We Choose…To Talk About What Almost Broke Us

You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us. So today I wanted to talk about something that was a big choice my husband and I made that I know a lot of couples have gone through and for a lot of people, not everyone, but for a lot of people, starting a family is important to them. I am blessed to be the mother of three, and when Dave and

M hm and the bedroom.

This is pretty vulnerable topic and I really appreciate you being open to talking about it because I think it could help some people.

Yeah, it's definitely been the news and people are talking about it more and people are open and you know, discussing it.

Why don't we start at the beginning. We've talked about our love story on the podcast before. If you guys haven't listened to that. Go back and listen to that one, so you're up to speed.

Fun one.

It's a good one. Yeah, when we met, how old were the girls at this point?

Fiona was eight, Lola was just turning twelve, and Luca was sixteen seventeen. I think she had just turn or seventeen. She's going into her senior year of high school.

You entered into a relationship and automatically had three stepdaughters, Yes, but no babies of your own.

No, no children.

What were your thoughts on kids when we met?

Were you thinking, No, I'm not you know, I'm not. I hear people say, well, you know, I want to be a great father and I want to be this and I've got to have this family and I want to do that. I never really thought of anything. I kind of just went day by day and I never thought like, did I think about children? Yeah? Did I want to have kids? Of course? Yeah. I was like, yeah, that'd be great. But it never defined me. I never was pushed by you know, I've got to have children

What point in our relationship did we start talking about maybe wanting to have kids together?

Well? Do you? I mean, if you if you remember, we we got married on July eleventh, what was it, July twelfth, two thousand, four fifteen, and then we got pregnant, like the same month.

So we got naturally, we got pregnant naturally.

Yeah, we got back from Carmel. We went to a little mini like honeymoon to Carmel up in you know, Monterey, and like two weeks later, you were pregnant.

I mean I completely blocked this out.

You gave me you remember how you told me.

I do remember telling you, but I didn't remember. It was like so quickly after we got married.

Yeah, and you gave me a gift, like you were like, here here's a box, and I opened up the box. It was like a random Tuesday afternoon and I opened up the b and it was this little like onesie with like golf carts and golf things on it, and yeah, and that's that's how you told me. I remember Liz, your assistant at the time, you know, you know, it was just me, you and her, and it was then that was like, wow, okay.

You were were you like excited? Were you?

Yeah? Yeah, I was excited. I mean I was in shock. I was like, what so quick?

I mean our relationship in general was so fast tracked, I mean in every sense of the word.

Yeah, and to have that, you know on top of it, you're you're just kind of taking aback, going all right, well, yeah, I mean that didn't turn out the way we had hoped.

So what walk me through? And our listeners like what happened with that pregnancy? Because, for the life of me, I don't remember how I blocked it out.

For the listeners, it's like I'm having this conversation, like she's fully new to this conversation. Okay, So what happened you mean after you told me, well, we went to Nancy, your doctor gynecologist, and yeah, we were good to go. And then that lasted almost four months and then you know we found out what do you mean, well, I don't want to get emotional on the first fifteen minutes of a podcast with me. Yeah, we found out that there was no heartbeat.

Do we find that out in the office? Do you remember what went through your mind? Then?

I don't know. I mean we've geez, I haven't really talked about it, you know, I think it was, Yeah, I was, I was upset.

Did you feel upset with me?

No? No, you talking about like resentment? No, I was. I wasn't like upset. I was just just down. M hm.

So we had to have procedure, the DNC DNC, which.

We became familiar with, or at least I did, you know, because I, you know, i'd never you know, known anyone in that situation or gone through that situation.

I think I remember them saying like we could just wait and let it work its way nature, let nature take its course where we could do the procedure. And we opted to do the procedure because it was just too much for me to you know, carry it. Yeah, maybe that wasn't was that had been terminated.

Yeah, it was totally heavy.

And then we had it done that day.

We had it done that day, it's like it's wild, it's like you know, in and out, but it's yeah, it's it's really heavy. And so then after that, you know, because it was totally unexpected, and it was like, well maybe, I mean, I guess I'm you know, speaking for myself, please do you know maybe that wasn't in the plan.

And so so you sort of reconciled with yourself, well that's not on the cards.

Yeah, But then it happened again naturally, yes, mm hmm, Oh my god.

Why don't I remember things?

I think, Yeah, I think you I don't know. I mean, it's a good one to block out. I guess.

So what happened?

And then so that one was shorter. I remember we had to switch to doctors, and this one was only you know, you found out you got pregnant. And then this was only like a month and a half. And then we went and we you know how they you can kind of see it, you know, starting to come around. And then this one was short. I mean, I think the doctor, I forget his name, I think that the doctor at the time was like, well, it's it's not

We were talking about that, right, and the deep sadness and grief that both of us were feeling simultaneously, but we weren't talking to each other about it. I feel like I remember a little bit of just really going inside and struggling personally and privately on my own, and I felt and sort of saw that you were doing the same thing.

I mean, I I said stuff to you know, people like, oh, hey, you know, man, it just didn't take, and people are like, oh, well, you'll get it next time. It's it was very like I just I just didn't know how it was so nonchalant. I was thinking to myself, am I being too emotional about this? You know, like once twice, like am I is it just like no big deal. I don't know. I had to like figure that out. I didn't work

So we were both dealing with that grief internally but not sharing with each other, which I think was a big problem. We'll get into that a little bit later, but I think at that time, I was feeling really down on myself, really ashamed, feeling like I was disappointing you, like I wasn't able to carry a pregnancy with you, who I loved.

And I.

Had had these three beautiful daughters with Peter, and you had stepped in and become such a wonderful stepdad to them, and you have a great dad, and you have a great relationship with your dad, and you are so fun and just like love sports. So I remember I so so so wanted to give you a baby boy, and so I think I was, really.

I was, you went down sort of a different you know road or you know, with like dealing with it. You I think were hard on yourself and you thought a little insecurities crept in that you weren't good enough. And because I was younger, I needed to fill that so called Lloyd in my life, and I I tried to communicate, you know a little bit, like you know, it's not a big deal. I mean, I didn't marry you because I wanted to have children, and this didn't

And yeah, I want to go back to that time. And I was silently suffering, and.

Also there was a lot of hormones that I didn't know what were going on that were just exploding.

Yeah, like with those two consecutive pregnancies and then those two consecutive situations, I think that neither of us acknowledged the hormones at play, and that just that my mental and physical was not the norm, and I got I would be much quicker to be upset I was. I think I was more apt to be insecure, like you said, which turned into that jealousy, controlling feeling for you probably, Yeah.

Yeah. And also I didn't help the situation because I was like, mister nothing, everything's fine, Like we can move forward like every look, don't worry about it at the time, instead of like really delving into it and actually having a conversation about her or actually like, you know, we we need to really kind of get a hold of this.

Do you wish you had handled it differently?

Yeah?

Of course, how would you have handled it differently?

I would have I was. I was. I think at the time I was more wrapped up into me, you know, even though I was a partner and I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing. I was at you know, doing the girls going and whatever they needed, whatever you needed. But I was internalizing everything like kind of selfishly like and myself like like, well what am I going to get? Like what is the end going to be for me? And like I don't really I didn't at the time. I didn't know how to handle

When did we decide to go down the IVF road. It must have been right after that, because I was like, I want to go and find out what's going on with my eggs, Like I wanted to know what if my eggs were in fact the problem or if there was an alternative for us. So I think that that is when we went into the fertility center.

Yeah, I'm not sure on the actual day. I think it was a year before. It might have been it was a year before we broke up.

I think, yeah, we'll get to that.

There's also is something I need to remind you of it probably later on in this that you've probably forgotten about. One great when we were broken up as well.

Great. I can't wait to hear it. So stay tuned for that, guys. Geez. The IVF for for people that have aren't familiar with IVF, there's a lot to it. There are it's you have to find the right doctor, fertility doctor. There is a lot of blood testing.

We had a we had a really good one. She was great.

A lot of pokes and prods and shots, shots. There was the painful retrieving of the eggs, which doesn't sound bad in theory, but it was very unpleasant stuff. The hearing, the hearing, the disappointing news that they have a grading system with eggs. And I was I mean at that time, I was in my forties.

You were forty forty five, forty six.

My mid forties, and you know I found out that yeah it was me. It was my eggs. They were not good enough.

But that's not that's not true. You had good eggs.

What was the scale did they?

I think we had a C.

It was a if you have a egg, B eggs, C egg and so.

On, and so we we tried.

We rechieved some eggs, and then they looked at them and they said, well, here are your options. You have, you know, maybe a B minus egg and some C eggs. Do you want to proceed?

Right?

And I was determined yeah, and we did. And then that that's when I remember. I just remember continuing that feeling of shame and sadness because that that confirmation that I did my eggs weren't good enough anymore, weren't young enough or able to have a viable pregnancy. So then you did the sperm count test. Once we decided to move forward, they needed to check your sperm count. Yeah, do you want to tell them about that? This was just this was the sperm count, So go.

Ahead, Like I always made, I know what you're getting at because I always make a joke about it because I had like to something out of to something I had a great score.

Wait, no, good, a little more detail please. You're supposed to have.

What you know, sixty seven to sixty seven.

So yeah, so you're supposed to have like the high scores to sixty seven or something.

Yeah I score. Hey, I'm sorry.

And then you proceeded to joke around about it.

I did to, yeah, to probably quell my anxiety. But I mean, yeah, I felt great about that at score. But yeah, like when we're talking about it, when you know you're going down and I haven't actually like visually in my head. I'm very visual, so I have little scenes in my head that are playing out as you're talking.

I do remember when you were joking around about like you have this perfect sperm count and here I am sitting over here with the imperfect you know, expired eggs. Yeah, not that I'm angry at you about it now, but as we're talking about it, I can understand like my feelings about it and how that even sent me and us into a darker, darker place.

Me thinking something so light and trying to make light of it too in my eyes, help the situation actually hurt the situation.

I don't remember the the implantation process because we proceeded. We got your perfect sperm and we put it met up with my imperfect eggs and just prayed and hoped that it would work. But it did. Its stick, It stuck, I remember one stuck.

Yeah, one stuck. But then we did oh yeah it did, and then we went through the process. We went to the next step.

Well, first we had to do all the shots. First, they you know, they send you home with your marching everything. Yeah, so we got they did the they had to prepare me, I think before the implant of the sperm, and that was you know, shots at daily shots.

Yeah, that we had to do, and Maven, you had to do it when you were you were traveling, so you were working and traveling a lot still, so you had to do it on the road and stuff like that.

I don't really remember you being a part of the.

Shots a couple of times, yeah, yeah.

Maybe like two times, yeah, out of a lot. And I remember being upset by that, but never communicating it to you.

No.

I remember thinking, I don't think he understands what is happening to my body.

Yeah, I did it. I think that that's a good lesson for everybody who was taking from us not communicating. And I think that that it was terrible that we didn't communicate that stuff. I had no idea about that, And I do remember sometimes I did it for you.

I mean it was I think just from a male perspective, it's it's obviously a lot less invasive for a man to go through all this, But what was it like me put my body through that? And like I guess you just said you didn't really understand what was going on with me physically and emotionally. How did you manage that or not manage that? And is there anything that you wish you had done differently so that maybe you can help other guys out there. And I'm not I don't mean to be pointing the finger.

I'm trying to think of the experience, and because it's not a great experience, if I'm speaking you know, for me personally, it wasn't a great experience. I'm talking about just emotionally. I'm talking about like disappointment and then seeing you go through what you had to do, the process, seeing the process, and then going through the process and then ultimately failing at the process. But my takeaway wasn't

Yeah, we got to the place. I think that was after all the prep work that we had to go through, with the priming my body and getting my hormones to the right levels with the shots.

And then the DNC scene you go through the DNC. I said, I'd never do that again. I'm never going to make you do that again.

We had already done it.

Four time, well three three times. We haven't gotten to the fourth.

We decided that IVF wasn't for us. We had already spent a lot of money. Yeah, and the aftermath of that experience threw.

Me into his tail spend. Personally. After that experience, the life that I was in with you at the time was just too overwhelming for me. You were a celebrity. I had three step children. I think I was like three. We were three and a half years into our relationship. I started my own business. It was going it was going well. I was gonna go do another one, and I couldn't handle the severity of everything like mentally like happening. So like, I just chose to kind of get out

So what do you mean you couldn't handle it? That's you decided that you needed to leave. You did that fight or flight thing.

Yeah, I think it had gotten to the point where I just I couldn't handle it anymore. But there was also stuff going on with you that you didn't know how to articulate. Your actions were not your Definitely.

I wasn't myself. I wasn't.

Yeah, I would say, yeah, behaving.

Like probably the person that you had fallen in love with, because I was grappling with so many emotions personally inside my head, right, and then seeing you react the way you react, and I think kept just pushing me further over the edge. Yeah, it was not a good time.

No.

Do you think that the girls felt all of this or did they know about all of this?

I think they were. I think Fiona was young. So Fiona was like ten or eleven, and she was very compassionate. Lola was fourteen fifteen teenager, really upset when she found out we were pregnant the first time when she was like twelve, she said she was going to go move to her dad's. Now, I mean you take all that with a grain of salt. They you know, they have a brother now and they adore that little boy and

Yeah, it wasn't something we sat around at the dinner table.

No, it's like this thing that just it just sat there and you just went, well, you know, I'm grieving, so is that going to go away? But I mean at the time, I didn't know I was grieving.

Right, We didn't even know that we needed to grieve properly or treat ourselves with a different kind of compassion.

But it's so odd. What are you grieving something you didn't even know it didn't even exist.

I think we were grieving the loss of the idea of what we thought our future should look like, right, and grieving. I was grieving on your behalf for you not becoming a.

Dad, fulfilling something that I had built up in my head for so long.

So we were separated for a while, like ten months. Yeah, I remember just like being gobsmacked, quite honestly, that you left, and I remember I had just, you know, a few years prior to this, gone through a after in a relationship with somebody for seventeen years, and I was so excited to be in a relationship with you and have a fresh start and a second third chance. And I was pretty like destroyed. And you literally just were tail lights and left me and the girls. Not to point

And then they would go. So you were still doing like one week off, one week on, and Peter lived around the corner from like the new restaurant bar that I had opened, and I would work during days and Loula would sneak sneak out and come over there. During the day and kind of see me and yeah, it was hard. And then Luca when she would come back from New York, you know, I see her and yeah

You think it was that brought us back together? Even what was it that brought us back together before we had that last pregnancy. What made you come want to come back? I guess or decide that you had dealt with what you needed to deal with enough in order to come back, given that you knew that leaving the way you did, probably you shouldn't do that again the way you did. You know what I mean, like, had you did you learn something about yourself or did you do work on yourself or did you.

I mean I think that that, I think, i've I've I think we both came back together with a sense of what the work we need to do to get

Yeah, I think it's important to like, that's a problem. Look at your upbringing and yeah.

I mean I grew up in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and I didn't want to be around there anymore, so I left.

But you also had as a child of kind of an unpredictable energy in your home, and when things would get unpredictable, it would be scary and you would hide or leave.

Yeah, I'd go to the beach.

So that was I think a lot of the work that you had to start with on the ground level is looking where that fight or flight for you.

Also like it it's so weird. I don't you know, I don't know who else deals with us, But it's the feeling you get when you're in a situation and to communicate it, like you know, it's so much easier

I mean, because we were that was it.

But that's one of your triggers too, which is abandonment, and I feed right into that.

It was like a perfect storm.

Do you remember, like, how how did you feel the last time? How did you feel in December when when we got back together, and like what were your thoughts?

I remember telling this is after the three pregnancies didn't work. After you left, after we were broken up, completely ready to sign the paper first divorce papers, we started hanging out a little bit. Then we got pregnant, and I remember I had taken myself to the beach by myself in an RV, and I I was still grappling with things and really trying to because the coming back together process where we started hanging out again was extremely difficult.

Totally.

It was like wading through shit, you know, because we were we still weren't really equipped well.

Because you I was being a little bit more patient, Like I was like, I'm kinda I have this apartment I'd like to like, I was making it like, well, we didn't we did. We did this, this and this wrong in the first like the first go round. Let's not do that a second go around.

Oh so you were trying to not rush back into things.

Yeah.

Do you think that that was because you didn't think you were ready yet again?

Yeah? I think I loved you. I knew, I mean, I was you were my wife still technically, I just I yeah, I wanted to wanted to go slow. There's a lot like you were like bullshyet there's a.

Lot there that's I feel like we still need to communicate through because I'm just feeling this tinge of like heat coming up the back of my neck. But I've learned to handle that in a different way now, not react, yeah, and attempt to communicate my way through it, which we can do great at a later time. But yeah, that the coming back together part was very difficult for me.

Yeah, that's right. I totally forgot about that. You you were in an.

RV and I called you. Do you remember what you thought when I told you? That?

Man? No, I mean shocked, just like really shocked.

I think I felt like doom. I felt like, oh, this is here we go. This is not good. Like I didn't have that joyous ya the first time we had you know, I felt like, I don't think we're really even ready to deal with this again. And then nature made it so that we didn't have to deal with it again. Yeah, so we kind of at that point got the message. I think that we weren't necessarily meant to have kids naturally. Did we ever after all

No.

I remember asking you, did you want to explore having a surrogate, having someone else carry the baby?

No?

And you were absolute about not wanting that.

No, because I don't know if this is wrong. I like everything now, you know what I mean. I don't need that. I have everything I need.

And I was really just trying to do it for you, Yeah, because I already had my kids and I was like already I remember thinking like, oh my god, going back to sleepless nights and diapers and my boobs hurting, and yeah, but.

I wish, I wish, I wish you wouldn't like the pressure. I didn't. I felt like I wasn't pressuring you in that you were No, you weren't pressure, and you had some you wanted it.

I wanted it for you, and even when you were like, no, I don't, I'm okay with it.

I didn't.

I told you I believed you, but I guess deep down inside I didn't.

I don't think you did.

Who WHOA. This is a lot. The girls are all young women now.

Hmm.

How do you feel with certainty today about not being a biological father? Wonderful you didn't hesitate at all.

I feel great. I feel fantastic.

You're killing me. I feel great that you're a great with it because I finally am like, you know what, I'm real good with it too.

No, I mean I'm I enjoy love. I love the girls, I love spending time with them. Secretly, I'm like, I want them to wait, but I secretly like, deep down, I'm very excited about the grandkids one day, one day, and that could be twenty thirty years from now, forty years from now. But there is a part of me that, yeah, I'm excited about that because I love you. I want us to kind of go shut that door. You know, the past is the past, and I'm grateful for it.

I guess we are now.

Yeah, I mean we have, but I'm just so grateful for what we have and what the path in which the girls are going, and you know, their next chapter is in life, and to be a part of that is very special and quite selfishly, I it's nice to play golf and not have an eight year old.

Oh sorry, you guys just heard the actual truth. That is the bottom line for you.

No, that's a joke. That's just a joke. But no, I'm very grateful for how the story played out and people who are looking to do IVF and are going through IVF. I mean, my heart goes out too all of you. I think it's it's it's a wonderful thing, but it's also you know, communicate with your partner is huge. Communication is huge.

I think communicating more specifically about your feelings through the process with one another.

Yeah, because I mean, what if I would have came to you? And like, man, I'm just so.

Sad, then we would have been sad together.

Yeah, but I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know if I was supposed to be that sad you know. Yeah, but my heart goes out to people who are doing it, and especially the success stories are amazing, and there's a lot of other stories that you know, people don't get a chance to tell.

Let me ask you this when you hear Even still to this day, we know people who are having babies from IVF, from the assistance of IVF, currently very very close friends of yours. How does how does that make you feel? Because I've watched as we went through this whole process. I've watched as every one of your friends pretty much has started their families in your You haven't

Maybe I'm I'm I have like I'm a little anxious for them because I wanted to be like joyous and I wanted to succeed. So I guess I guess anxious. I'm nervous, and I hope everything works out, and I'm sure it will, and I'm very excited for them.

There's no part of you that's sad or.

Like like.

No, no, no, no, because you want to go golfing.

No, not just that. I mean I I got Fiona. I did elementary school, Like I went from having an apartment to walking in a fifth grader to school every day. And then was Lola was in like what six grade?

No?

What was now? Lola was six? What was Fiona like third? Fourth?

Yeah, you really got to raise.

I went to we went to how many weekends do we do? Soccer? Soccer? Soccer? Soccers? A lot of weekends. So, I mean, yeah, were fully, I've already done all that. I haven't changed diapers, that's it.

You know, well you will get to with our grim babies. I think that's one of the reasons we're both so excited, and we might actually just like steal the baby ah for you know, the weekends for sure, and then give it back.

I'm very excited. I'm very excited about that. And yeah, I'm I'm I'm happy for the journey that we went on, even though it was God, it sucked.

But I think talking about it bringing it to light, certainly talking about it with one another, but sharing our story with other people is the key to moving through it.

Yeah, I mean I didn't. I went into this talk today now probably like unprepared. But it is emotional topic. It's and especially it's it's at the four I mean, it's in the election right now, and it's huge. It's a big deal because there this is a really good way for people to fulfill their dream to have a family.

And to have that option that right be someone else's decision is real, real difficult for for me and for a lot of people to understand. Right, do you feel good about sharing?

Yeah? Yeah, I feel good. Yeah. How do you feel?

I feel good?

Did we jar your memory a little bit? Yeah?

You jarred my memory. Also brought up some things I didn't want to really remember.

Oh yeah, I mean I had some stuff pop up too. While we were talking. I was like, what is that?

Wait, what are you remembering the time I threw your golf clubs?

No, well, no, I didn't say that. That was in the beginning of the podcast, when I was like, well, when we were talking about hormones, I was like, well, you did write that into one of your shows where you threw my golf clubs in the pool. So and then when I asked you why did you do that? You said, I want to go after something you love. And I was like, well that, yeah, okay, you did a good job.

Now, whenever we have a fight and you go for a drive, you.

Take your golf No, no, that was no, you store your golf all the time. I ran out of the house and I ran out and with my golf clubs and threw them in the back of the truck.

Just in case.

Yeah. I was like, oh, if I leave these here, they're going to be snapped.

So good times.

That's good stuff to laugh and laugh about.

That good we can laugh about it, you know.

I mean you did you did like a one you did a twirl. I'm on camera, but you did a twirl with my cell phone and then it came out and flew at my head and hit the back of the wall. And I got up like this and you were staring at me, and I was like, okay, hormones, hormones. Everyone's had hormone stories.

Yeah, yeah, that would be a fun episode. Let's just get all be really honest about our worst moments. Okay, Okay, So I feel like we've talked about this a little bit too much. I feel like we're gonna go. I know I'm gonna go. I need to decompress a little. I need to process some of the stuff that's coming up for me.

Well, listen, honey, I wouldn't have changed anything about our story, and I'm grateful we went through it together. I'm sorry we had to go through it. I love you.

No, that means a lot to me. Thank you. I obviously love you too before I let you go, Babe, what was your last I choose me moment?

Oh? Man? She you always asked me this question, like you'll ask it like, when was the last I choose moment? Well, that's easy. Sunday morning football all day. No one was here, you were out of town, and I literally I watched football all day with me and the dogs. I chose me that day, and I chose fantasy football players.

Okay, well, very habit people football can be and I choose me mom.

Well, thank you for having me on the podcast.

You're welcome, love you, love you. I want to thank my husband Day for coming back on the pod and for having that uncomfortable conversation with me. That time in our relationship was definitely not easy, but I wanted to share it because I know that a lot of people go through similar struggles when it comes to fertility and starting a family. Or maybe you don't have a partner, but you're thinking of starting a family on your own and you want us to know a little bit more