Welcome back , sparklers , to another shiny , sparkly episode of Ignite your Spark . I'm your host , kim Duff Selby , and I am so happy that you are on the other end of my microphone .
If you are watching this on YouTube , you can see my glorious , beautiful guest and if you are listening , you will soon be intrigued by her style and her business , because my guest is Lillian Gray Charles and her business is called style therapy . Oh , you know I love that . If you all know me , you know I love being in the holistic space and I love fashion .
Well , I have met someone who has married the two energy style to make you feel your best and look your best . So welcome , welcome to Ignite your Spark .
Lillian . Thank you so much for having me , kim , I'm super excited to be here with you .
Well , I am delighted to have you here . I heard Lillian on another podcast and went got to have her , got to have her . I was so excited that I was able to connect , so thank you .
Oh , thank you for having me . It's always so exciting to hear from someone new and it's just such an honor . It's such an honor to be invited on anyone's platform , so I really appreciate it .
Thank you . Before we get into the marriage of style , therapy and energy work , et cetera , I would love to ask you how do you ignite your spark ?
Oh well , through clothes , of course , I think this is . I mean that was expecting a hard answer . That's the easiest answer ever , easiest question ever .
Every single day is like I feel like I'm playing with my own paper doll , that it is my body , that is my shape , that is myself , and sometimes , you know , I dress slightly unrealistically to other people , but it always works for me and that's what ignites my spark . For sure has been for a very , probably since I can dress myself three or four .
I would say yeah , it's been a lifelong tool that I've used .
I was going to ask . When you first discovered your passion for fashion , as it were and you kind of said you've always had that Were your parents fashionistas ?
You know , this summer has been such a fun one because it's brought up all these Barbie memories and I mean , I was definitely a Barbie girl . I love changing the clothes and collecting all the different outfits and all the dolls and changing clothes . That way .
My mom is a super creative person and she has her master's in speech pathology and she did that for about eight years , but then she owned a clothing line that was sold at Saks and Bindel's before I was born . So my parents were together nine , see 12 years by the time I was born .
So she had the whole life and career before me and my sister and part of that was designing clothes , but we never saw her , you know , do that because it was before us , but she didn't have that in her background . You know .
I always find so intriguing because clearly there's something in your DNA that is related to the creativity , the being making things beautiful , the expressing ourselves through clothing which I think is so key . I always love dressing up as a child . I love the costume box we still have some costumes in our house here With portraying yourself through what you wear .
I think it is such a valid , valid thing , as it were . But let's talk about how you got into being a style therapist , not a therapist therapist a style therapist .
So I I never considered a career in fashion , I never considered myself creative . I went to a liberal arts school and , you know , didn't even think about art . My paternal grandmother was an actual artist . She was an illustrator and a painter and you know I always thought that is being artistic .
So I was a women's studies and French double major at a women's college and my I have a lot of physicians and healthcare people in my family and so I thought , well , I could be a nurse and I could work with women . I could be a midwife , I could do something that is of service to women and their bodies .
I think that was a big piece for me was I wanted to be on this journey with women and their bodies , and in my styling business I've only ever worked with women other than the occasional few partners and husbands .
Finished undergrad I started doing my prerequisites for nursing school and along the way I started like just babysitting and because I had to make money while I was kind of going back to school for the prerequisites and I met this woman and she said I'm selling this jewelry and I think that you'd be so great at it because you just always dress so great and I
think it'd be great talking to women , and my mom , I'll never forget , was like like Tupperware , like you're going to sell jewelry out of people's houses , and I was like I'm just going to give it a shot , Like , just give me a second .
And I was like the number one salesperson in Georgia within like I don't know six months or something , and I met all of these amazing women at trunk shows and none of them are seem seemingly very few of them knew how to pick out even jewelry and they were really intimidated by it and really felt like it was this scary , hard , difficult , embarrassing thing and
I just kept looking around going . I can do this , I can help all of these people and I would love to help all of these people . So I started just saying I can help . Like , if you , if this feels really difficult , I can help you . I just had this knack for it .
I had this knack for seeing , and , as I learned more about Enneagram and human design and astrology , I just had this knack for seeing what the issue was and providing a solution in a really holistic way . So that was in 2011 that I started .
And then you just decided to start your own styling company , and did you along the way ? Well , I think I know what company we're talking about , because I did that for a minute , but I've never , because we talked about human design a little bit . I'm a manifesting generator and I just try everything , try everything . Yeah , our manifester .
At any rate , people do listen to my podcast , we'll know we've talked about human design . And I'm curious , you said the Enneagram and all of these different modalities that help us uncover our true personality . Did you then go into study more of these modalities once you realized you could help women , or had you already studied ?
No , I mean , I was 23 when I started doing this and I think that was maybe a little bit of a barrier for entry , because people would be like I would get to their houses . They find me online or on social media , because it was right .
When Instagram was going and I was circulating through all these Facebook groups , people started saying , oh , the higher-line trials , and I think I'd get there , and they were like there's this child at my front door , basically .
And so I found out about these different modalities through therapy , through actual , real clinical therapy , where I would feel like sometimes I feel like I'm misunderstood or sometimes I feel like I'm too sensitive , or sometimes I feel like I see all these issues and I know how to articulate the issues , and my therapist was like you should try the Enneagram I think
you're a four which is like the creative , emotional , romantic . Most of the people that I speak to on podcasts are fours . Yeah , I started opening up this whole Pandora's box of self-inquiry , which is what I love to include and help inform the styling process .
Now , that's a good therapist who will rescue you in using other modalities rather than just talk therapy , because we do need to take some responsibility . They can't fix us completely , right ? Yeah ?
yeah , I've found therapy to be really useful at different stages of life , for specific issues and then others . Energy healing , and then others human design , and so understanding what each model offers you me has been really powerful .
Yeah , I mean it's great that you've done that , because then you've been able to obviously meld the things together . And what's so cool right now because my podcast reaches people all over and you're in Georgia and I'm in California is that you just work virtually now which is wild .
Talk a little bit about your offerings and perhaps give us a clue as to , if someone wanted to work with you , Maybe what would be the . I know you have probably a form in all things to fill out , but give us a little idea of how you work with someone .
So I really see my process as an educational one , as an educational tool to help women uncover some of their blocks . Even in the onboarding questionnaire , I'll ask you things where you're going to go wow , I hadn't even thought about that in a while and to really see OK , this is where I'm hiccuping , or this is where I'm kind of stumbling through my style .
Then we go over that in the initial session , which is called the illumination session , and at first when I named it that I was like is that cheesy ?
And then immediately people were like oh my gosh , I see why this is the illumination session , because it is all these light bulbs going off and that first session is an hour and we go over this is exactly what your paper doll archetype body needs . It doesn't mean that you're going to wear all of these things , but it means you have all of these options .
You have all of these solutions for your body . Instead of looking at like I can only wear this , I look so bad in XYZ , it's like we're really , really focusing on what works . We're also looking at your coloring and then we're looking at , kind of your core words .
We're looking at the brands that would be really great for your body , your budget , your coloring , and I'm listening really deeply to your lifestyle as well . I see a lot of social media stuff with stylists being like you're going to become the most confident woman because I'm going to make you that , and I just think that is Crazy .
I'm not going to make you confident . You're going to make you confident and you're only going to get there by knowing what works .
Yeah , I love that . It's more than just clothes for everybody . It's not just about well , you look good in this color , so wear this color . It's more delving into how do you in my mind , how do you want to feel ? I too , the world to see you , and I've always really loved that .
You only get one chance to make a first impression and in 10 seconds someone judges you good , bad or indifferent . They do . I mean , we just we judge , we're judgy McJudgersons and we shouldn't necessarily be , but I think it's really important for us to determine how we want to present ourselves to the world , and a lot of people don't know that .
So , working with you , they will go . Oh yeah , that is how I want to do , is what I am sensing , that is the way I want to be , and I hope and I'm sure you work with people to maybe help them step outside of their comfort zone a little bit .
Yes , and so I really think of style as this language that not a lot of people understand how to speak , and there's a discussion of whether or not great style can be taught . I believe it can , but I think that you have to have the right tools . You have to have the right .
You know you might not immediately have the eye or see things the way that I do , or someone that's worked in fashion or style for or merchandising for 20 years , but you can definitely lay this groundwork for yourself so that you can build upon this thing .
That's really enjoyable , and I really want people to see that this can be like eating a great meal or visiting your favorite city .
This can be this experience that you get to have every day , and you don't have to wait for a vacation , and you don't have to wait until you , you know , are a certain age or a certain size , that this is something that you just get to do .
You just just because you get to , because it's part of being alive , which is really , I think , a different way of looking at it . That really is .
What intrigues me so much about what you do , and it's hard for me to shut up because I absolutely feel like we are in sync with . So I don't want to put words in your mouth at all , but your online membership is called the Energetics of Style . I , I want to say , I wear that .
I wear that as a mantle the Energetics of Style , and I do believe everybody can . And for those people who feel like they're too fat or they're too thin or they're too old , I know that one that you're not , you have to embrace who you are and who you would like to portray to the world . So talk a little bit about your membership .
Yeah , and I'm even going to piggyback on that part and say , you know , we do hear a lot about like who we are to the world and who we come across as in the first impression . But I think the most important piece is , like who you are to yourself . What do you represent as you ? What do you , how do you want to see yourself ?
You know , if you're in the corner of the room looking down , like what are the kinds of thoughts , kinds of thoughts that you wish for her to have , what's the kind of experience that , if you were like this , this angel in the corner , like what would you pray upon ?
This woman in the room that's looking in front of the mirror , like what kind of experience would you just be ? Like , I just long for you to feel this . And then , how do we activate that ? How do we step into this ? Oh , that's that energy that I've , like I've been longing to belong , but first I have to belong to myself and that looks that .
Then visually looks like I get to choose what works for me . So the energetic sub style is freaking amazing . I had no idea that I was going to be like kind of addicted to this membership . I think I underestimated how much I loved creating , how much I love teaching .
I was in the fitness world for a very long time and I had a lot of accolades in the fitness world , but I realized I did so well because I love to teach and I love to share and impart information with , from a spiritual lens , about how to do different things , including getting dressed .
So this is really how to think about this activity that you do every single day , from a lens of honoring yourself and letting go of all of these things that just don't work . And yes , we're starting the closet and , yes , we're just doing your clothes .
But the trickle effect for this because it's physical , because we're taking things and we're removing them the action that you take as you're changing your mind about things creates this really strong energetic 180 . And the effects of that and the results of that just trickle and trickle and ripple and ripple until you're maybe leaving a relationship or you're entering .
A lot of the women that I work with they're single and they end up meeting someone and they're activating this like joy and this energy and then maybe they're not seeing that person anymore because they realized like no , I've got this boundless amount of love to give and I'm whole and I feel so good and so learning that you're good and moving through the world
like that is really special , so beautifully said and Marie Kondo did the whole what sparks joy .
I forget about that until I'm talking about something , but it is true if something , because it holds energy . It's true of anything , it's true of the chachkis in our house , it's true of the clothing , and it really has .
I was just thinking about oh , I'm gonna get rid of that and that and that because it's like and I need reminders too , even though I get rid of things all the time because it's encapsulating energy . And I know people my age who have kept their dress they wore to the rehearsal dinner and I'm like why you will never wear that again .
And not that that's bad energy , because obviously it's a reminder of a positive time in your life , but it's still energy and it's taking space for something that could go in there that would be more appropriate for how you feel today .
Totally . One of the principles and one of the courses that I'll give you guys is this concept of looking at everything in the lens of time , money and energy , and that's not to just start holding up everything Is it worth it ? Is it worth it , is it worth it ?
But if you start to feel a drain , it's probably draining your time , it's likely draining your money and it's definitely draining your energy .
So if you've got all these clothes that are like you suck clothes that you walk in and you feel this messaging I often talk about on podcast interviews like I use this beauty and the beast approach , where all these inanimate objects are like singing to us and talking to us and if you walk in and you're getting this like messaging from your clothes that don't
fit , then like oh my gosh , of course you don't want to get dressed . You don't even want to go to your wardrobe . You feel terrible about it . Your time , money and energy is just being like , just kind of like warped on you when you're hearing this awful song .
But what if all of your options were amazing Like I literally mean 100% of your options were amazing You'd have such a different experience , at whatever size and age and weight .
Yes , I want my clothes to sing to me , choose me . You know , I mean , I happen in the fashion world forever and I'm still . I still look at my closet and go no , don't like that , but I keep it because I bought it , or I think we all do that . Yeah , yeah , when you work with someone , do you go , do they take their phone and show you their closet ?
So we meet on Zoom and I like to see kind of like the highlight reel , like tell me your favorite , favorite , favorite pieces , let's look at those . And then , because of the coursework I have so much content on there they go through this holistic closet cleanse .
They bring me the pieces if they can do like membership and one-on-one or just membership , so if they're doing one-on-one then they'll be bringing me the pieces going . Okay , here are the things that I have questions about .
Really like them , not sure how to style them , and I'm like let's keep this , this , this , this , this , this and let's just let go of the rest . And I don't know who said this first , but you know , this , or something greater , is such a great way to live and I don't think it's a carrot that just keeps you always wanting more .
I think it makes you evaluate the this , which is something we should all we should evaluate a little bit more .
Yes , yes , yes . I know people listening are going to be . I am going right to my closet right now because after we finish , I'm going right to my closet , yes .
Yes , well , tag me in your stories as you get rid of things , because I want to see . I want to see how many bags you get rid of . It's very exciting and thrilling for me to watch people purge .
I have bags , I'd have nothing in my closet because , as I said , I get rid of stuff all the time . Some people have a really hard time letting go , and how do you work with them ? What would you say to someone who says I just can't , and maybe you just say , okay , don't .
Well , sometimes I sometimes I do say that after a conversation or two or three or four I'm like then don't do it , okay next , you know . But I think one of the things that we can look at and think about is what is , what is the conversation between you and the clothes ?
So what are the clothes saying to you that you feel like , if it's you spent too much money on this , you've barely worn me . I can't believe that you couldn't figure this out . You love this piece . And then , going into each one of those conversations from a , from a coaching lens which thankfully , I know how to do .
But you know , before I got certified and all this stuff , I was just kind of like I don't know what to say to you . And then I was like I do know what to say . I absolutely do know what to say , but people were hiring me for such different things in person .
And then , when I took it online , I was able to be like this is what you're hiring me for is to learn this new language and to think about this differently , so that you can get out of this rut . And that's when I was able to put all of these conversations into place for these kinds of issues .
Did I read that you also employ Reiki energy ?
healing I do , yeah , so for some of my extended packages , you know , I do distance healing .
That really came about because I knew in person that I was super sensitive , like ultra , like sometimes I'd leave a closet and feel like I was getting the flu or I just feel sick or , and then maybe a session or two later , someone would divulge all this stuff to me and I would be like , yeah , that is like clear , obviously .
And so I just felt really like overly connected to some of the in person stuff to the point where I was like , oh , this is heavy .
And so before I ever got certified in Reiki , I could still kind of pinpoint , I would hear these pings like something's off , or this relationship is not a good one , or this this person's relationship , and that could be anything to food , to alcohol , to there's a mother issue here . There's a , you know , interpersonal , intimate relationship here .
That's that's tripping you up . But being able to again put words to that with getting Reiki certified and being able to really access the different ways of describing what was going on instead of just being like I don't know something's off , has been really nice .
Interesting . Of course .
I've interviewed a lot of people who employ Reiki in their different businesses , because I believe it's just something that you can utilize for anything , but I have not heard it used in terms of helping someone with their style , which is so powerful , and , as a sensitive person myself , I get that if you're going to all these different people's closets and working
with them , my goodness , you're just attaching that energy . So the virtual world has really , really worked for you , which is perfect , and for those of you who know I've said this before and my guests have said it you can do anything virtually energy . Well , you can't get a chiropractic adjustment , but they can do .
There are energy works from here to Zimbabwe and back again . It's a connection and it is such a marvelous thing , lillian , that you have brought this to the styling world , because I think it will help a lot more people , because some people also don't want to be in person with someone .
No , I don't , I'm too embarrassed , I don't want to show you , but with that screen in between and knowing that you are giving your energy and you are healing them at the same time , oh my gosh , I just love it , thank you .
And I think that again , it's all back to the language that we use and how we , how we employ what we know , how we , you know , take , okay , I know this information , now here's the language to put with it and asking people to do what they want to do with it , and then asking people what feels stuck , and then confirming that's exactly what's in your energy
field , or saying this is what I feel in your energy field , and they're confirming it back . You know whichever way they feel more comfortable , and I don't feel like I'm putting something on someone , but it's the confirmation is pretty strong , obviously , because energy doesn't lie .
Yeah , before we wrap up or as we are wrapping up , is there something that you would like to tell your family listeners , in addition to , of course , where they can find you ?
I'll share what I always share , because I feel it to be so true , and that's that there's nothing wrong with you .
There's nothing wrong with you , and whatever it is that you can't figure out , there are solutions for you and there's solutions for all of us in every arena of life , and it doesn't matter how long it's been since you got dressed or that you felt sexy , or it doesn't matter what your hair looks like or your weight is .
There are options for you , and if you haven't located them , you just need a guide . It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you . It just is like we just haven't found it yet and we just connect to it over time . Sometimes we help , sometimes in a group , sometimes one on one , but there's always solutions for us .
Thank you Lovely . I am wearing that . I love that . It is . It is true . It is valid . So thank you for sharing that , and we can find you where Lillian my website is Lillian Charles and my Instagram is Lillian Gray , g-r-a-y Charles .
Lillian Gray , charles , and I've got a lovely newsletter that goes out every so often with links and fun things and playlists and you know , a couple of suggestions and things to think about . And then the membership is all over my website as well and it's really , it's really powerful .
We have guest speakers , we've got lookbooks , we've got how-to's and tutorials and it's really just a vault of how to figure out this style thing in a way that works for you .
So great . The website is gorgeous and you will see that it is beautiful , and I will put all of that information below . But some people don't read , they want to hear it . So thank you for your time today , Lillian . I am blessed , as are my listeners .
I can see the sparks coming off of them as they realize that they are enough and it doesn't matter quote , unquote what you wear as long as you feel good , as long as you are letting your spark and your light shine , and Lillian can help you with that . Thank you . Thank you , Lillian , and thank you , sparklers for tuning in .
Go out there , check out your closet , See what you might be able to toss , get rid of energetically , so that you can bring more into your life , more abundance , more light , because the world needs your light . So thanks for shining .
Walk through life . Every day is a new beginning . Shine your light . It's your day and the world is waiting . Move along to the song singing in your soul . Feel the beat , clap your hands . Let it take control . All you need , all you want . Are you ready to find your way ?
Oh , oh , because every day is a new day , oh , and everything's going your way , oh , oh , and you want to make it last forever . Keep it together , cause it keeps getting better .