Hanna :
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Hello hello we are here for episode 8 and today I’m fired up! Friends, I love you so hard that I’m gunna really let you have it today. I am about bring out the fire hose here to clean these thoughts up people. We need more than a wet wipe for this hot mess.
I have been posting on my social media a lot about the seemingly innocent thing that we all say every day, “I don’t know”. If you follow me on instagram I’m @hannakokovai or on Facebook you might ave noticed that “I don’t know” has become somewhat of theme lately. And I actually said the other day it wouldn’t make a great podcast episode because what comes from I don’t know is just not knowing. Like, that’s it. There’s not a lot more to understand about I don’t know aside from that it closes the door on knowing. And that would make for a pretty short episode.
But I decided I wanted to show up for those of us that need to hear something more than once for it to really sink in. I realized that the I don’t know thought is one of the most common ones because it has been learned through generational conditioning and it’s also a thought that is relished, praised, even rewarded by the patriarchy because it keeps us, and I mean women especially, in a state of self distrust and blind obedience to our outdated patterns. So truth be told, I don’t know is actually the perfect thought to explore a little deeper here on the podcast, especially as this thought comes up for everyone and is so under the radar.
If you’ve ever worked with me or have been following me in my Coaching you might already know that “I don’t know” is one of the members of what I call the fucked up five:
I don’t know
I can’t
I should
I shouldn’t
I have to
These five thoughts are the ones I hear literally more than any other when people come to coaching and they are also the ones that are bending you over the most. Might as well just pull down your pants…I truly hope you aren’t listening to me with your kiddos and having to explain being bent over to your littles. I’m not sorry though because these thoughts that we just don’t give a second thought to are so f-Ed up.
Ok here’s me giving all of us humans some grace. You know I am not here to shame you about your f-Ed up thoughts. There are good reasons for these thoughts. And remember no thoughts are bad or good, but when we give our brains a free pass to just run with whatever comes up unconsciously, that’s when we start to beat ourselves up for the things that happen in our lives that society tells us is not within our control. When you think I don’t know, and you say I don’t know, there are few people that will tell you that’s not true. Because we’ve been conditioned not to change. We’ve made it easier to not know than to find out answers or become curious or ask better questions. We are slaves to the results we’ve always had, that we could totally change if we just decided to be more conscious of what has been normalized but is not actually working for us.
So our brains love to love on these five thoughts —the I can’t I should I shouldn’t I dunno and I have to—without us noticing it because they help us to fit in. They align with the narrative that we do not have power over our own lives. They feel safe. Have you ever thought about the plus side of not having power over your own experience? Over your life? Like it’s actually relieving for your brain to be like yeah I have no power here. It’s safe because it means you don’t have to do anything. You just let it happen and it’s out of your hands. So people complain like “Ugh I can’t and I just don’t know” but really there’s a lot of cushy safety in that.
And that is okay. It is always ok to think things that make you feel safe. Ok there is your grace. We learn that these thoughts—I don’t know, I have to, I should, I shouldn’t, I can’t, are always true when they pour out of our mouths from a very young age because we hear other people saying them out loud all the time. And I am not even talking about like someone who says I can’t make a million dollars today or I don’t know how to become a famous actress. Like I am talking about the daily don’t knows. The daily can’ts. The daily have tos that are so seemingly insignificant that we go our whole lives and don’t recognize them for what they are…shackles. The shackles on our life experience.
I promise if you tune in to what other people around you are talking about for just one day and listen to pick out these five thoughts, you’ll hear them just falling out of people’s mouths.
“I can’t go.”
“I have to work.”
“I don’t know how.”
And when it comes to being the creatress of your epic life story, none of them are ever helpful or true. Like literally I dare you to give me an example of when any of these are 100% true. And I know you guys are gunna be smart asses and tell me it’s true that I shouldn’t hit someone with my car. Ok, so I know you like to go to extremes but you’re not here if you think that “you should hit someone with your car” is a helpful thought. Yes, it serves you to believe that you shouldn’t hit someone with your car because you’ll not cause anyone physical harm and you won’t go to jail, so yes there are times when these work for you but I am talking about life goals here. I am talking about managing your mind to have the best possible life you could ever create. And when your default minx brain feeds you I can’t and I don’t know about things like becoming an entrepreneur or having a baby that you really want or bringing more passion into your relationship or showing up as your authentic self…well you gotta keep your belt buckled and face those thoughts with some serious questions about their validity.
So let’s talk specifically about I don’t know and maybe I’ll do some future episodes about these other ones individually to see what comes up for all of us around I should, shouldn’t, can’t and have to… but just now that you know and you’ve gotten a small taste of my distaste for these thoughts, you can go into your life and start to pick these fucked up five out and just see if it’s true for you and if you wanna keep believing it.
Like is it true that you have to have dessert every night? No. Is it true that you cant stop eating chocolate? No. Is it true that you should stop eating chocolate? Nope.
None of those are true and it’s finding out where it serves your life to think in that way and where there might be a thought that feels different and produces something better.
Because you know what happens a lot of time when we should and can’t and have to…we feel rebellious, we feel trapped, we feel angry…and we end up doing a bunch of shit that isn’t serving the life we really want. We act out in a way that might get us a temporary result but it’s not sustainable. Think on that. Send me your questions and comments.
Ok let’s focus.
I don’t know how is the one we’re getting down on today and “I don’t know” is pre-programmed in our brains through observing other people give up because they don’t know how, through the comfortability of not dying due to not knowing, through the flippancy with which we are taught to use this get out of the work for free thought, through the subtle and not so subtle systems of oppression that thrive on people stifling their own powers of creation, perception, curiosity and control.
I don’t know also throws us into one of the most indulgent places we can go on our emotional scale: and that is confusion.
Confusion. People complain about being confused. I don’t know I feel confused. This sucks. I hate feeling confused.
Maybe confusion feels not great in the body but confusion isn’t actually all that bad according to our primitive brains.
Being confused actually feels kinda freakin good to our brains. Your primitive brain. Your primal instinctive minx brain is like bathing in confusion and suckin down champagne like it’s on holiday. Because that’s what feeling confused allows in our brain. It allows it to put up the do not disturb sign and pretend like it’s doing something important. Feeling confused makes us feel like we’re working on something but we are actually working on nothing.
I talk about the idea that certain thoughts are really tantalizing and tempting for our brains and “I don’t know” is one of them..it’s a really easy, slip right into it kinda thought because I don’t know tempts us with the belief that we will never figure it out so why waste the time.
No matter what you think you don’t know about, it always leads to the same place. A closed door on finding out. Even when you feel confused and you might take some “actions” like ruminating or overthinking, your brain has already decided you don’t know. So there’s no where to go. Nothing more to be done. The end.
I don’t know how to feel better.
I don’t know how to make things right with my partner.
I don’t know how to make money.
I don’t know what to do about COVID.
I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know if I can do that.
As long as you keep believing that, you will never know.
See how that works?
Now sometimes I don’t know is just another way of saying I don’t care to know. And maybe that’s true for you sometimes. Right? Like someone asked me what time it was on my hike the other day and I was like I don’t know and really I didn’t care and I didn’t want to know because I had the intention of disconnecting for the afternoon. But in truth I could have known. I could have turned my phone back on. I could have looked at the sun and taken a guess. I could have told him that there was another group of hikers just up ahead and one of them probably knew. So even when I didn’t know at that particular second what time it was, I did know how to find out.
And I think that’s one point I want to make here which is that while I truly believe that I don’t know is almost always a lie..because when you put your brain to work on things it does actually know more than you assume…there are times when you don’t know the answer on the spot but instead of defaulting to I don’t know which is totally robbing yourself of agency and power over your life, there’s a way to figure out the answer is muuuuch more aligned with truth and who you get to be when you’re thinking on purpose.
Now I don’t know is also what I call a canned response. It’s like at the ready at all times and when your brain gets a question that it hasn’t answered perfectly 1000 times before, it pops open that can and gives you I dunno. So starting to become aware of how often we actually take that can of I dunno and open it and serve it up can just start to bring awareness to your patterns and habits.
So if your brain is offering I dunno alot, you can start to ask it questions.
I always say to clients: What if you did know?
And then they’re like what ? Huh?
And I’m like but what if you did know?
And sometimes just that reframe can kinda shake somethin loose.
I don’t know is such a cop out! I’m giving some tough love on this episode here today friends. Because when I ask a question in coaching conversations and ill be honest even IRL conversations, and the person says I don’t know, I want to shake them!
I don’t know-ing is a bad habit.
Our brains capacity to figure shit out is infinite. And we shut it down before it can go to work for us by using these three dirty little words.
So what if you did know? What if you had an answer?
Another one I like is, do you know someone who does know? How’d they figure it out?
And if it’s something like a skill…like before I started creating this podcast I had never used a sound editing app and hadn’t ever pieced together clips to create one fluid track and I coulda been like ok well I dunno how to do that.
So this is a stopping point.
I dunno feels like defeat to me. If I dunno it makes me feel shit outta luck and there’s nothing I can do. So me making this podcast clearly did not come from the thought I don’t know how to edit. I had to think “lots of other people figured out how to do this, so can I”
That gave me some confidence, maybe some motivation, some power over the circumstance of sound editing to where I could take an action to find out. Right? Go on YouTube and look it up. Ask someone you know that has done it before.
So that’s like I dunno how to do this skill. If you truly don’t know how to do a skill then your thought must be I am going to figure it out.
A lot of times the I don’t know isn’t about a measured and specific skill though. Right?
But it’s still not true, I promise you, or helpful to think I dunno because the result is always that you keep not knowing.
I don’t know how to change my life.
I don’t know how to stop overdrinking.
I don’t know if I should make this decision or not.
I don’t know what to wear to this event.
I don’t know how long it will take me to finish my project.
I don’t know what I want to feel.
I don’t know what id need to think to change my results.
I don’t know what my life will be like in a year.
Mmm that last one though. I don’t know what my life will be like in a year. People say this or a version of this to me sometimes when I am like do you want to travel with me next spring or do want me to coach you in my 3 month program or like when people are talking about having kids or buying a house they are like well I dunno what my life will be like then so I dunno.
What WILL your life be like in a year? You know when you have a plan for your evolution and if you don’t have a plan you also know…it’ll be mostly like it is right now. So you plan to travel in the spring then your life will be set up so that you can travel in the spring. If you don’t plan to travel in the spring your life will be without travel in the spring.
So I don’t know about the future is just like lemme just sit in this bubble bath of confusion and whatever happens happens. You’ll stress and feel trapped and try to work around what life comes up with.
Or you get yourself outta that tub and decide to know what you want to create and what’s to come by thinking that you get to know ahead of time, you get to choose and decide up front what you want out of life and you break free of confusion or stagnancy and go and deliver the life you know you can have to yourself.
So, Do you really not know all that you claim or do you just not want to find out because it’s more comfortable to sit in a bubble bath of confusion than to go to work for yourself?
It’s possible that you have the answers somewhere.
And you’ve heard that before right in a quote on pinterest or from one of your mentors. Everything you need is already within you. You have all the answers already. It sounds woo woo. That’s bordering on the woo that I don’t always subscribe to. From a completely neuropsychological perspective here for those that are not on the woo train either, this is science. The neural connections you make in your brain when you continue to support the idea that you don’t know everything you need to know already to be able to figure everything you need to figure out out, are strengthened each time you recommit to the thought I don’t know. Because the network in your brain continues to strengthen that loop by not exploring answers to “how can I know?” “How can I find out?” It’s like if you lay in bed for a month without moving your muscles atrophy. The connection to curiosity, creative thinking, problem-solving and exploration has atrophied when you block your brain from utilizing those parts. So over time it becomes less and less capable of even believing the sentiment that you have all the answers you need within you.
So you can start to rebuild those muscles now by asking your brain to go to work to find out things that you think you don’t know. Little things. Things that might just feel fun to find out. The more we let go of I don’t know and welcome in possibility the more our self trust grows and the better we become at finding our own truths.
We become sharper and quicker and less fearful of decisions when we release the “I don’t knows”
We get to feel more capable and empowered and fearless when we decide on purpose to know.
And from those sensations we can act in alignment with our highest self, with our true capacity to heal open wounds and speak to our future with confidence in knowing that we will meet her, ready for more.
If you want to train your brain to work for you, you’ve gotta clean up the doubt and the confusion. Ask yourself better questions, say no to I don’t know and come up with new ways to find answers.
You might be surprised what you DO know if you dig a little deeper and you’re not afraid to get dirty.
See ya next time.