You're listening to the microversion of the Savage Lovecast at Savage.loaf. Who was up or down or winning or losing or who needed to score the next? I don't even know what you call it. Run, basket, touchdown, goal. I know how scoring works in the four bigs. Baseball basketball football soccer, but tennis. All I know about tennis is nice thighs.
Anyway, the movie, as you must know by now, is about a love triangle between three hot people or a love hexagon between six nice thighs. Besides thinking, what is the score? I kind of need to know the score right now. They're showing me the score in this box on the screen and assuming I know what it means, but it might as well be in hieroglyphics. Besides thinking all of that over and over again. The only other thing I could think while I watched this movie was, why do straight people
have to make it so weird? These three nice straight kids and their six nice thighs could have had a nice normal poly triad with a little MM action now and then, a little make-out sash now and then between the boys to turn their girl on. But no, we couldn't have that. Couldn't have a nice normal
throttle. We had to have a deeply conflicted fucked up love triangle with rivalries and infidelities and tennis scores. Monogamous people love to say how exhausting polyamorous relationship sounds too much processing too much scheduling too much emotional labor so much work. What challenges gives us what challenges gave us in place of the three.
We were promised in the trailer that doesn't actually happen in the film is a portrait of a monogamous relationship that requires way more emotional labor and processing than any thrupal ever did. I was so emotionally spent after seeing challenges that I had to relax after the movie by starting a fight on group text with my husband and both of our boyfriends and through your four of our special guest stars.
Anyway, there was no three-sem and challenges have I mentioned repeatedly for weeks now that there is no three-sem and challenges. So that wasn't a surprise. I was not surprised by that. But the brief scene featuring CBT that did take me by surprise. I'm probably not going to see challenges again. Well, not until someone can explain to me how tennis scoring works. But I am going to watch the gift of Joshua Connor slapping Mike face hard dick again and again for the rest of my life.
All right, before we start to show something serious to sitting US senators Tim Scott and Marco Rubio, both in vertebrates hoping to be chosen as Trump's VP went on TV over the last week and refused to say whether they would accept the results of the 2024 presidential election if Trump doesn't win.
And another sitting US senator JD Vance went on TV this weekend and endorsed the policies of the Hungarian authoritarian prime minister Victor Orban, who is a fascist who has destroyed the independent media, attacked academic freedom, torn up the Hungarian constitution and backed Putin in his war on Ukraine.
You know, if you're an American of a certain age, you remember when Republican politicians argued over and over again repeatedly forever in every presidential election that America was the greatest country in the history of the world. And any suggestion that we might be able to learn something from another country. Any suggestion that there was any room for improvement here in the bestable possible republics.
And that some other country might have figured something out that we hadn't figured out for ourselves yet was cast as unpatriotic nearly treasonous. And today the entire dog shooting GOP isn't just lined up behind a man who insists the country is gone to hell.
But today's republicans, the same republicans in some cases who'd always insisted there was nothing we could learn from European countries when it came to healthcare or mass transit or social housing or paid family leave or free college education, those same republicans. Suddenly think we can learn a thing or two from this victor orban of Hungary when it comes to destroying the free press, ending judicial independence and rolling back academic freedom.
I know, I know, it's a sex show. I'm trying to stick to dildos. Doing the best I can to stick to dildos. I gave you a CBT reference a minute ago. That was me. But what the GOP is promising to do, what they're telling us, no dog whistles, all sirens. But the GOP is threatening to import to America from Europe. It's alarming. I'm alarmed. You should be alarmed too. You should also be registered to vote.
All right, coming up today on the love cast on the micro tons of your cues, lots of my a's and the first half of my conversation with stand up comedian Rachel finestein her new special big guy drops this week. A Netflix, the first half of my conversation with Rachel is on the micro. All of it is on the magnum that you can subscribe to right now at savage.love and you not only get the longer ad free savage love cast you get when you become a magnum sub.
So, so much more. All right, if you're already a magnum sub show starts now, if you are not yet, one of my subs got to listen to a few ads first. Hi, Dan. I'm a 30 year old single lesbian living in a big city in the Midwest. I recently made friends with a married lesbian couple through mutual friends.
We usually hang out in a group setting and I don't know them super well, but recently I've gone to events with either of them alone too, so we're becoming closer. I find them both very attractive and the subtraction intensified the other night when the topic of groups sex came up in one of them made it sound like they were open to the idea. I've never done anything like that before, but now I can't stop thinking about it.
Is there a way I could gauge their interest in a threesome generally and with me without coming across insanely presumptive, weird and ruining the friendship? How do people navigate this in real life with people they know rather than the strangers on a nap? Feel free to tell me this is a horrible idea and I should just keep my fantasies to myself. You are a lesbian. If you ever want to have a threesome, hope to ever have a three way. This is how it's going to happen for you.
There aren't grinders or sniffies full of lesbians looking for one-offs or thirds. Lesbians don't use dating apps, hook up apps, come fuck me apps the same way gay men do. So lesbian threesome don't happen for lesbians the way gay threesome's happen for gay guys. You can't actually, according to most of my lesbian pals, set these things up with strangers. Lesbian threesome's happen through friend networks with X's.
So yeah, you should go ahead. You should hit on these women and what are you really risking? You say you don't want to ruin the friendship. You only just met them. You're barely friends and all you would be telling them is that in addition to liking them as people and being attracted to them as persons, you're also attracted to them as objects.
You're sexually attracted to them too. And if the answer is no, you just say, okay, sorry, that's going to make things a little awkward the next time we're on a party together. And we can power through that awkwardness like the adults. We are and salvage the friendship, the nascent friendship that was already growing.
But this is just a case of somebody's got to hit on somebody's first no risk, no reward arguing against making this past. You weren't alone with them when you have this conversation about group sex sounds like you were at a party in a group large group of women.
The topic of group sex came up and you say one of them made it sound like they were open to the idea could have been one of them was putting it out there that they've always wanted to have a threesome. And this is something that these two women have discussed with each other and they were just lobbing that into the room in the hopes that someone would bite that someone would make the first move and maybe they hope that someone was you.
Also possible that the subject of groups sex came up and one of them's open to the idea and the other isn't and so it's never going to happen with or for them or the one who said that they might be open to the idea was just pretending to be a little bit more sexually adventurous and sex positive perhaps than these two women actually are which sometimes queer people will do in a group where you know SNM comes up or group sex or sex clubs and even people who would never.
And have never will joke that they would or possibly could or under the right circumstances it's a way of them letting the people in the room who are confessing to having had group sex or crazy adventure of sex or BDSM sex or pendula and Berlin.
It's a way of the people who would never and could never telegraphing to those people who have and would and would again that they're not being judged that the person who's saying this thing is pretending to be sludder than the action we are is with the sluts in spirit but not in act but you won't know what the case was with these women if you don't take the risk you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it.
And as a lesbian you don't have the grinder or snippies option you are going to have to use your words every lesbian I know personally who's had a crazy groups of experience who had three sons it's been a friend it's been an ex it's been somebody they met their social circles at a party and it happened for them in that way if you wanted to happen for you. You're going to have to take the risk and say the thing and make the pass.
I'd Dan Nancy in the tech savvy at risk youth 27 year old cis female seeking advice about a recurring thought that I have to reach out to an old situation ship which I still have complex feelings about. We met online when I was 17 and playing around on dating apps I was transparent about my age on those apps and he was 24 at the time.
We talked frequently and became very close and started having sex when I was 18 and he had always gone back and forth between maybe into young and what we were doing was wrong and then convincing each other that it wasn't and that we had loved each other. As an 18 year old I was hooked on the drama and deeply attached to him we had on and off again contact the sex was incredible sometimes when we both be in relationships we'd still talk about our complex feelings to each other.
And encourage each other to stay with our current partners but there was always this forbidden love scenario acting out. We went no contact social media as well when I was 21 after our conversation where I had told him I just couldn't keep having him in my life in this way and that it felt unhealthy and like he was a villain in my life. We were inconsistently consistent in each other's lives for those four years always with high intensity.
When I turned 23 two years after no contact I received a text from him trying to reconnect and ask how my life has been. I blocked his number and continued to move on with my life for fear of repeating the same. For years I had come to the conclusion that I was groomed by him and that he was bad for various reasons but really waiting until I was 18 to meet and have sex expressing complicated feelings around my age.
Having me lie about my age to his friends when he wasn't hiding me from them even when I was 20 years old and that I was manipulated by the strength of my feelings. And sometimes I have a sliver of delusion where I feel like fate might be at play and that maybe one day would be together which is something we had often talked about. At 27 I'm frustrated with myself first still having him occupy space in my head despite years of no contact.
Up until recently I just written him off as a groomer with bad intentions and that I was a victim. But I'd like to change this narrative and reconnecting makes me feel like I can humanize him in some way and take away this power of any regressive romanticism by squashing the mystery of him.
I wonder if reconnecting as a person who understands people's complex desires will allow me to do this or if this is just a symptom of me being emotionally manipulated at a young age telling me I have more healing to do. I don't want him in my life in a permanent way but I just want to stop wondering hoping to receive your advice or just tell me what I already know that this is stupid and self-sabotation. I was talking people in their 20s when I was 17 years old when I was 16 years old.
Some of them, some of these guys were good guys and some of them were bad guys. And I, at 17, I couldn't tell the good guys apart very easily from the bad guys. The good guys, as I could later see looking back, the good guys were guys who I kind of ran into. They were attracted to me, I was attracted to them and they made an exception for me. The bad guys, an exception for me at that age, they wouldn't normally date somebody or fuck somebody as young as I was.
The bad ones, the bad guys, had a pattern of seeking out and fucking inexperienced, easily manipulated, 16, 17, 18 year old boys. And I have it, the bad ones, of convincing those 16, 17, 18 year old boys that we were exceptional, that an exception, that they were making an exception for us because we were so exceptional. My first serious boyfriend, when I was a teenager, there was a 10 year age gap, much bigger age gap than your age gap with your first serious boyfriend.
He was a good guy who was good to me and helped me. My next serious boyfriend, when I was still a teenager, was a habitual user of teenage boys. And at the time, when I was a teenager still, I really couldn't tell them apart, but by my late 20s, I could tell them apart. I could see the distinction, I could see the difference, I could see patterns. The guy, who my first serious boyfriend, when I was 17 years old, I was the only person that young that he ever dated.
The next guy, I was one of a series, he was out there to collect us all. So, you have slotted this relationship and this dude into a narrative where he was the villain and you were being groomed and that may very well be true. There's one way you can find out for sure, I think, whether that's true. If he was a monstrous piece of shit, who was seeking out, young, inexperienced women, because it was easy to manipulate those girls, well then there would be a pattern there.
All of his subsequent girlfriends, his relationships would be teenagers. Other girls like you that he would have sought out, that if he wasn't that guy, if he wasn't that villain, possible you were an exception. And maybe meeting up with him would help you let go of this narrative, which doesn't sound like it's necessarily helping you to cling to this narrative where you were victimized.
Maybe it's true, maybe you were victimized, but maybe if you meet up with him, you will discover that, A, he's not somebody you want to be with anymore and this hold that he has over you because you're carrying around in your head, who he was and what he meant to you when you're 17, 18 years old, 19 years old, 20 years old.
Maybe that will evaporate. I had such a crush. Still, I carried a torch for my first series, college boyfriend, a little older as 20, carried a torch for him for years, pined after him, met up with him, thinking maybe we're going to get back together.
And in that one lunch, I was like, yep, no, no interest. It was all not a desire to be with him again, but nostalgia for what it felt like to be with him that desire to return to the intensity of those feelings, but I didn't have the same intensity of feeling for him and maybe by getting together with this guy, you will glean from the interaction from the conversation you might have with him that
there was no pattern here that he wasn't the kind of person who was seeking out teenage girls because they were easily manipulated and that your feelings for him have passed and what you have are memories of this intensity, this time that you were with this guy. And by the time you actually met or started having sex, you were an adult. He was an adult. There was a significant age gap, but you were both adults.
And maybe he was manipulating you and abusing you and meeting up with him again will confirm that and the narrative that you've constructed is actually the narrative, the correct narrative, or maybe you'll be able to let this go and you'll feel a little bit less like a victim or feel less like you have to act out victimhood because it is how we're supposed to regard and understand these sorts of relationships with potentially problematic power and balances now.
Yeah, the guy I dated after my first series boyfriend, he used me. I was victimized in that relationship. The guy who dated me before him, my first series boyfriend, I was a teenager. He was 28 years old. He didn't victimize me. He was good to me. He helped me. He saved me. And it was only later that I could see that when I was in my late 20s as you are now. So even if you don't meet up with this guy, even if you feel like that's dangerous.
I think maybe some reassessment of what this relationship was when it meant to you who you were, who he was, and maybe seeing it from a different angle reframing it might help you let go and move on from it. The Savage Lovecast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for creators and business owners to stand out and succeed online.
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Head on over to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code Savage. Hello, Dan and company. My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement about the semantics of tea bagging. I always thought that if I was putting balls in my mouth that I was like tea bagging up person.
Well, I found out that he thinks if he puts his balls in someone's mouth that he's tea bagging someone. So who is the actual tea bagger the one with the balls or the one with the mouth? Joining me to help answer this question because why not comedian Rachel Feinstein. You've seen her on Inside Amy Schumer HBO's last week tonight. CBS is the late late show with James Gordon and NBC's The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. She has a new stand up special big guy premiering on Netflix May 21.
Hey, Rachel, thank you so much for demeaning yourself by coming on my podcast. Oh, thank you. I couldn't wait. Are you kidding? This is delightful. You're hilarious. The new special which I got to see in advance is hilarious. But it may surprise people to know who the big guy referenced in the title is. It is me. My husband's nickname for me. And he always acts like I'm like weirdly insecure about. He's like, come on. You're fun. You're big gay. He keeps repitching it to me.
And like you call it a union trucker. But he loves it. Listening to you to this special. There's so much about your family about your marriage, about your husband. I got to say hearing you talk about your family and this extended family of firefighters that you're really also married to. Yes. Remind me of my family. My dad's a cop. My brother's a cop. My uncle. Really? My nephew's a cop. Chicago cops are in New York City firefighters. But man, there are similarities.
Oh my God. It's like, yes, the same deal all around. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you're family if they're like emotional deserts, but the met in my family. Yeah, I mean, I keep them like therapists, but you know, like my husband is like process things. No, I just know if there's like a dent in the microwave that he's angry about something he saw in the job. Yeah, we're we're a bit more processing, I think, because my parents were 70s, parents, 70s Catholics.
They were running marriage encounter, but I was Catholic cop family. We talked about our feelings, but we shouted about them. I was always kind of jealous of those shouting families because my family was all just sort of like simmering hostility. You know, just like this kind of just low glaring and like just years of built up cake resentment. So I feel like get it out. I'm also I'm just very collectively attracted to cops and firefighters.
Yeah, it's just yeah, you talk in the show about how you like those thick necked men. I do, I do. It's what works for me. It does. Yeah. And that's our neighborhood too. It's all like it's all cops and firefighters. So there's a connection there. Yeah, for sure. You feel comfortable and safe in that neighborhood? Yes. With the cops and the firefighters. Yeah, we always felt safe because being a Chicago cop, having a dad who's a Chicago cop was like having somebody who was the head of a gang.
As you dad, it did it did make us feel safe. There was, you know, there's one time when somebody threatened my mother and then that person was disappeared for a week by my some friends of my dad's. You don't threaten a cops wife in Chicago. No, it's not a good look. That is not a good look. Did people at school know about your dad was a cop? Yes, they did. And I grew up Catholic in the 70s and I never got touched and neither did my brothers and we think it was related.
Sure. Yeah. People find out pretty quick. Yeah. I mean, the schools out here, they all have names like school of heroes and it's kind of like a Mount Rushmore of like cops and firefighters outside. People get it. That gets around, but that's that's pretty cool. I didn't know that you. Your Jewish and from like, would you say a middle class background and upper middle class background?
Yeah, like my dad worked for he was like a lawyer for the Department of Justice. So he was a civil rights lawyer, but he was like a government lawyer. So we weren't and my mom was a social worker. So they were like, you know, like went to grad school, but we like still had a Dawson. You know, like he's not some. Yeah. One of the things that's fascinating to me about like social trends right now is that women are doing so well.
More and more women are going to college, women are out earning men in many fields. And so there are lots of women in the next 10, 20 years who are going to be facing this prospect of either. Basically kind of doing sort of what you do and what drives a lot of your comedy is marrying across a kind of cultural and class divide.
Yes. Like you have a lot of your humor is these observations you make as an outsider to the kind of men that your husband knows who are like your husband and this community. And I was just wondering if you have any advice for women in the future or now who are facing this choice of like a man who because a lot of women have hang ups about marrying men of lesser educational attainment or who earn less to make you.
But when we're going to have to like over and marry some of these working class guys or not have guys at all I'm just curious having married across this kind of cultural divide if you have any advice for women. Well, I think for me for I'm personally not that educated so I never went to college but people assume I did because I'm like sarcastic and Jewish just like I get away with people thinking that I'm educated.
But I don't I even my family like you know they went to grad school and stuff there wasn't even a question that I was going to so that's one thing that kind of like helps me relate. I think it's helpful to and material wise I know it is to be with somebody that's different than you that thinks differently and I find that like more exciting.
First of all I'm teaming with ADD so I need that like clash to like excite me I'm mangled that's a medical diagnosis mangled with ADD but yeah I need that kind of that difference and I'm obviously attracted to those men I talk about it in a special like my dad kind of like kind of never ending sinus infection. So like you know there was no they didn't have like fixed things and stuff now.
So I am attracted to that and I think it's helpful to just grow up with somebody that could to be married to somebody that communicates and comes from a different background that being said it's also infuriated for me because like emotionally doesn't like they talk about like purchases and his family people discuss like you know what you bought at Costco or what you're going to get at Costco and like that's it you know.
Like nothing else is on the table but that immediacy of those needs like my mom wants to talk about you know just racial suffering in the world and so it kind of brings me down to earth and so I think if you're going to marry somebody like that like the advantage of that is also if you have a kid like if I want to talk about my kid it's I like to talk to my mother a lot because it's like it's immediate like she's like you know what did she eat did she sleep like people are thinking about what's happening right now.
And you know my mom doesn't want to discuss that you know she she'll have she'll listen to you with like a leg up if you talk about some sort of suffering or burden or trauma you know but the basic stuff I feel like it is nice with some to live with somebody that is right there with like all you know all the immediate things that being said look if I'm weeping I'm not calling my husband you know like it's he's not the person he's no like so.
No, that makes for good material yeah also good advice that you don't go to one person to have all of your needs met yeah I feel like it's good to delegate and I feel like people that say that they don't am at their you know husbands are that I think they're liars I don't believe them Rachel fine style her news stand up special big guy premieres on Netflix May 21st Rachel thank you so much for coming on the Savage Love cast it was really fun I hope you come back.
Thank you so much I had the best time. Hi, that was just a taste of my interview with Rachel finestein to hear her thoughts on the semantics of tea bagging you'll have to subscribe to the Savage Love cast you'll have to become a Magnum subscriber to hear the Magnum version of the show which has the entire great hilarious funny interview with Rachel and no ads to distract you get a Magnum subscription for yourself or give one as a gift right now at savage dot love.
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Let him know the love cast at you by going to helix sleep dot com slash savage with helix better sleep starts now. Hi Dan I've been married for over 15 years in a monogamous relationship and trying to spice things up. I have a healthy rape fantasy. It's really about wanting to be so desirable to my husband that he can't control himself and he just has to ravage me by force.
It's also about me just loving getting fucked by my husband we have a safe word which I probably will never use we've talked about our fantasy we tried the rape fantasy three times the best out of three well like this he woke me up on the weekend neither one of us had to work he said go get your ass ready I'm going to fuck your brains out.
I showered I was trembling with excitement I go back into the bedroom he told me to get on my back he lubed my asshole but he didn't finger me he lubed his dick and slit his dick into me balls deep within the first thrust this was bear back by the way you really own my whole he fucked my brains out he told me my whole was tight that he owned my whole I protested and said you can't just fuck me whenever you want.
He said I'll fuck your ass whenever I want he flipped me over and fucked me doggie style them and then he came in my ass and slapped my ass and then he said you're welcome and then he left the room I fucking loved every second of it I want him to fuck me like this all the time but he doesn't and I don't know how more explicit I can be once a week or once a month I think is a reasonable request I could leave a tie on the door or walk around in my fuck me tight gym shorts.
I want to be surprised he's worried about accident happening but I'm not worried because I eat healthy and I take fiber supplements I'm always ready he said that he's worried that I'm not being in the mood but clearly that's not the case but that's why we have a safe word anyway so I would just really love to come home from work one day and have him bend me over the kitchen table pull down my pants and then fuck me hard.
I'm a dog so please advise and help this hungry whole starving for his husband's cock I just want to be my husband's come dumpster I know poor guy don't you feel so bad for him. The tie on the door hanging that tie on the door to send the signal to your husband that now would be a good time or now is a moment when if he's feeling it too and he may not be feeling it he could ravish you that's not a bad idea.
So long as when you do hang that tie on the door when you send up that flare when you put that bat signal into the sky you understand that he's only going to come through with the ravishment of he's feeling it too you're letting him know that you're feeling it that now would be a good time if he's feeling it but then you can't be resentful if coincidentally he's not feeling it at that time and he might not be you know if your husband is being
straight with you if he's telling you the truth that his concern is you may not be ready and he's worried about an accident and some guys are more squeamish and concerned about that than other guys and it's a sign that that may be true that the one time or the best time that he came through with this fantasy scenario for you he sent you to the bathroom to clean up and get ready and prep first right so it may be true that he's concerned about an accident or a mess
you hanging that tie on the door is your way of telling him that he need not be concerned about that accident or that mass because you're douished or ready to go you're maybe you're not one of those guys who needs to do show the time because you know when you're good to go so you're taking those
fibers supplements and the tie on the door will mean then if you discuss this with your husband two things you're in the mood for ravishment and to be dominated and there's no risk of a mess or an accident so he doesn't need to be concerned about that now some people who have these kinds of submissive D S fantasies and there's a lot of fantasies that fall onto that header feel like it kind of ruins it for them if they have to ask for it's not really dominance if they have to ask for it well
you've been with your husband for 15 years you guys know each other well you love each other this is role play this is cops and robbers for grown ups with your pants off and you need to be able to compartmentalize the asking for it from the doing of it the going through with it
because obviously your husband isn't this monster who doesn't care about you your comfort your safety or your consent he does he cares about all those things and that one time he was able to really come through with the fantasy scenario that you would laid out for him that you would really enjoy with your consent and so don't understand having to ask for it having to put that tie on the
door knob or whatever where a certain color t-shirt where a certain t-shirt whatever it might be that you guys decide is the bad signal for ravish me if you're feeling it don't let that ruin it for you don't let that tell you that it's not what you wanted it to be because you had to ask for you always have to ask for it even from your
husband of 15 years now let me do the marriage of true minds not admitted pediments I don't want to pour poison in your ear but it's also possible that this erotic script that works for you doesn't work as well for your husband and it's not going to be a once a week or a once a month thing it's going to be a
bi-annual thing or a quarterly thing that this is something that you might want a lot more or a lot more often than he does and you know if he's only come through with this kind of sex for you three times in 15 years going to quarterly once every three months is going to be a huge step up and that may be his limit that may be as often as he's interested in this in the way that he was
interested in it or able to do it that one time when it was so great and when you rather have a great ravish man scene with your husband every three months then a half a lot of obligation him going through the motions ravishing you the way you want to be ravished once a week or once a month not because he's feeling it in that
moment because he knows your missing it and what you want in a moment where you're being dominated by somebody for it to be really sexy is for it to be working for them as much as an intense as intensely as it's working for you so better those lightning in a bottle moments once every three months or once every six months then half a going through the motions getting it over with
from your husband once a week have that conversation about the tie on the door now or the special t shirts the bat signal determined what the bat signal is going to be and again I feel like you need to emphasize this you can put up the bat signal and batman might not come in your hole after raw dogging you bent over the kitchen table because even though you were feeling he wasn't feeling it at that
you're feeling it rather than stewing and resentment just send the bat signal up next time when you're feeling it again and if he's feeling it yatsi go for it enjoy it here at Savage Lovecast Industries we are all about spicing up your sex life for the sake of having a better sex life which is by itself a worthwhile goal but also because spicing up your sex life can strengthen your relationships and liberator with their sex furniture and pillows and wedges can get you there
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checkout with liberator you can transform your sex life into a thrilling adventure and over liberator dot com right now use the promo code savage to let them know the love cast sent you and to ignite your passion and make your wildest fantasies a reality have a spring fling with liberator. I just had a question I recently had a lot in the family I put good friend in my best way that I'm going to go and I worked with that we're going through it but I found that on my end I've just been.
You know kind of masturbating a lot lately and I really think it's kind of just a numb the pain just to get it nice dopamine hit but definitely like three times a day on average and it's kind of getting away of my
sex life and getting the way work and it's just how I've been meditating I kind of stopped drinking a couple years ago and so I just want to know if you think that's an okay way to kind of just medicate for a couple months and not really worried about it because I just you know it's a lot of I know.
I'm so sorry for your loss I'm so sorry about the depth of your friend as coping mechanisms go having a wank better than having a drink better than smoking math so I will allow it right now you are in the full grip of grief grief in my experience first it's a room you can escape from then it's a room you find yourself in and finally it's a room you occasionally choose to visit to remember the person that you miss what you do when you're trapped in that room to cope with how
we're inescapable your grief is sometimes you need a distraction and if your dick is a distraction for you right now while you are trapped in your grief again there are worse distractions there are worse coping mechanisms you say that it's interfering with your sex life okay well then keep an eye on it if it's interfering with your sex life masturbating as much as your masturbating for that oxytocin burst that you need to get through the day
you can make a conscious choice to dial it back but at this moment in the freshness of your grief do whatever it is that you need to do I mean I hope you're not masturbating on the bus or the subway but do whatever you need to do privately to get through the day and what you're doing it isn't self destructive you aren't hurting anyone and if you have a regular sex partner if you have
a spouse you have a fuck buddy I can't imagine if they are kind and decent and loving they're expecting you to come through with the blow jobs or the kind of lingus or the two hour fuck sessions or whatever it is you usually do with your romantic partners or your sex partners so yeah maybe the masturbating right now is taking you out of the sex you might be having if you weren't in the grip of grief but you probably wouldn't be having much sex anyway because of the grief
me my mom died I spent a lot of time in churches not masturbating just sitting thinking and it was it was weird I felt weird about it I did it this American life piece you can find it online about how I processed my mother's grief which was sitting in a pew not sitting in my dick in my hands it freaked out my husband it really did freak Terry out that I was suddenly spending so much time in Catholic churches again
but I got through it and I haven't been in a church except to look at the art now for years you'll get through I'm sure you'll keep masturbating at a less aggressive clip but you'll get through it I'm grateful to the churches that open doors that I could visit and sit and think about my mother you will be grateful for your dick your dick is there for you now when you need it enjoy it what works works and what you're doing isn't going to do you any long term harm again really sorry for your loss
all right time for a little listener feedback first up some of the comments left on last week show in the very lively comment thread at savage dot love says she reen regarding choking damn I'm surprised you haven't put it together yet you know how you always tie the financial crisis to the boom of the fin dom kink well isn't it interesting how the choking kink took off after a global trauma of a pandemic specifically a disease that makes it hard to breathe and suddenly everyone everywhere thinks it's hot to have their air cut
off I think you're mixing up the timelines here I am looking at a headline in the guardian right now the fatal hateful rise of choking during sex which was published in 2019 so I don't think it was the COVID pandemic that gave us the choking kink the choking kink predates by many many years the choking kink taking off like it has predates COVID says fluid druid saying a nine
binary person is in an opposite sex relationship like you did at the top of the show last week is a contradiction Dan once you defy the rules of the gender binary there is no opposite gender anymore and of course that's queer I dare say it's more queer than all those straight acting gay dudes out there that try to fit in with heteronormativity
all right some of those straight acting gay dudes aren't acting for some guys believe or not mask is their authentic gender presentation and those dudes are just as entitled to identify as queer if they wish also and maybe this makes me a bit of a dinosaur but a non binary person still has a sex and ironically and
they've created a new binary you're either binary or non binary which is of course a brand new binary but everybody has a sex usually it's one of the other but of course there are some intersex folks out there finally says and room I have a lot of thoughts about last week's intro mostly because I'm working on my dissertation and I have a lot of queer theory on the brain as I've researched the history of the use of the word queer the archives show that the earliest uses of queer as a term for
equality were among gay men using it for themselves as early as the 1910s there's more to Andrew's comment a lot more all of it fascinating but the comment in its entirety is too long to read here go read it for yourselves right now at savage dot love and jump into the conversation about the show
all right for more listener feedback be sure to check out struggle session where I respond to listener and reader comments goes up every Thursday or most Thursdays at savage dot love that is for Magnum subscribers only if you want to read struggle session you got to be a
Magnum sub and now listener response calls either this is for the caller in the episode let in messy who have to go back to work and her partner won't need to be if you think about leaving her job potentially I want you to think about the job market right now
I'm not sure what field you're in if there's a lot of competition in your industry but a lot of people have been laid off for months or over a year and can't get work and I actually think you might have a harder time finding a job then getting this guy to eat your coffee so I would leave him promptly if your job your career and meet someone awesome in the city who will take your pleasure seriously he sounds terrible
I thought it was fascinating to have this to call back back the woman who partner was an ass and wouldn't give him head and then the trans guys who think that women are going to be in a country of trans like it's ridiculous can I just let you know that he's both of them make a
responsibility and create a life they want I'm in a marriage that was not actually satisfying and left it and when I'm dating out and that a trans guy is the best lover he super attentive so for the trans dude please stop eating non queer women I identify as a
Sunday so the first time I've used a male pronoun about a lover this century you guys have changed in the last ten years so when we went back on the dating apps those of us who are some guys have been looking for you because our a fab which is had all
the conditions I could just be that the fuck you are and know that some of us find your body and your trainiacalia a feature and not a bug for both for us instead of the fucking straight girls and see the picture's not getting too puffy lit do not ever let a man entry your body until he fucking satisfy you ladies first if we all practice that the world we change immediately a denim 34 year old trans guy from the Midwest calling to respond to the trans guy calling in about dating from the last
episode I just want to say I haven't had any issues dating I'm not calling to like brag or anything I just really hate the way that came across like women need to be like hyped up to date us and I've never needed a woman to be hyped up to date me I just
live a normal life I date women like anybody else would date women except at a certain point I disclose that I don't have a dick usually around the second or third date before anything physical happens most women don't care and it's not a big deal.
And we're going to leave it there we've got three great ways to get us your questions or comments for future shows you can record your question or comment right now it's savage dot love slash ask Dan or you can make a voice memo on your phone and email your
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