Hanna:
Hey hey I cannot believe that I missed episode 50 and shouting out to halfway to 100 episodes this year! Jeez I was completely oblivious when I recorded last week’s episode. 50 episodes recorded for you. 50 big value moments for my people. 50 times I sat in front of this mic being turned on by what was coming out of my mouth anticipating it reaching your ears and insighting some intentional thought riots in your brains and getting so thrilled for you to create bigger value for you.
Goals. I got goals. For this show. For lots of things but for this show I’m hitting the big 100 on New Years Day. And I’m half way there woop woop. Happy dance for me. Happy dance for you hearing me. Never thought I’d be so into talking haha.
In honor of 50 episodes created I’m giving away a free 50 minute coaching session. We can talk about whatever you want, I will coach my tooshy off for you. And all you need to do to enter to win this coaching sesh is to post on instagram your favorite episode of the show and tag me. You can do this on your story, in a post, in a reel, creste whatever you want however you want, just be sure it’s got something about the podcast whether it’s a pic of you listening or a screen shot or a sound bite or you sharing something from the show that helped you, whatever, get creative, be unique, just tag me in it @hannakokovai so that I can see it, and when I do I’ll put you in a drawing. Free coaching. Doesn’t get much better than that. So 50 episodes woop woop I am celebrating today.
I can’t wait to see who I’m going to coach also wow I’m excited. Ok.
So today I’m going to share about a conversion I had with one of my friends. That I thought was really interesting.
You know we have about 10 days until we’re half way through the year and yesterday I was telling this friend of mine about my goals and desires for the coming 6 months and she was like that’s so cool that you think about that in such a focused way, I never do that although I really should try to figure out how to make stuff happen more but I feel like things just happen to me and I have no control anyways so I just like wait for shit to happen and then decide how I feel about it. And mostly I’m happy about how my life is going.
And I was like okay that’s cool that you can have that attitude of like whatever happens happens and I can feel how I want…and feeling happy in general, that’s pretty great, thats very like impressive, but also like on a smaller scale like not talking about like ok gas prices are high and I get to decide how I feel about that, at like a personal life level I said to her you know, you have an incredible life, and that didn’t just happen.
And she was like what do you mean? Yeah it did. I was blessed with a pretty good life.
And we talked for a while about like how she thinks that the stuff she has in her life that she would consider good are things that just happen because life is random and she was blessed with these things like a cool husband and a home she loves and a dog and she has a family that for the most part gets along and friends and she makes good money. And as we were talking I was thinking like, do people just think that what they have is random? Like she thinks my husband just so happens to be super funny and caring and loves to make me breakfast in bed. And I just so happen to have been blessed with this job I was lucky to get. And I can afford to travel because I had a father who worked in finance and taught me about money and so I know about saving and budgeting.
I talk alot about taking responsibility for your emotions, for how you feel, with respect to what we would consider negative emotions. I’m talking alot about emotional adulting here on the show. Like your thoughts create your feelings and so if you’re feeling confused or betrayed or scared or disconnected, check your thoughts and notice how you are creating that, but I wonder how often we take the time to notice the responsibility we have for the good things in our lives now, that were created by a series of thoughts you had to have had, in order to be living the exact life you’re living now, regardless of circumstances outside your control.
And that’s what I want to share with you today. This idea of Radical Responsibility.
The commitment to seeing where you’ve been in total control all along, even when it feels like or seems like you haven’t.
The radical part is about noticing your role in EVERYTHING that you have now. And I am talking about every single thing that you have in your life, taking radical responsibility means I am looking for, on purpose, where I am the creator of all the elements of my life.
Even if it’s not very obvious, this thing in my life is here because I played a part in it’s creation AND it’s still here because I’m choosing it.
So like with my friend who I was talking with, I was like you don’t travel because of your dad being in finance. I know other people whose parents taught them about money management and they are broke as hell. So like outsourcing the responsibility over what you have in your life to other people or to just chance or shit happens randomly or because of luck..that’s not really true to give away that power because sure your dad was a teacher for you when it came to money stuff but you had thoughts about what to do with that information, you had thoughts about what to save for, you had thoughts about travel that led you to open an account where you put money for travel. The “luck” of your dad being in finance meant nothing, it did nothing, until you did something with it in your mind.
And I said to her like that’s a lot of power you’re giving to this thing called luck. Who is luck? Where is this luck person, I’d like to go visit them. Right. And I was like luck is the thing we say is responsible when we’re scared of our own power, instead of thrilled by it. Like what if you could be thrilled to have power? Instead of feeling nervous of it like it’s a hot potato. Did you ever play that game hot potato? Like let me get rid of this responsibility and power as fast as possible it’s literally going to burn my hands here I’ll throw it to you or you or you, just not me.
It makes sense though to not even want it, the responsibility over our lives, because lots of us look at our lives and think it’s not good enough, it’s not safe to have power, it’s safer to just follow. Right, supremacy culture teaches us that we wait to be told what to do, we are not the authority on our bodies, our minds, our lives. So it might not feel safe to come into that power.
And if we take responsibility for everything, that means we are responsible for that doesn’t feel like enough and most people make that a bad thing. But what I want to offer is radical responsibility is freedom. It is the most fun. It is the most promising way to look at our lives. Because if I can do THIS, I can do anything.
Right but people get scared of that power, and even my friend, she was like well it just seems easier to believe that everything just happens by chance. As we talked more about like what created her life and the things in it, she was like having a really hard time noticing that a specific set of thoughts got her everything she has now. That nothing that is happening in her life is random luck…and because of that difficulty, she struggles big time with seeing possibility in creating anything new. Now that’s not a problem, no one needs to create anything new. Even this friend who I said has an incredible life, she does have an incredible life and there’s nothing she needs to do to change it…except that as we were talking she revealed to me that she feels like she’s capable of a lot more or of having a lot more she wants more, desires more, but she just waits for it to happen because she doesn’t know how people create more of anything except to wait for it to unfold.
So the one that finally kind of broke through for her was when we started talking about her husband and her marriage and she was like I am so lucky to have a husband that loves me and that is hilarious and independent and who does these things for me that I appreciate. And I was like did he just drop out of the sky? And she said it feels like that. Like it feels like because they met at a music festival quote randomly that he just dropped out of the sky. And I was like ok but let’s just imagine that he didn’t. That YOU actually put him there. How did you do that? And we talked about her thinking then that led to meeting. And she was like well I was wanting a boyfriend. I was open to a boyfriend. I was trying to live my life based on what I enjoyed and was open to finding someone who had similar interests. I was not like on the hunt I was relaxed about it because I felt like really good about myself at that time like being single was finally OK I had done alot of work on like getting over being single. And as we talked we noticed that there were a TON of thoughts she had to put her future husband in her path. She thought things like, “I’m open to dating someone.” “Im not in a rush.” “I want someone who loves music” “I could date this guy.” “He’s my type.” “I want to get to know him more.” “I am safe with him.” “I am independent and need someone independent too.” “I can make this work no matter what.”
There were SO many more that we talked about. Like even just thoughts that brought her to the festival in the first place and landed her talking to him. And thoughts that led to marriage, even small seemingly insignificant ones like when they were dating she shared that she thought “I am basically married already.” and that led her to act like herself IN a marriage before he even proposed. Like I am basically married and I can just be me, as a married women now, as if it’s already true, it was like the direct line to a no brainer proposal. The thought “I want him and no one else” led her to telling him she wanted to get married. And even like who he IS. She was like it’s just lucky he had all the qualities I was looking for. I was like but there were other guys interested in you, and millions of other guys in the world but you thought “he’s hysterical” “he’s got great taste in music”...those are thoughts. Those are optional. Those were things she chose to believe and he became her perfect, funny, aligned guy. Not because he just IS the most hysterical man in the world and DOES have the best eara for good music..it’s because she things that.
Like there was so much that she could have done differently to NOT get this result of her funny, independent, music-loving husband.
All of those are thoughts. Her thoughts, that led to the relationship with this guy. Not another guy. Not no guy.
And what I want to share with you is:
Your thoughts are working. Your beliefs are working.
Everything you are getting is being led by you. It’s working. It's already worked. Thought work, using your thoughts to create new results, that is NOT a new concept. It’s not new to you. You think it is because I talk about it in a way you may have not heard or considered. But the creation of your life through thoughts is not new to you.
Where have your thoughts “worked”? Where can you see your beliefs have already worked?
One for me I noticed recently is the place we live in. Our house. Like many areas of the country right now the housing market is just fucked and finding affordable housing is a challenge and when we got this place I was like we are just so lucky, sometimes shit just works out and happens and we randomly got this place thank god. Right? But my thoughts, worked. Our thoughts, worked.
We know alot of people. We know amazing helpful people. Those were two big ones I noticed. I dunno if we know alot of people or the right people. Those are our thoughts though and they led us to talking to more people and seeking out the quote right people. If we didnt’ think we knew anyone who could help then we probably wouldn’t have found this place.
We have time now. That was another one. We were living in another place when the pandemic hit and we were okay, we didn’t have to move, but we had this thought that we would eventually probably have to move out and we thought we have time to do this now. That got us into action months before it would have been more dire. Right we had thoughts like this can be easy. We can take time now. And it kinda was and we did. If I was thinking like we will never find something, we are alone in this, we’re so screwed…that would have led to a whole different reality. Right. So your thoughts are always working, even when you don’t notice.
And on the flip side, I want to propose that we all be done complaining about anything in our lives. Because I see that that is a waste of time and complaining about things you have acts to strengthen the neural connection to disempowerment and out of control and negativity. Like why am I spending time making those things stronger?? Even if it’s not obvious, this thing is in my life because I am choosing it. Everything is here because I have thoughts that lead me to keep choosing it.
Your kid is sick and you complain about it, no. You have a child because you had thoughts that created a child who you knew would get sick sometimes and you wanted that, you wanted that risk. You don't have to take care of your kid. Sounds harsh but you don't. You could hire someone or ask your family to do it or send them to daycare anyways or drop them off at the ER or just put them in bed and let them cry or put them up for adoption. If you don’t do any of those things it’s because you don’t want to. Right?
So like complaining about stuff we don’t like means we can’t be celebratory about the stuff we do like either. We are responsible in some way for both. All. How we thought got us to here. How we think keeps us here or moves us somewhere now. It’s up to us.
Having a body, living on the earth with a body, means you’re risking being hurt, or getting disease. Every morning you wake up and you choose to be alive, in your body. It may not feel like a choice but it is. You can choose not to get up, not to be here, not to exist in this form any longer.
And I hope that we can come to a compassionate disagreement if this feels like it’s too much or it’s triggering to you I need you to tap into your own self advocacy and find safety in listening to me, another human with her own ides, opinions and thresholds, put this out for you to consume or not. But like look at where you’ve chosen to stay, to go and that almost nothing is forced. As an adult person your thoughts guide you to where you are, whether you have noticed or not. So take credit. Take it all. You are here now because you had thoughts that brought you to right here.
Ok so this isn’t to say that when shit happens that is awful we find fault in ourselves and create shame about playing a role in what happened. There is a difference between fault and responsibility. Fault is shame-inducing and responsibility is empowering.
You life is not something to be ashamed about. What you have, even the things that feel hard or like not enough yet to you, aren’t for you to sit in shame over. Everything is here because of this epic power I have.
I don’t think your dreams and desires just happen. It’s not chance. I think that there are circumstances in your life out of your control but I think that the things that you can look around and say this was once my dream…to have a dog, to be married, to have a child, to own a business, to travel, to wear my hair this way, to go to this show, to be an expert at this thing, to have a relationship with my family, to sit on this custom couch and watch TV all day and rest…this was once my dream, this was once something that I desired and now I have it…it’s not random. It’s not because that’s just shit that happens. Just because you’re 30 doesn’t mean you get a partner or you get an apartment or you get nice skin or a PhD…like you make all of those things, with your mind. So I just invite you to look around at your life, the life you have right now, and notice how you made it.
In case you missed it, the Communication Masterclass I created is available until June 30th. It’s 20 bucks. Go to hannakokovai.com/communication to get that. It’s seriously great. Lot’s of wonderful feedback already about people communicating like pros. Check that out.
So glad to have you here tuning in. I am going to be cranking out more episodes than ever in the second part half of this year so we can have 50x more value by 2023 so I hope you’ll stick around here if you enjoy the show and I hope to see those of you ready to take it to the next level in private coaching with me in the second half of the year.
Keep creating your lives powerfully. I’ll talk to you next time.