Hanna:
Hey hey dirty minded people. Welcome to the second episode of Let’s Talk dirty.
Before we jump in today I got a question about my statement last time that there are no “wrong” thoughts. So I wanted to elaborate a little.
We are talking about dirty thoughts on this show and I realize there may be a negative connotation in that language but what I want to make clear is that people are not clones. We are fucking snowflakes, right? So I may have the same exact thought as you, and that thought makes me feel like garbage and it makes you feel empowered.
I’ll show you some examples of what I mean. For instance, “it’s all up to me” is a thought that feels overwhelming to some people. It’s all up to me and they feel overwhelmed. It might also feel motivating to somebody else. Oh it’s all up to me, great.
If I think “this is hard”, that thought usually makes me feel compassionate or proud of myself for doing the thing that I think is hard. But someone else might think “this is hard” and feel defeated.
Another example that came up today was the thought “I’m doing the best i can”. When I think that I feel understanding but when you think that you might feel disappointed.
So the point is : thoughts are not one size fits all and while our focus might be on thoughts that CAN create a negative emotion and a negative outcome it doesn’t mean that will always be true for you here on this show.
This leads me to my next point which is that no thought is inherently bad. There are no thoughts you shouldn’t think. Nor are there thoughts you should think. You have to just test them out and try them on and see what happens for you.
Ok so today we’re deconstructing this thought “But, I’m right.”
Ok that’s the title of this episode. From here on out the majority of the episodes are going to be titled with the thought that we’re discussing or that we’re pulling back the covers on.
So today’s thought is But I’m right.
People think this all the time, whether we’ve identified it yet or not, “I’m right” is very likely in your repertoire of thinking. There’s a very misleading message behind this thought which is that most of what we think is just us stating truths about what is. We tell stories or recount events or tell our coaches or therapists what our problems are and we think that everything that comes out of our mouth is just how the world is or the truth of the situation. But most of what we think is not true at all, it’s just optional thought. It’s the way we are choosing to see the world. It’s our interpretation of the world and what we are making things mean.
And you’re going to be like no no Hanna I know the difference between truth and lie. But the thing is that our brains are really good at finding evidence to prove our thoughts right. So don’t beat yourself up. Brains love creating connections and proving themselves right! And they do this without us even noticing most of the time. Sneaky sneaky brains.
If we haven’t consciously decided to think about what we are thinking and check in to see if what we are thinking is actually true, then our brains just go on autopilot and that’s how we get so sure of ourselves when we say stuff like “oh she’s just a difficult person and she makes me nuts” or “I can’t make more money” or my favorite one “he SHOULD do it this way.”
Those are all thoughts I’ve had btw. Those aren’t facts.
Those are just my chosen thoughts. Even if everyone I know agrees that quote she’s a difficult person, that doesn’t make it true. Because there are many other people in the world that will not have that thought about her. This is the test right? When we’re so convinced that we’re right, we can ask, would literally every person on earth agree with us?
Ok now remember when I said there are no wrong thoughts? Believing that our thoughts are right or true is totally fine. It becomes a problem when we are so connected to being right about a thought that actually has a negative result for us.
So if you think a thought and you’re like yes I’m in, 100 % right about this, even though not everyone would agree, I still choose to believe I’m right and I feel good about it, wonderful. You do you.
Here’s a fun exercise for you if you want to try it. I’m going to read an excerpt from something that one of my clients sent me and you can try to pick out only the facts. Pick out the things she’s right about.
Ok you ready?
Here’s what she said:
“Hey I can’t sleep. It’s making me crazy and I don’t know what to do. All I think about is work. I don’t have time to feed myself much less write these asinine reports that my boss loves to drop on me at the last minute. It’s hard because she is totally oblivious to the fact that these reports take a lot of time and consideration and she just expects me to drop everything in my life to complete them. I know I’m right but I can’t argue with her bc I don’t want to get fired.”
What facts did you hear in there? Because she sent me this and in her mind she was just telling me how it is, right, she’s thinking she’s just telling me a bunch of facts about her situation. So some of you might say yeah, it sounds like her boss is a jerk and it’s causing her to not sleep and she’s not eating so the solution here is to quit her job or something. Right?
Actually, the only facts we could pull from this collection of thoughts is that she has a job and she has a boss.
She thinks that she’s right about all of the other stuff though. She’s like, I can’t sleep and my boss is driving me crazy. I’m right my boss is wrong I shouldn’t have to do this, it shouldn’t be this way.
The truth is, if everyone in the whole world wouldn’t agree, then it’s not a fact. You’re not, quote, right, these are just thoughts you’re choosing to believe.
Ok so now you’re like so what is the problem? So she thinks her boss is a big meany, so what? So let’s talk about when thinking I’m right becomes a problem.
So when thinking I’m right becomes a problem is when we feel angry or hostile or ungrateful or disconnected or defeated or unmotivated or any other emotion that might lead to acting out or showing up as a version of ourselves we aren’t really feeling. And when you’re so sure that you’re right, it will be very difficult to change how you feel and ultimately the result you are getting.
When people come to coaching and they start explaining the scenario over and over and justifying their perspective to me, like trying to convince me to get onboard with their story, trying to get me to react and be like omg you’re right that’s so horrible, that tells me that this person might not be ready to believe (or maybe they have never even considered) the possibility that they are not right.
Needing to be right and wanting backup is really dangerous territory because it keeps us stuck.
I always say this to my clients: I’m here for you, not for your thoughts. So I’m not going to agree that your husband was being short with you or that your boss should have given you this assignment three months ago. You can’t convince me that your thoughts are true, in general. Because in general, they aren’t. They are true for you and that is what is creating something that you don’t like. You have a problem not because your boss is a jerk but because you think you’re right about your boss being a jerk!
So, You aren’t right. But here’s the fun part...you’re not wrong either! It’s just a thought.
So if you are convinced that you’re right about something. Ask yourself, how do I feel when I think that this is true? Do I want to keep feeling this way?
Sometimes the answer is yes! I think that my boss is a jerk and that makes me feel angry and I want to feel angry right now and sulk. Ok great. You choose that! But pay attention to what you DO when you’re angry because you think your boss is wrong. In the case of this client she was angry and was not putting out her best, or any work, because she was taking up all her time thinking about & blaming her boss, she even spent 3 hours writing an email to her co workers complaining about her boss. Which also took away time from her regular sleep schedule. It also turns out when she is angry she overeats sweets. So it wasn’t that she didn’t have time to feed herself as she first mentioned in that email, but she actually did have time to overeat pastries. See how that works?
So in this case letting go of her desire to “be right” about the situation actually allows for new thoughts about the situation to be explored, and new feelings about the exact same thing to come up.
So have you ever gotten mad about something and someone, out of love, tries to convince you that you should stop being mad? Like stop being mad about that. This happened to me the other day. A client didn’t show up for our scheduled call and I had the thought that she should know better and I’m right and she’s wrong. I’m right for being there and she’s wrong for not showing up.
And I told my partner this and he was like, stop being so upset she probably forgot or was sick or her internet was out or something, she’s never done this before.
And I was like no, I’m not ready to not be mad yet. I still want to be mad.
What he was doing there, without even thinking about it, was offering me alternative thoughts to think. Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe she was sick. Maybe something else is going on.
And this is such a lovely example of how just because I thought I was right and she was wrong, doesn’t make it true. My partner was thinking “maybe something bad happened” so he was feeling compassionate about the same exact situation that happened. He proved, right there, that our thoughts aren’t ultimate truths.
And I proved that we actually do choose how we feel...by consciously deciding that I still wanted to feel angry and pissed. So I kept holding onto this thought that I was right and she was wrong for like 10 more minutes until I felt ready to change my thought to, “I wonder what happened with my client today” then instead of angry, I became curious, which ultimately led me to actually just ask her what happened and find out that she had had her internet go out and we laughed about it and rescheduled our session. And it was no big deal.
From anger I would have probably written her a not so nice email and potentially created a problem between us where there needn’t have been one at all. So, considering the possibility that you’re not right, will always lead you to more awareness of how you choose to think.
So some of you might be saying, but what if you WERE right? What if she did just bail? She should have known better!
If I had asked her what happened and she had said, oh I just forgot and bailed, that gives me another opportunity to question whether my thought she SHOULD know better is right.
Should she know better? Who says? Why should she?
Spoiler: no one should do anything. They do exactly what they are supposed to do. And how do we know that? Because they did. I’m going to talk more about this idea of Should in a future episode. But my short answer is “she should” is not actually true either, even if she bailed maliciously on our call.
Now, what if my partner had agreed that she was wrong and I was right and she should have known better than to bail on our session? What if he was like you’re right she is horrible client?
What if I got some backup on my thought?
One of my classmates in my coach certification once said to me, “two thoughts in cahoots don’t make a fact. That’s just an agreement.”
But we do this often right when we think something is true we look for backup and we look for evidence that proves our point. And often times we fool ourselves into thinking that just because someone else agrees with us, then we can say we are right.
But sorry not sorry, even if most people would agree, that’s still just a bunch of thoughts in cahoots, it’s not a fact. So this leads me to my next point which is that many of our thoughts are not only NOT true. They are optional opinions. Many of them are NOT originally your own.
In the next episode we’re going to explore where thoughts come from. So go ahead and keep listening to episode number three to hear more about this idea that many thoughts are not originally your own.
And until then, challenge your thoughts! Decide whether thinking you’re right is serving you. And if not, it’s time to ask yourself some new questions about what you want to believe.
Until next time, it’s okay to get a little dirty!