Welcome to the Mastering Midlife podcast where we talk about all the crazy fun things that happen when you are a midlife mama. I'm your host, Heather London. Let's dig in. Hola chicas! I want to tell you about my adventure yesterday because it was quite intense. I felt like yesterday was one of those days where you just felt like...
What am I doing? Why am I trying? What the hell's going on? That kind of a day. And here's why. I started the morning with a tennis lesson. This is the first time I've been to this tennis club.
And tennis clubs in Spain are different than tennis clubs in Canada. And so I finally found a place where I can play. And I can only play at certain times because of my Spanish lessons. So they threw me in this one just to... so i could they could see what level i'm at and of course i'm talking to speaking to somebody organizing this and they don't speak english they're well they do speak english but i don't speak spanish so we're trying to figure this out
So I show up to my lesson and there's a lot of courts and there's a lot of really good players playing on these courts. And they're playing paddle. There's a whole bunch of paddle courts which is insane. If you haven't looked up paddle, look it up because it's huge down here. Anyway, I went to my class and we were kind of, there was three of us in the class. It's a group session and we were kind of like a mismatch of people. It was so...
funny to watch us. There was me, no, we won't start with me. There was my friend from Holland, this guy that I met, super tall, skinny guy, who also... um coaches tennis at home so he thought he would because he's here he would take some lessons and see what it's all about how they coach here and the levels and all that kind of fun stuff and then
There was another guy from Poland, and he was just visiting his family, so he was only here for three days. And this guy, short, big guy, shaved head, braided goatee. And then tattoos all over, like tattoos on his bald head, on the back of his neck, everywhere. Like it was just, and then there was me. Like when you go to a tennis court in Spain.
You don't see a lot of people that look like me. In Canada, when I go to my tennis club, it's like 50-50, half women, half men, all different ages. But here it's machismo, like it's... It's mostly a male thing we I did see girls playing but no women playing So it was we were quite fun to behold to to look at anyway
The guy who was our coach was a professional tennis player. When I say professional, I mean, he was so good. And he probably was like looking at us going like, why am I coaching you guys? But the other two players. We're very good. Let me just start by saying that. I was in above my head and it was...
It was fun because I was learning a lot, but when it came time to actually play against each other and here they don't play doubles, it's all singles and I don't play singles. I've just always played doubles in my club, so I don't even know how to play singles.
I can learn, but I don't know how to play it. And so when we play each other at the end of class, it's like, if you win the point, you stay on, you know, maximum two, and then you switch with your partner. And it was like, I was just getting hammered. But every once in a while, I would sneak a point out and it would feel really, really good because I had to work extra hard for it. But the instructor was hitting...
balls, you know, facing backwards between his legs, the spin bouncing back over the net, just incredible shots. So needless to say that when I go to my next lesson, I'll be in a different group. And it's just a timing thing. That's why. But the reason I'm telling you this is because after that lesson, like it was good to learn what I learned because we practice defense. And when I play.
I don't think a lot of, am I on defense or offense? And I should. And so that was my takeaway from that. Am I on offense right now or am I on defense? And when I left there, I felt very, kind of defeated. Because I was nowhere near as good as these other guys were. And so when we played a game, it was, you know, kind of deflating. But... Then after that, I went to Spanish class and it's the same thing in Spanish class. So my Spanish class is four hours of.
Just like your brain working really, really hard and you're thinking all the time and you're figuring stuff out. You can't even say one word without thinking about it. What do I want to say? How do I say it? Do I conjugate like all the things? So it was like a one-two punch of, I was a lot, a lot of doing things that I don't know what I'm doing. And that's kind of where the problem comes in. It's like...
If I'm playing tennis with a bunch of people that are better than me, then I could look at it like, oh, I'm not as good as them. Or I could look at it like, hey, I get to learn from them or you get to improve just by playing with them. And it's the same as Spanish. If I'm learning how to speak Spanish, it's hard when you're feeling defeated because you don't know how to do it, but you're in the process of learning. So how are you thinking about it when you're in this process?
because I'm in a class of, there's five of us, and most people can understand more than I can, and I can understand, you know, what the teacher is saying until she talks directly at me, and I'm like, hmm. Those words just all mixed together. And that's not a problem because I'm here learning how to speak Spanish. It's a problem when I think, I don't know what I'm doing. I should have.
figured it out by now. I should understand what she's saying. It's a problem when my thoughts aren't on board with me learning how to do this. That's the cool thing. I was just talking to one of the girls that's saying in the same apartment as me and she said yeah when you start that's what it's like you don't know but you just got to keep going you don't know what people are saying but you just got to keep going so make it okay so
If you're doing something and learning something and it's really hard and you want to give up, how can you change the way you're thinking about it? Because for me, it's a lot of work and I'm here just to... this part of you know this next little while that's I'm just here to try to learn more Spanish and be better at Spanish and so that can be overwhelming and that can be a lot
if I'm thinking that it's overwhelming and a lot. So if I'm not feeling good about it, I want to really notice my brain. That's what I was doing when I was sitting in class. We have amazing teachers at the school here. They're very fun. And so when I was sitting in class today, we were talking about the silliest things, but I thought, and I was thinking, oh, this is so hard. I don't know what people are saying.
And then I caught myself thinking that and I thought, what if I'm like, we're just having like these cool, fun conversations. We're talking about really funny things. And then it can change the energy behind it. And the reason I'm sharing this is because in midlife, this is what happens. We're kind of reinventing ourselves. Maybe you're getting a new job. And then you're like, when was the last time I applied for a new job? It was a thousand years ago.
So how can we make it fun? How can we focus on what we can do? How can we focus, really put our attention on what we can control?
and how we want to show up to this whole experience and then because you pair that so i had the one two punch yesterday and then also traveling alone means you're always making new friends or you're not like if you're not making new friends that's okay too but then you can be lonely sometimes when you're traveling alone it's awesome sometimes it can be lonely and I think the only thing that
makes it that way is what you're focusing your thoughts on. Am I alone? Because you always have you with you. So you're never alone. And everything you need is inside. Everything you need, you have already. So it's when we start searching outside of ourselves for that, that it starts to become uncomfortable or we don't like it. Is this happening to you in midlife perhaps? Are there areas of your life where you're feeling alone when we don't have to mom anymore? Okay, that...
That was part of who we were. Part of our fiber. It took up all our time. Think back to when our kids were young and we couldn't even go to the bathroom by ourselves. We were just like... I would give anything for a two-second break. And now our kids are off doing their own thing, and we're like, where'd they go? I would love for them to be knocking on the door right now, wanting to do something with me.
And so that can be a lonely time. You're re-figuring out who you are, what your mission is, what your purpose is. And what if we could make it fun and exciting?
What if it didn't have to be something that was a lonely experience? And then you throw in the whole menopause stuff. Our body changes, our brain changes. Like everything is changing. And I want it to be... crazy fun experience for us where if you have stuff going on then all the women have stuff going on like join this group here hang out with these women here you're not alone
But how can you already be the answer? That's the important part. If everything is inside, anything you need, go internal. And then when it becomes uncomfortable, then we'll notice because we'll start to try to be like looking outside of ourselves for the answer. That's good feedback. If you're looking outside of yourself for an answer, hmm. Is it because it's getting uncomfortable? That's very common. And it's okay. So this has been my past couple of days.
So I had options. I'm like, damn, I could never come back to tennis lessons again. But I'm like, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep on going. So I booked another class. They found a class for me. Worst comes to worst, I'll just do a... private session. The reason I wanted to do a class is because I wanted to build a community, connect with other people, just be around other people so I don't feel alone.
And it's interesting. And when I think about doing things on my own, there's stuff that I can do through the school. And I sign up for the things that I like. And then I'm doing those with other students from the school because most... Everybody here has come on their own. So it's like, are you looking to still do everything on your own? That's okay. No problem. But if you don't want to be on your own and you are.
Or you don't know how to meet new people. For me, I find, I think it's just things adding up. All of these things, one on top of the other. And then once I started feeling away, which was kind of like... sad lonely i'm like oh why am i feeling that way what am i thinking that's causing that feeling and then i get to change that because this is exactly what i wanted i wanted to come here and become
better at speaking Spanish and it's hard that's what I'm finding it's really hard so what do I do when things are hard I put more effort into it Sometimes we want to quit. Sometimes we want to, because that's the easy answer. I'll just stop doing this crazy. But I find if you really want it to be easier than you want to do more work around it. Because it's easier to study more and then become fluent so that you can understand what people are saying. Because then it's easier to talk to people.
I swear when I go out and buy my stuff and walk around and do that, I don't understand what anybody is saying, even when I'm talking to somebody. And I'll just say something really simple. I don't understand what they say back in return. And I try really hard. Like, what are they saying? And then when I think about it for a little bit, I'm like, oh, I think I could have gotten that.
But it's being in the moment, right? You have this pressure and you're thinking all the things. If they could say anything, what would it be? Can I just recognize one of the words that they're saying? No, I can't recognize anything they're saying. But that's okay. Remember, too, that that's the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. So the fixed mindset is like, nope, you're just not good at it, so don't do it.
But the growth mindset is, yeah, I'm learning something new, so of course I'm going to suck at it when I start. That just makes sense. And then when I keep going, my brain will grow. I'll learn and grow. and it gets easier as i go that's the cool part and that's how you learn new things you make it okay to not know you make it okay to be in the process of learning
in the process of becoming this other person, this other version of yourself. It's the same in midlife. Maybe you want a whole new career and that's okay. Maybe you want a whole new relationship. That's okay too. It's what you're making it mean. It's what you're making it mean that... good or bad. That's the thing. Yeah. Does that make sense?
And the reason I wanted to talk about this was because I just am having these overwhelming feelings. And it's just additive. It's not because it's one thing. It's just one on top of the other. And it's really cold here, too. I'm not going to lie. Except the sun is coming out. Like, it's always sunny here, which makes everything. But because...
Like I've said, the buildings are so close together and tall. You've got to go to the sunshine. If you're in the city, you've got to go find the sunshine. Because it just has little rays poking through the local streets. So you got to find it, find a big opening, a plaza and sit there and soak up the sunshine. I think as I was saying that, what came to me too is that you see like these cities, these Spanish cities are very social.
Everything is about going out with friends, family, eating, drinking, talking. Like you sit at a table and just eat and talk for hours. But I don't have anyone to do that with. And so that can add to that as well. So I just find people. I create, I try to create an environment where...
you know, a group of people or a collection, make some friends, people who want to go for coffee, people who like to walk, people who like to play tennis. And then when you're in the mood to hang out with somebody, then you call those people. So I just wanted to share this with you because this is just such a midlife thing. If you're going through this transition and you're learning new things, you're becoming a new person. That's the thing about midlife.
is you get to be whoever you want. You can create whatever you want. And if you don't know, it could be overwhelming. But what if you could go and have fun? in the process of becoming this person or learning about being this person or learning about yourself. Who am I now? What do I like now? Maybe it's totally different than before. It can be fun and exciting. But...
Everything is within you. If you're feeling something because of external sources, then I want to invite you to ask yourself this question, like, if everything was inside of me... I'm thinking this thing is an external thing. What could it be inside? How could I have the answer already? How could I already know the answer? How could I already be the person? How could I already feel that way?
Because the feeling that we're going for is not going to come from doing that external thing. That feeling is going to be coming from what we're thinking about ourselves. What we're thinking about the situation, it's all coming from inside. That's the craziest part. Like we go in search of all these things only to find that it was all within us the whole time.
We've always been the answer. We always have the answer. We are the answer. So fascinating. So when I'm feeling these ways, I'm like, oh, if I was the answer. If I was the person if I knew What would it be? And then there's my answer It's so crazy It's so easy But we're never taught this. And it's not easy because it's hard. It's simple, but it's hard. You've got to do it. You've got to do the work. Just like when I'm coaching my clients, it's like, here's exactly what we do. It's easy.
Just do this. But it's hard because it's hard to do that. So then therein lies the work. So yeah, I wanted to share with you.
Just these overwhelming feelings that I'm having where they're coming from where they're created how I can work with them How I can change them what I can create instead It's powerful so powerful you have this power all day every day you're the answer so if there's a specific thing that you're working on put this on it and see if it'll change if you're feeling horrible about something
Ask yourself, if I was the answer, if I knew what to do, and I could feel the way I want to feel instead, the opposite of what I'm feeling now, how would I do that? What would I get to think to do that?
What would I get to become in this moment to create that feeling for myself? And then you just do that over and over again. You keep creating that feeling over and over and over again until that becomes the new normal. That's just... your new normal that's your feeling that's it do it it's so fun and so powerful and you can apply it to anything i hope this helps and i hope this finds you living
Your most exciting midlife. I really hope because time is so precious and we just don't know how much time we have. And now that we have finished raising our kids. You know, that hard part, that time intensive, labor intensive part. What now? Just go create magic for yourself. And if you're not loving your life and living large, then let's change that. Reach out to me. Let's change it. Anyway, I hope this has helped you. Remember, always, always love yourself first and have an amazing day.