Hanna:
Hello my fellow anxious humans. Welcome to episode 19. Where my anxiety sufferers at? MY people. This one’s for you if you feel anxious in relationship situations. Or if you feel like anxiety is the reason you act or don’t act certain ways with people. Or maybe you don’t know if anxiety plays a part in your relationships…so let’s find out if it does!
Some people describe relationship anxiety as a worry about whether they are doing things right in relationships or saying the right thing. Some people's relationship anxiety shows up anticipating the “worst” will happen like someone leaving them. Sometimes we feel like anxiety keeps us from moving forward in relationships because we have fears of what will happen. Some of us can’t seem to break free of ruminating on what other people think about us. Maybe relationship anxiety for you is feeling stressed out in social situations.
So we’re here to talk about when Anxiety is running and potentially ruining a specific relationship, like you have anxiety about your friend or a specific family member, partner, whatever. OR it's like you are anxious or stressed about anyone, any relationship even with strangers like omg that lady in spin class thinks I’m weird or the guy bagging groceries must think I’m so lazy. Or like I am too insecure to even date anyone or stay in a relationship.
So many ways this shows up and SO many results caused by allowing anxiety to run your relationships. Maybe it means you don’t have as many relationships as you’d like, or dont have relationships that feel deep or committed. Maybe your result is that you’re at odds with people in your life, or avoidant.
So this can probably apply to anyone and on such a wide ranging scale from small stresses to full blown anxiety attacks. All of which cause some type of action that isn’t desirable for you to be taking in relationships.
Think about where you see anxiety creating something you don’t like in your relationships.
And remember you might describe this sensation with a different word like worry, stress, uneasiness, fear, discomfort. Where are those feelings making it difficult for you in relationships?
And if you’re there we can notice that changing the relationship is not the solution to anxiety. Right?
I talk about this a lot with clients like you can change the partner. Change where you work so you don’t have to deal with that coworker that you’re anxious about. Change your family. Change your friends. Don’t go out. But it doesn’t matter what you change externally, because until you change your brain and thoughts you will always find something or someone else to feel anxious about.
It doesn’t even matter if you’re in an incredible relationship, like if your partner is just amazingly loving and cares for you and thinks you’re just the MOST. I know this because there are so many women who are anxious IN a great relationship.
“Something is going to go wrong. What if he secretly hates me? He probably is just with me out of pity. Maybe he’s cheating on me.”
Your brain will still look for evidence even if the other person is literally perfect.
So if you’re like I can’t work here anymore my boss makes me anxious. Or I can’t visit the in-laws because I get too anxious. I dare you to change your job and your in-laws without doing any thought work and tell me you’ve got no more anxiety in relationships. It just doesn’t work.
It’s like whatever we let our brains do, unchecked, right now, will happen over and over and over again no matter where we live, who we live with, what job we have, and all of that.
So here you are, you’d probably describe yourself as anxious, maybe people-pleasing. Maybe this shows up for you in staying in situations where you aren’t really happy because your anxious brain says you probably won’t find someone better. Or even if your relationship ended, you can’t come off the situation in your mind. You keep thinking anxious thoughts about the person even if they are gone. You jump from past focus to future focus which creates a lot of anxiety and you’re kinda right, that you’re allowing anxiety to run & ruin your relationships. The the thoughts about past relationships are anxious ones, leaving you feeling insecure or ashamed of what you did or didn’t do, and the thoughts about current relationships, “I don’t want to mess this up”, and sabotaging future relationships or the future of your relationships right by worrying about what they are gunna think or do and that doesn’t lead you to show up authentically or with joy or true connection in those relationships.
Yah? So anxiety about relationships. It’s a cluster.
I remember ignoring people not because I had boundaries around my time, but because I was scared to talk to certain people. Or like panicking when I saw emails from certain people or texts like I would ghost or put off talking to people all the time.
And also me was the thing I said about like putting up with the things that you don’t want or putting up with not enough because you’re anxious about being in conflict, having a disagreement or breaking up. I would avoid saying things for fear of someone disagreeing.
I used to be this person. I was also second-guessing myself constantly in relationships…omg I used to leave events in tears or not even go to events because I found it too stressful.
So if you’re like this is me, My anxiety runs my relationships. I have anxious attachment. I am a people pleaser. I am insecure. We’ve talked about how this is not helpful to keep these labels of yourself and living into your self concept. Ok so this is a thought cluster I want you to identify now if you are basically making yourself a prisoner of your own mind if you are like “I’m just an anxious person.” “Anxiety runs my shit, that’s just me.” “Anxiety is my relationship kryptonite.”
I hear you that right now it may be true. Or at least feel extremely true. But we need to detach from this as an identity so we can move into some work to explore the anxious thoughts.
Sometimes we feel anxious, but if you feel like that anxiety runs your life, or that anxiety is your personality then you may be identifying as just an anxious person, with nothing to be done about the results you’re creating because you can’t possibly be any other way. “This is who I am.” I did an episode called this is who I am. I think it was episode 16. Go listen to that episode, ok?
You’re like but no Hanna it’s EVERYWHERE. I am an anxious person. Anxiety is level 100 with every relationship so it is who I am. I am literally worried about if my cat likes me.
Worried about if your dog likes you. I was just talking about this with my partner the other night we were out to dinner and he was like I just want to be validated. And that’s why we got a dog that likes to cuddle and give affection because Michael’s like I can’t have a dog that I think doesn’t like me. But then I reminded him that even now, with our dog Ghost who does love to love on him, Michael still get’s bummed out and is like do you think he hates that I come try to pet him all the time? Do you think he’s annoyed by me? Right? Can anyone relate to this! This is more common than I thought. Like I want make sure my pets freakin love me and I’m constantly anxious that they are just irritated by me so I give them all the treats all the time. Haha There is nothing wrong with any of this.
I just want you to think about whether you are making you being anxious mean that that’s all you can be in the specific situations that are causing you relationship distress. Ok?
Nothing is wrong, unless you make it wrong in your mind and make it your curse. Someone close to me said to me recently that anxiety is her cancer. And I felt that pain. I did. But I also felt like wow what an interesting self diagnosis, to compare anxiety to an incurable disease that is often life threatening. I know what it’s like to feel that way but it’s also dangerous to your evolution to see anxiety as a death sentence. Do you see that?
So I do always want to remind you that nothing is wrong with you if you “freak out” about relationships constantly. Like if you can’t stop thinking and feeling anxiously it is really easy to start beating yourself up and naming this problem as something being wrong with you. I used to think this. I was broken. My brain was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.
It’s so easy for me to say now that I’m the other side of that mentality but I’m going to say it anyway. You need to stop believing that you are broken. Or that something has gone wrong. Because that is a defeating and shameful thought. And when we are defeated and feeling ashamed of ourselves there is no space for exploration or possibility. There is just more anxiety and that sinking feeling I used to get that was literally depression for me…right. My brain is fucked and this is fucked and I am fucked. Depression.
If seeing yourself as broken gives you determination or allows you to feel less alone then maybe seeing yourself as broken can be helpful. I know a coach who’s tagline is “we’re better broken” which I get like to me that means like we all have humanness, we all have pain and obstacles and challenges. But I know for sure her message is not “we’re better off staying broken and playing the victim.”
Ok you see the difference?
Some of my clients have told me reasons why they think they are just anxious and it can’t be changed. Some say it’s because they are just sensitive. Right? There’s this thing on the internet right now HSP, highly sensitive person, and if that gives you relief about how your brain reacts in relationships great, but I’ve found for alot of people when they identify as sensitive or empathic, they are actually seeing that as a problem. I am too empathic and will always do things like overgive to try to calm my own anxiety, people please, avoid conflict, shut down…
So if thats you, if you are telling yourself that you were raised to feel insecure in relationships or be the submissive one or that your astrological sign determines that you be an axiety-ridden people pleaser, you can consider whether that is a helpful story to be telling yourself if you want to lower your level of anxiety in relationships.
Ok so for those that are like ugh but why is my brain sabotaging my relationships!? Shouldn’t it want me to connect with people? Aren’t we wired to connect? Why do I suck at this?
I’m going to tell you right now why your brain is working perfectly. At a very basic level, you’ve heard me talk about this before, your primal brain wants you to care deeply about what other people think, make sure you know who likes you, and try to accommodate other people and be agreeable, because if you weren’t that way early on in our evolution, you might have been killed off or left to die. You needed to accommodate. Especially as a woman because you did need to procreate. So when your brain freaks out that someone doesn’t like you or you need to avoid conflict, at the most basic, primalistic level this is why: stay liked by the tribe. Be desirable, don’t piss anyone off, continue the human race, survive. Cooperate to stay alive. Pay attention to if someone is rejecting you, and the more awareness you have of whether other people like you, the more likely you’ll be able to keep the peace and live longer.
Ok so your brain is working.
Even though we don’t live in caves anymore, your brain isn’t evolving as quickly as the times. Without you asking it to perform differently, it pretty much still runs on autopilot which was programmed at the dawn of time.
Now, throughout my studies and my own experience with anxiety, I’ve found there’s another force at work here that ups the anty for women on letting anxiety run your relationship even further, and that is how we, as women are socialized, regardless of what type of household you grow up in, to play the role of the weaker sex.
The social system we all live in right now is one that separates men and women by these cultural stereotypes and gives us certain roles of nicer, sweeter, more emotional, agreeable.
Right and some ways these show up in our modern day vernacular is like, “don’t be a bitch” “you should be patient with people” “you're acting like a crazy person” “she’s being aggressive, entitled, nagging.” “you’re not listening” “she’s being selfish.”
So the same is true for men though like you were socialized to see these dynamics as well. If you don’t identify as male or female you still went through a socialization process in your early life and this type of patriarchal conditioning affects our brains without us noticing it. This is not your fault, this is your brain being conditioned to be quote unquote a woman. Ok so nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with your brain. This is the patriarchy at work.
What I found when I was having a super high level of anxiety in my relationships, I had adopted this kind of internal likability meter that only moved, only showed me how cool I was, how likable I was, how lovable I was, how not crazy, how worthy I was when I could be sure about what other people thought about me.
What other people think is how we measure our worth.
Think about that. Is how you measure your worth based in what other people think? Think about like getting good grades. Or getting a promotion. Or someone swiping right on you. Your parents congratulations when you do something they approve of. Your kid saying I love you mama. All based on someone else’s assessment of you.
And if this is you. Maybe you’re not using the same words as I am. Maybe you’re not saying “I’m not worthy” but if you are allowing anxiety to run your relationships it is likely that you have adopted some type of measurement of goodness, or importance, or worthiness or lovability based on what other people think.
So this is normal. Your brain may be an anxious one, and what I call neurodivergent, but also why is that abnormal? It’s not, to me because when we look at why it could be that way it seems pretty normal. Ok so stop making anxiety into a cancer.
Because the impact of evolution can be changed and the impact of socialization can be changed.
And you’re like well that’s easy for you to say Hanna, you are confident and know how to draw healthy boundaries and you just don’t care what people think.
NONE of those things happened naturally or easily for me. Ok? I am a product of evolutionary thinking and social and cultural conditioning.
Validating myself, accepting myself, choosing love for myself and knowing that is always enough comes from managing my mind, daily.
And I have to practice belief in possibility
all
the
time.
Neurodivergent minds feel harder to manage than neurotypical minds because they create different rules and push back harder when we try to do the things that neurotypical brained people do with self work.
My neurotypical client who has a goal of changing careers was like, “so I called the owner of the company I want to work for last night and told him why I was so interested in the job’. And I’m Coaching her so I’m all, interesting, so how did that conversation go?
But my anxiety brain is like you did what!? Weren’t you sweating and freaked out about what to say and how to say it because what if he thought you were pushy or overstepping or not normal!? That’s straight cray!! Run away never show your face at that company ever again.
So yeah, it’s harder sometimes. Or is it just different? Is it just knowing yourself and knowing what your brain is up to so that you can look at your brain and say, you’re anxious, so what? Come at me bro. Gimme your best shot…because possibility grows the more practiced I become at learning my own brain’s idiosyncrasies. Possibility is alive where I am curious and not afraid or pretending.
It’s possible to manage a neurodivergent mind, especially when you know it’s ways and what you can expect. It’s possible to trouble shoot for anxiety and have incredible, loving, fulfilling, exciting and stress-free relationships.
Right? This is a weird metaphor but for anyone who has a dog, or even a kid, haha but I’m using the dog example Bc I have those so it makes more sense to me.
You have your dog and they are your bff. Think about why they are your bff. All the amazing things you love about having your dog. Maybe they cuddle with you. Maybe they are silly and make you laugh. Maybe they are loyal.
Now think about the thing that annoys you about them. Or the thing that makes them a little trouble-maker. The thing that makes them difficult.
All dogs have that one thing. Don’t lie, your dog has that one irritating thing about them that if they didn’t have it it would be so much easier for you.
Maybe they drool on your furniture.
Maybe they don’t like other dogs.
Maybe they jump on the counter and steal food.
Or they hate car rides and puke all over.
The idiosyncrasies that your dog has doesn’t make them a bad dog, you still love them just same, the things that are tough about your dog just keep you aware of exactly how you need to manage them.
You put a blanket on your furniture so they don’t get drool there. You keep your dog on a leash around other dogs to keep everyone safe. You hire a trainer or simply don’t leave food out to deter them from jumping up. You give them CBD so they can chill in the car.
There’s a different way that each person has to manage their dog.
But you learn your dog and what they need and you accommodate those needs so that you can both coexist in more mutual peace and love.
You can learn your anxious brain and manage the anxious thoughts so that you can feel mutual peace and love. With your brain. You can cuddle and coddle your brain because you want to love it for it’s idiosyncrasies. You can LOVE your anxious brain for what it’s brought to your life and continues to bring to your life now. AND you can also call in the Trainer when you know it’s time to manage the outcomes a little bit better.
I am the trainer. But I can teach you how to be the trainer too.
You can be the trainer of your mind. You don’t love your mind less for how it’s functioning, you just learn to anticipate the support it needs.
So here’s what you need to start doing today:
Practice believing in the possibility that you run your relationships.
And then start finding evidence. Find proof through asking questions in situations where anxiety comes up like:
If I believed in me right now, what might I do?
If I had my back right now what might I say?
If I was in charge of my brain, what could I think?
What would a confident person be capable of here?
Can I live full out even if I don’t know what this person is thinking?
It might be okay to enjoy myself, I’m curious what would that look like?
Who could I be if I felt secure in myself? I wonder if I could give being her a try right now.
Write those down. If anxiety is running the show you need these inquiries because right now you’re not challenging the anxious brain. You’re basically giving it the green light to be in charge of your relationships.
And finally, decide why you want to run your relationships and let anxiety worry about the shit that is truly life threatening.
Because there’s gotta be an intriguing and valuable reason that you want to try hard at managing your anxious mind. Managing your mind to reduce relationship anxiety needs to have a compelling reason for you. Otherwise it’ll be all too easy to let anxiety take over, and reinforce the belief that this is just how things are.
I believe in you. You can run your relationships. Anxiety can come along and have it’s opinions but you get the final say.
If you’ve been listening to the show and feeling like you’re ALMOST there, you’ve ALMOST got ahold of this thought work thing, you are probably ready to come work with me. And here’s why now is the best time:
First, It’s about to be that magical time of year where everyone thinks that when the Calendar numbers change to reflect a new year, they will magically be capable of setting goals, holding themselves accountable, following through, and changing their life sometimes before February 1. But we know that the date on the Calendar doesn’t change your life, you do. So, you can decide make THIS YEAR the year you actually do something different instead of just saying that you’re going to.
Second reason that now is the best time is that I am going to be raising my Private Coaching rates in the New Year, which means that if you want to get Coached at my current rates and be grandmothered in at that price point, you need to sign up with me before January 1st.
And finally, now is the best time because your anxiety is telling you that it's not a good time, you’re too busy right now, it’s the holidays so it’s not about you right now, or whatever else your anxiety is feeding you to try to protect you from growing… and you have an opportunity to practice running your life instead of letting anxiety run it, right freakin now.
Go sign up for a Consultation, there’s only a few spots left. If nothing is available on my calendar and you really want to start coaching before the new year or for the new year, send me a private message on my website or hit me up on my fav social platform instagram @HannaKokovai.
Happy Holidays. Hug your anxiety and tell it you got this.