Hello hello welcome this is episode number 63 of let’s talk dirty, the show about the things our brain thinks that keep us stuck. If you are new to the show special welcome, I’ve been acquiring some new followers on here and it is so great to have you all. If you’re brand new I want you to know there is a whole basket of goodies to taste, don’t waste the content that’s already here and waiting for you to get some epic juiciness from..go back through the library and listen to some of the episodes from season 1. They are all killer and they all have some value for you even the ones about being a mom if you're not a mom or the ones about relationship if you’re not in a relationship, I promise, these episodes have been known to change perspectives and sometimes lives. I challenge you to go into every episode assuming there’s something for you in there.
Today I’m going to talk to you about something that happens too often in conversation with women…
And that’s just like, my opinion man, right? But I’m fired up about this because I really think it’s happening too much because it’s a telltale sign of some sneaky little self worth or self shaming or self doubting thoughts. So the thing I’m talking about is when you’re talking with someone or in conversation or telling someone or teaching someone something and you say, “Does that make sense?” Or “I don’t know if I’m making any sense but…”
“I’m making no sense right now..”
Your toxic supremacist conditioning is showing. It’s peeking out.
That sentence is actually what happens when we FEEL unworthy or invalid. So this isn’t necessarily about a specific thought today, it’s actually about the Action we take, the action being the words we speak “I dunno if this makes sense” coming out your mouthhole.
So that coming out of your mouth is a sign to me that you’re feeling unworthy or shameful or invalidated or insecure…And it’s not because of what someone else is doing, it’s because of what you are thinking.
Raise your hand if you ever say this in conversation. I used to alot. I still do sometimes, and it’s always when I’m feeling the sting of shame or insecurity. Because of a thought that I am harboring about how shameful and unworthy whatever I’m saying or thinking or doing is.
It’s not that it “doesnt make sense” thats just not true, right, because most of the time, it does make sense TO YOU and you just think that people aren’t going to understand what makes perfect sense to you and your’re making that a problem.
When you say something with words, I believe that it’s always the best human expression of the electricity flying around in your brain and your body. You know what you mean, you express it in the best way that you can in that moment.
And what’s more, no one is ever going to make perfect sense of what you say. They are never going to feel what you feel, or know what you know how you know it.
Their understanding is based on their thoughts and life experience.
So no pressure!
It doesn’t have to make perfect sense to other people, it only has to make sense to you.
Someone else’s ability to procure value from what you say or share is THEIR skill to build, not yours.
I talk about this inside the client portal, like my coaching for example, you come to a call with me and I share examples and analogies and postulate in my words about what’s going on with your brain and you get to decipher that how you want and how your brain does. Your job is to take what I say and use it to your benefit. Sometimes I say something that I think is profound and someone just brushes right past that to the thing I said that I think sounded to me like pretty bland nonsense and they take that and apply their own logic and turn it into diamonds.
So the point is that if saying “Does that make sense” is a habit, go ahead and break it now because your job is not to make things that you express make sense to other people. If it doesn’t make sense to them and they care about understanding, they will ask you to clarify.
So stop saying that out of habit or out of the need to make things make sense for others. You cannot do that either way.
So I want you to imagine speaking to someone and going into “making your points” or “telling your truths” with the knowing that it is the other persons responsibility to use their unique skill set of understand to create understanding within themselves,
It’s only your job to FEEL understood by you.
When you ask does that make sense, what you’re really saying is “validate me.”
Take away the shame I have about what I just shared. Take away the pain I feel for being an idiot. I need your validation in order to keep speaking. In order to make this a safe space, you need to make me feel good about what I just said.
And NONE of that is empowering you to stand in your own worth. It is stripping you of your right to FEEL understood and worthy on your own terms. You can FEEL those ways without validation of someone else saying “I get you.”
YOU GET YOU. You say that to yourself, in your own mind. You see you. You get you. You feel you. Girl, preach that, don’t I know it. I make so much sense to me. What I say is valid. Right and to feel self acceptance no matter what’s comin out your mouth. Sometimes it DOES sound like gibberish to you. The reason it sounds like gibberish isn’t because you’re inferior or a dummy. Right, that’s not helpful to feeling understood or worthy or empowered…I am passionate about this, of course I have alot of thoughts flying out. It’s tough to express myself about this because I’m feeling emotional and thats totally ok. I’m only human. I don’t have the words just yet but I know what I mean inside.
That’s the road to self validation. Remembering that it comes from strengthening those beliefs consciously and consistently.
The reason I am so sure that saying this phrase is a result of a feeling of unworthiness, insecurity or shame is because I am the guinea pig and those are the emotions that I found every time I dug past my own uttering of this phrase. Saying “does that make sense. I dunno if I’m making sense” used to show up in my A line all the time. In my actions. In how I was talking to people and the result of asking that constantly was usually seeking external validation to make me feel good which just continues the cycle of fear and anxiety that I’m no good therefore can’t have/do/feel/say what I want.
And I started to notice it and I was like why am I saying that?
Like I remember talking with guy friend who was asking me about this very podcast. He was curious about what it was about and why I got started doing this and my work and whatever and I told him you know it’s a show that I created as a free resource for my clients and any anxious brained women like myself to help them become more aware of how they are getting in the way of their best lives, start loving themselves more in honor of their true desires, and unfuck their brains a bit. Or something along those lines. Right I told him like a little synopsis of the show and how it supports my work as a private Life Coach and it’s also alot of fun for me to talk about the brain-based Coaching I use privately with my clients and I really enjoy the challenge it gives me to put my voice out into the world.
Right and I paused and then I just rolled right into the sentence, “I dunno if that makes sense” haha.
And I caught it and was like why did I say that? Like the truth is that everything I said makes perfect sense to me, and in my eyes, perfect sense, period, so why did I need to say that?
And so I traced it back up through the model. If you’re new here the model is a simple but uber powerful tool I teach you inside private coaching to learn how to become boss at creating more helpful feelings and results.
But I was like hm where did this come from? And I noticed I said that because I feel ashamed in some way. Now why the fuck would I feel ashamed about what I shared about my podcast and my work? And I was like well ok what my brain is offering me is this belief that men only respect women who work in a traditional field and this guy thinks what I do is total fluff and bullshit and I should just go back and be a therapist.
Whoah. And what I noticed was in this small seemingly insignificant phrase, I was standing up for gender roles that I DON’T actually believe in. In that one little phrase I was fighting for the disappearance of my own spirit and divine work. I was arguing for playing smaller and trying to fit in. All that heavy ass bullshit wrapped up in this tiny little expression of self doubt.
Right so that is just one example of when my conditioning was showing, for me. But based on my research I’m very sure that when this sentence comes out of your mouth it’s because you already FEEL ashamed or unheard or invalidated or unworthy and news flash…99.9% of the time those feels are coming from a thought you’re having about yourself, not from something this guy who asked about my work did or didn’t do.
You guys are like omg Hanna you’re getting so detailed and nit picky about what I can say and what I can’t say and I’m afraid to have a conversation with you because you’re going to be like HEY BITCH YOUR SOCIALIZATION IS SHOWING, COVER THAT SHIT UP.
Haha. I will not do that. I’m doing it now so you can do that to yourself. No Im kidding, don’t yell at yourself, this is not a big deal so let’s not blow it out of proportion, it’s just something to become interested in if you want.
Right because why are we really talking about this? Why does it matter that we say something so benign like “does that make sense?” after explaining something?
You could argue that it doesn’t matter. That this is an asinine conversation about something so insignificant that you’re going to stop listening to this tedium now. No worries if that’s the case. K bye.
But here’s why I think its important to show a little interest in this phrase and one’s like it: The little shows of unworthiness, when noticed, take the littlest effort to change. And I don’t know about you, but any time I can do something easy to change something hard, I’m in. The little ways we can alter how we are in the world just by being curious and interested about why we do that, hm, why did I say that? They are the gateways to your own Royal Flush. Your own BIG WIN. Like, winning at poker might actually be easier for you if you know the other player’s tells. You know, a tell, like when someone sighs or scratches their head, you’re like oh he only does that if he’s nervous which means he’s bluffing or has a shit hand. Knowing your own tells helps you in winning at life! Or at least getting the MOST out of your own life without crushing your spirit by feeling unworthy of it.
I believe that for alot of you, changing the BIG B’s, the big beliefs about your worth and what you can do and who you are, will take some chipping away at the seemingly inconsequential manifestations of those beliefs. And this is one that, after listening to this podcast, we’re all just going to notice more. Right, we hardly have to DO anything at all to chip away at this one. We’re all going to be clued in and tuned in and we’re going to have an awareness when it comes out of our mouths like oh hm interesting, there’s a tell, I wonder where that came from? Why that came out?
We’re going to be able to notice when our conditioning towards unworthiness is showing, and maybe make a little adjustment.
And then we’ll do it again, and again, just notice, and question it, until we start to believe that everything we say & do has worth, and it doesn’t really matter if it makes total sense to anyone but us, and we’ll start asking really cool questions like, “how can I understand MYSELF more fully?” “Where’s this self worth contradiction crap coming from?” and “What do I think I need unworthiness for, anyway?
So I want you to look out for this little nip slip of unworthiness, notice, hey, something kinda important is showing…I wonder what led me to say that.
Alright that’s what I have for you today, thanks again for listening and being a part of the lets talk dirty community. If you like this show you’re going to LOVE what I have for you inside private Coaching with me. I work with anxious-brained women on their relationships, careers and overall lives to stop overthinking everything, people pleasing like it’s their job, dragging their feet on their goals, hating on themselves and much much more. Life Coaching is super fun, you get total access to my brain every week. The Client Portal, where I keep all my best coaching tools and secrets is unlocked for life for you when you start Coaching with me..and it’s expanding like crazy right now too. It’s literally a $10,000 bonus for the low low price of FREE when you come to Coaching aaaand I’m not sure how long that generosity is going to last to be honest I have been thinking about making that resource a add-on option instead of a given because it’s just getting so ginormous and rich with life changing materials. So, MAKE SENSE OF THAT, and get your ass into private coaching. The link is somewhere. Find it. Or DM me. I will talk to you next time.