Hello lady friends…and random dudes who sometimes listen to this show. Haha I love you too don’t get offended. I’m here for all ya’ll and today I am talking actually about something that the guys might be interested in as well come to think of it. A common feeling that people who have constipated emotions might feel. Again, no offense. Today we’re talking about anger. Being a straight up biotch. Blowing your lid. Getting cranky. Heated. Angry.
I love watching myself get angry because it’s very human. The things I get angry about are so absurd too it’s like michael closes the door too loudly in the morning aka noon or like I get so made when I’m trying to book a flight and forget incognito mode and the algorithm is like oh sorry your flight to Bali is now $1000 instead of $897 and I’m like nevermidn we’re not going, haha I love it, or like someone asks to pet my dog while I have earbuds in and I’m like what the fuck is your problem mind your business can’t you see I’m busy?
It’s like sometimes I think that I am an old soul who has been here many many times before on planet earth and I’m like ahhh here I am back again to just rock the boat even more and turn shit up let me explore how deeply I can go this time around…but then other times I am like nah I’m brand spankin new here because things that are like old news to old souls like getting angry feels way too darn important and satisfying. Like I certainly was not here before learning this lesson or maybe I just didn’t pay attention to everything the first times around because I’ll like marinate in my anger and think it’s productive or even worse, powerful.
I get angry and I’m like YES feel my great and powerful wrath…and then no one feels shit except me because I just stew in my own filth for days feeling like hot garbage.
But I kinda love when that happens because I do usually come out of it being like omg girl you are SO human it’s adorable.
So anyhoo, I didn’t really know what to call this episode because it is more of an idea than a specific thought that got me spinning my wheels today. I was going to call this episode “getting back at him” or “evening the score” because what I really think I want to talk about is how we think about people that have hurt us. And the tendency to go to anger and want to like see other people suffer or give them a taste of their own medicine. So there’s alot of thoughts that could happen when we think like someone is out of line or wronging us. And like obviously big caveat, if someone is wronging you or out of line speak up and stand in your power this episode is not about like just pretend it’s all good all the time. If someone is being a dick and you’re like “oh no problem” when it is a fuckin problem, that’s a problem, but I think today what I want to get to is like how can we become more aware of what sitting in anger, or diverting to anger does to us if we don’t process through it to get to the good stuff. Get to the stuff of action or the stuff of feeling the real feels and allowing those feelings to come up and show us our humanness too.
So this is more like when anger is unhelpful. When anger isn’t serving you or the situation which frankly is 99.9% of the time. Anger is more an emotion of nervous system response, it’s automatic when our central nervous system is triggered and we go into fight mode. Very normal, very acceptable, nothing wrong with that but then we don’t allow our body to do it’s job of processing and releasing and recovering from that hit of anger and we get stuck there and it’s almost like putting on a mask so we can’t see what helpful or highly intelligent emotions are trying to poke through and give us a hand or give us some guidance.
And the other part of this to have some big compassion for is that staying angry is a method of protection. Right we think about anger and in our humanness we are like oh that’s big and powerful and no one messes with rage energy and so I’m going to use this emotion and cloak myself in it so that I don’t have to feel what I’m afraid to feel…which alot of times is some flavor of hurt or discomfort. So when I’m feeling anger about something someone else did or how someone behaved towards me, I always want to follow my curiosity and ask like what am I trying to protect myself from feeling?
What would I have to feel if my ability to be angry was mysteriously taken away? Why don’t I want to feel that way and can I be more willing to actually go there? Go to the feelings I’m avoiding? Maybe the answer is I don’t want to feel hurt or uncomfortable I’m not ready to sit with that so I’m gunna stay angry. That’s okay to do, I’m just giving you more options BECAUSE, let’s just look at what happens when we are angry.
Let’s say you’re at an event and someone who you thought was your friend snubbs you. She doesn’t say hello or gives you a dirty look. I’m fully taking this example from the new season of Selling the O.C. Someone got snubbed at a party, as they do.
If someone blows you off, and you think,
“Ugh what a bitch, she is so rude.” and you feel anger bubbling up inside you what happens then?
Anger usually turns you into the exact type of person that you have a problem with in the first place, right you’re like well screw her I’m going to ignore her, all the while ruminating on the situation, trying to justify your rightness and her wrongness, talking about it with your friends,
which then begs the question, do you like yourself as a rude bitch?
You’re like but I have to think that she was rude, she blew me off. But to what end is being right about that and effective way for you to use your time?
Holding onto anger is not an effective way to hurt someone else or :give them a taste of their own medicine. Other people cannot feel your emotions. Being mad doesn’t make someone else feel bad unless they have thoughts that make them feel bad. You don’t have power over other people’s emotions, only your own. Being angry only hurts you. It only makes you act out in ways that aren’t align with who you probably want to be.
How do you behave when you’re angry? Is it really serving a purpose? Or is it just a block from feeling hurt?
My highest self would rather feel hurt than indulge in anger. Anger can be an indulgence right? It’s like let me just stay here so that I don’t have to do the work of finding out helpful truths, so I don’t have to bother with my feelings, so I don’t have to explore how I CAN be in the face of something I don’t like. If I really take a moment to slow down and think about it, I want to do those things. I am just putting them off indefinitely with anger and robbing myself of an opportunity to grow.
How do you know it’s true that she’s a rude bitch? Maybe the circumstances aren’t as black and white as you’re trying to make them out to be. You wouldn’t know because you’re too busy down a rabbit hole of your own anger. What could I be wrong about here? That’s what I like to ask. What am I willing to be wrong about?
Sometimes things happen where it’s more clear, and I want to make sure you know that you have a choice in anger and how you react even if someone is very clearly doing something that you’re like no that is rude and not okay. Someone says the words “I don’t like you”. That could be a fact, someone says I don’t like you. And that’s their true thoughts about you.
So then what do you make that mean? That they are a bad person? That they are wrong and you are right and let’s brawl?
You could, but you could also slow it down and decide what you want to make that mean. Because
Guess what: some people don’t like you. I’m sure there’s people that you don’t like. And you might really have good reasons. Whoever doesn’t like you has their own good reasons for them. And you can make that mean that they are your mortal enemy that deserves to feel your wrath and BECOME a person of anger who you may not really enjoy being. Or would you rather be a person that YOU like, and leave the rest.
Like when someone doesn’t like me im like ok do I like me? What am I going to feel and do that I can say hey I like her. I’ve got my back. Does it matter if she doesn’t like me if I like me? And if I’m so concerned about her liking me then wow, this must be a soul tap to understand more about why I don’t like me enough to see this situation differently.
Anger is one of those emotions that can become so so stuck. It’s like resentment kinda right, it’s like i’m going to stay angry to prove this point. The only point you're proving is that you’re really good at using your energy to continue hurting. It’s like when I speak to women who are so mad at their ex’s who they’ve been divorced from for years. And I’m like aren’t you exhausted? Are you tired? You’re so scared of letting this emotion go because you think it’s a necessary part of justyifying why you’re right and he is wrong. You were hurt, you are still hurting, and youre piling this anger sensation on top of that so your body can never reach and heal what it’s yearning to get past. You can’t access how to heal your broken heart when you’re masquerading as an angry bitch. That is not who you are.
You know when I found peace with my ex? When I decided that he deserved love and happiness. I decided that. I decided that he didn’t need to be punished or feel the pain that I felt or to pay for his actions. The moment I really felt truth in that, was the moment I was free. I was like hey I like myself. I deserve happiness. And he deserves happiness. I don’t know the way there for him, but I know the way there for me, and it’s by releasing anger and finding out how to accept what’s underneath. To feel the hurt and let it go. Feel the disappointment and let it go. I am a human built to feel all the emotions and also built to release them. Do you know that? Your body has mechanisms in place that naturally know how to release and recover from an emotional surge? It’s crazy. We get in the way of our own natural processes when we fight for anger.
So, Imagine believing that about someone who did something that you’re angry about. Someone snubbed you at a party. Someone said they didn’t like you. Someone broke your heart. Imagine believing that those people deserve love and happiness. Does that make you angry? Haha to think that? Your brains like NO THEY DONT!! How could they?
All of those people exist separate from those events, and they are people who deserve love and happiness. Mmm, I bet that’s hard for some of you to see. You’re like no they did this thing that was bad and so they don’t deserve to feel good.
When we refuse to see that all humans are infinitely lovable and deserving of happiness, then we have refused to see that we are. And THAT is why we are most angry. Because we believe that we cannot feel happy and loved whenever we want. We believe that our lovability and happiness is dependent on someone hugging us at a party, or saying “I like you” or staying married to us forever.
What a mind fuck right?
And just notice this: other people can feel good regardless of whether you allow them to in your mind. So wouldn’t it be nicer for you to just let them go to live their lives, and come back to yourself so that you can live yours?
Sometimes, anger is a bandaid emotion. It’s the smoke screen we throw in the face of our other feelings.
It’s the buffer we use so we don’t have to feel hurt, ashamed, unwanted, defeated, unworthy or sad.
It seems like good protection—-but what are you REALLY protecting yourself from? The emotions of being human and learning yourself. Learning the lessons you’re meant to learn this time around.
Feeling anger isn’t a problem except when it blocks us from learning to love ourselves through the real feelings.
It’s not a problem at all, except when we act out of anger against who we really are.
The real medicine I want to give to the world is the kind that tastes like the most honest, loving and highly emotionally intelligent version of myself.
I’ll talk to you next time.