Hanna:
Hello hello welcome to episode 36 of the podcast and episode three of this mini series I’m creating for you my stressors and my panic-ers and my anxiety sufferers…Everything's Fucked AND it’s okay. If you haven't listened to the first two in this series yet, please go back and listen so that you can know what the heck I’m on about today.
So far we’ve talked about self compassion, giving yourself grace and having your own back when shit is hard. We also talked about creating the awareness to differentiate between thoughts and facts and noticing that facts are neutral circumstances, and it’s what you choose to think about those facts that causes you to feel bad.
What I’ve noticed throughout my coaching career thus far is that far more people are struggling with and being totally affected by their thoughts about the war and the coronavirus and famine and child slavery than being affected by those things themselves. And I don’t say that to downplay what is happening to people globally who are suffering at the hand of injustice at all. The war in Ukraine has been going on for about a month now as this Podcast is airing, and I don’t you to stop thinking about it or talking about it or praying about it or sharing about it or giving money or time or energy or refuge or being aware. We should and can take action whenever possible to support other humans and causes we can care about without losing ourselves or crumbling in our own lives, whether that be financially, energetically, with policy change support and funding and prayer and actions of all kinds, and take these things very seriously but the way in which people at large think about these different issues is causing more pain and struggle that is frankly, unnecessary. And that’s what I’m going to talk to you about today, so that you can begin to control how you’re feeling, how you are feeling, so that your actions can be pointed and energetically viable, instead of desperate or drowned out or dilapidated. Ok I want you to be able to take action from feeling empowered or calm or sufficient or strong or capable. Right now if you’re suffering at the hand of your own brain’s negative thoughts, you’re not able to do what you want to do anyway. Ok so feeling better when things are bad, thinking differently about things that are bad is not about turning a blind eye or forgetting how to be human and have feelings, it’s necessary to show up in ways that add value to the world. Ok?
So when I learned about how my brain works, that my thoughts weren’t just a regurgitation of reality, they were just my own interpretation of reality, and were malleable, and I was creating a lot of unnecessary stress for myself through how I was thinking about the world, it blew my mind. Like if I think it it must be true, right? And I started to notice that pretty much everyone I’ve ever known ever, creates unnecessary stress and anxiety for themselves too. So if some of you are like ok but wait though I’m still kind of playing catch up and trying to wrap my head around what you’re saying. You’re saying that when Russia declares war on the Ukraine I don’t have to be upset about it? I don’t have to stress about it? I don’t have to feel anxious about it?
Yes. That’s what I’m saying.
You don’t have to.
You might want to, for a time. You might want to forever. And if you do, you’ve probably already got lots of thoughts to get you there.
But you don’t have to, especially if being upset is causing you to do things that have a negative effect on your life. For instance, if you’re feeling upset what do you DO? If you’re feeling stressed out what do you DO? What action do you take when you’re upset? Do you try to control things around you to feel more safe to no avail and then get more upset? Do you overthink and get more stressed out? Do you argue with people or argue with reality or shut down or lose sleep or overeat or focus only on articles and news stories about this circumstance, have more catastrophizing thoughts? When I’m upset I pick fights with people in my life, or I beat myself up internally. Sometimes I go indulge in shopping for shit I don’t need or induce a panic attack or neglect my routine. So what do you DO when you feel upset or anxious or stressed? What comes from that emotion for you? Do you like it? Do you want to keep doing that? If no, then you’re ready to do this work to change how you think to change how you feel.
So as I was prepping for this episode, I was having a conversation with someone in the internets who had responded to one of my posts that was basically asking people are you okay? And this person said I mean this whole Russia attacking Ukraine thing has me pretty messed up.
And I said you know, I hear that, there are alot of people that feel that way, and I asked what they were thinking that makes them feel messed up?
And the response was “the fact that the whole world is on edge is absolutely terrifying.”
Can we see how our brains even use the word FACT to try to solidify the thoughts it offers. Your brain is so freaking smart it’s undeniable. The Fact that the world is on edge. That’s not a fact, is it? But your brain is convincing AF.
Right, because if that was a fact that might be terrifying, sure. But it’s not even a fact that the world is on edge. What does that even mean?
So I said to this person you know it feels super heavy and awful to believe that, but not everyone in the world right now would agree with that would they? It doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn't feel terrible, but if if we look at what this one little thought is capable of–making us feel terrible and messed up–would you want to keep choosing to think that the whole world is on edge or maybe something else that didn’t make you feel as terrified or messed up?
Because here’s the thing with the war, maybe you wanna feel terrible about it. That is totally okay and justified. War is definitely worthy of some heavy ass emotions. It’s not wrong to feel outrages or scared or anxious or any of that. But what I do is help people notice that what they feel is caused by what they choose to think. We always get to choose what to think if we want to. And thoughts are not facts. The world is on edge is not a fact. It’s what your brain is offering you so that you will feel terrified. Thoughts are just sentences in our brains.
So I really appreciate this person for sharing this thought with me so that other people who might also be feeling this way might get another perspective or another chance to understand a little better about another possible way to manage their emotions and their minds too.
So, once we notice that the world is on edge is not true, it’s just a thought that makes us feel terrified, we can decide, do I like thinking that way? Do I like what happens, or what I see as a result in my life when I feel terrified? If I keep thinking this, believing it, and feeling terrified, what will happen? Can I see that I have a choice here? Is it possible that there’s another way to think about this situation? What can I control here? Am I willing to let go of trying desperately to control or change what’s happening outside of me to create the energy and space what’s happening inside of me?
So like if you’ve never done this work before you’re probably like okay great so even if I can kinda see the difference here between a thought and a fact, now that I’ve identified that “the whole world is fucked” is just a thought, where do I go from there? I can’t just believe that the whole world is NOT fucked, ot the whole world is GREAT. I don’t buy that.
So if you’re there now, that’s great. Thoughts are optional, so what are my options?
If you can see that you don’t have to believe everything you think, you can move on to the next step of directing your brain to come up with more neutral thoughts about the same circumstance. More neutral thoughts about the same circumstance. Neutral to me just means like not anxiety-inducing but also not like rainbows and unicorns ultimate happiness. It’s somewhere better than the thought that made you feel terrified and anxious, but not something that is so amazing that it’s like totally unbelievable to you. Your brain will reject what is totally unbelievable no matter how hard you try to force it. That’s why you’ve heard me say before, affirmations don’t work because your brain won’t accept what feels like a lie. Ok so being like “everything is wonderful and perfect”, that sounds beautiful. But the truth is you don’t need beautiful, you need believable, right? You don’t need something pretty or something that sounds like poetry, you just need something that’s better and believable. Ok? So better and believable is what we’re going for.
For example, if your original thought about Ukraine is everything is so fucked up, maybe a more neutral thought is: “Some things are fucked up.” Right. That could be true for you but better than everything being fucked. Still not great, but when I think “Some things are fucked up” it feels more neutral, more managable for me personally. It doesn’t feel so daunting and heavy, it feels more like, acceptance. Maybe it’s “Sometimes it feels fucked up.” That's different and a little better yeah? To direct your brain to think about how sometimes it feels fucked up even though maybe it’s not, it feels that way. Like that to me is more neutral than everything is fucked up.
What about: “Many people will not be harmed by what’s happening in Ukraine.” “There’s a good chance that my family will be fine.” “It’s possible that this doesn’t actually affect everyone.” Even creating some compassion or even like a feeling of a gentle, neutral call out: “Of course I might think everything is fucked up, but that’s not true.” “Of course my brain wants me to think this, but it’s not EVERYTHING is it?” Ok, so bringing yourself down from total catastrophe of anxiety spinning to like hey hey slow down a sec, I hear you brain on that, but also…what about looking at it another way?
Now you’re going to choose a thought that feels better and believable to you and tell your brain right now, like hey brain, when my old thoughts start to come up, this is what I’ll be able to choose instead. Pick one or two thoughts you like and believe. One’s you’ll remember ok you don’t need a whole like laundry list of new thoughts just pick one or two that feel really true to you. And practice thinking it now, practice what it feels like to think that way. And then when you start to get anxious or terrified or stressed you can say ok wait what was I just thinking? Yes there it is again that thought that makes me anxious, but I decided already that I’m going to try this on instead.
If you’re really deep into the thoughts about war or covid or like whatever politics or whatver the thing is that you think is stressing you out, it might be hard for you to conceptualize that there even are neutral thoughts about these circumstances so I’ll share another example to try to get your brain working in this way. The example I like to use is body image. Like imagine someone that thinks “I look disgusting.” Maybe you’ve been that person so this is more relatable than I even know, but either way we can imagine someone who feels ashamed of her body because she thinks “I look disgusting and gross”. Thats her thought that’s causing her to feel shame or anxiety or self pity.
So, saying “I adore you I adore you I adore you” doesn’t work because it feels like total bull. That’s like an affirmation that doesn’t work. Just the same as saying “Everythings great, the world is perfect” feels like total bull to you. So not helpful.
Trying to force herself into a thought like “I am a sexual goddess of power and beauty” is not going to change anything if right now she hates her body. Just like “Ukraine is totally fine and not a problem at all for anyone” is just going to get your brain super frustrated ok so we’re not trying to lie to ourselves. We’re finding true-feeling, acceptable thoughts.
So an example of a thought that is better AND believable for this woman who right now thinks she's disgusting, might be “I have a body.” And every time she looks in the mirror or at a picture of herself and feels shameful or awful she can notice those thoughts of judgment those thoughts of shame that her brain has been offering her (“you’re gross, disgusting, etc”) and she can notice her unhelpful thoughts with compassion, and then redirect her brain to the believable and simple thought “I have a body.” And there might be comfort there. Or neutrality. Or maybe even a little appreciation or gratitude, right? Hey brain I see you giving me these thoughts about how I’m disgusting, and that doesn’t feel good. So, you know what else? I have a body. I feel grateful for that. I feel accepting when I think that. I feel neutral about that.
So it’s not like head over heels in LOVE yet. It’s not total self adoration and sexiness and glee. But it’s better than self hate, shame, self pity or whatever other negative emotions she’s been sitting in or trying to ignore or affirm away. Right? Another example instead of I have a body, could be “It’s possible to choose love for me if I want right now.” “My body has my back every time, I’m gunna try to have hers right now” or “My body has taken me so many places” or “My body is capable of a lot.” or “I’m working on seeing my own loveliness” or “hey girl, this is home.”
Ok so now let’s try some new thoughts about the world. Sometimes it’s easier to start these neutral thoughts with “It could be true that…” or “It might be possible that…” or even “I’m working on the belief that…. everything is okay for me now. I’m safe now. Many people are unaffected by this.” Or even the thought “I’m in charge of how I feel about this.” Ok, so like maybe you still feel anxious or stressed or terrified or upset and you can start to work on this more neutralizing thought about how much power you do have over your emotions. “I’m noticing where I have more control than I think” “I am on edge because of how I think about the world.” “I don’t need to be on edge.” “Being on edge does not help the world.” “The world is turning.” “I am alive in the world.”
“The world always has good and bad.” And I think that this one could be an especially important thought to work on for you now…noticing the duality of the world in every moment. And creating a feeling of acceptance or neutrality based on the thought that there is always both good and bad at work in the world. And that doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong. It’s okay for there to be horrible things in the world, because if I choose to, it helps me to see the beauty here. I wouldn’t know pleasure without pain. I wouldn’t know joy without grief. I wouldn’t know desire without depression. And so these are just some other thought suggestions for you or what we might call ladder thoughts, thoughts to build up to Everything is OK. Or whatever you’re ultimately wanting to think to be able to feel better or good. But the one about like I know that the world is both light and dark, always. I am just paying attention to the dark now. That’s a good one to get curious about, I think.
The world is both-and.
It always has been. Whether I was paying attention or not, the world is always full of things that I can cry and scream and tremble over. And the world is always full of things that I can laugh and love and explode with joy over.
I don’t think that trying to convince yourself that there’s more to be happy about or that we shouldn’t ever think about the negative things is the way to go. That’s not what I stand for. I don’t believe in 100% light. I believe that we can learn to guide ourselves and our nervous systems through the 50% awful and tragic and the 50% beautiful and grand. I stand for learning to hold it all. But I think that acceptance that there is always both, and nothing has gone wrong because of that fact, is paramount in being able to hold it all. There will always be a next version of the weight of the world. Always. There is no “waiting it out” or “closing our eyes and wishing it away”. So the sooner we can create neutrality around the way the world is now and has always been, the sooner we can get to the work of choosing how we want to feel, any time.
There was a post that I created on instagram that got a fair amount of buzz and I think it fits well here so I just want to read it to you now.
It says: There will always be a next version of ‘the weight of the world’, it might be time to figure out how to hold it.
To the friend who messaged me yesterday and said “If I let myself think to much into it, I collapse, I can’t manage my anxiety about what’s happening in the world”...Thank you for your bravery in saying what so many folks are thinking right now. What they’ve been thinking for the past few years, or decades. Maybe their whole life.
That the world is a fucked up place, and yet most people are sorely lacking the tools to navigate how to hold it all. That we are desperate to care, to help, to connect, to mobilize in some way for others or just for ourselves, and we are paralyzed in our grief.
Imagine if instead of learning advanced mathematics or how to use a stove in Home Ec, there was a class that taught us skills that you can’t just Google? A class about how to feel without fear. How to fear without paralysis. How to witness pain without taking on that pain. How to grow into emotional adulthood in the context of a world wrecked by injustices.
There’s not. So if you are confused about how to be out of control without feeling out of control, as you meet this imperfect world, your work is first to find the grace to meet yourself imperfectly.
Coaching taught me how to be willing to feel the weight of the suffering in the world instead of trying to block it out because I was terrified of my own emotions or what they would do to me.
Coaching taught me how to allow anxiety, for the first time in my whole life, and also invite despair, fear, stress, grief, in such a way that I don’t collapse.
Coaching taught me how to be with other humans in pain without needing to fix them, or fix anything, in order to feel better or stay out of pain. It taught me that I don’t take on the pain of the world, only that I create it for myself.
I had to let go of my anger at a failed system in order to find what I needed to be alive in this world. I hope that you’ll be bold enough to find and do the work you need now. I hope you’ll keep searching. And I hope Coaches find more ways to tell the world what they do and why it matters. Because the world needs more people to learn how to hold it’s weight.
Stay tuned for the next episode where we will go deeper into learning these tools for accepting, holding and releasing your anxiety. For now go and practice noticing the thoughts that are creating your negative emotions, and try to find some more neutral thoughts to replace them with.
If you are ready for someone to guide you through this work you need to come get coached and we will work on your thoughts. Not just the ones I’m using as examples on this podcast.
Love you. See you next time.