Hanna:
Hey everyone! Welcome this is episode number 39 of Let’s Talk Dirty and today we’re going to talk about comparing and despairing. There was a girl on one of the facebook groups I’m a part of who said if she could solve one problem in her life it would be her tendency to compare herself to other people and despair about how she just wishes she could have what they have, but can’t.
She is actually an athlete so the other people she’s looking at are other athletes who are winning or excelling at her sport and she’s just like look at them they have fancier gear than me or better teammates and it sucks I don’t have that because otherwise I’d be winning more or doing better.
So maybe you can relate with that like wanting to excel at something and looking at other people who are excelling and comparing yourself to them and getting down about it but I really think we can all relate to this in some way, like even if it’s not about athletics, we all have looked around at someone else and thought like they are winning at life over me, in some way.
I wish I had a relationship like that.
I want a fancy car like her.
That girl has the best hair and mine is so boring.
Her body is so much fitter than mine.
Those kids are so well behaved and mine are just hyperactive monsters.
I wish I had public speaking skills like her because I wouldn’t have such a weird shaky stuttery voice when I spoke if I was her.
So many ways we compare ourselves to other people right?
Where do you compare and despair?
Because comparing yourself to someone else just makes you feel less than and causes you to despair over your own life. It usually just turns into missing out on what you do have. Or blocking yourself from seeing what's good. And then you’re never good enough. Yeah? Comparison is one of the most toxic cycles and we can even see it, we see that it’s unhelpful, the way that we do it, but we sometimes just choose to do it anyways.
Why though? My clients are always asking me why we think how we think, and usually my answer has something to do with the patriarchy or like trying to avoid being eaten by a saber toothed tiger haha so I’ll spare you on those explanations of WHY we compare and despair today and say that
one theory of mine is that we just haven’t figured out yet that our happiness doesn’t come from outside. We have committed to outsourcing how we feel to inanimate objects and other people. Right so how we feel comes from how we think. Thats what’s true. But we don’t believe that or don’t know that and we see other people with stuff we don’t have and we believe that the stuff is what creates happiness so we need it.
The other theory I have about why we compare is that you’re getting a soul tap. A little nod from the subconscious about desire. Desire for a thing or desire for a feeling. And the universe is like hey, here’s an example of what is possible.
So, the girl who brought this issue to my attention for a podcast episode, she is an athlete right and she looks at people with more gear than she has and thinks that I don’t have what they have which makes me less capable of winning or excelling at my sport. And if I could have what they have I’d be able to win.
But I bet if I asked her why she wants to win, she’d probably say because it feels good. And to that I’d say well you can feel good now, right? Haha, how endlessly annoying.
But here’s what I think. I think that what is making you less quote capable is actually just thinking that you need more gear. Believing that you need the gear is contributing to your losses more than the lack of gear.
Comparing your life to someone else’s life, always makes you feel bad about yourself, and when you feel bad about yourself you’re not compelled forward with excitement or enthusiasm or drive. No way, you’re stuck in self pity and there’s no induction of action from self pity.
When you’re like I wish I could have that. If I could just have that, I’d be able to better or I’d be happier or be enough or be content, it just puts a spotlight on your belief in a not happy not enough not content current version of life. And stunts your action.
The way that we compare and then go in to despair mode, it doesn’t allow that soul tap to shine through. It doesn’t allow the part of you that truly desires or wants something to take hold and take action.
People who don’t compare and go down the pit of despair have a lot more energy to focus on their own life and create results with their mind. They aren’t taking up so much of their energy with other people. Right? That energy that could be spent in a way you actually want to spend it.
I used to compare and despair with having horses. You guys know that I am going to own a farm one day with horses, I’ve wanted that forever, but I’ve only known it’s happening for sure for a few years because before a few years ago all I’d do is look at other people with horses and be like ugh I suck I’ll never be able to have that, they have so much more land, money, knowledge, connections, etc. I want that but..Right, but when I stopped comparing and despairing, I could actually get my own thoughts in order, feel totally fulfilled and also get to action right like I could actually ask myself some helpful questions like what is the first step that I can take right now towards owning horses? If I could move the needle 1% how would I do that?
And you know who still doesn’t have a farm or horses yet, me! And I know I will one day because I choose to believe that nothing that’s meant for me will miss me. I won’t miss it. That’s what comparison taught me. That when something that someone else has pulls you in, excites you and gives you butterflies, it’s an opportunity to believe in what’s coming for ya. And that your job is to get the fuck ready. Right? I can’t have horses until I’m ready. That’s the part I have to play. I have to create the time, the thoughts the energy the space and I’m literally just talking about the energetic space too. I gotta get ready for this cool ass delivery to come to me. I can’t be moping around in an apartment in the city. No horses are going to show up at that girl’s doorstep.
So when we compare and despair we stop alignment, we stop progress towards what we truly want and we make the thought error that we must get to where the other person is now in order to feel good now.
Being mad about not having something now is not an effective (or fun) way to generate it. Being upset at yourself for not being farther along in your career or being married or having the horses, that’s not helpful in getting that if that’s truly what you want. It’s playing into the narrative that any one person is better than the other. That any one person has “made it” and the other has not. That any one person is good or right or enough and the other cannot be without the same things.
But that’s a thought error, a major one, keeping your from exploring your life.
Compare and despair, the ultimate buzz kill.
So the other thing that this woman who brought this issue to me said was that she feels like she’s missing out. And I feel that. I felt that deeply when I was comparing myself to these like 21 year old chicks from the Hunt Club in my home town who owned horses since they were like 5. I was like wtf these little tootses just get this handed to them and I have to miss out on this joy because I didn’t grow up with money or property. Comparing and despairing to someone else’s life feels like missing out. You’re missing out somehow on something. And I get it.
But here’s what I think: when you can decide, yes, decide, that you have everything you need right now to be happy, you’re not missing out on anything.
When you decide that how your life feels to you is more important than how it looks to anyone, you’re not missing out on anything.
And when you decide that everyone has exactly what they need right now, it doesn’t mean you’re missing out on the possibility for more, it actually makes achieving more that much easier.
You have to decide those things. Not because I told you to, but because when you decide to think that way, your life will change, you’ll see it. Ok so yes for some of you these thoughts are really a stretch right now but let’s promise to try, to go ahead and assume possibility, because I’m tired of people undercutting their own exceptionalism for the thrill of being right. If you’re like “ no that’s not true, I don’t have everything I need right now “ well, you can decide to be right about that and keep despairing and getting further from what you want, or you can decide that you actually do have everything you need right now including the capacity for more if you want it, and feel better. So like, fight me on these thought choices if you want, but you know the only person you’re hurting if you can’t get on board with these thoughts is yourself right? Be right, or feel better.
When you can luxuriate, marinate in the sufficiency of your life now, that energy attracts more. And this isn’t a lesson on law of attraction or anything but think about how that works. Really think about this: If you can lounge in the plentiful abundance of what is for you now, everything you need for the you of now is here, you’re not chasing or ruminating or resenting or repelling what is for you. Who is for you. I think about this with business all the time. When I am in the mindset of lack, or deprivation, I get more of the same. When I’m graspy or chasing down clients guess what they do? Run away! Right so when I’m comparing myself to other coaches and I’m like I should have 100 clients, look they are working with 100 people I need to have that, guess what I don’t get? 100 clients. Haha. I get what I’ve made quality space for.
Right so like it goes back to that idea of like if you can’t manage 100 dollars in your bank account, why would the universe bestow thousands ?
If you don’t care for what you have and love and enjoy and feel gratitude for what is now and feel full up with the experience of having everything you need now, then what the fuck is the point of more? More things to be unsatisfied with?
This may be getting off track just a tad but this is why when women who are in relationships and are unhappy want to make a plan to break up and they think that will solve their unhappiness I usually ask them to pump the breaks on the breakup for just a moment and consider whether they could be happy now and then decide to either stay or go seek something different. Because we like see other women in relationships that are happy and we think it’s the guy. She has this amazing guy and I don’t and that’s what I need. I need to change guys.
So maybe you want to change guys, and that’s okay and wonderful too. I do think that sometimes, like I said earlier, the reason we compare ourselves might be a soul tap, a pull from something inside of you to step into more authenticity or more of who you are here to be. Like, when we are like I wish I had that kind of man, or you know, she has a guy that doesn’t say nasty things to her, or whatever your partner isn’t doing what you wish they would do, it’s also an opportunity to be like okay like I COULD have that if I really wanted. I could find someone who fullfills that desire for me. Why am I not? Why do I stay here? Do I want to stay here? Do I like my reasons? Do I have something that feels truly unfulfilled?
Like whatever you think you want that someone else has now, there is a very specific set of reasons why you don’t have it, and it has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to have it.
Hear that? Whatever you don’t have but want, the reason you don’t have it is NOT because you just can’t. It’s because of your thoughts. Am I a broken record yet? Haha.
Ok so this brings me to the next part which is So how do we get out of this mode? This compare and despair mode. Most people would think I just want to not care about what other people are doing. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing or what other people have. I just need to stop worrying about what other people do/have. That’s what most people say and sure you could try that. Just don’t care about what other people do.
But that’s not true right? You do care what other people are doing and you do think it matters what they have. And here’s why I don’t think it’s helpful to try to shut this part of us out totally or like stonewall these thoughts:
Because there is a part of us that knows that if this other human can have this, I can have it too.
If there was no thought of possibility then we truly wouldn’t care. We wouldn’t be able to care. So we have to care, we have to compare, and hone a higher quality of thinking. Comparing is sometimes necessary to get clear, but to compare and NOT despair takes higher quality thinking. Which we can all cultivate.
What do I think that this person has that I can’t have? Is it a job? Is it X amount of money? Is it high cheekbones? Is it a family that loves them? Is it a mercedes?
What do I think that person get’s to feel that I don’t get to feel because of what they have?
It usually comes down to a feeling, right? If I had that mercedes I’d feel like hot shit. Well guess what you can feel like hot shit without a mercedes. You can have thoughts that cause that feeling. What higher quality thoughts can I elicit from my brain now to bring me that feeling of hot shit?
So a few things that you can make happen when you compare yourself and initiate some higher quality thinking, instead of going into a compare and despair spiral:
Firstly, you can intentionally pay attention to your desire with curiosity and compassion.
Next, you can notice that you get to feel that feeling right now if you want to. There is no feeling you are kept from or blocked from or left out of by anyone else’s ability to have. Nobody can take away your power to feel any kind of way, nor does their feeling like lessen your ability to feel that way too.
And the other thing is that when it’s something you want just because you want it and you know that you can feel happy either way and you still want it because it would be fun, you can decide to take an action.
Like for me, it’s a million dollars in my business. I already know that I can be happy and have an amazing full completel life without making any more money than I do now. I used to compare myself to other coaches who were already making millions and be like ugh I suck. But when I stopped to intentionally notice what I was wanting with curiosity and compassion, I found that the thing I really wanted was to feel secure. And to feel successful.
So I realized that I didn’t have to wait to feel those feelings.
I feel secure now, and successful, through thought work. So I don’t need the money to make me feel secure or successful.
But then I thought you know what, I still WANT to make a million dollars because it would be fun to do and because if they can then I can. Right? Like the things we desire are things that we can have. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to even conceptualize it at all. If another human has accomplished something, that’s a fast track to conceptualization. It’s actually a blessing because someone else did the work for us, so we could get there in our minds faster.
When someone sets a world record that seems crazy impossible, the likelihood of someone breaking the record goes up by like 100%. When someone goes first, more people come after, like quickly. Why is that? Beaucase of our thoughts. When you don’t have any examples of what’s possible it’s harder to conceptualize and it takes longer to build thoughts that will get you to that outcome. But when someone else has already done it, it’s much easier for your brain to be like Ok it’s possible, now I’ll go. People who do a lot of thought work to think creatively may have more ideas about actually making their wants possible but to kind of cut the line on thought work so to speak when we look at someone else and see what they are already doing, having, being, you see proof and it might actually be easier to get to the thought that is possible for me too. Right so looking at what someone else has that you don’t have might actually be the first step in breaking your own psychological barrier. Before the four minute mile was reached, people thought it was impossible. Then someone broke 4 minutes and other athletes got to look and see like oh wow look at that. Once you start believing something is possible, it becomes possible. This is the core of thought work right. Your beliefs create your results. So if you are stuck in comparison mode with the thought I could never have what that person has, of course, your results will remain the same. But if it’s like look that person has something that I think I want, another human created that with their thoughts. That means I can too.
So the opposite of compare and despair to me, is create and celebrate.
Maybe it’s create a feeling you think you can’t have without this thing, through thought work. Maybe it’s create a new plan or act on your goals in a new way. Maybe it’s to create by letting go of something.
And celebrating what is now so that from that place you may feel energetically compelled forward instead of energetically stuck. Celebrating just takes new thoughts. Entertaining new ideas about what you have.
Alrighty. If you’re done with compare and despair and ready to create and celebrate, come to Coaching where we will take what you hear here on the show and apply it to your real life and hone your skills to feel better faster, create what you want with ease. And I want you to know that Life Coaching with me is not going to be like anything you’ve ever experienced before, including this podcast right? We meet one on one each week and talk in real time and real coaching conversations , not in hypotheticals or fun quotes. Although we will have fun. Like even my most hard up clients, like the ones that are hard up for big shifts or else, they laugh and they find their minds silly and they learn how to not take ever the most serious things so seriously so that they can allow themselves to feel creative and flexible and purposeful instead of so rigid and lost and blah. Ok and aside from weekly private coaching sessions you will also have access to messenger coaching between sessions. I have a few clients who actually get more out of our messenger coaching than anything else, because you’re able to get coaching in the moment and actually see what youre thinking, coming out in written form. I personally love to coach my clients via messenger because we can get really clear and succinct and solve problems really quickly.
The other thing that you’ll have access to with Coaching is my private Client Portal on my website. This is an invaluable resource, that I originally thought about offering as a membership on it’s own, but I decided to just give it to all my clients to support their journeys. The client portal is a database of videos and worksheets that I’ve created for you to use however and whenever you want, although alot of times I’ll suggest you watch or read of complete something in there between our sessions. But there are videos in there teaching concepts and tools to use for very specific problems that you might be having. Like I just did a few videos for relationships like the concept of Want Matching and lovability. I also have past paid program videos in there like the Feelings Workshop I offered last fall. And even when our coaching together is complete, you’ll have lifetime access to that database, so anything that I add there from now until forever, you’ll be able to see and use. I think that that resource alone is worth it to be able to come back and jog your memory about certain concepts. I teach the model and processing feelings and how to grow out of emotional childhood and how to build self confidence. Ugh there is so much great stuff in the client portal that you get with your private coaching program. So I hope that those of you that have been waiting can hear me when I say that now's the time to do some incredible work for your life. I hope you do. Go to my website Hannakokovai.com and sign up for a consultation and we will get started. I’ll talk to you next time.