Hanna:
Welcome to Episode 32. I am doing something a bit different today…a Q & A session with some of your questions that you submitted. Yay! So thank you to those that submitted a question or a comment for this episode. I read through all of them and they were wonderful and I kind of combined a few of them because there were actually one or two themes. One of them was anxiety, of course, I always get tons of questions about anxiety but I actually got a few questions about specific types of anxiety or fear of specific things like flying, heights, and dogs, specifically, and I’m only going to address one so the others will hopefully be able to get some takeaways from that. I know even if you didn’t submit a question there is something that you’ll find a lot of value in here, because these questions did come straight from the dirty mouths of humans being humans just like you.
You know you can always submit feedback and questions any time you want to on my website. If you go to hannakokovai.com/podcast. That’s h a n n a k o k o v a i dot com forward slash podcast, you’ll find all past episodes and show notes there but also if you scroll down on that page you’ll see a place to submit questions or comments about the show. Also, for many of you that follow me on social media, you’re always welcome to slide into my DM’s and share your dirty thoughts with me there but I will warn you it will be easier for your comments and questions to get lost on those platforms. Ok so safer bet would be my website or even shoot me an email to [email protected] and just say hey I have a question I want you to answer on the show or here’s some thoughts about the show I wanna share. Ok?
One of my goals this year, my power moves, is to make sure my people are getting better, faster results. And sure mostly that pertains to my private coaching clients that work with me in my 90 day or 6 month programs but also I want my whole audience getting better faster results too..my email list, my social media followers, my loyal listeners and lovers of this work from afar, even you, the super secret ninja observer who never comments, likes, shares, or gives any inkling that you even exist in the realm of my coaching output, I want you getting better faster results too and part of how I am devoting myself to make that inevitable is to listen more to you. I want to know what’s working for you, what’s confusing you, what’s got your panties in a bunch, what you love and when you wanna punch me in the face. All of that will help me to be more clear, direct and goal-facing with the content and value I provide for you. Knowing what’s up will help me love you better.
So, if you’re into better faster results too, gimme a shout at one of the aforementioned places so I can curate my offerings, and trim the fat so to speak on all this dirty talk.
Ok let’s dive in. I imagine that I’ll spend about 5 minutes on each question but I tend to be long-winded when I get excited so we will see how this goes. I won’t be sharing the names of the person’s whose questions these are as I promised this would be anonymous so if you’re listening to hear the answer to your own question, you’ll just have to listen for your question not your name.
So we will see how you all enjoy this and if you like it I can certainly do more episodes like this.
Alrighty. This first question was from one of my Instagram followers and she says:
You did a post about forgiveness and compassion recently and I just don’t buy that. It sounds like turn the other cheek and that makes me feel like I’m back in 7th grade religions class.
Why would I forgive someone who did something really wrong?
So I’ve done a few posts about forgiveness and compassion but one that you might be referring to is a post from a while back where I said that Compassion might feel difficult or like a hard emotion to get to because you’re stubborn and don’t want to get there. Because compassion, like any emotion, can be a choice. You get to think thoughts that make you feel compassionate if you want to. And alot of people are like well what the fuck would I feel compassion for if this person was an asshole? Right so thats kinda your question, why would I choose that? But I think the misunderstanding here is that compassion doesn’t mean you agree with the other person’s behavior.
Feeling compassion does not mean that you condone what happened. Nor does forgiveness. Compassion means I see humanness in you. I see humanity being imperfect and I accept that that imperfection showed up in my life. If you think someone’s done something wrong, you don’t even need to believe otherwise to feel compassionate toward them OR even to forgive them. You can still think they are wrong if you want to. It might make it harder to get to compassion or forgiveness to stay down that road of right and wrong. But what I teach about compassion and forgiveness is that those are emotions, that feel good for you. The alternative to compassion and forgiveness is what? Anger. Resentment. Cold hearted. Those are the feelings you’re choosing now if you don’t want to choose compassion or forgiveness. And those don’t feel bad for the other person, they feel bad for you, right?
And as a fellow recovering Catholic I hear you with the PTSD of being back in gradeschool religion class learning about how you should turn the other cheek but that’s not what forgiveness is here at all. Forgiveness is not an invitation for someone to hurt you again or repeat the behavior again. Go listen to my episode about Boundaries. Knowing that someone has done something you don’t agree with and having that information about someone and not wanting that to happen again, you get to take responsibility to protect yourself however that looks. Not talking to that person anymore, removing yourself from similar situations, whatever, but that is not tied to your feeling of forgiveness.
Not forgiving someone because “you’re right” is like saying I can’t go to that party because it’s not my birthday.
Like ok, you can only have a party when it’s your birthday? Wow, that seems lame. And also you’re missing out on all the fun because you think you’re not allowed to have it until it’s your day.
You can go to this party even if it’s not your birthday, yeah?
You can choose the feeling of forgiveness or compassion even if you disagree with what happened. Because it feels good for you and you want to feel good. You don’t need a better reason than that. Like why are you waiting for permission to feel forgiveness from the person that hurt you? You really wanna keep giving up the power over your emotions?
Forgiveness does not mean I agree with what you did. It only means that you know you deserve to feel the feeling of forgiveness regardless of what was done and regardless of who gives you permission by saying sorry or trying to change their behavior.
When you forgive someone they don’t like feel that in their body. You’re not like oh I forgive that person and then some magical beam of forgiveness light gets transferred out of your body and into theirs and they feel amazing. No. So withholding forgiveness out of spite or righteousness is not withholding anything from the other person, it’s just withholding peace from your own damn self.
Also, you can forgive someone without them knowing. We think that forgiveness happens because we say words to another person like call them up and say like hey I forgive you. But you can decide right now to forgive someone and they don't even have to be a part of it. .
So to directly answer your question about why you’d forgive someone who did something really wrong: because you want to feel better. That’s why you would do that.
To feel better.
To choose peace for yourself over needing to be right. Over choosing to keep living in the negative feelings like anger and heartbreak and resentment.
And I get it’s hard to do but I know you can do it if you want to. If you don’t and you want to stay mad that’s okay too. Just notice what choosing to feel mad creates in your life.
Alright, this question came from Instagram as well: I get anxiety when I fly and I can’t deal with it. It has gotten worse since the pandemic, I think just wearing masks and the extra stress of traveling. I literally dread flying. It feels like I’m suffocating and I feel like I might pass out.
This is a great question. I love talking about anxiety and I want to encourage anyone who is truly ready to go there and get some resolution around your anxiety to come work with me privately where we can take the time to make big shifts in your anxiety story. I’m not going to be able to even scratch the surface of this work here so seriously consider coaching on this. Ok my approach to anxiety is pretty different than most approaches I’ve seen and it comes with more love than you’ve ever experienced in your whole life and probably alot of hard to hear moments, but its extremely worthwhile work and potentially life saving work.
So I’ll start by saying this: I am an expert at healing anxiety and helping people heal anxiety, and I do not teach tips and tricks. I know that if you struggle with anxiety you already know them all anyways. Ok? So I am not here to be like well have you tried EFT have you tried essential oils have you tried circular breathing? You probably have, and some of it has probably helped to lessen or alleviate the symptoms of anxiety in the moment…but then what happens the next time you fly? You get anxiety again and you’re scrambling to remember how to tap and which combo of vetiver and lavender helped to make you feel less dizzy. And it doesn’t actually do anything to lessen your anxiety long term.
I think the real problem for most of us is the fear of anxiety itself. You are not afraid of flying. You are afraid of feeling anxiety on an airplane. Right? So this is my annoying, punch your coach right in the face answer that you’re probably going to hate UNTIL IT FUCKING WORKS so listen: what if we worked on getting really good at feeling anxious so that you didn’t have to be so afraid of it?
To alleviate anxiety you must be willing to actually feel it instead of trying to talk yourself out of it, run from it, essential oil it away, or try to distract yourself and pretend it’s not there. Listen these were my choice tactics when I had anxiety really bad. So I get it. And I am not saying don’t use them. We all know I am obsessed with essential oils and I still have them with me on a plane and while you’re having an attack your brain wants comfort and if you can help anchor yourself to safety by using some tools then use them. But look, what if it wasn’t actually a problem to feel anxiety?
Have you thought of that before? We get so caught up in the sensations, because they do feel not good, I know that they don’t feel good, but we get so hyper focused on the sensations being bad, that we make it a huge problem, when really anxiety is just a bunch of sensations in the body that don’t last forever, and that you’ve definitely lived through before. The reason that they feel so terrible now is that you’re telling yourself that you can’t deal. You can deal and you have dealt AND preplanning to hate the experience of anxiety now is exacerbating your anxiety.
Have you ever passed out before?
Maybe.
Have you ever not passed out before?
I’m gunna guess yes.
Have you ever suffocated before?
Probably not but I guess it’s possible.
Have you ever not suffocated before?
Yeah.
Ok so you have proof that both could happen. Maybe you don’t haha maybe you only have proof that you’ve not ever passed out or suffocated because that was me I never did. I was like what if I pass out but I didnt even have any proof that I would. But here’s the thing: Do you want to go on an airplane? I’m guessing yes otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue because you could always just choose to never go on a plane. Right? But you want to fly sometimes yea?
Great then what thought will serve going on an airplane better?
I might pass out or there’s a good chance I won’t pass out?
Haha and I would even go so far as to say I can go on an airplane, feel anxious and be okay with it. Like that’s the thought I’d be going for.
There’s a chance I’ll feel anxious and that’s okay.
And the work to make that thought believable starts right now for you. Not when you’re on an airplane, it’s now. To practice feeling anxiety, and noticing that it’s okay. You don’t pass out. You don’t suffocate. Inviting anxiety in on purpose and putting your highly evolved brain to work noticing what anxiety is: sensations in the body that you don’t have to fear.
Ok so again you’re going to want to get support around this and I can help you learn how to fall in love with your anxiety so you don’t have to worry about it when it does show up and so you can start to eliminate it by choosing how you think about it. AND THEN we will get to the work of how to think differently about your triggers like planes, dogs, heights and all that. Because those triggers don’t cause anxiety. Otherwise everyone on the plane would feel anxious every time. Right? You have thoughts about those circumstances that probably originated from your brains desire to keep you safe. Your brains like what the fuck you’re voluntarily getting into this giant tube with wings and letting some dude you don’t know blast you to 36,000 feet?! Are you nuts?! That’s your brain trying to protect you so like find compassion for yourself here too, like it’s okay for your brain to want you to survive. It makes alot of sense for your brain to offer you thoughts that make you feel anxious and want to react to anxiety by escaping.
But you’ve now got these thoughts that might keep you from an experience that you’d like to have: feeling ok or calm or peaceful in the presence of those triggers. Ok so looking at what your brain is offering you about flying and deciding if it’s helpful to keep thinking those thoughts.
Your brain is beautiful and you are capable of dealing, you’re doing it. I am so proud of you.
Next question I received on my website a while ago and I really like this one it says I am loving your series about love sex and relationships and I am wondering, being in a relationship with someone who has recently cheated, how do I trust that he’s not going to do it again?
Why do you want to trust that he’s not going to do it again?
Do you need to trust that he won’t do it again? Why do you want to? Is it possible to love someone and decide to stay in a relationship with them and not trust them to not cheat? Because here’s what I think: trust is also a feeling and trust, to me, is more appropriately directed at ourselves, not other people. I trust that I will be able to handle my own emotions and manage my mind no matter what the other person does. I don’t want to live in the fantasy that I can control other people’s actions with my mind. I don’t need to take responsibility for what other people do, and releasing this debating about to trust him or not to trust him will relieve me of a perceived responsibility that was never mine to begin with.
This question pertains to everyone and anyone who is going to be in a relationship or is in one now, whether you've been with someone who has cheated before or not. It is possible that your partner will cheat on you. And if you are unwilling to accept that and be okay with it and trust that you’ll have your own back and can handle your own emotions, you kinda have no business being in a relationship. Right? So are you willing to have your heart broken? Are you willing to feel disappointed?
But I wonder sometimes if we are looking for guarantees through trust and that’s not how it works. Like I wonder if you’re asking how you’ll know it’s okay to trust? How do you know that if you trust it won’t happen again. You don’t know. Trust is not a certifiable way to control the outcome. If the caveat of trusting and feeling trust is having the right to know with 100% certainty that he won’t cheat on you again, then trust isn’t what you’re looking for. You’re trying to avoid getting hurt. But the only way to do that is either don’t be in a relationship OR decide that trust is not a guarantee, its a something that creates opportunity to be yourself in the relationship instead of spending time worrying about what might happen.
So trust is something you get to choose into at any time. Choose into feeling because you want to. I choose to trust him. That’s the thought you’re working toward if you decide that that’s what you want and you really like your reasons and you can feel trust through thinking, “I choose to trust him”. Yeah?
But what about “I choose to trust me”? I am working on trust with myself. I’m working on un-learning the programming of self distrust that’s been conditioned into me since birth. Distrust with myself didn’t happen in one go, with this guy. So I want to offer that this issue kinda has nothing to do with him. This issue or this struggle you're experiencing now do I trust him do I not trust him, this is here for something bigger than you realize. The opportunity to build trust with you. It may be a soul tap to wake up to your inner knowing and decide, you know, I’m working with all the self agency to choose, in every moment, what is best for me. I’m working with the tools I’ve always had but maybe neglected to trust the truth of this life: that most of it won’t be what I expected or tried to control for, and I can hold it all when it comes.
Alright I have time for maybe one more and this was also from someone on instagram in response to a post I did about the thought “I earned it” or ”I’ve earned this.”
The question is: Why would this thought keep us stuck? Isn’t it like a celebration of achievement to think “wow I’ve really earned this”!?
And this might be a good time to remind you all that thoughts work differently for every person and every situation. If you like what happens and how you feel when you think I’ve earned this then that’s great!
So yes, you could look at it that way— but that’s more like “I’m proud of myself for working for what I want”. Whereas “I’ve earned it” the way that I was talking about it in my posts, strengthens the link between worth and work.
Ok so to clarify, the post we are referencing here was um a Reel that I made while we were in Africa and it said
When I take a vacation it’s NOT because I “earned it”.
And then I gave A short list of things you don’t need to earn:
A holiday
Dessert
Sleeping in
Wine
Love
A cheeseburger
Netflix
Other people’s approval
Time alone
Naps
The right to leave
The right to speak up
Options
Rest
Another cookie
Time with your family
Time away from your family
The right to change your mind
The right to feel your feelings
All of those and more could be examples of areas where we’ve been conditioned to believe that we need to work beforehand to be able to experience them. Right? I can have this cookie because I went to two workout classes. I was a good person and showed up when he was in need and sacrificed my time to help him and I earned his love that way.
You CAN earn things through massive action but I think maybe I just take issue with the word “earn”. I just feel like maybe that word itself needs a little more inspection sometimes. And if it’s not a problem for you, great. But I do find that some people stop themselves from having what they could have right now, because they think theres alot of self sacrifice required to get there.
I was thinking about this even with the phrase those of us that live in the mountains know very well: earn your turns.
Earn your turns? I get the sentiment. Like I get that in order to ski backcountry there is quote “work” involved in skinning up to be able to ski down or snowboard in a more remote area.
I saw a guy I dated post this actually really recently he’s on some crazy cool backcountry ski trip. He’s an incredible skier and I think he’s super rad and badass I get what that means like it took him time and energy and physical fitness and knowledge and creative thinking and facing fears and some serious fucking work to get to the top of these mountains so he could huck himself off and enjoy a great ride.
But also the chick I saw go up the magic carpet and ski down the bunny hill for the first time is also rad and a badass. Right? Like she is an incredible skier compared to never having skied before today. She took incredible energy and physical fitness and knowledge and creative thinking and facing fears to get herself to this intimidating sport for the first time and ride that magic carpet.
And also do you know who is the most rad and badass skier I know..Michael. And he takes the fuckin chair lift.
You don’t have to earn shit. You just take the chair lift. And you still get sick powder and amazing terrain. If you want. Okay and maybe that analogy doesn't work for you but it’s like think about the idea of earning rest. That’s the most popular way I think this shows up for alot of us. Someone who works 80 hours a week and never takes time off deserves rest. And so does someone who works 10 hours per week from bed. She deserves rest too. It’s not about deservability or not being worthy of taking a nap because you didn’t do enough first.
So maybe this thought is like empowering you to take bold actions and do bigger things with your life or like I earned that because look at how hard I worked I feel so much pride for this thing I accomplished I really worked hard and earned that promotion or that spot on the Olympic team or I earned that praise about the project I really put my whole heart into and it makes having this outcome feel so much better for me, that’s okay to say that. That’s okay to think that, you all know I don’t think any of your thoughts are wrong. I only observe them hurting you sometimes and I wanna make sure you are aware of when you’re making yourself only worthy of things like rest of cookies if you first earn the right to have those things through overworking or under eating or over exercising or people pleasing. You don’t need the work beforehand to make the end goal more or less amazing for you. Like it can still feel incredible and deserved no matter what you sacrificed beforehand.
So the way this thought could keep us stuck is when we think “I’ve earned this” and then you don’t allow yourself to experience certain things that you want or need or desire or deserve, without having first suffered in some way to have it. Or you think that it was undeserved or beat yourself up for having it. I just want to make sure that if you want to, you are doing your part to work on dismantling the systems that caused us to think this way in the first place by severing the link between work and worth.
So one quick thing I want to mention is that I have gotten a handful of questions on varying topics with the question What do you think I should do? Being the ultimate inquiry. And I want to just address that question and if I had one of my clients on here now I think they would attest to this: I don’t know what you should do. No one knows what you should do. I don’t presume to know what you should do, ever. I don’t ever answer that question. Because I am not god, right? And I don’t believe in right answers. I believe in what you want to do and how to manage your mind around the outcomes. I do not know what you should do, about anything. Okay. I offer what I know about managing your mind and your emotions as a take it or leave it and if you wanna leave it and never do this work, that’s exactly what you should do. I don’t know if you should leave your partner or get a chihuahua or go back to school or invest or whatever. What do you want to do? Why? Do you like your reasons? So stop asking what you should do because that word is dirty. It’s a manifestation of the internalized oppression, the same as I was talking about with the girl who wanted to know how to to trust…we are taught that someone else knows better than we do about what to do with our one precious life and no one does. There is no should. I’m never going to know what you should do, only how to love the shit out of you while you figure out what you want. Ok so I’ll ask you all the juicy questions, I’ll anticipate you having all the answers. I’ll love you through it harder than anyone has ever loved you before, and I’ll keep calling you out on these outdated beliefs that “should” even exists on this wild life ride we’re on.
Ok that’s what I have for you today. Remember to leave a review wherever you listen, send me more questions and feedback about whether you liked this format. And I’ll talk to you next time!