Hanna:
Happy 2022 friends! Woop woop new year, same you, new opportunities! Right? I am so excited about all the forward facing people I’m talking to and noticing in the world right now. I mean those of you who are like grabbing 2022 by the balls and saying ok let’s go. Let’s look straight at it. Let’s do somethin. I wanna do somethin. So if you’re there, if you’re like I’m going for it, I am vision boarding the shit out of the spirit of my life this year, I’m like a little excitable chihuahua jumping up and down yapping about all the joy I can see ahead. Go you. 2022
This episode might not be for you. Haha. Because this episode might feel like a downer at first, ok but I want you to give it a chance anyways. Because it might be something you’ll need to hear like a week or a month from now, so take a listen and see what’s here for you today okay?
Today, in the new year, we’re talking about what happens when we get stuck looking back and thinking “this isn’t how I imagined it”. And, like not in a good way.
When we say wow this isn’t what I was expecting. This isn’t what I was hoping for. This isn’t how I planned it. All of that just means, I don’t like how it is. I don’t like what is. I don’t agree with how things actually turned out, how they are.
And our brains do the thing where we like look back and say like but look at all the work I put in, look at this plan I had, why why does it not look how I wanted now? It should have happened exactly how I thought because I was ready, and I was working hard and I was prepared and aligned and my freaking fortune cookie told me that I could expect it to work out perfectly.
And then we think that we should have done something differently.
But not in an evaluation and learning type way, but rather in a beat myself up and dwell on mistakes kinda way. In a wallowing in failure kinda way.
And the irony is, when we take disappointment to mean that something IS wrong, belief in possibility dies, and we waste the present and the future on reacting to disappointment instead of finding acceptance and opportunity.
So I wanted to talk about this thought today because I’ve been having it all freakin week. All week. If you follow me on social media (I’m @hannakokovai on Instagram) you may have heard that we had massive snowfall, record breaking in fact, power outages, a few tragic events in the community and just a whirlwind, literally and figuratively, over the last I’d say two weeks.
And NOTHING went as planned. Or at least that’s what I kept thinking. Nothing is working. This isn't how I thought it would look and therefore nothing is going right.
My mom got sick. My sister missed her flights. My aunt was stuck here because the only way out of our town was closed for two days. And moral was low. Haha.
Michael kept saying, you know, the best laid plans. The best laid plans Hanna. Because I was freaking out. I was stressed, to put it lightly.
I literally threw everything I knew about self coaching out the window. If I would have stopped to look at what I was creating for a second I would have noticed that all the things I just mentioned with my family, the power, the snow, those are all circumstances that meant nothing until I decided to think, “This isn’t what I thought it would be and this totally sucks.” I decided that it sucked. The events as they played out didn’t suck, innately, right? I deemed them sucky with my brain. AND further, I allowed these events to mean so many things about me and my ability to create, plan and believe in the life and experience that I want. I let these things suck, which led to disappointment and then I indulged and acted out my disappointment.
So, if you’ve ever done this. If you are doing this right now. Thinking about your day or week or year. Or an individual event or relationship like, ugh this didn’t work. It’s not what I thought would happen. This isn’t where I thought I would be.
And your brain is telling you that the next step once you’ve concluded that this is not what you imagined is to feel bad about that. And you’re like ok great, so for how long? Next step is feel bad. Show disappointment. So now how long should I be mad and disappointed? I wonder how long is an appropriate amount of time to be upset?
I see you. Woman, I see you.
But dude. No. Gotta knock it off.
Take it from me who spent the last week wallowing in disappointment. The next step when you notice that things aren’t how you thought they’d be is to say SO WHAT? What do I want to do with this? With what is.
So give yourself a second to process your emotions but then like, let’s move forward. Let’s get to work. Let’s decide on “so what?”.
Here’s what I’ll offer as an option to do instead when you look at something that wasn’t what you expected. Be disappointed if you must for a minute and then
find a lesson and a learning.
A lesson and a learning.
Retell the story of this result in a way that makes you feel ok, or even excited..I swear it’s possible, you just gotta try…but tell the story of what actually happened or how it’s actually playing out, so that you can keep the feelings you need to process, let go of the ones that are unhelpful and cultivate what you want to feel instead so you can create more with what is happening or has happened.
So there’s like the individual events that aren’t what you thought, like me high centering my car on new years eve and spending the majority of the night freezing my nips off and crying about it for example. That happened. Not what I imagined NYE to be.
But then also like on a grander scale, the general stuff that you thought would be different. “I didn’t imagine that this was how this year was going to be overall. Or I didn’t think that this is what my life would be.” Right?
What will keep you stuck is thinking that because something isn’t how you thought or believed it would be now, that means life is shit and nothing ever will be how you want. Or that this moment requires you to act out your emotions. It doesn’t.
Did you listen to my last episode about believing first? So, remember how hard I was ramming the idea of cultivating your imagination down your throat? Well here’s what happens when you think that this isn’t how I thought it would be and so it sucks.
Your brian double’s down on that dirty thought I was harping on in the last episode: that seeing is believing. Your brains like see, I told you. Not possible because you can’t see it so just stop believing that this will ever work out because look at this proof, not what you thought it was gunna be. See believing first doesn't work?
It’s like double dirty thought.
I thought it would be better, I believed and now it’s NOT that.
And your brain’s like neener neener neener told ya so. So you feel disappointed.
And instead of using that disappointment as fuel for stronger belief, you use it to stop believing.
That little minx of a brain you’ve got in your head, always so sly and trixy. You see what she’s doing right? Your little minx brain, she’s keeping you from trying again. She’s keeping you from growing, from learning, from making your life what you want by telling you that it can’t be.
You know, when my mom got sick while they were in town..shes totally fine by the way...but when she got sick, my aunt said to me, “We were stupid not to know this would happen.” And that got me down for sure. Believing that I was stupid for not knowing that this unexpected thing would happen. I was like you’re right, I am stupid for believing that this was a good idea. I don’t think I’ll ever have Christmas here again because it’s impossible for things to go right.
But think about that. How silly that sounds.
“What an idiot I am for not predicting exactly what the future will look like? It’s time to beat myself up now and just put the kabosh on any future plan-making” ?
I don’t think that we were stupid. I think we were hopeful. Excited. Acting out of belief that we could be together for the holidays. And guess what? We were. We were together. I knew that something could happen, of course. But we were all willing to try anyways. To give togetherness a shot. To make a miracle out of family who has never ever been anywhere other than cleveland ohio for christmas coming to the sierra nevadas to experience a winter wonderland like they've never seen, and to hug their people. That wasn’t stupid. That was belief.
And to keep belief alive through disappointment, you must recognize that an encounter with reality is an opportunity to strengthen belief, not a reason to let go.
We did know this could happen. Just like you know that things can fall apart. That things could get totally fucked. But you do it anyways. Right? It’s like life. We keep signing up for life, every day that we choose to be alive we sign up for the unexpected. We sign up for loss and heartbreak and shitty ass days. But those things that aren’t what you thought or believed they’d be, they don’t mean the opposite of success. They are the moments, years, that prep you for success.
Do you hear me on this? I don’t care if it was your manicure or your man that wasn’t what you expected. Big or small, the things you experience differently than your brain had planned, they have the power to strengthen your belief about what’s good, what’s possible. Imagination and creative thinking and desire can actually thrive through the disappointment of repeatedly butting up against unplanned and unexpected realities.
Your joy, hope, desire, belief doesn’t have to die by the sword of disappointment.
So some of you know I set some big goals for the end of the year. In November I did a final Goal push that I was so thrilled about. I was like rocking the end of the year goal-setting challenge. Turns out, I reached none of them. None. Not one. I swear, this isn’t like but then I came back on January first and crushed it, like no, still no. I set some goals in November for December and I posted them on my Instagram like a little yapping chihuahua and I didn’t hit one.
I declared that I was going to buy a new truck with cash, that was the first goal, and as it turns out, I’m pickier than I thought and the truck I want isn’t available, or at least I haven’t been able to find it as easily as I imagined. So I’m still sitting on my cash pile and no truck and in the interim I’ve spent a bunch of money doing some unexpected repairs on my old Subaru.
My second goal was to do 100 pushups without stopping. I did 40 on December 17th. Then I hurt my shoulder pretty good so now I’m doing zero.
My third goal, as you know, was to organize a family Christmas with everyone from both our families together. And ok, I got that half accomplished. But Michaels family couldn’t come.
And my final goal was to make $10k in December, with two weeks off. So, $10k in two weeks.
I failed at taking two full weeks off and I didn’t make it to 10k, exactly. I’ll tell you what happened in a sec, but literally I did not hit any of the goals as expected. None of it turned out how I imagined. But the point of disappointment for me, I decided, is to fuel my belief, build it up, use it as a benchmark for how big and bold my belief can grow. You know, the whole thing about if you’re never disappointed then you know you’re not doing anything new. All that, right?
So, I get to feel disappointment, AND know that all of those goals are still gunna happen because I learned ALOT from it not turning out how I expected. So now I know more about what to do moving forward. And here’s the other thing: I can notice where the unmet goals were exactly perfect. That’s where I choose to direct my brain when things don’t go as planned…to what did turn out just perfect.
Here’s how I am choosing to think about my goals:
First, with the truck, the universe is giving me another shot at creating what I actually want instead of settling. And I’m learning patience. The Subaru I bought in 2012 was not what I wanted. At the time I thought “I have to get this car because it's my only option and I can’t not have a car.” But this time around I had an opportunity to see that that’s not true at all. I can wait. I want to wait for exactly what I want. If I’m going to spend $40k on a new car I want THE car, not just whatever is in stock, and I feel proud of that choice.
So I’ll still get my truck.
With the push ups goal, I got to know my body better, and it showed me very clearly where I was pushing too hard, and where I need to be willing to listen. It also showed me that I am strong as fuck. I did 40 freakin push ups that I would have never done had I not tried.
So, I’ll still get my 100 push ups.
Thirdly, thank goodness everyone wasn’t here for Christmas! Anyone who lives in Tahoe knows, we didn’t need any more people around trying to survive through that week. And I don’t even mean like survive the emotional roller coaster of Christmas week, but literally survive the physical elements. I got to play hostess, for my parents, who truly did have an incredible time here. My dad seriously was pissed when the power finally came back on because he was geeking out so hard on heating his coffee up over the fire and shoveling snow. What happened was magical in so many ways. I got to have a human experience of disappointment. And let it be okay to feel mentally strained, upset, bummed out.
So, I’ll still believe in making it happen.
And with my 10k in two weeks goal: I learned how to really rest, not like rest how I normally do it which means I still have my phone in my hends, even though I didn’t do it the whole time I had planned. And spoiler, I did actually receive $10k in those two weeks, I just only received the promise and the energy so far. I decided to give two clients who renewed their contracts with me the option for a 6 month payment plan. So technically, the new clients that started with me in December plus these two renewals is more than 10k, but still I felt disappointment in not physically seeing dollas in my account at the end of December. But you know, offering a custom payment plan is not something I usually do but I wanted to feel into the trust, friendship and desire to pour out love & certainty I feel for these women. So I didn’t collect the money, yet, I exchanged the energy and that felt really incredible.
So, I’ll still create that 10k in two weeks, plus lots more in 2022.
What I hope that you learned today was the simple fact that most things will not be how you imagined, but that doesn’t mean anythings wrong or bad or fucked. Nothing is fucked dude. Nothing is fucked.
You get to notice that some things, while different than what you’d imagined, are actually much better!
And some things will feel harder, depending on how you choose to look at it, and thats okay too.
But mostly, things will just be different than the picture you had in your mind.
And welcoming it all will take you to the places you didn’t know you could go.
Fighting with what is now puts you at odds with yourself and it blocks you from finding the good stuff. And we don’t ever have to go there, if we don’t want to.
All the thoughts like, “I thought I’d be married by now. I was hoping my kid would sleep through the night already. I imagined having more sex in my thrities, or more money or more friends.” Notice what they lead you to feel. If it’s anger or frustration or debilitating disappointment and giving up on the belief in creating any of that ever, then you’re choosing into a fight with yourself that makes it harder to live full out in the experience that you do have.
Maybe it’s not what you thought it would look like. But you get to choose to make it look incredible none the less.
I’m so excited for what you choose to see in 2022.
What you create and what you make it mean, it’s all up to you.
Don’t forget to book into a New Year Strategy Session right now. You can find the link to my calendar in the show notes. During our one hour together I’ll teach you how to create results from your thoughts and feelings instead of looking for the results to prove how you can think and feel. It’s gunna be so much fun. We will uncover what exactly you want, what you need to believe and how to believe it now, how you need to feel and what you need to do in order to have the results you want in 2022. We can work on any goal you’re after okay? Big small, same old same old or something totally new. Either way, this year the way you approach it is going to be totally different. So come snag a spot before the end of January and we will work together on creating something in 2022 that you absolutely love. I can’t wait!
Happy new year! I’m already sure that it’s probably not going to be what you thought, but it can be fabulous.