Hanna:
Welcome to Episode 17
It’s December and Michael and I just cooked a Chanukah dinner last night and it was quite fun and we are getting ready for my family to take the train out to visit us where I live in the mountains because Christmastime is just so beautiful here and I’m like really feeling so warm and jolly and you know, I have my podcast topics planned out ahead of time and I was like sitting down to record today and thinking like aww maybe I had the foresight to plan a nice homely episode about like having more patience with your family or like peaceful thoughts to make the holidays merry and bright but you know what I planned? I planned for talking about sex!
Which is great and is actually a point I want to make about sex and having more sex or pleasure if you desire that….you’re not always gunna feel like it. Like right now I want to talk about twinkle lights and reading a nice novel in front of the fire but I planned to talk about sex today and that’s what we’re going to talk about. If I wouldn’t have planned it this way, if I would have just said Oh it would be nice if I talked about sex on one of my podcast episodes, well this probably wouldn’t have happened today and those of you that need to hear this particular message woulda missed out because of my thoughts.
So you’re welcome.
Today we’re talking real dirty because we are talking about sex so get your airpods hooked up because I am gunna say the word sex lke 500 more times. If you’re turned off by this topic because this thought about sex isn’t for you I want you to try this….
Think about something you think would be nice to have. Because that’s really the dirty part of this thought right? “It would be nice if…”
That’s the dirty part of this thought. That’s the part that needs some cleaning up.
Ok so what would it be nice if you could have?
Maybe it’s more money. Or more time. Or more confidence. It would be nice if I loved myself more or I could stop overeating. Or maybe it would be nice to invent an app and work remotely and not have to see a bunch of idiots every day and hire someone to do everything for you. ( I literally just asked Michael to finish the sentence “It would be nice if…” and thats what he said)
So you guys, whatever it is that you think it would be nice if, don’t be shy about taking a look at it. Nothing sounds stupid or too brazen or bold.
Whatever it is, like having more sex with your partner or a partner or multiple partners or with yourself. (And when I say sex today I’m talking about any form of physical connection that you want, not just the act of sex. Maybe it’s more kissing. Maybe its more cuddling. Maybe its more orgasms. Maybe it’s AN orgasm. Maybe it’s different sex.) Whatever it is, that isn’t the dirty part.
The dirty part is when we think “it would be nice”.
Because it would be nice is a thought that does what?
You’ve been listening to me long enough to know this.
What do you do when you think a thought like it would be nice?
You move on from having the thing.
You think It would be nice, you don’t commit to having it.
It does nothing to get you doing anything different.
Dreaming versus doing…or more than likely complaining versus doing or resenting versus doing.
Think about when you say the phrase “it would be nice” outloud. It’s usually when someone else has something you want that your brain tells you that you couldn’t ever have so you’re like “ugh, wouldn’t that be nice.”
Or you’re complaining about what you don’t have and you’re like “Well it would be nice if I could have this but I don’t”
So it’s not even dreaming, it's your brain just convincing you of impossibility.
It’s a thought of impossibility.
And when something is impossible to your brain, what is the point of action?
“It would be nice” keeps you in the safe zone, because to WANT instead of wish would risk disappointment. So instead of risking disappointment by actually wanting, you jump straight to disappointment now by believing that this is something you can’t have.
It would be nice if we had more sex. And here’s all the proof that it would be nice for someone that doesn’t have this proof of impossibility.
So what’s your proof?
It would be nice but we don’t have time.
It would be nice but I am single.
It would be nice but I’ve been married for 30 years.
It would be nice but they don’t want to.
It would be nice but I suck at initiating.
It would be nice but my kids, my dog, my roommate, my weight…
And that’s where some of you are at with sex. Let’s just go there. You think you want more sex or better sex but you’re stuck in “It would be nice if…”
That thought is NOT a decision to have more sex.
That is a pity party.
You’re not doing anything when you think that way.
Making a decision is required for the nice thing to actually happen.
It’s not up to your partner. Or for Tinder to change it’s algorithm. Stop blaming people while you party with your pity.
Ok so do we see this? “It would be nice if” is not helpful in the creation of your experiences. It is maybe helpful if you want to sit around get lucky. Right? That’s what we call sex sometimes. Getting lucky. Luck requires no effort from you at all, in theory. Right? But even getting lucky requires that you be at least available. And it would be nice is not you being available to receive anything. It’s a commitment to staying exactly as you are. So yeah, it’s not even helpful in getting lucky.
So here’s the question: Do you want more sex or nah?
Because this thought is one that we think is like telling what we want. Wow it would be really nice to connect more with my person through physical touch. Like that sounds so thoughtful and delightful. But it’s actually pretty vacant. It’s like what I think an empty promise would sound like.
We can have more sex as long as I don’t have to do anything differently or try harder than I am right now or be any more purposeful with my thoughts.
Turns out nah I don’t actually want it I just want to keep thinking it would be nice.
So do you want it?
Do you want it more than doing what you're doing now that feels comfortable?
Not having a conversation about it feels more comfortable than talking about it.
Not getting support around it feels more comfortable than making an effort to find what you need.
Not getting out of your pjs and making a move feels more comfortable than moving. Not asking for it. Not trying something different. Those are all the instant gratifications that we have to be willing to let go of if we really actually want more sex.
And then, why do you want it?
This is something we coaches are always on about right? What’s your WHY? Why is it important to YOU? For you?
And this might be difficult for you if you’re not privy to and conscious of the historical conditioning around sex that it’s not for us anyways.
If you can’t think of a reason you want more sex for you, then it’s going to be really hard to break away from well that would be nice one day…
Right? Because historically sex was for you to be a good wife. To procreate. To make sure your partner didn’t leave you. To make sure you looked a certain way for other people. If you want to have more sex because your friend has more sex that isn’t going to be a very compelling why.
All of those why’s are for someone else. The husband, the child, the partner, the society.
What is YOUR why?
This might be a new concept for you in this area, in relationships in general. Like why do you want sex for you? Why do you want a husband? Why do you want a relationship? Your whys. Something to think on and spend some time exploring.
So why do you want to have more sex?
Maybe it’s to build the belief that female pleasure is important, and to celebrate that. Maybe it’s because it is fuel and energy and love and nourishment to feel desire and desirable and playful and sexy.
Why would challenging yourself to create this be worth it?
Why do you care?
And your why is the thought that you pull when It would be nice if… starts to happen. It would be nice if we had more sex…actually brain, here’s why I want to have more sex. Here’s why it’s worth it to me to build resilience here when it doesn’t work how I want it to the first or 50th time. Your why will bridge the gap between wishing and doing.
So you’re gunna be like okay but knowing why I want to have more/better/different sex and getting rid of the thought It would be nice, isn’t enough. I need the steps. I need you to tell me how to initiate sex. How to have a conversation about it. What should I wear? When should I ask? How should I start? What do I actually do? Hanna I thought this episode was going to be like Have More Sex for Dummies. I need the tips and tricks.
Listen, I don’t know those answers for you. I just don’t. I am not your sex guru. Even though that would be awesome. You are your own sex guru. I promise you even if you haven’t had sex in 5 years, you are still your own sex guru. And the ONLY reason you aren’t having the sex that you want right now is becuase of your thoughts.
That is it. That’s Sex for Dummies in one sentence.
It’s not the right words. Or the right apps. Or the right partner. Or the right toys. Or the right anything outside of your brain.
Why do you think other people have more sex than you?
Like there are other people that you know right now or know of at least that have sex like you want to have it. More of it. More passionate. More gentle. More exploratory. More fun. Whatever.
What’s your brain tell you about why they have that?
I’ll tell you why. It’s because of their thoughts.
It’s not because they are hotter. Or they don’t have kids. Or they are in a long term relationship. Or they just have sex appeal. Or they drink or they’re single. Or young. Or have more time.
Or any other thing you can come up with I call bullshit.
It’s not even because they are more confident. You know you can have sex with zero confidence? If you’ve had sex before, you might think about the first time you had consensual sex with yourself or a partner. Were you confident in your ability to have sex then? Probably not. But you did it anyways. You figured it out. And it probably looked really weird. And confusing. And it only lasted 5 seconds. But no one needs confidence to start doing something. You build confidence through trying and not giving up.
So it’s not because someone else has a secret process or better abs or a better partner.
No, those are all YOUR thoughts about why you can’t have more sex.
Their thoughts are getting them the sex.
They are in bed with their lovers and you’re in bed with your brain.
Haha.
Listen, love your brain. Love it fiercely. I always want you to love you for where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing and thinking. Understand your thoughts with compassion.
And here’s a secret about great relationships: they challenge you.
So to have a great relationship with your brain, you must be willing to challenge it sometimes.
I’m going to say that again: To have a great relationship with your brain, you must be willing to challenge it sometimes.
Compassion does not mean I agree. If your brain is telling you It might be nice to have more sex but you can’t have more sex because it’s been 10 years and you’ve never had an orgasm with a partner before, have compassion for how true that feels and how that thought keeps you safe.
But feel free to disagree.
If you’re all cuddled up in bed with your thoughts all the time just making out with your brain over how right she is all the time…. You’re missing the thoughts that might sweep you off your feet.
Not all of us like that feeling of being swept off our feet. It’s disarming, and we like to be in control and be safe and know the ground that’s under us. But magic happens when you’re willing to go where it’s scary.
When you’re willing to stand up and take the covers off and look at your thoughts and say I wonder if there’s more. I wonder if there’s more here than laying in a complacency of my own making. I wonder if I could build the sexual relationship of my dreams.
Challenge the thought that “it would be nice but you can’t have more/better/fulfilling sex” because at the end of the day it is just a thought that will keep you having less, worse and unfulfilling sex. Right?
Do you know why I named this podcast let’s Talk Dirty?
Because talking boldly and openly and consciously about thoughts is like talking about sex.
It’s revolutionary to most people. It feels icky and weird and totally uncommon to turn on the lights and see it all. Let it all hang out, so to speak.
But when we aren’t afraid to go there, when we aren’t afraid to be honest and raw… or if we are afraid but we do it anyways…we find the pleasure we didn’t know we could have.
Right? That’s what this show is for, ultimately. Finding pleasure through all of this.
All the imperfections and ruffled covers and past stains that just won’t come out and the softness and the passion and the frustration and the release — that’s exactly what it’s like in our brains. It’s a mess. A beautiful mess. Our beautiful mess.
So don’t mistake wishing for more for manifesting or wanting more. Wishing doesn’t risk. And that’s where we need to go if we truly want more. To risk failing and flailing around looking like we don’t know how…so we can create resilience and find our way.
Ditch the daydreaming. Decide what you want. Know why you want it. And go and create something new.
So listen up you guys before I let you go plan on having amazing sex if you want it this week…this podcast is just the tip. Just a little bit. Just to see how it feels….Coaching I mean. I am talking about Coaching.
This podcast is a free resource that is as much as I can possibly give you guys without actually being in a coaching partnership with you..and it’s alot. There is alot here. And it literally is like 1 % of what you could do if you were coaching one on one with me. Know that. Please don’t miss out if you are loving this show and what I share you’re going to be mind blown by what you’ll actually do with private coaching. And please don’t miss out on the customization that I can’t provide here on this show. I am speaking to you, but I am speaking to all of you at the same time.
And you might have trauma or wounds that others don’t have. Your conditioning, and patterns that have been rooted in you and only you for years are going to influence what and how this Coaching helps support you. You need to start where you are. Not necessarily where this podcast episode or any other podcast episode humbly assumes you are.
You are not listening here to take every thought I offer, because everything I offer here is not for you. Not for you as a woman of color, a woman with your religious or spiritual upbringing, a woman with children, without children, or a wife or a company that you run, or a woman with the exact moral values and beliefs that you hold dear. No, lots of this isn’t for you.
But inside private coaching, it will be all for you.
Now is the time, right? We aren’t just here to say well that would be nice. A private coach would be nice. It’s cool that some people have that and it would be nice.
You can have a private Coach. Hear that. You can have a private coach. This isn’t some pie in the sky, like 16 year-olds fantasy of having a private stylist that costs $30,000. No. This is real life. You need 1 hour per week of time to be present with your coach, which you definitely have. A human brain to train to work for you. And a desire to be great at being you. Thats it. So if you’re not just here to sit back and hope everything works out, come to Coaching. Book into a Consultation on my website or send me a direct message and let me know that you’re here to want it instead of just noticing that it might be nice.