Welcome to the Mastering Midlife Podcast where we talk about all the crazy fun things that happen when you are a midlife mama. I'm your host Heather London, let's dig in. Hey and welcome to Episode 39, Getting DUMPED by your kids. Okay, I know that might seem a bit harsh, but it's true. This is exactly what it feels like. And today I'm going to
talk about all the feels. And here's why. Because I am going through getting dumped by my kids, and I know that if you're listening to this podcast or watching it on YouTube or whatever you're doing, that you are also in midlife. And if your kids haven't dumped you yet, they're going to. It's inevitable. And it is so hard. So I want to talk about it so that you're prepared. So you know what's coming your way, because I wasn't expecting this. I was really
like, I'm good, not a problem. And when I'm in it, it's like so hard. And here's how I'm even more in it. Like there's different stages of getting dumped by your kids. And I think because of, you know, just what's going on in my life right now, I feel like I'm deep in it. And I want to share it with everybody because I got all the feels going on. So my kids went on a vacation without me. Now, I know you're laughing because I feel it. Like I'm like, I should
be with them. But I didn't want to be with them. You know, it's like this catch 22. It's this vicious circle. It's this Pandora's box. Like I had encouraged them to go to Miami, because that's where they want to go. That's where a lot of the people that do what they do. That's where they live. So they wanted to initially move down there. But of course, you can't do that. So it's like, hey, just go and check it out for a little while. So they
did that. And they planned this big, huge trip. And then finally the day arrived. And I'm excited for them. I want them to go out there and live big, full lives. I am an adventure. I'm a traveler. I'm a wanderer by nature. And I know that they innately got some of that from me because they have some of my DNA. And I want them to go and explore the world well. They're young. I want them to experience all of the worldly things. I want them to become a citizen of the world.
And go find out what different cultures do and what other people are like and how they live. And how they celebrate and how they live their lives as authentically as possible. How they are free. How they live a free life that they love in all different countries and all different languages, all different religions, all of the things. Because I know that this will help shape who they are as human beings in a positive way. This will help them understand who they are
and what lights them up and what direction they want to take. So that's just the way. That's just my philosophy. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. That's just how I parent my kids. I want them to go out there and just live and then decide from there what their next step is. And so they are gone to Miami for two weeks. And even the lead up to them going was a lot of preparation on my part. On my part, like letting go means just let them do it. Just let them do it on their own.
And I know that. But even as they're getting ready, I'm making lists for them. I'm making plans for them. I'm reminding them that they need their medical insurance and their cards so that they can use their phone without roaming charges. And then they got to have really research where they're
staying because I've done a ton of traveling. So of course, I want to impart my wisdom upon them to help them not to control them, not to manipulate them, but to help them to make their life easier because as parents as moms, we just want to love on our kids and give them everything we can and make their life as easy as possible. But it doesn't it's not receive that way, moms. Like this is our intention, but imagine it from the other side. It doesn't feel like that. It doesn't
seem like that. It doesn't come across like that. And I get that. And I get that. So what what I'm focusing on here is my experience through this. When my kids were getting ready to go on their trip, I was planning all the things. One of my kids is more organized than the other one. That's just how they are. And so it was easier to help one than the other. And I had to let the one be like, okay, just do it on your own. I guess really all they need is their passport, their plane ticket,
and their travel insurance. If they have those things, they're good. And the rest will be part of their adventure. So I kept telling myself this, but I couldn't stop helping them. I couldn't help myself. So every time something would come up, I'd be like, don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. And then I would say it or I would do it. I can't help myself. I need to go cold turkey because
the slowly letting them go is very painful. And it's not working for me. I need them to to go and be their own person so that I in my brain don't have to be responsible for them anymore. But I know that that's never going to happen. I know I'm always going to be responsible and feel responsible for them. But for some way, I'm thinking that, you know, if I can just let go of that part, then I won't be so invested all the time. How do I let them go? How do I just give them space?
Just let them go. Let them do it all on their own. That's how I learn. That's the best way to learn. And I just don't like this aspect of myself. I think that's the problem is like, I don't like myself like this. Like because I feel like I'm just smothering them too much. I'm telling them what to do. And I know in my brain it's different than what I'm actually doing. But when my brain tells me, don't say it. Don't do it. Just let them go. Let them go. And then me not being able to do that. I see
that as me doing something wrong because I just want just to help them so much. And I know you know what I'm talking about. This desire to help these kids is just insane. It is insane. And so finally they actually get to go on their trip. And I feel like I feel exhausted because I feel like I've planned 10 trips for them because not only am I planning, but I'm reminding and I don't want to be reminding. And I'm trying to do it in a way that like doesn't come across as reminding.
You know that playing that game. So of course they got off on their trip and everything is fine. And what's the first thing I did? What is the very first thing I did after having raised these two kids on my own for 20 years. And and and we're really not being away from each other ever. Because I just love my kids so much. I love my family. The three of us are just, hmm, I'm just so in love with us as a family that it didn't feel like I, oh I need a break from
these kids like at this age. When they're younger it's different. When they're younger it's different because they need you all the time. And then when they don't need you anymore you need them. It's not funny how that happens. I think back to like the times where you're in the bathroom and their fingers are under the door. Mommy, mommy, mommy, you're like can't I just you know go to the bathroom
by myself for two seconds and you'd give anything for like a five minute break. And then when they when they become their own person and hang out with their friends not you're like you're the one with the fingers underneath the door. Hey what are you doing? Where are you going? What's going on? The tides have changed like the rules switch which I find so fascinating. But anyway so the kids you know got on their plane and all and everything is good. And what is the very first thing that I do?
Yeah I cleaned my house from top to on and I'm not like I like to keep my house you know like medium clean like so anybody could come over at any time and you know it's good it's lived in but it's good. So I'm not a clean freak but I'm not a you know messy person. And I did like a deep clean we're talking. The fridge like all of it I cleaned their rooms they're responsible for cleaning their rooms and their bathrooms but that is like a teenage clean. So I went in and deep cleaned all
of their their bathrooms like all of that kind of stuff. I just couldn't help myself and I felt really good but it felt good because it took my mind off of things like it was cathartic so it was like a way to escape if you will. And then after I did that I'm like hmm now what now what do I do? And so I realized that I'm addicted to mommy. I just momming so hard. Momming is like the packing,
momming is the cleaning. Momming is like even when they're away I'm checking up going hey what are you guys doing like there's three of them my two boys and they're a friend and they're very similar like they're all just chill guys you know and like what do you guys do? And I send them a list of all the things they could plan to do but they're not you know big extroverts and they don't know how to go out and like meet people and all that kind of stuff which is what they'll learn
and I just kept sending them links and lists of all the things that they could do when they're away to make sure that they have fun like I'm feeling it's my responsibility for them to have fun while they're away which is ridiculous when I say it but that's the thing is like I want them to
make the most of the opportunity but it needs to be what they do but so this is me momming hard like I literally would search up you know Facebook groups things to do in Miami and join the group and be like hey my kids are this age and they're there what's fun stuff for them to do like this is
mean momming hard so I feel like I'm addicted to momming I have this momming addiction and so for me personally I can't wean myself off I need to do cold turkey and I have a plan for that so we'll talk about that later but maybe you're like me maybe you can relate to this because you
momm so hard like you just it's but it's from a place of love but on the receiving end it doesn't feel like love it feels like momming 100% and I get this momming verb and title and action from my kids like they would say to me something you know you are momming so hard right now and I'm like
I know who am I I can't help myself I don't like that part of me but it's just I it's like I can't control it almost so after I was done cleaning my house and making sure that you know the kids are doing fun stuff right I felt lost I felt lost I felt like now what now what do I because I don't
want to go out and party that's not who I am this is like 20 years from when I was me doing my thing to having kids and then being a mom those we dedicate our whole lives to our families and then they don't need us anymore and now we're like who am I and it is the sense of feeling lost
very very lost if if people don't have a purpose no matter whether you're a mom or a not then life is hard when you are without purpose life is hard but when you do have a purpose life is brilliant life is amazing and as moms our purpose was momming it was raising kids
and I was even the mom who was like I'm not going to be obsessed with my kids no way know how and the next thing I know I turn around and I'm like who is this person being obsessed with our kids it's me it just happens this is how nature works so now it's time to let go and how do we do
that and it can hurt it can really really hurt because it can feel like the sadness the letting go the rejection but it's not and I try to think back to of like when I was at this age and what that would be like for my parents like my mom and I were very close but I was a traveler I just
took off I just left and I remember my mom saying it was easier when we left like when we weren't in the house because we were kind of out of sight and it was a little bit easier to put us out of mind so we were thinking about our kids all the time and that makes sense to me that totally totally
makes sense because as the kids have been gone for you know a week now it's a little bit easier for me to not be thinking about them all the time and to be doing more stuff for myself but how do we move on from that and it's called what I like to call getting a life and it sounds sad get a
life mom get a life lady but it can be reinventing ourselves getting a life in a positive way could be like reinventing ourselves who do we want to be now because we are a different person now then when we had our children we can't just go back to what we are doing before we had our kids because
we are we have experienced so much and we are totally different human beings now and so the purpose is to really go inward and find out who do we want to become what do we want to do with our lives now in this moment where do we want to put our energy what lights us up what brings us
really really big heaps and gobs of joy when we want to learn how to do what do you want to get to know who do we want to hang out with because a lot of times our friends change too because we have a friend group before kids and then we have the friend group with kids and then we have the older
friend group with kids because that changes right when they hit when they hit high school and sporting events and all that kind of stuff and so who do you want to be and who do you want to hang out with and what do you want to do and what do you want to create if there was no obstacles
if the sky was the limit because it is who would you be and what would you do and that's what you want to start focusing your attention on and we'll always be there for our kids it's the letting go that's hard and that's when I sit and think about it and do my work about it it just hurts my
heart so much because I want to let them go and be free and I'm excited for the life they're going to live I'm excited for the adventures they're going to have I'm excited to see who they're going to grow into and what kind of family they're going to make for themselves and at the same time
it hurts my heart because I want to see all of it I want to be there for all of it I never want to let go and I know that that's selfish and not possible and so I want to figure out how it's easiest for me to move on what do I want to do now so I want to focus my attention on the things I
do want to do and it involves just really listening to myself being curious and trying things try everything you do it once and you don't like it it's not a problem but you never know I remember one of my girlfriend said hey Heather come and try surfing and I was like not a chance in hell like
no it doesn't even interest me and then somehow I got roped into it and I loved it loved it and I tried it once and I was in obsessed with surfing how do I surf more when I live in Canada well you definitely are putting a wetsuit on and and getting cold but the point is I tried
something new and I loved it I didn't even think that I would like it and I loved it so it's our duty to ourselves we owe it to ourselves to go out there and be curious and be open and just try all the things for some people it's reconnecting with their partners because your
relationship is very different when you have kids it's all about the kids and when the kids leave it's about coming together and being like oh you again who are you where are we what do we want to create for ourselves and for me because I am on my own by choice it is who do I want to
become now and I have these big grand ideas and I have huge dreams and goals and now is my chance to actually put myself first and go for it so when I focus my attention there I get excited when I focus my attention there I get curious I start to plan for myself so if I take all of that
momming energy and put it on myself I know I could create anything because you're always going to be successful if you have the power and energy and love and enthusiasm and resources of a mom behind you and that's what I'm doing for myself I'm going to focus all of that attention on to me
I'm going to mom myself I'm going to start momming me in a sense of supporting myself and having my own back and believing in me and putting myself first and doing the things that help me get to where I want to go loving myself supporting myself believing in myself right it's like starting over
I want to think of midlife not as something bad but as something amazing amazing like this is the next chapter of our life where we get to do think be create anything that we desire so I get excited about it once I process the sadness and I'm going to go back into that sadness for sure
absolutely I literally will think back to the moment when my youngest baby fee was I was changing as diaper he was a brand new baby and I just I have this memory this vivid memory of being like oh my gosh you're so perfect just don't ever change and it was when he was a brand new baby and he
couldn't move or do anything and I just remember thinking oh my gosh you're just so perfect don't ever change and now he's a scrown 20 year old man hanging out in Miami and I love it I love it because in my heart he'll always be that helpless little baby oh I got all the feels when I said
that because that's what makes it so hard because as we get later into our life these memories that we have of raising our children are fresh and they will be there forever but when our kids are looking back on the memories of being kids they're going to be like such a small part of
their life that they're not going to remember all of these things all of these times all of these feelings all of these experiences that we've created for them and they're so vivid in my brain and they'll just be a whispering or a memory or they might think did that really happen or was
that just a dream because it's the first part of their life and it's such a short part and their memories won't be there like they are for us like having the memory of having giving birth to this human and having the most intense overwhelming feeling of
sheer and complete love for another human being that I've only felt one other time I have never felt that before and it was amazing and I know you know what I'm talking about that moment after you give birth and they lay that baby on your chest and just everything stops time stand still
and that is what we think about that's what I think about when I'm thinking about letting go of my children doesn't mean I have to let go of these memories or who they were or growing up how they changed and who they've become but just knowing that I'll always always always remember
those memories of creating this human being supporting this human being allowing this beautiful space for them to grow into who they are and I'll always cherish those memories forever and always forever and always and that is what makes letting go and getting dumped by
your teenagers so hard and I just want you to know that you're not alone it's hard but you're going to make it through and you're going to be better because of it and I have a plan I have a plan that is so amazing and if you want to come on this adventure with me then be sure to follow me
on Instagram because the party is starting December 1st so follow me at Heather London coaching on Instagram and I'm going to share my plan how you can get dumped by your kids and and be graceful or maybe you could dump your kids right like making this experience and this transition easier
a little less heavy on your heart although it's supposed to be like this because one thing I want you to remember I'm going to leave you with this my friends is that when you have this huge pain in your heart when it's this big it means that you are loving big and you have this amazing love
only this type of pain can come from such immense love so the just the fact that we've had and have this crazy huge big enormous love in our lives is something to be grateful for like I am so so grateful that I can feel this sad because it means that I have loved hard and big and not
everybody can say that so I am counting my blessings and living in gratitude and knowing what the sadness actually means so I hope that this helps you in some way shape or form my friends if you are going through it I am here for you I'm going through it with you and it's not easy but we can
do this because we can do hard things where moms we can do anything we can create we can be create anything we want any if we can if it pops into our brain and we can think it then we can create it so how about we go out there and we blow our own down mines let's go ladies thank you for listening always always always love yourself first and have an amazing day