now if you only got the first shot go get the second the CDC is raising the alarm about monkey pox not just because we're seeing an uptick right now of the monkey pox strain that caused men to experience painful and sometimes disfiguring outbreaks of sores on their rear ends genitals and faces.
But because there is a new strain of monkey pox raging right now in the Democratic Republic of Congo that's far deadlier and more dangerous if that new strain which can like the previous one be sexually transmitted if that new strain should find its way to fulsome or board your next gay cruise we are in for a world of hurt.
The 2022 strain had a very low fatality rate there were 30,000 cases roughly in the United States and 42 deaths in the 12 months after the outbreak began that's a fatality rate of 0.001%. The new strain everyone is worried about has a fatality rate of 5%.
A similarly sized outbreak of the new strain in North America could lead to hundreds or even thousands of deaths. Now I don't want to be needlessly alarmist we would probably see a lower death rate here that in the Democratic Republic of Congo if this new strain found its way over probably I mean we have a shitty but functioning health care system so 5% probably a worst case scenario.
Do we want to fuck around and find out we do not we want to fuck around yes we do and we can fuck around without finding out exactly how lethal this new strain of monkey pox might be if it got here if everyone who's at risk gay men by men men who have sex with men who do not identify as gay or by went and got vaccinated.
Alright quickly thing number three the hump 2024 part one spring tour wraps up this weekend with shows in Nashville Minneapolis and Austin and for folks who couldn't join us in the theaters for hump 2024 part one it will be streaming online after June 3rd for tickets to a screening in any of those three cities this weekend or to get streaming passes after June 3rd go to humpfilmfest.com and hey this is your chance British Columbians to see the film.
And the government censors in your province didn't want you to see and hump 2024 part two which is 25 brand new hump films premieres in Portland in Seattle in September before heading out on tour. Alright coming up on the micro tons of your cues lots of my a's and joining me on the magnum doctor Evan Goldstein returns to talk about his new book his first book but seriously the definitive guy to anal health pleasure and everything in between.
I talked to doctor Goldstein about course anal pleasure and health I also talked to doctor Evan Goldstein about how he got into. Doctering but holes in specific and then doctor Goldstein sticks around to take a couple of sex questions with me to hear my interview with doctor Goldstein become a magnum sub now at savage dot love. Alright if you're already a magnum sub show starts now if you are not yet a magnum sub you got to listen to a few ads and then we start the show.
Then oh my god hot so here's the deal I did some sex work in my early twenties and I am considering getting back into sugar baby now and I have two questions that are kind of related.
The first one is back in the day I used to use a site called seeking dot com but still exists but it seems like it is a lot of scammers now I'm wondering if you or any colors know some good platforms that are little less gave me the question is I really don't know if this is going to be realistic impossible but I want to let you know what it is that I am hoping to offer people.
I guess basically the things that I'm interested in willing to trade for money are time attention flirtation if there's somebody that is super shy and needs to build their sexual confidence there's somebody that needs a confidant I'd be happy to talk to people about kink and even explore you know explore some like kink with folks when it comes to sex.
I am genuinely not interested in promising my policy to do one for sex that said I'm open to it if there's actual chemistry and trust in addition to them financial exchange but that one would have to calm that one would have to come with time and truthfully I could see it being a huge turn on for someone to be spending on the that in a way that would make me more likely to want to sleep with them but I am because
honestly because of some of my traumatic experiences with sex or a young person I'm not trying to recreate a situation where you know I feel like I have to put some of that. So does that sound even really realistic and if it does how would you put that in a add.
The best platform is for people who are interested in being sugar babies or hiring sugar babies so I'm going to toss that question out to the listeners if anybody out there has some idea has some recommendation what is the sugar baby platform of the moment where people aren't being creepy and it's not weird ask your question.
Alright so you don't want to have sex or you don't want the expectation of anybody who might hire you basically as a paid companion that's kind of what you're offering here paid companionship and you don't want someone to come in with the expectation that you're going to fuck them now most people who hire sugar babies who pay sugar baby rates are expecting a kind of transactional girlfriend experience that does include also sometimes a boyfriend experience that does
include sex so sex isn't something that you want the other person to expect sex is a place you might be willing to go if the chemistry is there so put that I wouldn't put that in your actually what you should put in your add is no sex paid companionship dates hanging out flirting time attention you can practice your game with me and I will give you feedback and I will
I will stop you with the action and attention but no sex what you want to do is set their expectations add no sex so that they're not pressuring you now trying to get into your pants and then if you decide that this person who's paying you is somebody that you might want to fuck if the chemistry is there then you can They're surprised them by offering to fuck them. Now, most people who go to sugar baby websites are seeking sex.
So you'll probably get less bites, you'll get less interest than women who are offering, and men who are offering the full sugar baby transactional affection, boyfriend, girlfriend, experienced thing, including sex.
But considering your history in sex work, the trauma that you talk about in your past experiences, doing sex work, which sounds like they were rooted in the expectations that your clients had of you, fewer offers might be better, and waiting for the right offer from the right guy who is mostly after the girlfriend experience, and not after the sexual experience. It wants the dating, wants you to be a paid companion, which is a thing that some people do want.
Waiting for those rare bites would be better than a lot of bites from guys whose expectations are going to feel for you like pressure, pressure to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to engage. And so in your ad, take sex off the table. Sex is not going to happen. Be explicit about that. And then again, you decide to go there, if they're paying you and you're into them, the chemistry is right.
Maybe part of what peaks your sexual interest in them is the fact that they are paying and that turns you on and that does turn some people on. And you want to fuck them. You can say so, and they can be pleasantly surprised rather than waiting around. Hey, Dan, Sister Gender Gay, man coming to you from Brooklyn, New York. I got reacquainted with the podcast about a year ago when a buddy of mine was waxing poetic about the GGG and my backyard.
I've enjoyed your podcast a good bit since then, and a really taken note of your quiet advocacy for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy within the podcast. So even your commercials, you know, tout a little bit about your husband and your boyfriend and his boyfriend, and that seems so wonderful. But as a man on the ground here who's single and trying to figure out my life here at age 54, I've yet to really meet in real life anybody who's made the poly thing work.
I, a couple years ago, fell madly in love with married polyman. He seemed to have it all together, knew what he was doing. I met the husband, you know, hung out with him, and I really thought we were building something. And then when my feelings got to be a little too strong, it was over. Exactly same thing happened to a female friend of mine when she tried to date a married polyman.
Now more recently, I was in a situation where I met a married couple and one of them really kind of fell for me really quickly. And when I asked about their status, where they opened, where they poly, whatever, it opened this whole big thing within their marriage that they then had to address and became a real problem for them. And just that simple shift from open to poly was not something they could do. And me just kind of suggesting it created a problem.
So my question here for you, Dan, my friend is, what's the GGG of polyamory? What's the simple, easy to remember, set of rules for someone intrigued by this relationship style to approach it? My advocacy for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy has been called a lot of things, but quiet? I don't think it's been quiet. My advocacy for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy and my advocacy every once in a while for not exactly ethical non-monogamy has been loud and long, cut-coffinous.
All right, you wanna know whether or not polyamory. Try out relationships, thruples, I think that's what you're interested in. If those ever work, define work. Too often when it comes to relationships, we define work as somebody's dead. Two people together, married, one dies. The relationship is a success. Two people together, they part, they divorce, they separate, ah, that relationship was a failure.
So you were involved with a couple for a while and you thought you were building something great and then suddenly it was over. Well, if you'd got run over by a bus the day before that relationship ended while you still thought it was working great, you would have gone to your grave thinking that that relationship, quote unquote, worked, worked out because nobody got dumped because it didn't end with everybody getting out of it alive.
It ended because somebody wound up in a box at a funeral home. I think that's a perverse definition of a relationship working out. And they give two or more people or together for a while and they lived and they laughed and they loved and they learned and they grew and then they parted even if the parting was bumpy and they can be friends or even if they can't be friends and that's not always possible, they remember the relationship fondly.
I think that relationship, even if it didn't last until somebody was dead or everybody was dead, I think that relationship worked. Okay, all that said, the shift from open to poly, that can be very bumpy. The shift from monogamous to open can be very bumpy.
It's often the case that one person wants to open the relationship and they have to have a kind of relationship extinction level event, risk conversation with their partner about opening the relationship and the partner may agree to open the relationship to save the relationship and agree reluctantly to open the relationship. And for a while, it's very fraught.
And then that couple grows into an open relationship that both partners are happy to be in and sometimes they even forget whose idea it was in the first place. The same basic sort of steps often play out when a couple in an open relationship makes the transition sometimes rocky from open to poly.
One person has been hooking up regularly with someone else and his catching feelings or the person that they're with no longer is satisfied being just relegated to some meaningless limbo state where they can't have a word like boyfriend attached to them because it's a threat and yet they function in the life of the person, if they're only dating one half of the couple that they're seeing as a boyfriend, they want the gong, they want the honorific, they want the OBE, they want boyfriend.
And then just like one person had to go to the other person and broached the subject of openness, one person has to go to the other person in their primary relationship, a person whose feelings they can't take for granted, whose matters to the most in the world and say to them, hey, so and so is more than just a friend with benefits of peace on the side, a come dump, so and so is my boyfriend?
Yeah, and that can get bumpy and the couple may decide to close the relationship back up and maybe that's what happened to you. And what does that mean? Does that mean polyamorous relationships never work out? No, not necessarily, but if you're entering into open relationships and hoping to progress to polyamorous relationship where you're one third of the threpple, all right, you may have unrealistic expectations about that difficult transition that you're asking that couple to make.
You have the option of seeking out couples who are already open to polyamory, who have some experience with polyamory and they're out there. But if you're just dating guys, hooking up with guys, being FWBs for guys who have husbands at home where sex with others is allowed, but an emotional connection is gonna be regarded as a threat. Yeah, most of those relationships unlikely to work out. But GGG for polyamory, I would say GGG for polyamory is just like GGG for monogamy.
Be good giving in game, be considerate, be kind, don't take people for granted, use your words, it all applies. The other thing I think maybe going on here is a certain amount of confirmation bias. When it comes to polyamory, open relationships, if it doesn't work out, everybody goes, ah yeah, those polyamorous, those open relationships, they never work out. And when it comes to monogamy, when the relationship doesn't work out, nobody says.
Except for me, everyone's in the while, maybe monogamy was the problem. Maybe opening that relationship could have saved that relationship when a monogamous relationship doesn't work, when it fails, people fault the individuals involved. If only to say that they weren't right for each other and no one's to blame, but it didn't work out because these two people weren't right for each other.
They want a polyamorous relationship, from three people, when that comes to shit, people go, ah yeah, polyamory, never works out. If you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, if you want to be some couple's hot third, you might want to examine your investment in that particular kind of confirmation bias where polyamory is concerned, because you're not gonna wanna carry that bias into any polyamorous relationship that you're in because it will undermine it, it will sabotage it.
Your sex life is important. People don't get that message enough. I've made it my mission in life, deliver that message, and again, as loudly as I possibly can, in every possible way, your sex life is important. But if you ever act out this function, you might not be prioritizing getting medication to treat it and you should, because say it with me, your sex life is important. With hymns, you can get treated for ED without stepping foot outside your door.
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Hardmints are chewable compounded products which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if appropriate. Districtions apply, see website for details and important safety information, subscription required, price varies based on product and subscription plan. Hi Dan, I'm an early 40s female in a relationship with a man in his early 50s.
We've been dating for about a year and living together for 10 months and in his been an incredibly rocky and stressful relationship. Lots of fighting, lots of verbal abuse and just lots of trauma and pain both from the relationship and hangovers and both our childhoods. But throughout all the fighting in chaos we did have great insects which kept us connected even when we were fighting and kind of on the verge of breaking up.
But now things, the last couple months things have been calmer, more emotionally stable, no more verbal abuse and he now has no libido. We haven't had regular sex for over four months. He has turned me down for sex so many times that I've just stopped trying. And so after all we've been through and after the way he has treated me I'm just feeling so undesired, unloved and really, really frustrated.
I mean, this is coming off of the heels also of a 10 year marriage on my part where I had just bad sex for 10 years and I'm just feeling so frustrated and sad. I just really want to have a good sex life especially while I'm feeling so energized and passionate and alive. I know he's getting to an age where hormones are going to affect a sex drive. So I want to be sensitive understanding especially because I know that's going to happen to me one day. But I'm also just dying for sex.
And I'm feeling just less intimately connected to him as the weeks go by. And it's so hard to talk to him about it because he's really not able to be empathetic to how this is affecting me. He really struggles to talk about it and gets mad at me when I express any struggle about it myself. Dumping him over this feels harsh but I also realize it's not just about the lack of sex now but certainly about all that came before it.
So just right now I'm trying to figure out where should I draw the line between staying in this or between being supportive and hopeful that he can figure this out because he is trying. I know he's trying and I know he does want his libido back. But between that and then making my sexual needs a priority can I do both somehow without dumping him? For what it's worth, I really can't see him ever being okay with an open relationship. So I don't think that that's even an issue to consider.
On no planet in no timeline was I going to recommend to you opening this relationship to save it. Fuck this relationship verbally abusive, stressful, lots of fighting. You can't even talk with him about this very important issue. Lady, even if the sex was great, even if he was nailing you on the regular and pounding it out and it was awesome, I would be telling you to get the fuck out of this relationship. You've been with him for a year. You moved in 10 months ago.
That means you moved in after dating this person for eight weeks, which is a foolish thing to do as you now know. As I would have told you if you'd called me 10 months and two weeks ago, I would have told you not to move in with this person yet because at eight weeks or six weeks you barely know someone. I'm not blaming you, not blaming the victim. He's an asshole. He is not a nice person. He has treated you badly and you should end this relationship.
And even if the relationship was low conflict and he still enjoyed each other's company, it is perfectly legitimate to end the sexual and romantic relationship, especially a sexually exclusive one, if the sex isn't there. If you aren't sexually compatible, if you aren't sexually satisfied, you are not obligated to stay because sex is somehow trivial. And as I've said a million times before, is sex is so trivial and so unimportant that you can't end a relationship because the sex isn't good.
Why is sex so important that you can't do it with anybody else if you're in a relationship, which is not me advocating to you to try to open this relationship, to get your sexual needs met elsewhere. I want you out of this relationship. It does not sound like a good or fulfilling relationship. You were describing your experiences over the last 10 months since you moved in together and your voice was trembling. Sounded like you were going to cry.
Then you get to sex, also a problem, not the real problem. The real problem is the mistake you made. The real problem is him that he is not good or kind. And the longer you let prioritizing his feelings, his insecurities over your own desires and your own right to be in a loving relationship with a kind and supportive, if imperfect partner, the longer you prioritize his feelings, the longer this is going to drag out,
then you're going to get into that sunk cost fallacy corner where you let it go on for another year and then you're like, I can't leave this relationship even though this sex isn't working and I'm unsatisfied even though he is an asshole, I can't leave this relationship because I've already invested two years in it and now I'm in my mid-40s. And so, ah, no. And it now. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
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Hey Dan, my situation is that my partner's 11 year old son, who lives with us 50-50, has been stealing my underwear and it's given me a complex about the sex that I have with my boyfriend because now I'm afraid of his son overbearing us or even just thinking about it and I'm just as you've clicked out about the whole thing and was wondering if you had any tips on how you get out of my head about it.
I understand that the days that they're not with us, that we can be together, but also sometimes when they are with us, I wanna fuck my boyfriend to brains out.
It's almost as if when we grow up, we stop down the memory hall, all these awkward realizations or early childhood experiences where we, as adults, forget how creepy and weird kids can be as they're hitting puberty and becoming developing a kink or developing some sort of sexual awareness of the adults and what they're doing around them and that can be squeaky for all involved but it's temporary.
Kids 11 now, a few years go by and we'll be over less and in your house less and in your face less than an 11 year old and you'll have more privacy and more time and more distance, literally, physically, emotionally from this kid than you're able to do now
and the fact that this kid is stealing your underwear and violating your privacy and a kind of bank shot way making you aware of the fact that this kid is having sexual thoughts that either involve you or the underwear is symbolic of you or the underwear is just women's underwear and he's fascinated by it or wants to wear it or wants to touch it and it's irrelevant that it's yours, you're just the most convenient source.
It's squeaky to think about that shit but like there are, you know, adults out there, adult men out there who have enormous panty collections or panty fetishes or across dressers and those adults had early childhood experiences and did shit in childhood that adults around them
were aware of and turned a blind eye to or adults around them were aware of or made aware of and had to have an awkward conversation and a little bit of a confrontation with the kid about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate and boundaries and respect. And I think that's the conversation that not you at the conversation that this kid's other needs to have with this kid.
You know what you know and you know what he's done and he needs to know that what he's done is not okay and that this kind of behavior if he continues to do it like literally in some places could land him on a sex offender registry and so which I think is crazy but you don't want this obsession
with getting his hands on through deceit, women's underwear to not be checked and not be checked I think in some ways I'll go by a little bit of shame he may not be aware that you're aware and knowing that you know could be so mortifying to him that he never does this to you at least again and then in adulthood he assembles his panic collection in a way that doesn't violate anybody's privacy or a sense of safety in their own home.
You know it may be right now he's stealing your underpants because he has no way to get his hands on women's underwear any other way and you know when he's 17 and has an Amazon gift card he may be able to order some on his own and not have to be swiping his father's girlfriends underpants like this. Your boyfriend needs to talk to his son about what he's doing and why it needs to stop and stop right now. And then you know how do you fuck the shit of your boyfriend when the kids are in the house?
You try to forget the kids are in the house you try to find those moments when the kids are with you but not at home. You raise free range kids who are allowed to be out of your site and not being supervised every minute by their parents and the other responsible adults in their life so that you do have some alone time with your boyfriend and you can fuck the shit out of him then and it's a blessing that he doesn't have full time custody and they don't live with you seven days a week every week.
So you have plenty of time to fuck the shit out of your boyfriend and then sometime when they're there or maybe you don't feel like fucking your boyfriend you don't feel safe fucking your boyfriend and you can just let the erotic tension build and then fuck the shit out of your boyfriend the minute the kids are gone. This episode of Subject Love Cast is brought to you by Euphoria, Makers of Products for amazing sex.
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Hey, Dan, I'm the crew, bisexual guy in the Southeast here. I've been married to my wife for about 15 years. And we've recently run into an issue that is both a marriage issue and a parenting issue all wrapped up into one. So I had in the fair with a coworker about 12 years ago. It was a brief affair, no intercourse, about two or three weeks long. The whole thing blew up. I told my wife, the affair partner told their spouse. We told our shared employer, the whole thing went sideways.
And we've been recovering ever since. And my wife and I have had marriage counseling with that individual therapy. We've talked about a lot of apologize a lot. We've done many things to try and bring healing to this issue from 12 years ago. Well, we have kids too. Our kids are now 10 and 13. Well, recently we were watching a TV show and there was a major plot point about instability. My wife was upset and uncomfortable. I texted her and gave her an acknowledgement of her pain over Texas.
And hey, if you want to take a break from this, if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you. Just let me know. We can talk. And you're watching this with our children. Our children's request. They didn't know about all the pain and all of the baggage. Well, later on, I thought I handled this right. I thought I'd given her reassurance and comfort, and she's discreetly. She tells me that she thinks I need to be more open with our kids.
And I should have paused the show as a time for dad to give us a life lesson on his affair from 12 years ago that the kids never would know about, because again, they're 10 and 13. So what extent do I owe my kids to be in franchise to my life's biggest mistake, my biggest regret in life? And what extent are they supposed to be exposed to that? And how much should I open up to them about that? When I'd rather heal, move on, and move forward, I'm just lost here.
I really don't know what to think as a parent and as somebody who has monumentally screwed up in the past. Your kids don't need to know about those. To no extent do your kids need to know that you had an affair before they were born and you and your wife worked through it in counseling. No, no, you don't need to tell your kids about this. But you're gonna have to talk to your kids about this because it seems that your wife wants to talk to your kids about this for reasons.
I think you might need to unpack back in couples counseling again. I would hurry back to couples counseling to discuss and unpack this new issue. I think you did the right thing. You're watching the show, in fidelity at your kids request with your kids and fidelity comes up, it's a plot point. And at that moment you've discreetly texted your wife to check in to see if she was okay.
And she complains that you didn't stop the show and treat it as a teachable moment where you could teach your kids that you were achieving piece of shit. I imagine that if you had stopped the show and brought it up, your wife would have objected to that too because I think your wife has unresolved issues here. I don't think actually you could have done the right thing in that moment. Anything you could have done would have done should have done in that moment would have been the wrong thing.
Because what your wife wants is a reason and excuse to out you to your kids is a cheating piece of shit to bring them to bring your kids into this part of your marriage where your kids don't belong and won't want to be, it's going to complicate their relationship with you in a way that's not just unfair to you but unfair to them. They're a little too young to understand how complicated adult relationships can be.
They're also at 10 and 13 at this stage of life where I think kids are particularly vulnerable to marital upheavals and their parents relationship. And you want your kids to feel secure and they're family and they're home-life, secure in the solidity of their parents' marriage.
And they're not going to feel that way if your wife picks this moment to out you as having once committed adultery and then doing everything right, seeking individual therapy, seeking couples counseling, working through this together and choosing your wife, choosing to stay in this marriage not to stay in this marriage but have kids after the infidelity and stay in this marriage and your wife needs to take some responsibility for that choice.
And you can't as the guilty party in the affair spend the rest of your life in the doghouse. Look, something's up with your wife right now.
She's having big feelings and maybe this moment where it seemed that she was going to weaponize your relationship with your kids against you for some reason that is a mystery to me and probably a mystery to you right now is just your wife demanding some attention be paid and that there were still things you needed to unpack and process with the help of a couple's counselor.
If your wife decides to tell your kids, that's not something that you're going to be able to control but at the very least your wife owes you a couple of conversations with the couples counselor before she tells your kids about the affair that you had before they were born. Just thinking about your question, thinking about your predicament, this seems like a long game here. And there's some desire for punishment that your wife still has.
She wants to inflict on you now some additional penalty that the affair that you had not only damaged your relationship with her but she wants to ensure that you pay an even steeper price and this affair damages your relationship potentially with your kids because they will see you as the villain in this piece. Now at 10 and 13. At 20 and 23, they might feel differently.
They might see your, their mom having brought them into this dispute for what it was, which was the weaponization of the kids against one parent by another parent, which is never okay whether the parents are divorced or still together. Time for a little listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment thread at savage.love. Says Ted the bell hop, I'm repeating myself here, but I love it when you get a comedian guest star.
Rachel Feinstein was great. I agree. Rachel was great. Such a great guest. I had so much fun talking with her. And if you liked her on the love cast, you're going to want to watch her special up now on Netflix. Big guy. Regarding the call from the woman who felt conflicted about the relationships she had with a 24 year old man when she was a teen, Marsh LC says, I was a very sexually active teenager, mostly with men in their 20s. Sometimes I was exploited. Sometimes I was doing the exploiting.
I suspect that if the caller stops telling herself a story about being groomed, she might see that he was pretty young too. And it was just a somewhat unhealthy early relationship for both that is now over. Something almost all of us have experienced. About the caller whose boyfriend was freaking out and shaming her about her body count, think of me, Jig writes, I think it's a big assumption that a guy who doesn't want to hear about his partner's body count is being sexist.
Hey, wouldn't it be fun and sexy to tell each other about our past experiences is a perfectly reasonable thing to say? But so is actually, it makes me uncomfortable to think about you with another person. Not wanting to engage in a particular form of erotic storytelling that his partner likes is not all by itself evidence of sexism. Well, think of me, Jig, I actually, I do agree with you that it's not always evidence of sexism.
If somebody's not comfortable having conversations with a new partner about their past sexual experiences or relationships, but in the case of that caller's partner, yeah, I think it was fucking sexist. And I think he was fucking sexist. All right, for more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session where I respond to listener and reader comments, goes up almost every Thursday at savage.love. And now listener response calls.
Hey, Dan, I'm calling regarding the caller who has the boyfriend who says that he's in recovery for sex addiction and didn't want to hear about her sex history. I have a different interpretation of what's happening instead of either he identifies as a sex addict or he is a sexist gay. I think that there's something kind of in between. Sex addiction sort of identifies itself with shame a lot of time and it survives lots of shame.
I've noticed that a lot of folks who identify as sex addicts the center scene around sexual history and sexual autonomy is shame. I'm wondering if he has had sexual experiences that bring up a lot of shame for him. And so identifying as a sex addict is something that has helped him cope with that shame or at least think he's coped with it.
But the issue is it sounds like he's projecting a lot of that onto his partner and it can be threatening when you feel shame and the person around you does not. So I would say that they should enter the couple therapy and see if they can talk about that and why hearing about her sexual history activates his feelings of shame. Hi, Dan Nancy and all. I am calling in response to the lesbian mom who was lamenting how Mother's Day ended up feeling for her and her wife.
I will say that what my wife and I do is that she gets Mother's Day, I get Father's Day and what I mean by that kind of to Dan's point is not so much that we make a big celebration out of either day as much as we do a couple of small things. I make my wife breakfast in bed on Mother's Day traditionally but I do that sometimes anyway. But we know that she's going to get that that day. And then on Father's Day, she might do that, she might not do something small.
But what we've done as well that I think is actually maybe part of what you're looking for is we tell everyone else in our lives that that's kind of how we do it whenever people bring it up or we talk about it, we always say, oh yeah, she gets this day, I get that day. And that way on that day, I get texts from people saying, I know Father's Day is your day, happy Father's Day and she gets text saying, happy Mother's Day and we get the recognition on the social media and all that stuff.
So it's actually more about other people recognizing our relationship to our kids and the specialness of that that we end up getting out of the day. And that can be really gratifying and that can be feel really normalizing and like a celebration of our whole family as opposed to what Dan was saying about making it sort of a grandiose event. And I think, Collar, what I heard you saying was that you had expectations of feeling of specialness and I just think that's a way to get that feeling.
This is a response to the discussion about tea bagging. Dan, as a fellow person who loves this discuss, Greek and French active and passive roles, I feel like this discussion was a great time to bring up a new role to do a thing that you also have to do, which is coin phrase, British active and British passive. Because what says more British than tea bagging? And we're going to leave it there. We've got three ways for you to ask your questions or comments for future shows.
You can record your question at our website, savage.love-ass-dan, or you can make a voice memo on your phone and email us your question, or your comment to qat-savage.love, or you can call our landline and leave us a message at 2063022064. We will see you this weekend in National Minneapolis and Austin for the closing shows of Hump 2024 Part 1's tour, Hump 2024 Part 2, 25 brand new Hump Films, premieres in Portland in Seattle in September before heading out on tour.
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