Hanna:
Hey you ready for a quickie today? This is episode number 24. Let's talk dirty about the thought that you’ve all had. I know you have: “it has to be perfect” or “I just need it to be perfect first”.
Yeah? What have you have this thought about?
I’ve had it about SO many things.
I want what I say to my spouse to be perfect before I can talk to him about this.
I need my calendar to be perfectly organized before I can schedule this thing I want to do.
I just need to perfect this podcast.
I need my body to be perfect before I can be in photos or wear this type of outfit.
Perfectionism is a killer of action. It is a killer of learning. It is a killer of confidence.
Perfectionism is just a mass murdering serial killer of dreams.
So we need to get this thought out of our brains, asap, especially if we want to do anything.
Perfectionism is funny because I think perfectionism shows up most as our actions, right? We think like I’m type a, I’m a perfectionist, what does that really mean? How does that show up? It shows up in what you DON’T do because you’re not perfect yet. And it shows up in driving yourself nuts with all the things you’re trying to MAKE “perfect”. Yeah? Like overthinking is an action I take when I’m trying to perfect something. Or like spending ALOT of time doing stuff that really is just wasting time because I still have the same perfectionist thoughts regardless of how much stuff I do. How well set the table is, still not perfect. How much I research for a topic I want to teach, still not perfect.
Because guess what: perfect does not exist. It isn’t a verifiable quantifiable measurement of being.
I talk alot about perfectionism getting in the way of and derailing relationships, and I think we do this without noticing that perfectionist thinking is even at play. Like when you think that everyone should like you or love the person you are and you try to be for everyone, that’s a perfectionist mindset. Like I can be perfect, I can be for all the people. So you try to make yourself work for everyone and make it wrong when some people don’t like you or don’t want to date you or be your friend. And the act of making sure that other people love you is time you could be spending getting to know how much you can love yourself. But instead you lie or put on a show or second guess or overthink everything you do. And you miss out on knowing your people because you miss out on knowing yourself. You are only human for one person, and that’s you, and if you can love the imperfection it helps that relationship a whole heap.
I just had to give myself a pep talk about this because as some of you may know I’ve been in the throes of an intense application process for this job with The Life Coach School and I have been shooting myself in the foot a bit with trying to make the required submissions perfect. And the thing is that the bar is really high already, so in my mind I am like but seriously it does have to be totally perfect, there is no room for error. But then in my perfectionist mindset and hyper focus on the idea of perfect, what happens, I miss small details, I talk myself out of my capabilities, I get tripped up when I’m coaching because I’m trying to do it perfect and I feel so nervous that I’m like literally stinking up my office with anxiety sweat and my mind is going blank.
When I take a step back and notice what this thought of perfectionism is doing to my relationship with me, as a Coach and a potential employee, it’s really creating distance between myself and what I want, between myself and me. So I have to say like ok I see you brain trying to make me think that it needs to be quote perfect, but what if it just needs to be my most effortless 100%? That’s the term I’ve come up with. An effortless 100%. I want to give 100% effort, but I want it to feel effortless, and the only way I personally can create that idea of an effortless 100%...what an undeniable contradiction right? An effortless 100% that is truly more impossible than perfection Hanna, ok...the only way I can create that feeling for me is to think, “This is my lifes work, and my lifes work is rapture.” That’s what I’ve come up with to kinda stifle and contradict this perfectionism thought. Because thinking, knowing that this is my lifes work makes me feel like ok 100% in, important as fuck right, and it’s also rapture, all of it, it’s like the deep deep down in the depths of my soul joyousness and those two thoughts combined give me this effortless 100% feeling. I’m showing up and giving MY 100%, which has zero percent to do with perfection, its just my personal 100% and my personal 100% is definitely full of imperfections and I’m loving it.
Ok.
Who is thinking right now that you know what “perfect” looks like? You’re like yeah but there is such a thing as perfect, I know what that looks like, and thinking that helps to push me to show up as my best self.
You only think you know what it looks like for you, and spoiler, your brain uses that word, perfection, to keep you from it. The thing you are thinking is perfect right now, you’ll never have it because your brain will always be able to find something that was wrong with you or what you did it or how it looks for you that makes it imperfect, and therefore you’ll always be an endless disappointment to yourself. That is not being your best self. That is actually being your biggest doubter.
So if you were thinking that this thought is actually really helpful because it like pushes you to do better, I am going to just say I am not convinced.
This thought slows you down. It’s a great thought if you’re into procrastination.
It is also a great thought if you’re trying to destroy your self concept.
Bummer, right?
Sometimes your brain is a sneaky bitch and you just can’t trust her.
Okay. That’s not me saying she’s bad or unworthy of your love. You’re a sneaky bitch sometimes right? You’re good and I love you but sometimes right, I just need to call it how I see it. Your brains a little tricksy minx and she sneaks in these thoughts like “it has to be perfect first” that are so NOT about you showing up as your best self. Bc that’s what makes her sneaky. This thought of desiring perfection masquerades as an opportunity to show up as the best version of you. She’s convincing you that you gotta be perfect first when she knows damn well perfectionism is a hoax. And what you will do with that thought, is use it to never show up. Never do the thing. Never love your body. Never go on the date. Never publish the book or write the letter or have the conversation or book the event or start the healing journey that you need, desperately, because that sneaky bitch convinced you that you must see perfection first. What she’s doing is selling you dog shit and calling it chocolate mousse.
And it stinks.
And not only because of the procrastination and the self concept destruction that I already mentioned but because the idea of needing perfection strengthens the idea that the only work that is good enough and worth turning in, is A+ with extra credit points work.
How many of you got straight A+’s throughout gradeschool, Highschool & college? How many of you remember? Haha probably none, because frankly as adults we can realize that getting an A+ in 7th grade on your history exam doesn't really matter after all and in fact it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person now. But somehow we’ve still carried that mindset with us into adulthood and it translates as holding ourselves back from showing up, and loving the hell out of our imperfections.
And you’re like ugh, loving imperfection, that sounds like a freakin Pinterest Quote. Not into it. But here’s the thing: imperfection is what exists, always, so whether you are head over heels in love with it or not, you at least must allow it to be, because imperfection is us. And again you don’t HAVE TO love it, but since imperfection is always here, what if we entertained the possibility that it could, potentially, maybe, be loved a little. And if we could potentially maybe possibly love imperfection a little, then I wonder if it might be a bit easier to have our own back, to show up with confidence, to get shit done.
What if in order to do the thing it is necessary for it to be imperfect? Necessary. The best version of you is imperfect. Because the best version of you is a human who is making moves. Real ones, not hypothetical moves. But real, honest give it all you got moves. And moves are NEVER perfect. Ever. Not ever. Because making moves, in my experience at least, requires that you be learning something. And if there’s absolutely nothing left to learn you are stagnant. You don’t need to move. And when you are done moving, you are dead.
So you wanna be perfect and dead or you wanna let go and live a little?
You think that seeking perfection or making things better first, or the one I hear a lot from clients is “I want to think about what I’m going to say because I want it to be the “right” thing”. Have you used this to stop you from just saying what you want to say? Saying your truth has to sound perfect? What if it just has to sound like your truth? And your truth sounds messy as fuck. But you think that this perfection seeking is a way to challenge your brain to be the best at whatever you’re doing, but what I’d like to suggest is that your brain needs some more important challenges than trying to come up with what “perfect” might look like.
If you ask your brain shitty questions like how do I make this perfect, you’re going to get shitty answers.
Like if I start down that road with my brain, my brains going to come up with all sorts of detours that just leave me spinning my metaphorical wheels.
Some more important challenges to keep your brain working to get you where you actually want to go would be like “What’s working right now?” “What do I totally love?” “What am I proud of?” “How would I do this if I didn’t need to worry about how?” That's an interesting one, yeah?
And “What have I done totally imperfectly that worked out great?”
Think on that, let go of thoughts of perfection, and start challenging your brain to fall in love with the imperfect acts you do, because they are all moving you forward, into more humanness.
Hey friends, if you’re liking this show, I would really appreciate if you left a review. It helps this work find the ears of more eager listeners just like you ready to make moves and change their lives. And imagine a world full of people loving their imperfect selves, managing their minds and achieving big goals! That would be totally cool, yeah? So take 3 minutes and leave a review OR share this show with another imperfect someone you know.
Talk with you next time.