Hanna:
Hey everyone! Welcome to episode number 18.
Today I am going to talk about something that has plagued relationships of mine in the past and I know that those of you who do any sort of self work, those that are also coaches or healers or teachers or lifelong students of self improvement or just women with brains that care have had a version of this thought too. There’s nothing wrong with being any of those things at all but, when we’re in relationships we do this thing where we hear our therapist or our coach or someone on the internet say you know, you need to work to improve on yourself & your relationships. You need to put in the effort. And then, instead of just working on doing that ourselves, we take that insight and we apply it to the person we’re in a relationship with that is the most difficult to deal with.
We’re like, see! See! I knew the problem was you. You don’t ever do the dishes. You don’t ever want to go to counseling with me. You don’t leave me love notes like I do for you. You always cum first! Come or cum. Right?
We’re like hey friend, you know you should really work on yourself. You’d be much happier if you did that and you really need to put some effort into working on yourself so we can have better conversations that aren’t always about your stuff.
You know what mom if you just worked on yourself and put in some more effort, you’d really be able to find more peace.
Hey partner, I read this article and you should really read it because it would help you to understand how to be better at everything.
Hey everyone, try harder so it can be easier for me to love you.
If you’ve been hearing me on any platform on the topic of love you know my opinion here: everyone is infinitely loveable as they are right now, even if they never put in any more effort. It is you that must have the capacity to love them.
But, when we see someone in our lives not doing what we hoped they would do to constitute effort in our relationship, we mistake their inaction or different actions for reasons not to love them or value their part in the relationship.
That doesn’t mean you love and agree with what they do or don’t do. But to make their actions or lack of actions mean something that causes you emotional pain.
I’m going to show you how this works.
Do you ever do this? Analyse the people in your life and compare your efforts to their efforts and then determine that they are not working as hard as you are. They are not putting in as much effort in the relationship. And that is the reason that the relationship feels difficult, for you.
If they put in as much effort as me then it would be easier. I’d be happy, have peace, feel supported, be able to love you more.
You’re not putting in as much effort as me. Meh.
Who have you thought this about? Don’t lie, you’ve had it.
I put in more effort than my partner/friend/sister/kid/date.
Think about the person that you think doesn’t put as much effort as you. What do you think about their effort? It’s lame. It’s less. It’s non existent.
Now you know, logically that those are just thoughts and if you wanted to you could change all of those to something like, “their effort is just different than mine.”
Because the difficulty you feel in this relationship is being caused by this thought that they aren’t putting in as much effort as you are, which is just a thought by the way. There is no official effort measurement scale that shows us that their effort is less, so just know that that’s optional to think that way. But I know it’s hard.
So for those of you that can actually get on board with a new type of thought about effort here, and you’re like yes I actually can see they put in effort in different ways I just wish it was the same ways as me sometimes but yeah I guess I’m more just conveniently ignoring the things this person does that I see as effort in their own way, great, run with that for a bit. Their effort just looks different than mine. Maybe they are putting in effort in other ways. It’s possible they care about this relationship and love me in a way that isn’t shown or measured the same ways as me. They don’t have to have a Coach, want to meditate with me under the full moon and need to text me every 30 minutes to be considered putting in effort in this relationship. They do effort differently and that still makes them a good friend, mate, roommate, boyfriend, whatever.
Ok go there if you’ve got that in ya. For sure.
But frankly I don’t have that in me sometimes. To be like well their effort is just different than mine. I want to see that. I always want to try to notice that but sometimes my brain is just no seriously their effort level sucks.
So if you’re sure that this person isn’t putting in as much effort as you, that feels really true and factual to you right now so there’s really no wiggle room or new thought that’s going to jostle that one loose just yet, thats okay. There’s a really great solution for you. Instead of trying to change that thought, let’s explore what you are making that thought mean.
So this person isn’t putting in as much effort as you.
So what?
What does that mean, to you?
You’re not putting in as much effort as me and that means that
“I can’t make this relationship better without your help.” or “I can’t keep this relationship alive without more from you?”
“You don’t care about me.”
“You don’t care about our relationship.”
“I have to put in so much effort that I don’t want to do!”
That was mine. I was like ugh, “I have to do all this work while you do nothing, asshole.”
But here’s the thing, whatever you think about your person’s lower level of effort is creating a negative emotion for you. It’s creating a negative result for you, I can guarantee that. It’s NOT creating more effort from the other person. Ok so notice if that’s your intention. If your intention when you think something like this is to get the other person to make more effort, thinking this way is not going to do that.
You’re like yeah but I’m mad, annoyed, sad…and I have to be those things because that’s what you do when this person you’re trying to love isn’t loving you as well as you think they should.
Thats what you’re supposed to do here, get mad about it. Get sad about it.
Ok I’m going to tell you something totally fucked up: I’ve looked everywhere for proof that you have to be upset about someone not putting in as much effort as you are…and there’s none. There is no proof anywhere that says the correct emotion to feel when someone isn’t putting in effort is upsetness.
You are choosing to feel that way, about this person. Why?
Why do you want to feel that way? Seriously think about that. Why do you want to feel upset if someone else isn’t putting in as much effort as you?
I’ll show you that there’s no point. Because right now you’re like no no no there is a point to this negative emotion, there’s a freakin point. To teach them a lesson! To show them that they suck at relationships. To, to, to what? Your being mad about this doesn't do anything to help anything.
So you are like but if they don’t do the work that I’m doing that means they don’t care and I should stop seeing them.
Is that what that means? You think that that’s like some insight that you need about this relationship?
Find me proof.
Because “they don’t care” is your opinion. And an opinion, as we know, is optional. If you want to choose to make the lack of effort mean that you have to break up or move on from this relationship that is up to you. That is not a requirement though.
I’ll show you some proof that you aren’t doing any good with choosing to think that lack of effort means they don’t care or they aren’t a good person to have in your life.
You’re probably sad, or hurt or pissed off. Yeah?
If you’re not sad hurt or pissed off then you don’t care about them anyways so their effort level literally doesn't matter anyways.
Let’s say you get pissed ,because you do care about this person and you do want to have them in your life. How does feeling pissed show up in how you act toward that person? Your emotion is influencing your behavior and making you have a hard time in that relationship.
So if you’re feeling pissed or anger, in your body, right, you might give the person the silent treatment, or yell at them, or act passive aggressively toward them. You might belittle them. And what do you do that’s so great for you when you’re pissed? Do you do more self work? Do you love yourself when you’re pissed? Do you make rational and well informed decisions about what to do next? Nope.
When I’m pissed off I withdraw and do the thing where I try not to feel angry so I go online shopping or eat a bunch of garbage food. I disconnect from that person for sure. I talk shit about them. I definitely do not actively try to connect with them. I actively try to avoid them.
And as a result I’m putting a lot of effort in to being pissed off.
That’s where my effort goes. To acting out my negative emotions. Right?
Our brain is like omg LOOK at how much effort I’m putting into this relationship! Argh! Effort. It sucks. It feels terrible. But I’m doing effort because you’re not so I’m going to give my brain and body more emotions to not process and just ruminate on and marinate myself in to keep proving to myself that I give so much more and care so much more than you.
You don’t put in enough effort because you don’t care leads to you putting a lot of effort into feeling crappy. And not actually caring about the relationship when you’re upset like that right?
Even if your thought about it is more on the gentle side like, if you’re the person who feels sadness about someone’s lack of effort. Maybe what you think sounds like, You’re not putting in as much effort as me and that means you don’t value me and this relationship, which might make you feel unloved. The lack of love get’s acted out in what you do too, how you don’t show up in LOVE with yourself and the person. And your effort becomes the withholding of love. And that feels shit too. Also not a solution-based focus. Right so whether your emotions are the ones that get us all fired up, or the emotions that bring you down and feeling gloomy, your result is the same: you expend your energy in ways that don’t fit with the narrative of a relationship you want to create.
So here’s the thing, maybe you notice that this person isn’t putting in as much effort as you or the effort you want and you decide you want to break up with them or not have them in your life. That’s an option. That is what that might mean for you. There is nothing wrong with that okay?
But I am guessing that for most of you, if you care about solving for this thought you’d rather find contentment and love in your relationship versus cutting ties. And that does lead me to believe that you know there is possibility here, which is an extremely valuable thought for you to use.
When you think this person doesn’t care, you’re putting hurt emotions into your own body. The thought that this person doesn’t care is fully optional. And even just knowing that and believing in the possibility of that…that it’s optional to believe that they don’t care, will open up some doors for you. It’s optional to believe that this means that the relationship can’t work. It’s optional to believe that this means I’m on my own.
That’s a tough one because our brains go there quickly when something doesn’t align with what we want in relationships. I’m alone. I am being forced to do work solo. I am the only one. Your brain does this thing where it puts you on an island of misery in relationships sometimes, when you’re committed to working on yourself or on your own stuff, right maybe you’re working with a Coach and you are trying to use self coaching tools every day and other people in your life are like no thanks. Your brain is like omg I can’t do this by myself I need my person to also do this work otherwise it won’t work. It’s lying to you, okay. It’s not trying to hurt you intentionally but your brain is a liar.
“I can’t do self work on my own.”
That’s just not true. And that’s not like me convincing you that self work is so incredible it will change your mind about what you’re capable of on your own. Even tho it will. Haha. It’s just not a true fact in the world, like regardless of what I have to say about it.
I have a client who recently renewed her coaching package with me and we will be working together for another 6 months but her initial package which was three months long just ended and I always do any evaluation with people when they’ve been using coaching for 3 months to see what they’ve accomplished and what they want to do better. What didn’t work and exactly how they could do it better moving forward.
And one thing that she shared during her evaluation which was so special for me to hear was that she found peace in the relationship ship with her mother, who didn’t change anything that she was doing or saying at all, when at the beginning of our coaching work my client had thought it would be a miracle to not just feel trauma, disappointment, disconnection and anger towards that relationship.
She told me how surprised she felt by the fact that she didn’t need her mom to go through this work with her or feel feelings along side her or even know that she was working on the relationship to feel better and at peace in it. Her literal words to me were
“YOU DONT EXPECT TO BE ABLE TO GET THAT OR FEEL THAT BY YOURSELF WITHOUT ENGAGING WITH THE OTHER PERSON In the relationship,”
And I feel like she was kind of speaking for the collective right? For you. She was telling me hey Hanna, we, the hurt and distressed and tired and lonely and confused women of the world, our expectations for healing relationships, or growing relationships beyond when they are now, are low. We don’t trust that we have power over our relationships on our own. Our conditioning around relationships runs deep. The beliefs that we are here to be in a relationship for the other person, not to create a relationship for us, that is strong within us.
So I’m here to say I fuckin feel that and the pain of those limiting beliefs, the ones that lead you to believe that you’re not enough of a force on your own. That you literally need the other person to do as much or more than you so you can be happy. Man do I feel that pain.
But what my client also said for you all was that there is hope. She said that she created hope through proving that it was possible to go through this transformation process on her own so she could create peace within one relationship in her life and use that as proof that she can do the same with other relationships too.
She has hope that she doesn’t need anyone to put in the same amount of effort or the same kind of effort as she does to feel happy and peaceful in that relationship.
So I want you to take some of that hope for you. Because I know my client would be willing to share. She’s an incredible person and she would 1000% want you to feel hopeful too.
Me just telling you now that you can grow your relationship into something you want more than what you currently have, without the other person's participation might just be planting the seed. You might not believe that right now. You might be like well my relationship is different. I’ve already tried everything. He really doesn’t care. They think self work is stupid. They think communication is too much trouble. They just don’t have the capacity to do more.
But let me just plant the seed again. There are people in the world right now. My client I just told you about is just one of them. I am another. Who have changed how they feel in their relationships without the other person changing anything. So that means it’s possible for you too. That is proof.
Maybe the only way to notice that possibility is to go and prove it for yourself.
I’m gonig to leave you with this infuriating truth ok? You ready to get annoyed?
The person you think is putting in less effort than you in any relationship is putting in the exact amount of effort that they are supposed to be putting in. I know this is true because that’s what they are doing. That's how I know. Whenever we have a manual for what we think someone else should be doing, just remember that it only brings us more struggle and suffering to argue with the reality of exactly what the other person is actually doing.
You are an adult person who can make requests of people and ask for what you need in relationships, and then choose whether or not you want to stay in that person’s life if they don’t accommodate your request. But you can also choose your thoughts. You can choose what to make it mean that they don’t want to put in the effort you asked for.
Making their effort mean something that hurts your feelings, isn’t beneficial.
I’m going to leave you with a few intentional thoughts to try on and see if any of these feel true and helpful for you.
“I don’t need them to put in the same amount of effort as me to be happy.”
“I want to put in effort, and it’s not a transaction. My effort is a gift to me and to this relationship.”
“I don’t ever have to put in effort I don’t want to.”
“This person doesn’t need to prove anything to me by doing something they don’t want to do.”
“My effort is not a measure of my love, and neither is theirs.”
Alright my friends I will see you next time for our final episode of the Relationships series. If there is a topic you’d like to hear more about on this show please drop me a line. You can leave a comment or send me a message on my website if you go to hannakokovai.com/podcast you’ll find a place to leave a note.
If you are enjoying what you’re getting from the Podcast, you need to next level it and come work with me in a private coaching program. I have a few spots left to begin in the New Year which is the absolute perfect time to give your brain a huge jumpstart in 2022. Sign up for a consultation on my website hannakokovai.com and we will get started putting in the exact amount of effort you need to reach your goals and have a love affair with your life. See you there.