Confession: We have not solved our mono-minds. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so even though we’ve done decades of deep work to break out of those default frameworks and process our internalized polyphobia, we aren’t immune to the trappings of the mono-mind. Just like many of the other life-changing processes that come with opening up intentionally and successfully (think individuation and differentiation), there is no end point to unpacking your mono-mind. It’s a life-long p...
Aug 31, 2024•37 min•Season 10Ep. 194
Scenario: your anchor partner is on a date with someone else. You know they have a super hot connection, and sex is definitely on the table. You’re excited for them… but once they leave, and the time starts ticking by, all sorts of feelings are coming up. Your anxiety is building… and you don’t know how to deal with it. We get asked about this scenario a lot, because it can be SO challenging. Good news—we’ve been there, we’ve learned a lot about our own do’s and don’ts, and we know how to help y...
Aug 24, 2024•25 min•Season 10Ep. 166
Money, parenting, sharing space, schedules, rental agreements… these may not be the sexiest and most exciting aspects of non-monogamy, but they are important. In fact, they’re common stumbling blocks, and can cause big relationship issues when left unaddressed for long periods of time. Here’s the problem: we rarely get to hear about how other polyamorous people are handling the practical details of their lives. That’s exactly what our guest today, author and coach Laura Boyle, is out to solve. H...
Aug 17, 2024•48 min•Season 10Ep. 201
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. There are those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control . All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situa...
Aug 10, 2024•55 min•Season 9Ep. 143
Abbey and Liam approach building conscious relationships in a way that’s refreshing, pragmatic, playful, and authentic, all at once. Their work focuses on creating space for open, real conversations about non-monogamy, and they’re really good at it!! In this episode, Abbey and Liam share a lot about their journeys, including their gradual, relaxed approach to coming out as non-monogamous, how they prioritize parenting, and how they navigate challenges like jealousy, boundaries, commitment, and c...
Aug 03, 2024•54 min•Season 9Ep. 163
Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out. Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how to collaborate to create relationships that truly fit. The Year of Opening is POWERFUL. I’ve seen people transform themselves and their lives in this program, over and over. In this special PWF episode, we sit down with five past participants to hear about what brought them to The Year of Opening, th...
Jul 27, 2024•2 hr 35 min•Season 9Ep. 162
When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and this week’s episode is even better than we could have imagined!! Alex’s ground-breaking collection of essays covers beautiful and difficult parts of polyamory that are rarely discussed in story-telling formats. They show us how intense and transformative metamour relationships can be, and they bring...
Jul 20, 2024•54 min•Season 9Ep. 161
Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! It’s also crucial to building fulfilling relationships, which is exactly why we created this episode. Like most aspects of relating, individuating, differentiating, and all the wonderful things we like to talk about on Playing With Fire, identifying and communicating your needs is a skill that you c...
Jul 13, 2024•52 min•Season 9Ep. 160
Resentment is one of those emotions that can be truly destructive in relationships. It can turn into contempt, and even acrimony… which is why we want to help you address these feelings early and thoroughly. Whether you're in the middle of a big, longstanding resentment issue, or if you’re just starting to feel a little bit bubble up in your relationship, this mini-episode is a must-listen. This week, we’re breaking down: — The difference between incompatible wants vs. incompatible relations...
Jul 06, 2024•23 min•Season 9Ep. 159
Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful. We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the i...
Jun 29, 2024•50 min•Season 9Ep. 158
We talk about compersion a lot (duh, it’s awesome!!). But compersion is more than an emotion, and it’s more than the opposite of jealousy. Luckily, Marie Thouin (one of our podcast BFFs) returns to PWF to discuss her new book, What Is Compersion?, which dives into the complexities of compersion as a value system that does not have to be restricted to romantic relationships. In fact, we all have benefitted greatly from expanding the way that we understand and practice compersion to our platonic a...
Jun 22, 2024•55 min•Season 9Ep. 157
This episode is about betrayal. I know, super fun subject, but don’t click away!! Betrayal can touch on some of our deepest insecurities. But in my experience, the fear of betrayal can be more painful and damaging than betrayal itself. That’s one of the reasons why it’s important to face betrayal head-on, and to be honest with yourself about how your history with betrayal may be impacting your current relationships with your partner(s) and yourself. This can be a confusing subject, especially fo...
Jun 15, 2024•44 min•Season 9Ep. 156
People hurt each other all the time. Even in the strongest relationships and with the best intentions, it happens! Ruptures in trust are not fun to think about, but we’ve found that addressing the subject proactively is crucial. So whether you’ve just experienced a break in trust, or you’re looking to prepare for those inevitable relationship challenges, this mini-episode is a must-listen. In this episode, we talk about: — The nature of trust and how it is built and broken in relationships — Our...
Jun 08, 2024•19 min•Season 9Ep. 155
This one’s for you, fellow relationship nerds! Listen in on this fabulous conversation with Dr. River Farrell, a clinical psychologist, independent non-monogamy researcher, and member of the polyamory and queer communities. They’re joining us to talk about research, therapy, jealousy, and how we can actually apply findings from the research to improve mental health care for people in the non-monogamy community. Dr. Farrell uncovers the reasons why traditional therapy modalities might not be work...
Jun 01, 2024•51 min•Season 9Ep. 154
Have you ever had really strong feelings for someone— so strong that they took over your brain (and maybe even your life)? That kind of obsession can be super exciting, but it can also have big consequences. Limerence and New Relationship Energy are two kinds of intense romantic fixation that have some key differences, and we’re diving deep into both of them. We’ve been there—and that’s why we want to help you navigate these (exciting, scary, complicated… the list goes on!!) states of being. In ...
May 25, 2024•48 min•Season 9Ep. 153
When you hear the phrase "taking a break," do you think of fear, uncertainty, or sadness? We’ve been there, and we made this episode to help you forge a new path. More often than not, unintentional breaks—whether from a relationship or a conversation—can simply delay the same outcomes and patterns. But breaks don't have to be evidence of a fundamental breakdown or incompatibility within a relationship. In fact, they can be a chance to hit refresh, realign, and come back stronger th...
May 18, 2024•37 min•Season 9Ep. 152
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage . Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch! The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong . So we’re here to ...
May 11, 2024•53 min•Season 9Ep. 151
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right? Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!) In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a ...
May 04, 2024•42 min•Season 9Ep. 150
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on. This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must-listen–we’re breaking down all the basics. —Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philo...
Apr 27, 2024•42 min•Season 9Ep. 150
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity. Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going t...
Apr 20, 2024•43 min•Season 9Ep. 148
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms: If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentia...
Apr 13, 2024•41 min•Season 9Ep. 147
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with?? It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!! To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunit...
Apr 06, 2024•35 min•Season 9Ep. 146
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways?? To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregulation, and we discuss communication styles, attachment tendencies, and tools that help us resolve conflict. Dysregulation can be fertile ground for relational growth. To show you why, we turn to our depth psychology roots, and explore concepts like embracing multiplicity, shadow exploration, and tr...
Mar 30, 2024•50 min•Season 9Ep. 145
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions. We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachme...
Mar 16, 2024•58 min•Season 8Ep. 144
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it. Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He...
Mar 02, 2024•54 min•Season 8Ep. 143
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode, we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning. If you suspect you might be enmeshed in your relationship(s), and you want to start identifying those patterns, this one is a must-listen. We take it all the way to the root and examine the core wounds and beliefs that could be underlying your relationship patterns. AND, we talk about how practical tools like embodied aw...
Feb 17, 2024•41 min•Season 8Ep. 142
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships?? Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive. We talk about the mono-mind (that sneaky thing...
Feb 03, 2024•58 min•Season 8Ep. 141
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode! ~ It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theor...
Jan 20, 2024•54 min•Season 8Ep. 140
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver. We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes o...
Jan 13, 2024•48 min•Season 8Ep. 139
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play. In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more. Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relation...
Jan 06, 2024•38 min•Season 8Ep. 138
