Hanna:
Hello hello my friends how are you doing on this lovely, um, well, it’ll be Sunday when you hear this. How’s your Sunday? What do you all do on Sundays? Is it like rest day for you, family time? Do you work Sundays? When we lived in Yosemite Sunday was massage day and spa night every week. We would have our friend Nicole who was a massage therapist come over to our place and have a fire, and like turn our living room into an oasis, get out all the essential oils and the house would literally smell like a freakin herb garden or like I dunno like the three wise men had visited with their urns of frankincense and myrrh, like all week from just that one night. We would do sick bed at night, have you heard me talk about sick bed? It’s when we would pull out the blow up mattress and put it on the floor in front of the projector and load it with pillows and blankets and just like lounge around. I mean we had a couch we could have done that on but sick bed was a more special occasion.
But then when we first moved back to Truckee where we live now Michael was always working on Sundays at the bar and I would work on Sundays too. Now Sundays I do my scheduling for the week, I use a process I learned from my mentor Brooke called Monday Hour One but I shifted it to Sunday hour one, I teach that to my clients in Private Coaching. I usually go to spinning in the morning if we’re in town and then it’s literally a do what I want day. I’m so curious how people set their weeks up these days considering how the quote work week and mentality of 5 and 6 day work weeks has shifted over the years. I know lots of people now who are doing 3 or 4 day work weeks and maybe that includes Sunday for some people and others I dunno.
But happy Sunday whatever you’re doing and I’m glad you’re here with me today.
I’m excited to talk to you about something that is stopping you from starting in on your goals. From getting started. And it’s the ideas or beliefs you have about the process of achieving your goals. One of the most common things people say when I ask them why they haven’t met their goal before coming to work with me is they say I just know how much it’s going to take. Or I just feel like it’s going to be a lot. Or hard. Or it’s going to take up alot of my time. Or even, I can’t really see myself doing all the stuff I need to do.
And what I have noticed is that this idea of “work it’s going to take” or the process, to get to your goal is just some imagined, made up set of tasks or activities that you are building in your mind to scare yourself out of the worth of your goal.
Think about this, what if what is actually stopping you from going all in on your goal and by all in I mean 100% no matter what I’m committed and inspired to do this. What if what’s stopping you is the belief that the process you have to follow to get there will be super hard, super strict or super not-you?
Think about this for a minute. I want you to imagine something that is a goal you have. Something you don’t have but want. It could be anything. A job. A boyfriend. A new way of feeling.
What do you think the process of getting to that goal will be like?
What will it be like for you to do the things to get to the goal?
IF you’re thinking scary or hard or boring or long or aggravating or confusing or unlike me…or anything else that sounds to your brain like something you wouldn’t want to take part in on purpose, you know that what you think about how the process has to be is what’s stopping you from moving forward or from getting to your goal now.
It’s like a kid not waiting to look under the bed because they imagine this huge hairy scary drooling big toothed monster lurking under there. But if they just looked all they’d see is their legos and old soccer cleats and some dust right?
Like we have this tendency to build up this image in our minds and then scare ourselves out of looking at what it really is. What the process really is.
And all the process really is is deciding how we can show up for our goals AND ourselves, AS ourselves. Deciding, and managing your mind. That’s literally all a process is.
What it really is is whatever you decide you want to do and how you can do it to bring you closer to your goal.
Like I can give you the steps to achieve any goal. I have them in my mind right now. The steps to achieve any goal. Create a belief plan. Manage your thoughts. Process your feelings. I could give you the exact steps list and every person listening to this podcast can complete those steps differently and all achieve your goals. Right like every client I work with comes into coaching like I have this goal to feel better, to heal trauma, to write a screenplay, to lose weight, to love myself, to get over my ex, to design an app, whatever, but I don’t know how. And I’m like okay here’s these steps and we’re going to figure out how to do them in a way that is genuine and inspired to you. A way that feels good. A way that aligns with who you are. Not with how someone you saw on TV might have done it. But how you and only you do it.
Because the secret sauce of getting to any goal is enjoying the process. Not fearing it or hating it or forcing it. But truly enjoying yourself while you’re in it, loving the process in the ways that you do. Because when you are in work that you appreciate and love, you let go of the need to be further along, or to the end.
So I asked a handful of clients who’ve already completed a round or two of coaching with me for some of their ideas about what the process was going to have to look like for them to reach their goals. In other words, I was like what did you think you would have to do that scared you out of going after your goals, that ended up not being true. Or not being part of your process at all? And I got a lot of fun answers. Allot of things that people felt like would definitely be part of the process that didn’t feel fun or authentic or easy for them to do. So Here’s a short list of things that turned out to be not required for success:
A packed schedule
A business suit
A neurotypical brain
Meetings with dudes who don’t listen
Manicured nails and french braided hair (although we discovered that if your goal is to be a real estate agent at the Oppenheim group on Selling Sunset you will most definitely need these things so you might just have to manage your mind to find joy in those things)
Doing it alone
Never failing. That’s a good one. Like the belief that the process has to be perfect or without any failures.
Doing it with a smile. Not required.
Meeting everyone’s expectations. Not required.
All of your energy. Not required.
None of that was required for my clients success even though they thought it was before they started. Those were the monsters that were scaring them out of getting started.
So you need to stop catastrophizing what the process for having what you want will look like and start fantasizing how YOUR process will be. Fantasize about your process. I feel like that’s a great way to get out of this thought process that’s keeping you from starting or offer your brain a counter thought like what would be tantalizing about how I’d do this? What would turn me on about my process. My process will be so fucking fun.
Let’s say your goal is to find a romantic partner. And you haven't met anyone or gone on any dates, because you think that in order to meet someone you have to like go on tinder and go to a bar on a bunch of dates, and that sounds like the worst. What you’re going to do first is ask yourself WHY it sounds like the worst.
If you hate meeting guys at a bar, figure out why, and if you like your reasons, you like your reasons for not wanting that to be part of your process, then stop believing that it has to be. Don’t meet guys at a bar! What would I do to meet someone? How would I meet someone in a way that felt romantic or genuine or on fire for me?
If it feels like enduring torture to get to a goal, I have some bad news: more torture is in your furture. So you need to figure out if it truly IS tortuous and “not you” to include something in your process, like your reasons for that, and if you do like your reasons and you’re like ok yeah that would suck, then don't do it. It’s not meant to be part of your process. There are a million ways to get to a goal, with your unique brain in your head. Your brain takes cues from what it knows like what it sees on TV or in people you know who’ve reached a similar goal and it says well that’s exactly what you’ll have to do, and you’re like oooooohhhh no, I’m not doing that.
It’s like my clients, who come in saying I dunno how I’m going to do this not because the goal is impossible necessarily but because the process to get to the goal looks like something I’m not really a fan of. And I’m like well how do you think the process looks like?
Because the only way they can SEE the process or imagine the process is to look at what other people did to get there and I’m not saying we can’t or shouldn’t take cues from people who did it before and say like hmmm that might be a good way to get from point a to b, but why does it have to look like that? It doesn’t. All that someone else accomplishing a similar goal tells us is that it’s possible for a human to do. It doesn’t tell us how it must be done.
My client Meghan wanted to lose 15 lbs and keep it off. The only way she’d ever lost weight before or could conceptualize losing weight was to spend all her time meal prepping and at the gym, so she had been like waffling back and forth on postponing her road trip in her new van so she could just like hurry up and lose the weight and then go on this adventure after. And I was like does that sound fun to you? And she was like no that sounds miserable and like I am just going to be thinking about how I should be in my van already. And she was like maybe I’ll just go on the adventure and do this weight loss goal when I get back. And I was like okay so why can’t you be in your van and lose weight? And she was like because that’s not how people do it. It would be really hard and I might not enjoy my time. And I was like well you’re not enjoying your time now and what if it would be SO FUN to go for this goal while traveling because you’d be in your van exploring the country and not in a rental unit in a city trying to hurry up and look skinnier so you could go and enjoy your life. You could be enjoying your life now and going for your goal that you really want. So long story short she went on to lose 17 lbs, in her van, not meal prepping, mostly eating at restaurants and having a fucking blast while doing it. And what got her to do that to just start, within the context of her life and who she is and what was going on, was she dropped this thought that it would be too hard and ruin her adventure.
You’re always going to be able to come up with reasons why doing whatever you’re doing now is easier than the process you’ll go through to get to your goals, because the process to get to your goal is different than what you’re doing now. And just being different from what you’re doing now is scary, for your brains!
OMG I’ll be doing something different. I won’t be sitting here looking at my dog and making videos of my dog resting his head on things. Haha have you guys seen my vidoes of ghost resting his giant head on things? He is hilarious. He started doing it like when we first adopted him and he knew it was dinner time he would go over to where we keep his food, and we have it in this giant like garbage can thing that is pretty much the exact height of where he can rest his chin perfectly on top of it while standing and he’ll just stand there and like sign. And we thought that was just the most funny thing ever but now he does it like just when he’s tired of holding his own head up or hes like waiting for me to get my coat on to take him outside or something he’ll find other pieces of furniture like the ottoman or the seat of a chair or the little like cabinet thing I have in the entryway and he’ll just lay his chin on it and stand there, for literally minutes. And I love to film him doing this. It brings me alot of joy and if I could just take vidoes of ghost resting his head on shit and make money as a life coach or light up my sex life or release 80 podcast episodes in a year for youall or any other goal, you better know that I would do that, instead of the stuff that I do need to do to get those goals done.
BUT I also find joy in my process of creating clients and sex and podcasts because I have decided that my processes are mine and they are not too hard or too boring or too agggrivating. AND when I do them I spend less of my off time feeling sorry for myself about not having what I want and more time just taking head resting vidoes of ghost and loving my life. Yeah?
So you can always find things less scary or hard to do, that’s why breaking this thought habit might be tough, but look,
Enjoying the process is possible. Not only that, it’s probably one of the best ways to guarantee that it’ll work.
You know we create processes by asking what would I do next if I knew what was next? And then if it doesn't work we evaluate and ask again. But that question of what would I do if I knew what was next that is about YOU. It is allll about you and what feels true and real and like kindling for your fire.
Right and that’s what the process of getting to your goal is going to be to get you there faster and more efficiently.
I have like a fetish for people’s unique and authentic processes. Like, people whose process is SO THEM, ugh what a turn on. Like you laying on the floor in your boyfriends boxers, while you write the next best selling novel by talking it into a tape recorder and intermittently napping…that’s hot.
You might say that’s lazy or uncommon or inefficient or crazy but I say it’s genius for the girl whose goal is a best selling novel and is an introvert with a learning disability and feels most inspired laying on her shag carpet looking at the cute wallpaper. Right? If she was trying to go to her editors office in the city and typing on a keyboard she might take 10 x as long to produce something not her best work because the process for her would be shitty and annoying and uninspiring.
I love to get dressed up in fun clothes and wear makeup on client calls and when I record content not because that’s what a professional would do, but because it like perks me up and feels fun for someone who lives in a mountain town where everyone wears fucking sorrels and hiking clothes all the time. But some of my clients come to calls from the bathtub. Because that’s their genius process. Like a process that is yours is going to get you results faster than one that you mimic or make “acceptable” by someone else’s standards.
Scaring yourself out of starting because you think your way might not be “right” or “how it’s done”, that’s some bull.
An example I’m thinking of in my life where I just never really felt like I had truly started, because of this fear of the process was in my direct selling business. You may know this but I used to work for an essential oil company, a network marketing company and this was before I really dove into Life Coaching work. I was a health coach and that business really led me to the next and on to here so this little anecdote is in no way a slam on MLMs because holy shit I grew alot, genuinely loved the product I was selling, still use it today obsessively and also learned a lot about marketing and selling and made some money too!
But the way that I’m thinking about that business with respect to this thought of like “it’s going to be alot of work, it’s going to be work that doesn’t feel like mine” those are the things I was thinking, without noticing it until much later, that were keeping me from really starting to explore the bigger goals I had in that business like hitting some of the higher, ranks, we called it, but like the higher income positions.
I never decided to love the process. I never decided to make the process my own. I thought that the process to get to my bigger goal was to literally just do, say, and be exactly like the other people who had already done it. I honestly felt a little like everyone was just a clone of someone else and I made that a huge problem for me because I didn’t truly resonate with the other people I saw succeeding at the goals I wanted. This is not a slam on the business, this is a slam on MY OWN BRAINS ability to stop me from growing my business any further by convincing me that the way I was going to reach Presidential Diamond, thats the highest rank in our company, was going to have to look like all these other women’s process. And there were alot of problems with that in my mind. Firstly, I was working other jobs. And alot of the women who I was looking to to show me the way so to speak, did not. And I was like well I need to just quit my other jobs otherwise this wont work. I also wasn’t religious, I wasn’t married, I didn’t have kids, which again I saw alot of, and instead of basking in the glory of my own unique gifts and talents, I spent ALOT of time in inaction because I was thinking “I can’t look like her, so it will be too hard for me to get anyone to buy.” And what happened was I just scared myself out of showing up and going for it by imagining that the process it 100% took to get there was going to be inauthentic. And It left me uninspired and literally bored with myself. I felt like I was working so hard and getting nowhere because I was trying to do what didn’t feel fun or like me. It just felt like a watered down version of somebody else.
The thought that the process had to look a certain way stopped me from finding my own and sharing out to the world in a way that actually produced the results I wanted.
Right so like yeah there are things that need to happen to make money in a direct sales business like, people need to buy, but HOW you inspire them, how they are influenced, what causes them to feel compelled is not the same for every successful person in the company. You don’t have to teach classes if you don’t want to. You don’t have to have social media. You don’t need to make Reels or have backstock of 5000 products or go to Church. You don’t need to follow a script. But I thought that that was what was required for success. That was my biggest thing was like I don’t feel like me when I’m just regurgitating words written by someone else. Lot’s of people love to have that script there for them but I am not that way. But I thought that that was part of the necessary process.
And like here the thing, I learned SO much about myself, about what I was capable of, about selling, about why people buy, about connection and I made a bunch of money too…so yeah I did it to a point, but the way I was doing that business was not sustainable for me to go beyond my small goals, because of my thoughts about the process it would take to get to the bigger goals.
I think I could probably go back now to that company if I had to and crush it. I know who I am and I know how to think about the process now so that I wouldn’t be so paralyzed in fear that I was doing it wrong or not staying on script or that I wasn’t going to “look” right. But obviously that was there for a reason, I did help a lot of people, I helped myself, that was a huge component of my anxiety healing journey so again, loved, appreciated and necessary, and I just didn't have the tools yet to see that my thoughts about what I HAD to do, how I HAD to be were stopping me from really diving into my process for helping millions of people being essential oils into their homes. And sometimes I feel kinda sad about that honestly, like had I had this coaching then, I might have been able to ask myself those questions like what would this look like if I LOVED my process, if I created my OWN unique and powerful process….but then, I wouldn’t be here with you.
So, It’s like the biggest part of the belief plan for some of you is going to be the belief plan you create about the process itself. Like the “how”.
The “how” is the fun part! It really is, or that’s what I think. You think the how is scary or confusing or unknown but look, the “how” , the process to get to your goals, It’s the imagination-fueled, delusional party you get to throw every day on your way to your goal.
I think delusion is an underrated strategy. Don’t you? Like you’ve gotta be delusional to even begin going after your goal. Delusion is a super power.
You ness should be seeping out of the pores of your process.
It’s supposed to feel scary and confusing and even hard sometimes but if you’re using the anticipation of those things to stop you from going ahead then you’re basically saying that I’m not worth making this process my own, and that’s just a load.
Think about all the people who had to be delusional, throw the imagination party to start the process to do shit their own way and totally own it so they could get to some crazy cool goals.
I was reading about all of these parapelegic and quadropelegic people who are like summiting everest and crazy mountains, I even came across an article about a guy named Ed Jackson I think it was who did the equivalent of Everest on his parent’s staircase, 89 thousand steps or something, and he is paralyzed from the neck down. Like that’s a process that looks a lot different than maybe he would have expected but it was his incredible and unique way of reaching that goal. He had to let go of the belief that the process was going to be impossible for him or embarrassing or too complicated. He had to build a belief about the process being something he could do with joy and purpose and skill and creativity.
There’s a post going around right now about Whitney Wolf Herd, the girl who started Tinder and then left the company because of harassment, sued them. It was a crazy story about how her partner started stalking her or threatening her.
I mean she coulda been like well never going to work in this industry again. Never going to be part of a dating app company even though I conceptualized this idea like the process to do this AGAIN is not only going to be too long and difficult on my own but also the only way to do this looks like partnering with some connected, rich fuckboys and just biting my tongue and the process of working for a new company is going to suck and be so hard. But no she went on to found Bumble, a dating site she created herself where women get to decide if they want contact and they get all the power of the first move. Like not only did she build a dating site again, she did it her way. She created her own process. But you know she had to believe first that there was a process that was her own and that it wasn’t too long or arduous or depressing.
So, your process can be whatever you want it to be.
Don’t use this as a way to get out of the necessary work to achieve what you want, use it as a reminder that anything can be done your way.
Alright my friends, if one of your goals this year is to start working with a life coach, I’m ready for your unique process. IF the thought that’s getting in the way of scheduling a consultation is that the process is probably going to be hard or awkward or too much for you to handle, what if you could take the process easy, fun, and exactly enough…what would you do then?
Love you I’ll see you next time!