We Choose…A Blended Family Holiday

You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hey, everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us. The dust has settled from the election. I almost didn't realize that, Hello, it's November and that means that the holidays are a common I love the holidays like I absolutely love the special times of Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah New Year's. There's just you know, it's all the feels. I love it,

No, we can. I tell everyone we're in San Francisco.

Yeah, we're in San Francisco.

Huh, Yeah we did. We did a little kind of mini getaway before the holiday madness. But the holidays, like you said, and the introduction kind of creeped up on. I mean, it's November. We had such busy Octobers and then all of a sudden, you do you hear the election and now it's November Thanksgiving?

Yeah, what do you think of when you think of San Francisco. I'm just curious. This has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

Well, we got in last night and we decided to watch a San Francisco themed movie. Can We ended up on a very odd choice.

The fan.

You know, I looked at it. It got It's Robert de Niro, Wesley snipes about an obsessed baseball fan San Francisco Giants. He's crazy, got thirty five percent of rotten tomatoes. But we both love it because of Hey it Bobby.

But it's so dark dark. This episode is not going to be dark.

No, this is going to be holiday.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Do you remember our first Christmas together?

Yes? Of course. How can I forget. Tell me, well, we met December fourth, and you know, the holidays were right around the corner.

Then, yeah, we met December and then it's Christmas.

Okay, Yeah, and so I've known you for two and a half weeks, three weeks, yeah, whatever, And you invited me over to the house where Mimi was Carolyn, your mom.

My mom my sister, your.

Managers, the whole team. Yeah, and so I just walked in. I remember it was afternoon, was it like after we did like afternoon, like two o'clock or something like that. Walked in and that's the first time I met Mimi. She was in the kitchen. I went hi, and she looks at me, looks up at me, and she goes, who are you?

This is my mom you guys call her Mimi. But yeah, I just stood at her.

I'm Dave. She was like okay, totally like like a look on her face of why are you here?

Would you say? That was pretty much the look on everyone's face.

Uh huh. But you know, the people who are around you put a nice fake face on, you know, like what is she doing? Who is this person? She's only met him or known him for three weeks? Why is he here. I mean, did you think about that? Did you did you think did you have any insecurities? Like what is my family going to think? Like I'm having this dude over for Christmas dinner. When I had met the girls the seventeenth of December, I thought, I.

Thought they were gonna love them. It's gonna be so fun. We're all here, there's food and we can just hang out. I thought it was gonna be great. I didn't even think about it. Honestly.

I literally remember a city at the table and everybody just kind of peeking at me once in a while, like I was sitting next to you and you kind of had your hand on me, like reassuring me. But yeah, I mean, looking back, that was that was stressful. That was crazy.

That was That was a hard one for you.

Uh huh. But doesn't like when you think of the holidays, does is stress the first thing that hit your brain?

Yeah?

Sometimes, And I hate yeah, I hate to say that, but even when you were talking about in the introduction, you know, because the holidays have kind of crept up on us, I think to myself, oh gosh, yeah, like you don't.

See it coming, and then all of a sudden it's like Brym.

It's like, boom, what are we doing for Thanksgiving? I asked you that yesterday. We don't know. Yeah, no, what are we doing for Christmas? We kind of don't. We don't really know. Usually we'll get to that.

Okay. I want to talk about this topic because I know a lot of people deal with this. So the topic of having to share Christmases after you've had a divorce and your family is split in two, yeah, and that has taken some getting used to for me. Honestly. I remember the first time I had to hand over the girls on Christmas Day. That year was rock bottom for me.

That was the year after we met, and so we had to kind of They actually went on a trip with their dad, and it was just you and I for Christmas, like literally just you and I because weird.

That must have been not as weird for you, but super super weird for me because I'm this was Yeah, I had already experienced I think a couple of yeah, a couple of Christmases where Peter and I were splitting the girls and I remember, you know, him coming over to take them. In my mind just could not wrap around the idea the concept of being without my babies for Christmas or you know, having them go celebrate it with some other female that had just come into their lives. It was brutal.

Well, yeah, yeah, that was the case.

Yeah, I got on.

The flip side, you know. I mean he Peter might have thought the same thing, having me have Christmas dinner and then have presence after only knowing me for seventeen days.

Well, but I.

Can that was a lot of emotions in those Christmases for you when the girls would not be with us, and so that first one was when we were together after that first year we were married. Yeah, that was really tough. That was a tough Christmas.

Do you remember what it was like when the girls would go to Peters for Christmas? Like did you did you feel my sadness? Or yeah, how did you deal with that as the new person in the picture and me going through whatever I was going through having to give up the girls during that time? Like how did you navigate that?

I mean, you know, probably selfishly, I was like happy, you know, I have you all to myself and we're on this holiday. But then also the empathy and knowing like how you know, torn up even though you didn't show it, but how like upset and like it just was still kind of in the corner even though we were having our Christmas together. But yeah, that was tough.

Yeah, I remember just trying to always put on a happy face, you know, and get through it. And I was so happy to be sharing it with you. But it definitely did not feel normal, and it definitely did not feel like Christmas.

Right. I don't think we were sitting at home on Christmas that year. We would usually when the girls were going with Peter, we would usually kind of go do something right, really sure.

Just the two of us. Yeah, I will say that, you know, Peter and I, even in our darkest stages of divorce, we really did try to keep the girls surrounded by traditions, right and love and all the magic that Christmas can bring for kids.

I mean, I mean they really didn't get anything as gifts. I mean that was tough on thom.

Oh my god, it's sarcastic, you question. No, this big moment is where you know, it's really important, where you have to put the kids first, I think, and you have to think about their feelings and their needs. That would be my major advice for anybody dealing with this new reality you found yourself in. You've got to put your shit on the back burner because the holidays are for the kids. You have to make it all about them. They deserve to that peace and and joy and have

Right, I think we always did a pretty good job at that.

Yeah, now they're older, they make their own decisions about where they want to be. I mean usually it's Christmas Eve with their dads and then they come to our house.

And then get ready to what. Recently we've been going on ski trips. We've kind of kept that tradition going for the last four or five years. Sometimes, like last year, we did it over Christmas. We were like we were there for Christmas Day.

I kind of like that, like traveling just before Christmas and being somewhere else for Christmas.

Last year was fun. We had eight suit cases, seven kids, and apparently we have a we had a rab four.

Rental car.

Yeah, that was we got through that. That was fun. So, Yeah, we usually take the ski trips. We have not planned a ski trip. Usually we drive. We like to drive because we have four dogs. One year we drove up to Tahoe. We took a eight passenger van like a work van. But it's always an adventure. And as you know, we've gotten, as the girls have gotten order, we've you know, we've extended, family gets bigger.

There are kind of our nutritions, like our boyfriends come. Yeah, we're making new traditions. I think that's what's cool about as a family evolves, like the things that were so important to me to provide for them or for the for them, things change, things shift, and now they're all kind of at that age where they're seeing it's really really more about just that family instead of well they still love.

The gifts, yeah, of course, but I think we've made with the little with the trips, that's more of the gift than the actual gifts.

It is for me anyway, right, And I asked you question. Then okay, so giving and receiving gifts can be people's love language, right, Okay, so I have this. According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages are one words of affirmation, compliments.

Oh, Gary said this.

Gary said this, Number two quality time, Number three gifts do you give gifts to? You like to get gifts? Number four acts of service? And number five physical touch. So apparently one of those at least is your love language. Maybe more. I think I kind of check off more than one body.

Yeah, I would say.

Like I don't fully like take care of one category. I'm not, you know, the best any one of these, but like I have a little tendencies in each one.

I think. No, there's not like a one solid glaring.

What would you say your love languages for me or for you? For you? What is your love language?

I would say in that list, probably acts of service? I mean I work in hospitality.

You like to take care of people.

I do that gives me joy to see other people happy. I don't know if necessarily giving gifts. I'm also I also my love language is music.

Okay, that's not on here. Wait I think that awesome.

Yeah. I attribute like songs and stuff like that, and I kind of communicate through songs. Yes, in a weird way.

We talked about like a teenage boy kind of well, you know, when you sing your girlfriend and you're.

Like, I hope she goes, hope she knows what it be.

Send her the songs. It says everything I want to say to that. Yeah, you do that all the time.

I still do it.

We love it though.

I love that I send it to I send songs to the girls too.

It's really cute.

Yeah, but I would say, what do you let's say, yeah, you have a couple in there. What is glaring? One?

I love acts of service in me taking care of other people. I love to take care of people as well. I love to give gifts, whether it's like something I bought or something and made.

Yeah, you're a big DIY gift giver.

And then the quality time one definitely checks for me because.

That might be the number one for you.

Yeah, I think being able to go on our annual holiday trips has become one of the most important things for me because that quality time there's no price you can put on, you know, figuring out some way for you to be with just your family for the holidays.

And also it's I like that too, because we we really don't plan. And I think all the kids have kind of like come to know that and they're all it's just we're all just gonna have fun. Where are we going to go to general figure it out. I don't know.

Maybe that's a good idea for people to, like, think about your partner and ask yourself what is their love language? If you're having trouble, like finding a gift for somebody, and then you can you can really think about that and you can get that for them, or you can make it, or you can carve out time to give them something that will really speak to them and speak to their love language.

Needs instead of just getting them socks.

But you like socks, I do like suck. I love buying you sock.

I want all like as I get older, I just want underwear and socks.

Oh my gosh, oh my god.

That is I mean. I ordered socks the other day on Amazon, like I need socks.

So anyway, ever put it on your list. Then how do we feel about New Year's Eve? Though?

Well, you know how I feel about New Year's Eve?

Not a I just ask you, how do you feel about New Year's Oh?

Like, how am I feeling about New Year's Eve?

You? What does New Year's You've mean to you?

Nothing?

Really?

Yeah? Really? No?

You don't like sit and take stock and be like, oh my god, let me look back at twenty twenty four and think about what I want for the next year ahead of me.

I mean, can I be honest on your podcast?

Well, I would hope.

Well no, no, I don't. Maybe I should, but I really I don't. I've never liked New Year's Eve. I've never It's just one of those holidays where you feel like you gotta do something. I'm happy for the new year. I'm happy for the fresh start. I do like that. But I mean, do you like New Year's Eve? I mean, you've recently begun setting your agendas and stuff like that. But we were never a big New year'sy people.

I used to party on New Year's Eve. What you're talking about?

Jeez?

But now our New Year's E's are pretty quiet.

We found a great spot in the house for New Year's Eve fireworks.

Oh my god, I forgot last year.

I'm very excited about this year, you guys.

This is so I completely forgot about that.

You did.

Yes, we didn't do anything for New Year's Eve last year, and we were home alone, which really really happened.

Yeah, so that was kind of like a little holiday.

So we decided to go to.

Bed right at like nine.

Yeah, and just like hang on bed, eat in bed, let.

You make it out. And then while we were sitting in bed, unbeknownst to us, there was a firework show in Pasadena across the way, and we get the road perfectly.

Only if you were laying down in our.

Bed you could only only if you're laying down. If you're not laying down, you can't see it. You get blocked out.

I think by that time, all the girls had gotten home and I was screaming. I was like, come in here, you guys, you got to see this, and they're like, what what, I don't see anything?

Great?

No, no, no, lay down, you got to see it.

Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions? I think I know the answer to this. But do you? Is the answer?

Now? No? Actually no, this year I do have what I do?

You just said you don't care about New Year's even now? You have resolutions all the time?

This year? Yes, I mean I feel but I'm not. It's like it's more of like the resolution is now, I'm not waiting till January first. It's kind of been so yeah, it's been percolating. And then I'm hope you know your plan is to move forward through twenty twenty five.

Okay, what is your new Year's resolution?

Then? New business venture?

You want to take on a new business venture, okay.

Which we've been trying to do that for a.

Year, and you're going to push it through this year?

I think so. Yeah, I know so. I truly feel like life makes like plans it out for you when you're really like I really really really really wanted this, you know, and it fell through. Maybe I wasn't ready for that, and now I feel like I am.

Yeah, yeah, you got to. You gotta listen to the signals out there.

What's your big glaring new Year's resolution?

Oh my gosh, hmmm. I feel like one of them is because I I'm not the best disciplined at this well. I'm so disciplined in so many areas. I get up three days a week really early to go work out, but I never knew that I want to add the two other days I want to add to those days to get up, meditate and go for a walk. I love that still at six am, seven am.

Okay, yeah, that's good.

I wanted to go back though, because I like that.

Though. I think that that's good because when we first met you. I used to get up early, and now you're getting up like you've been getting up super early in the last couple of years.

I wanted to go back, though, to talking about blended families because I think maybe people might be interested in that, and I'd love to know your take on as a step parent. What have you learned over the years as far as coming into someone's family and sharing the holidays with them on such an now intimate level. You're such an important part in this group of people's lives. Like what would be your sort of advice for people that maybe you're just entering into a new blended family situation.

For Yeah, we had them over Christmas morning a couple of years ago.

Yeh'll probably bring Jack. The baby that took Time's everything.

I would say it takes time. I think patience and moving slow. I don't I think I was always there, but I would always like, you know, navigate. There are other relationships. I didn't want to be like, you know, insert myself. I wanted that to organically grow and.

See you sort of like step back and let it unfold.

Yeah, I mean I remember you remember. This is a funny examp of Lola. The first Christmas gift. You know, I got them all Christmas gifts, and I had only known them for you know, two weeks, and I got her computer bag. I found this, like, really cool computer bag. How old was she? Twelve?

And you thought a computer bag would be that's very sweet, honey, that was cool.

I thought it was cool. And uh so then.

She was probably like, what is this?

Yeah, well we got married and then you know, that year went on and I found the computer bag up in her closet.

No, it wasn't up in her closet.

Oh she was. She was throwing it away.

Yeah, it was in It was in a donation bag.

That's right. So that's right, Thank you for reminding me. That's right. It was in the donations bag. So you know, I re wrapped it.

You took it out of the donation bag. She'd never really nope, loved it and didn't use it. So she thought, let me give this to someone who's going to love it and use it and put it in her bag to give away. And then you went through the bag and took it out and wrapped it.

Uh huh yeah, do you remember that? Yeah? And I gave it to her, uh when her thirteen, when she was thirteen years.

Old, for Christmas and she opened it again. Huh oh my god.

Yeah, it was great. I did that with two of her guests because I gave her a sweatshirt one time, and it was a really cool sweatshirt, and then she threw it in the donations bin. I reconfiscated that and then regifted that to it.

I think you should just probably stop trying to buy her things.

Yeah, well it was always tough, but I think patients and I think organically letting those relationships grow because it wasn't I mean it was, it's always rocky in the beginning.

You probably put a lot of pressure on yourself too, like what to get each of those so stressed out? So I just met them or even even every year now, Like it's really it's hard. You got to stop and really think about that person. Maybe you should do the love language thing and think like each girl feeling a Luca little think what it is that there's is their love language, and then try to satiate that.

Give them acts of service.

Yeah, do something for them. I'm sure they love that. Okay. We talked about resolutions, we talked about Christmas.

And the blended family. You were navigating that too with me. How is that for you for holidays? Were you stressed out that? Oh? Were they going to like me? I mean, how is that for you? Bringing me over to Christmas? You had only known me for two weeks? Were you stressed out?

I've been stressed out? Yes, Oh, I think I've always been stressed out trying to make sure that the world's merge with ease, you know, and everybody's happy. Because that I feel like, yeah, I've brought you into this environment, so it's my responsibility to make sure that it goes well for everyone. That's a lot of pressure. Yeah, but I've always tried.

Yeah. Yeah, They've always been fun, They're always interesting.

Before we sign off, we do this on the podcast. So let's do it. You and me, Dave Abrams, what was your last I choose me moment?

Well, you're gonna roll your eyes.

Does it have to do with golf? No, doesn't Okay, then maybe I won't rollin.

I mean I chose I had a crazy October with work and it was constantly and I dropped you off at the airport.

Wait, wait, wait, I think I know there's this going. It has to do football, doesn't it.

Yeah. It literally sat all day on a last Sunday on I just watched football all day.

You should tell people this isn't This is not just the last Sunday that you did.

This. I did two Sundays, and I chose me through maybe three sundays in a row because you were traveling and I was home alone, just me and the dogs.

That's okay, that's good.

What about you?

Well, I certainly wasn't choosing to sit on the couch on a Sunday. I wish I was. That sounds good.

I know I've missed you during football season. You've been gone.

What was my last night? I choose me a moment hmm. You know this. This morning, I was laying in bed here in this beautiful hotel. What's the name of this hotel, Cavoala Point or something.

Yeah, I think so.

Point.

To be honest, I'm not sure I know where you are. We went to the airport yesterday and we got the ticket and the tickets at Oakland. I went, wait, we're going to Oakland.

Ah, so we just go with the flow. But anyways, I choose me went back to the back to me. I was laying in bed this morning and I just you were in the other room watching football, and I was just enjoying the moment. And there the sun was coming through the They had like these wooden what are those blinds called, like those kinds, Yeah, the like slanty ones, slatty slatty ones.

I don't know the name of MEI.

They're vertical blinds. Yeah, horizontal, same, they were horizontal. Anyway, anyway, the sun was coming through them so beautifully, and I just laid there and I enjoyed that feeling on my face and quiet and peace, and I thought, this feels so nice.

Have you seen you know, the sun's going down really early right now? So the other day I stood outside and there's like five five o'clock and the sun's going down and just breathed it in and that felt really good.

Is this your another one of your I Choose me moments?

Because I was just adding to the choose me stuff. You can choose me in any moment. By the way, if you just take take a moment.

Make a moment, take a breath. Well, honey, thank you for being on the holiday podcasts with me. I love going down memory lane with you.

Well, thank you for having me. I also enjoy going down memory lane with you a lot of memories.

I do really like the holidays, and I loved getting to share how we do ours with you guys. But the holidays can be hard for people for a lot of different reasons. Let's talk about getting through the turkey of it all. How can we take better care of ourselves when all the family dynamics start kicking in. You got to feel your feelings first of all, have your thoughts, you know, maybe take an extra beat to consider the thoughts.