Hey bitches. I think that’s how I’m going to greet you from now on. Sup bitches. I love you so so much I’m glad you’re here for episode 62 where we talk about how it’s all downhill from here.
Haha no we are talking about how dead wrong that actually is but how unconsciously we buy into this belief that things go downhill like, after 30. Haha. That’s kinda what sparked the idea for this one for me I was talking to a friend who is single and said to me “everythings downhill after 30 so it’s just that much harder to date.”
And I’m just not buying this. Because I was noticing as she was talking it didn’t even really sound like her to me. It sounded like some regurgitated infomercial about Metamucil. Feeling sluggish and blocked? Weighed down, yeah, that’s typical.
Haha right it was like I heard words coming out of her mouth but I was seeing someone who was tethered to something bigger that was pulsing ideas through the power cord about what life is like.
Buying into generational norms. Or societal expectation that make you feel anxious about your life is not required. You don’t have to buy what other people try and sell you about what life is going to be like as you move through it. As time passes.
That is my informercial. Swallow a big gulp of this: anxiety about what life will inevitably become as you age is NOT required. 10 out of 10 Life Coaches do not recommend.
Be the 84 year old rodeo queen. Be the 70 year old bride. Be the 45 year old fitness model. Be the 30 year old mother with kids who are on your schedule and have grown up in a house where their parents prioritize their passions.
Be the exception to the rule.
When someone wants to believe that it’s all downhill from here, about ANYTHING, I imagine that they are just confused. That’s what I think. They’re just confused.
Just like your great aunt Milly is still confused about the internets. She’s like why and how would someone buy groceries on the internets and they show up at your house? Also why and how someone would pay for something that isn’t tangible, like, coaching, in the internets. To her, that’s so unnatural, weird, worthless, confuing…That’s her reality. That doesn’t make any sense to someone who grew up in a generation where the internet didn’t exist. She would never order groceries online. She’s certainly never hire a Life Coach online. Or in person for that matter, but that is just HER reality. She’s confused when she believes that her reality applies to everyone. We don’t need to but her cord, but we don’t need to plug into what she’s being powered by either.
It’s all downhill from here is like one of those undertone beliefs that can be super sneaky because we aren’t like walking around saying outloud all the time necessarily but I think it’s one we see the results of in the trajectory of our lies. If your lifeline was on a line graph charting your time on planet earth and like how your life is progressing or digressing. Yeah we’re all headed toward death ultimately, but I mean like a chart of your passions, happiness, ability, goals, dreams, sexuality, body image, desires, money, connections, like your perception of those things for yourself in the context of how you want them to energetically be pulled to you over the course of life. That line is ultimately a reflection of your thoughts. A person who’s steadfast belief is that it’s all downhill from here will see a line that goes down to the right.
That graph of lifeline over time is the result of believing everything’s downhill or believing something else.
And for some of us there will be a distinctive shift in that line’s trajectory over time. Maybe from year 1 to year 18 it’s going straight up, and then starts to plateau and drop off. Maybe it is climbing until year 29 or 30 and then it starts to gradually go down. Maybe it’s like a steady upward slope and then when kids are born, house is bought, bills divorce, whatever, the line plummets.
As I’m talking about that, and putting those life milestone points onto the graph, turning a certain age, having life circumstances change, are you able to see that it’s not actually the circumstances that directly cause the plummet. They might cause an initial plateau right as we grapple with change and how to adjust our minds to the newest iteration of our lives but the downhill, that steep downward and unyielding slope is created with what we choose to believe over time.
Ok so this is what I am going to suggest about this thought: it’s easy to think momentarily. It’s easy to let it take ahold of you in moments. There’s nothing wrong with moments of commiseration or feeling like ugh this sucks. But giving in to this belief for the long haul is the reason that things will go downhill…it is not merely a report of what the chart shows. I want you to wrap your head around what comes first, the chicken or the egg. The thoughts or the life chart. In my opinion it’s the thoughts. “It’s all downhill” is only a precognition when you refuse to challenge it.
So Think about when this thought might surface for you. Not when you’re crushing it at work or when you just got asked on a date or when you’re feeling super grounded and peaceful. No, it’s triggered by something like going for a run and tearing your labrum out of fucking nowhere and then your bodywork specialist tells you you probably shouldn’t run anymore. THATS when I start thinking It’s all downhill from here.
Right? So when is it for you? When do you get that sinking, depressive, just bend me over and give it to me now kinda feeling?
I have talked to women who have other versions of this thought that come up when certain things happen like when they breakup and they are like well all the good one’s are already taken, dating is downhill from here.
And what about the circumstances that are sometimes looked at as really good things like being married or having kids…It’s all downhill from here, I will never have a fun sexy fling again and the sex will inevitably wane it’s all down hill from or here kid’s just rob you of your life.
Like it doesn’t even matter if it’s a good or a bad (I’m using air quotes) thing that’s happening, your brains ability to conjure imminent demise in your thoughts is really impressive.
Or think about a time when someone else tries to push that belief onto you. You share something that happened or something you’re struggling with and they are like well, you know, it’s just all down hill from here, this is just the beginning.
Once I shared with someone on a plane that I wasn’t planning to have children and she said to me Ugh, really? What will you do? It would be so unfulfilling. Right like things that supposedly make our life less than or unfulfilling or make them go downhill. The main indicator being simple age. Like getting older means it goes downhill, but then we add in all these other cirucmstances too. Not married? Eesh, downhill. Transered to a new city for work? Ick, downhill from here. Dating after 30? Yikes, Downhill.
Ok so think about the circumstances where this comes into play for you. So that you can anticipate the times when a version of this thought creeps in. Where you’ll have those little plateaus on your life graph.
Why would you want to believe that about those circumstances? Why would you WANT to agree? Why would you want that plateau to turn into a downhill plunge?
This isn’t a trick question, there’s probably a good reason that you wanna believe this thought its all downhill right? For some of you it might just be because I want to be right. I wanna be realistic. And I want to be right.
To that I’d say ok but throw yourself a curve ball and be wrong and unrealistic and see where that goes.
Haha. So Why would I want to believe that this circumstance means it’s all downhill from here?
The only reason I could come up with for me was to be relatable.
Relatability is a big one for me. If you’re an anxious, people pleasing, worrying, over thinker or anything similar relatability probably feels like a high value for you too.
Don’t feel bad about this just hang with me and see if this lands.
Do you have relatability high on your internal compass priority list? If you are a woman, relatability has likely been masquerading as one of your core values for a while now. The need to make it easier for yourself to form social and emotional connections. You want to be easily understood. There is nothing wrong with that. Wanting to be understood and related to isn’t innately wrong to value. It can even be one of your core values, for real. But, in some cases, we sacrifice our own happiness and peace for the thrill of being easily related to by general opinion.
And this general opinion requires you to conform to the notion that life doesn’t get better, it gets worse. And we know what happens when we think that way right? We create the ideal environment for it to become worse.
Challenging this thought actually takes alot of bravery. Because to believe the opposite is essentially positioning yourself as the outlier. The exception. To not relate. And no one, especially women with self esteem issues, wants to be the exception. We want to be the rule, to fit in to the norm. Your brain’s worst nightmare is for someone to say, Wow yeah, it sucks that you’re having back pain, but it just get’s worse from here and you to respond with “I disagree.” Your brain would freak the fuck out. Omg what did she just say? Did she just say she doesn’t agree with what EVERYONE knows is true? That life just gets harder. Take it back take it back now, say you know that it’s just a crap shoot. Fit the fuck in.
That’s what your brain is saying.
Ok so we know why it’s so hard for us to debate this. It feels like reality in SO MANY WAYS. You’re like look around at all the proof. Look at all the graphs. Right? Old people can’t exercise. Mom’s can’t go to parties. Single women are sad and lonely. Look at the drop offs on all these people’s graphs.
What I want to offer is this: those things happen because of the fear of disagreement, of trying to be different and failing or being wrong, and the work it takes MENTALLY to break the socialized patterns of life going downhill, not actually because it’s actually inevitable.
Ok so let’s do something to once and for all debunk this myth that life must go downhill at a certain point.
I want you to think of one outlier you know of. One person that you can think of maybe it’s someone you know or a celebrity. Someone you read about. Who is older than you. A woman. Someone that is an outlier because her life graph you would assume is going up. It could be someone you admire. Someone who you could say she’s just getting smarter, cooler, sexier, more self assured, more powerful, richer, better at relationships, stronger, more skilled, more free, more beautiful, more witty, more carefree, more creative, etc with age. Her life is most definitely not going downhill. Ok. Get an image of that person in your mind.
Now I want you to if you’re not driving or operating heavy machinery, stop where you are and close your eyes. And sink into that person’s experience. Into her body. Literally imagine you are in her body right now, existing as her. Breathe air into her lungs. Wiggle her fingers and toes. Feel her heart beating in your chest.
Now, get into her brain, see the world through her eyes. What are some of the things she must be thinking to have this life that is going up and up and up. What else must she be thinking to have a life that is steadily, and sometimes explosively climbing? Are there any thoughts in there that she probably has on the daily that make her feel totally worthy of this upwards slope? What does she believe about possibility? What else does she think that’s surprising or new to you?
Great, take another breath there. Feel what it feels like to be a woman who’s life is expanding in joy with each year that passes.
Alright now open your eyes and come back to your life. Bring what you learned and experienced with you.
Now ask, was it the worst thing to be an outlier? To be an exception to the rules? Or did it feel kinda great?
What thoughts will you choose intentionally now, to create a life of expansive joy with each passing year for yourself?
Now that you’ve debunked this thought for yourself, next time someone ELSE trys to tell you “it’s all downhill from here” like its gospel truth, I dare you to smile, knowing that that is only THIER truth, and go and be the god damn exception.
In Coaching we’re a bit rebellious. We always assume that you are the exception. If you come to Coaching I KNOW you are the exception, right? Because who cooler and more capable than a woman prioritizing her life enough to make a big ass investment in it. I KNOW you are the exception to the rules. So bring your ass to coaching bitches. I can’t wait to draw a new life graph for you. Talk to you next time.