Let's Talk Dirty

PODCAST episode 1 : Pilot

Intro:

Welcome to Let’s Talk Dirty, the podcast for evolving humans with dirty minds. Spoiler, that’s all of us. 

We’re here to clean up the everyday thoughts that keep us stuck. 

Ready to get results in your life? Or are you going to be caught with your pants down? 

Let’s Talk Dirty with your host, Certified Life Coach & Master of Habit Change, Hanna Kokovai

Hanna:

Hey you dirty little humans, welcome to the first episode of Let’s Talk Dirty! 

My name is Hanna Kokovai and I am a Certified Life Coach specializing in helping women (and some evolved men) get what they want by using nothing but their thoughts. If it sounds too good to be true, great, because THAT is just the thought we need to work on cleaning up first! It’s too good to be true isn’t going to be helpful in using this work to get results in your life. And it’s also NOT TRUE. The reason I know it’s NOT too good to be true is that I used to believe that I was always going to be anxious, depressed, broke, unhappy in relationships and unhappy in my body. And when I first found coaching I thought it was a bunch of woo woo bs and that changing your life without any fancy tools or lots of money or without changing the “hand you were dealt” sounded too goo to be true. 

But here’s what:

I didn’t use anything except my own brain to change my whole life. So it’s totally possibly to change your own life with the brain you have now. You don’t need a lobotomy or a lab coat or anything except a little bit of awareness and willingness. So what if it wasn’t too good to be true? What if it were possible to create big shifts with just some work on your own thoughts? And on this podcast I’m going to share how to start!

Today I’m going to introduce what to expect on this show so you can decide if it tickles your fancy or if you still want to choose to think it’s too good to be true you are free to go listen to something different. I’m also going to talk a little bit about Anxiety today just a little to kinda of get some meat on these dirty bones here, because that’s kinda my jam. Anxiety. And as it turns out, it’s a lot of people’s jam, so I wanted to start there to give you a little taste of how I coach and what my style is like. So if you consider yourself an anxious person, sup. Get comfy, we’re going to jam on this a lot on this podcast or like some iteration of anxiousness…stress..worry…comparison…fear… But if anxiety is not what ails you its cool because we’re literally going everywhere on this show. And I am going to ask for your input as well here so if you have a thought or a feeling that you would like me to coach on, send me a message on my website hannakokovai.com and I will create a show for you.

Did you know that your thoughts are what create your life? With your thoughts you can literally create anxiety, stress, shame, fear….and you can also create determination, joy, neutrality, love.

A lot of us are raised to think that it’s what happens in the world that creates our experience. But what if we are actually totally in control of what we feel and the results we get through how we choose to think? 

Stay with me. This is where I got lost initially assuming that this was a bunch of woo woo affirmation song and dance… I’m not saying that you can will someone not to die. Or if you think that there aren’t people starving in the world there won’t be, No that’s called denial. I am saying though that your PERSONAL experience of how you feel and how you act and show up in the world and ultimately your whole life all stems from how you think, not from what happened. And that MOST of our thoughts are actually not facts, even when we think they are. We will get into that a little more in the next few episodes. But I’m saying that we don’t need to eradicate suffering or find the fountain of youth to feel good and great and in control. We must only decide to think on purpose. And that’s a pretty new concept for most people so.

If this seems intriguing, as it was for me when I first heard this idea, then I invite you to stay for a bit! 

I also invite you to stay if you are feeling like you’re stuck or unsure about some component of your life. Or even If you are feeling okay, or even good about your life or your career or your relationship but you know there’s gotta be more, you want more. If you’re feeling stressed or anxious, or frustrated…you’re my people. So hang out.

I also invite all the fearful and confused, the judgmental, perfectionists and people pleasers. The self sabotagers and professional self-helpers. Get in here. I resonate with you all and there is going to be something for every one of you on the podcast.

This is a place for humans with brains to get some clarity, have a couple of those “aha” moments that us Coaches are always on about. 

In this podcast we explore the dirty little thoughts that keep us from having what we want and keep us feeling the feels that we don’t want. 

So if you are a human this podcast is for you, but in my personal coaching practice I am a Life Coach for people with high functioning anxiety. So you’re going to especially like this show if you have a tendency toward anxiousness, stress, general worry and overwhelm about anything. 

I help women to retrain their brains and grow beyond baseline. In other words, I help people evolve and thrive, not just check off the dates on the calendar until you die. I started working with a Death Doula recently, have you guys heard of this? And she introduced this concept of if we are earning our life through contribution we must also earn our death through living! I thought that was so spectacular. Like death is inevitable right, like a part of being a human, and what if we committed to earning that day where we get to look back and say yes, I really lived here as a full blown human and was feeling all of the feelings and working on thriving through life to meet death full up with the human experience.

So this is what I want for those of you struggling in any way with your humanness but also to pay attention if you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing anxiety in your life, because that is a very large part of my human story and what really drives my passion for contributing in the way that I do. I am honored to share my story and these tools for more awareness and thought work with you.

So, where my anxiety peeps at? It looks like a lot of different ways right? Or a combination of all the ways anxiety was driving my life experience…Maybe like me, you’ve been to therapy or counseling or you like to talk to your spouse or friend about it a lot but that isn’t really going anywhere but in circles.

Or maybe like on the surface, you pretend like anxiety isn’t there to get through the day or use different false pleasures to numb the feeling…mine was alcohol, food, and other people. Maybe you fight against it a lot like I used to and you ignore it and double down on your work to get your shit done and you feel exhausted and drained and confused and maybe even fake sometimes right? Because you’re tryin to be super woman and maybe you’re getting up, most days, and doing your job but it feels like an act. I remember it feeling like an act. Especially if you experience anxiety and you’re a little type A..like you like things the way they “should” be but your anxiety seems to get in the way of that and then you spin out and get anxious about being anxious. 

That was, I thought, one of the worst things for me when I was feeling the physical manifestations of anxiety—headaches, dizziness, tight chest, increased heart rate, sweaty hands and feet and then cold flashes and tremors...and living in fear of experiencing those sensations every day. I was so terrified of anxiety itself that I could give myself panic attacks at the drop of a hat just thinking that I was worried about anxiety. 

If you have experienced anxiety you can probably relate to some of that. Right? And like going to conversations or locations that resemble places that you’ve experienced anxiety in the past, your brain does this awesome connect-the-dots game where it instantly transports you into a state of panic because it’s like, “hey I remember this place. I know that person. I’ve read this email before...this is where you feel anxiety! You’re welcome.” 

We’re going to talk about how funny our brains are sometimes on this podcast. I promise we’re going to start laughing at ourselves a little more here.

But the point being that my clients and hopefully you if you’re still here, want to start enjoying their day to day, bring more of your true self to your relationships, work and to the world without the stress or anxiety driving the bus. My goal is to help your evolution by bringing awareness to how much control you really have over their emotions..and control doesn’t mean stress, to do lists, insomnia, dwelling or FIGHTING against yourself — I think there’s so much untapped creativity and uniqueness in the world because we are blocking ourselves by indulging in these emotions of overwhelm or confusion or stuckness. And when we get into this habitual anxiousness we start to utilize energy to fight against us. 

We blame ourselves and shame ourselves. We stay up at night indulging in worry and all the ways we could be better and then...at least this is what I did...wait for the sun to come up and then be mad at ourself all over again for not getting any sleep. 

I want to show you that you can Live your life as you, a human being with emotions, and sometimes, maybe a lot of the time when you first start doing this work, you feel anxious... but you are not defined by anxiety. 

Hear me when I say this because this is a really important point: you are not defined by your emotions. Like people come to me and the first thing they tell me “I am anxious.” 

As if they are just informing me of what they are. 

Like, Hi! I’m Hungarian. I’m a woman. I’m anxious. So here’s a bar of soap to wash out your mouth with, because 

You are NEVER an emotion. Don’t tell yourself any different. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are you, and there are moments in which you feel anxiety. There are moments that you will feel sad or ashamed or uncomfortable…and those moments will pass and you will feel more emotions. But here’s the thing, you cannot BE a feeling because if you could you’d have to commit to Being ALL the feelings because feeling is impermanent and very changeable and we all feel many many feelings throughout any given day or week or lifetime. Right. 

So I am Hungarian. That is my heritage. My father immigrated here from Hungary. That is unchangeable. I am not anxious. Nor could I be defined as such so stop defining yourself by your emotions and stop believing other people if they define you or someone else by their emotions. And this might sound trivial but let me tell you why 

We are taught to speak this way from the time we learn language and I think it’s really damaging. To believe as fact that you ARE anything but yourself is dangerous. You are not your thoughts you are not your emotions you are not even your actions. You are you and you HAVE human experiences, thoughts, feelings. But when we identify ourselves as anxious or as stressed out, it creates this heuristic or mental shortcut in your brain that becomes engrained to the point that you become a walking self fulfilling prophecy. 

I am not a single dimensional being that can be labeled as any one emotion. I am not sad. I feel sadness sometimes. I am not happy, but I can choose to feel happiness. 

Part of the problem here is in the intricacies of language right? And if I was a conlanger (a person who creates constructed language) or a linguist I would certainly take issue with how we Tell people what we are feeling ..we are taught to say “I am...and then insert whatever emotion we’re currently experiencing” but now that I’ve done some work to become more aware of my own brain and the flow of thoughts into feelings, I truly believe we have a way of screwing ourselves over just simply with the language we choose. 

So as I said, here is your metaphorical bar of soap, use it to scrub out this old unuseful thought that you are anxious. Or you are are stressed. Or you are anything but yourself. Ok because when you repeatedly choose that way of thinking, it just makes you feel more anxious, and inevitably leads to action or inaction that creates…guess what, more anxiousness! 

My challenge for you is to challenge that thought and Replace it with I feel anxious. I feel stressed. And let the simple word swap bring you a little peace in knowing that if you only feel some kind of way, and you aren’t actually that kinda way at your core, then you of course have the capacity to change. To grow. To feel differently about anxiety, about yourself. You aren’t a stuck being, trapped by this emotion that you are innately. You are a fluid being, who may often feel a specific feeling, but it isn’t part of you, it’s something you can release or process through. I promise. We just have to do a little cleaning up, right? 

And it starts in your thoughts. There are millions of thoughts that you can think at any given time, but you are not defined by them. Thoughts are sentences that you can choose to believe or not. 

You have the ability to curate your brain space, as much as you might think otherwise, we are going to talk a lot about cultivating awareness on this podcast and questioning what you choose to think. 

For example, I had a client the other day that told me, “I am bad at first dates” and from that thought she felt defeated. And from there guess what she showed up at her date and proved that she was bad at first dates because she had defeated herself before she even went. 

But here’s what:she was choosing to define herself as  “someone who is bad at dates.” The thought came from one time that she got sick on a first date and threw up and had to leave the date early. But her definition of herself as someone who sucks at dating didn’t come because she puked on a date. It came from what she made that mean. She chose to define herself by this thought that isn’t even true. How do we know its not true? Because the same thing has happened for other people and they didn’t choose to think “I’m bad at dating”…some of them maybe thought “Wow that guy was an asshole he didn’t even offer to drive me home after I got sick” or maybe, “That was hilarious” or Some might have simply thought, “People get sick sometimes, I’ll call him when I’m better” 

But we do this right where something happens in the world, we have a thought about it and then we define ourselves by that thought. But if people can choose to have different thoughts at any given time, and even change their thoughts throughout their lifetime, then you cannot be your thoughts. You have a brain that offers thoughts, you control which ones to keep thinking. Boom. Power.

Now to hopefully help us to get to a place of more power,  I am going to talk on this podcast about common thoughts that keep us humans feeling negative emotions that then create negative results. So I’ll actually be walking you through specific examples of thoughts and how to take a peek at what’s happening in your brain and then how to start choose something new if you want to. 

 And frankly,  I think this work is fun. Granted, that’s just my thought. But still, to an extent, I think it’s pretty fun and exciting and also even light. Yes, thought awareness and implementing tools to,  borrowing a term from a fellow coach here , unfuck your brain is literally going to change your life…AND let’s stop making all of this such a big deal. Like, the reality that I faced early on in my adult life is that thinking that everything is a huge problem makes even more problems…when in truth they aren’t even problems. 

So your kid doesn’t want to go to college. So? 

So your husband plays video games. And?

So your friend told you she doesn’t vote. Yeah?

So you just yelled at your mom.

Here’s a bold idea: What if none of that means anything? What if it It doesn’t really matter? It doesn’t. It only matters  and means something when you decide to think that it does. When you decide it means something that makes you feel crappy, it’s crappy. If you decide that yelling at your mom means you’re a bad person and you should feel guilty for the rest of your life, just know that you need to own that as a problem you created. 

We aren’t really that significant here in all of this. I’m not saying this to make you feel insignificant. I am saying it to let you know that you have all the power to make your life about whatever you want to make it about. 

If we could get on board with the idea that none of it really matters, than what the hell is the point of stressing, worrying, trying to problem solve everyones supposed mistakes…if you have the power to create problems for yourself when none even exist, then you have the power to also release the need to see everything as a problem. So, this work is here for us to grow and evolve into what we want our place to be in the world. What is important to you is only so because you’ve decided it is so, so when we are looking at and working on these thoughts that keep us stuck, let’s give ourselves a little grace. 

Ok? Let’s stop all this seriousness and like “life is over” think, because when your mind tells you that it’s a huge problem that your date didn’t show up, you have the power to believe it or not. And the or not part is where we can go to actually laugh at ourselves a little, to see our silly primitive brain as an observer and start to believe that we are in control over what we choose is a problem and what is just some nonsense that we don’t need to keep on entertaining as important. 

If you aren’t willing to laugh a little at the ridiculousness of our brains ability to make everything a huge fucking problem, then maybe this isn’t the place for you. Because I’m going to call you out for making everything harder than it needs to be. 

So I want you to know just a few more things about where I’m coming from as you move forward with your chosen listening. You’ve got a lot of options out there, a lot of things to read, watch & listen to that are all offering you...well...a bunch of thoughts. 

And if you jive with what I’m all about here, great! But be warned, I’m pulling back the sheets and letting it all hang out...of our brains that is. 

We’re going to talk about dirty thoughts that keep us stuck. And it’s going to be uncomfortable. And embarrassing. And maybe even a bit irritating to become more aware of the way we think and how that creates our life. You might be like ugh, Hanna, don’t show me that! I don’t wanna see it! I actually felt find before you started showing me my brain. Girl, I got you, because just like we all have human bodies  in all colors and shapes and sizes and textures...we all have human brains with all kinda thoughts. Over 60,000 per day in fact. And when we examine ourselves in all of our humanness, it sometimes feels uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong or that you are wrong or bad. 

Having thoughts that keep us from accomplishing goals or mending relationships or showing up for our kids or for ourselves is all okay. 

So yes, I refer to these thoughts that keep us in same, stunt our evolution or bring up unwanted feelings as “dirty”....but I’m always using air quotes. Because dirty thoughts as I’m defining them here are not bad. 

Sometimes these dirty thoughts might feel intoxicating or tempting. Many of these thoughts are likely ingrained beliefs that we’ve adopted somewhere along the way and we’ve created strong connections with these thoughts. We want to hold these thoughts close because letting go feels impossible and staying with them feels comfy af. 

I call it being in bed with your brain. Your brain says, “You’re no good” and you’re like “omg you’re so right, lets make out.”

It’s like sleeping with a guy that you know isn’t for you but you keep going back over there anyway. For months after you realize that there’s only like a few minutes of the whole experience that you enjoy and the rest makes you feel bad, you keep justifying why those few minutes are worth it. 

It’s easy to stay bc it’s habitual. Because there’s some of the experience that we like, and if we leave we’ll be giving up the good parts too. And the worst part of why we stay is because we forget that we are in control. 

So this is how it works with our thoughts. 

You have this thought, “I’m not enough”

And for the most part that thought makes me feel defeated and depressed. Our brains are really good at convincing us that our thoughts are totally true and we jump in bed with our brains and stay there. Even though we feel depressed and defeated. Because its a habit. And some part of that thought feels good…probably because when we feel depressed we don’t take any action and we just stay comfy and safe and our brains love that….AND we eventually forget that we have control over what we think and so we just agree, I’m not enough. It just is what it is. 

NO!

Get out of bed. Your thoughts do not run the show unless you let them. Take off the covers. Turn on the light. Get in bed with what makes you feel good!

So as I said before, this work can be fun if you’re willing to hear yourself think, laugh a little and then just know that if you wanted to challenge how you think, you totally can! Or not. There’s nothing wrong with staying comfy a little longer, or a lot longer, or forever. Literally nothing is wrong with what you choose to think right now. But this podcast is going to turn the lights on when you’re naked. So, you’ve been warned. 

One of my favorite long term relationships with my brain’s thoughts was when I decided that I’m always late. I spent so many years in that thought that I am always late. That’s one of my personal favorite dirty little thoughts. I liked thinking that I’m always late because when I believe and accept this thought and it just makes itself right at home under the covers in my brain, it means I don’t ever have to be on time. And our brains love to be right. I’m always late. Leads to being late. Leads to making out with my brain over how fricken dead on she is about me and how I am. 

These dirty thoughts make it easier for you to live in compliance of not changing...kinda like when you’re in a relationship that you know you don’t really like, but you stay because it’s comfy. 

So, that’s what we’re talking about here in these conversations. We’re going to get really curious about our human brains, we’re going to have brave conversations about real issues and we’ll be turning up the dial on thought awareness. This is a podcast for humans who want to evolve. And we’re gunna talk dirty. 

We’re here to talk about how thoughts are intoxicating and tempting because most of our thoughts, spoiler, are just other people’s thoughts that we adopted as our own somewhere in childhood or along the way and 

Became ingrained beliefs and we’ve created a strong neural connection and changing feels gross and staying same feels sexy af, somehow. 

Thoughts that we’ve had for a while feel unchangeable bc they make us right, and your brain hates being wrong.  We all have dirty thoughts because they are so easy. It doesn’t require any work to keep thinking what you’ve always thought. 

But let’s come here to flip that! Changing feels hard and gross until we start seeing what’s on the other side of that and then we can see that staying the same is actually less desirable. 

So the question becomes do you want easy or do you want a great big full life of boldness & joy and equal parts pain & sadness and evolutions and reinventions and unconditional love & humanness? 

Are you willing to go all in? To show up for all of it? 

I hope you decide to join me here as we take a closer look at our human brain and uncover how our thoughts create our life. 

Until next time, it’s okay to get a little dirty. 

Outro: Thanks for talking dirty with us. If you enjoyed today’s podcast, 

please leave a review wherever you listen or shimmy on over to the website at www.hannakokovai.com/podcast to share your thoughts and find the show notes on all past episodes.