Jennie's Journal...Moving The Boulder Inside

The other day I sat down with a stack of old journals I found in a drawer and I ended up getting super sucked in. They were all kinds of ramblings on those pages. There was a lot of blah blah blah stuff. There was some big ideas for my future pages and pages of notes that I take from my Buddhist teachings class, which I can tell you guys, if you want me to. But there was also a lot of pain and loneliness and heartbreak, because yeah, that's pretty much what journals are for. So I thought I

would share another journal entry with you. Who knows, maybe some of these crazy words will resonate with you on some level. This is what we are calling Jenny's journals. Here is one from see here. Oh, this is a good one. You know what. I'm sorry In advance there might be a couple of f words, just saying May twenty fifth, twenty nineteen. Oof, Am I stuck? I feel this energy literally stuck inside me. I can actually close my eyes and visualize it. I can see a giant

boulder wedged in a crevice. I can also see beautiful nature all around as far as the eye can see a lake, a waterfall, a deer sipping from a creek. Oh. I just painted such a lovely picture anyway, But this rock is stuck. Nothing I do seems to affect it. I exercise, I spend time in nature. I have a healthy family and a loving husband. We're still in our honeymoon phase. I think, Ah, yes, this was twenty nineteen.

Even all that good stuff isn't dislodging it. I am doing every single thing I have learned that's supposed to help me out of a dip. That's what I call a depression. They can kind of come and go for me. I've returned to my Buddha classes. I'm trying to eat less, sugar less, drinking, connect more with my family, trying to stay focused on what brings others joy, trying to be more gentle and kind with myself. This feeling of being stuck isn't new. I've wandered so many times what is

wrong with me? I feel pretty sure that the problem is all me and my brain. I've turned so far inward that I'm isolating and keeping everyone from loving me. Earlier, my daughter told me I was a narcissist. Oh and h is that true? Or was she just trying to hurt me? Because she's hurting. As I'm writing this, I can actually feel a weird rumbling inside me. The rumbling is moving the boulder ever so gently. I feel sad. Stella, this is the healer that I was working with at

the time. Stella told me this would happen, that grief would start bubbling up in me and play a big part in this excavation process, the excavation of this rock inside me. This morning, it was my dad's death. I was thrust right into reliving it in my mind, reliving all of those horrible visuals and memories. Tears streamed down my face. Out of nowhere and now here I am. I snuck out of bed trying not to wake anyone, especially the dogs. They would attack me thinking I was

an intruder and wake up everybody. So yeah, here I am on the green couch in my living room, just writing. Is this a journal or a diary? I don't even know whatever it is. I feel closer to this pen and paper than I do anyone on this earth right now, not including horses or dogs, or cats or any cute little animals. Really sorry, snakes, I just can't love you. You know what. I probably could if I tried, but

I don't want to. Okay, let's stay on topic. As I'm sitting here on this couch writing what my daughter said about me, I'm feeling the rock shifting as I wrote that down here on these pages a minute ago. I'm feeling a torrent of pain come over me. There is no fighting it off. But you know what, that's okay. I need to feel this stuff. I rush and worry and work and provide for my family all damn day. I try to be available to everyone, anyone who needs me.

I'm not making any time for myself. It's these kinds of eruptions that I've been feeling over the past two weeks since I met with Stella eruptions of feeling my feelings and allowing myself to acknowledge them and actually sit with them. It feels like they're just hurting me all over again. This is hard. I am learning to be gentle on myself. The little girl Jenny that lives inside me. She's feeling so scared and afraid right now. Ooh, that's

a heavy one, you guys. But that's what journaling is for. You're supposed to take those moments when there are no words and you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't want anyone else to know what you're really going through, and you're supposed to write it down and get it out so you can maybe feel better. So that was a journal entry from twenty nineteen, and that was clearly a rough period for me. Leaving through those old journals has got me feeling them all over a little bit again,

so that doesn't feel very good. It also made me feel grateful, though, for all the ups and the downs that I've been through, because every one of them has made me stronger and more resilient. Growth is painful. Change is hard, but it's actually not as painful as feeling stuck, feeling loaded down, like there's a giant rock inside of you. I want to say this to you, don't give up. Everything happens for a reason in our lives, even if it doesn't make sense right now. You never know what

you're going to learn along the way. You have to be ready for. You have to tackle it head on and be relentless in your desire to be the best version of yourselves. I don't remember this day. I do remember sneaking out to the green couch, but I don't remember writing all this, and I don't remember my daughter calling me that. But that's probably a good thing, and it's kind of weird to not remember these things, you know, I don't know. I think my brain has selective memory.

So Stella was this world famous woman in La that was a spiritual healer. I don't remember who told me about her, and I drove to her house. She lives in the Hollywood Hills and I was real nervous going in there. It's always nervous starting with a new therapist or going to a new person to talk about your deepest, darkest feelings and insecurities and really hard. But she had this really hippy, dippy house in the hills, and there were wind chimes everywhere, and it had a little pretty

view of the canyon, and I started. I sat outside for a little while before I went in. I sat outside on her deck and I I just took some deep breaths and calmed myself down and I started to feel pretty good. So I went in. She was gorgeous. When she answered the door. I was like, oh, hello, tall, beautiful lady. And then I felt a little insecure again, but I kept going. She brought me in was so kind.

I met her cat. He was nice, and she laid me down on this mat in her office and told me to close my eyes and she just did some like crazy. I don't know what she was doing because my eyes were closed, but it felt like she was like scanning over my body with her hands, like trying to find getting touch with my energy and find my blockages, I guess. And she just did that for a really long time and didn't say anything, and at times I was laying there thinking, is anything happening? Is this helping?

This costs a lot and my game my money's worth. Then she told me to open my eyes and she had me go sit on a chair over there and we just sat there silently for a while, and then she started telling me what she felt where she felt the blockages, and it was crazy. It was so accurate and it was so right where I was, and she had no idea what I was dealing with when I

went in there, I hadn't told her anything. And I left there I kind of dazed and confused and feeling weird in my body, like all the little bits of me were bubbling up inside of me somehow, like I was so unsettled. And she had told me that that would happen, and that I should be gentle with myself and tolerant and kind to any feelings that come up.

So that's what I did after I saw her, and I only saw her one other time, I think, And the results sort of like happened slowly over time as the work that she had done sort of like integrated into my body and mind, and then it sort of started to manifest, and it was really incredible. I don't know what else to say about it. It was a really incredible experience. Do you guys want to know about my Buddha classes. I'm not a Buddhist, I'm not really

any religion. I believe in spirit and energy and silly maybe to some things like angels, but that's my belief. And I've still I did a lot of different religions. I grew up Christian. I converted to Catholicism when I married Peter out of respect for his family. I'm married to a half Jewish man right now. And I've studied Gabala and Buddhism and all the things. I can't remember

the name of it, but I've studied a lot. And this class that I go to in Hollywood, it's just as a place where you go and you listen to a teacher talk to you about the writings of a Buddhist monk and all the things that I have learned and heard in that class. I take vigorous notes because I have not a great memory, so I take notes the whole entire time someone's talking. And I go back and look at those notes now, and they every time

I read them, they help me. They make me feel like I'm gonna be okay and I can handle things. And it's just the verbiage, the way the words are put together. They really resonated in my brain and made that sort of comprehension easier for me, and I was able to incorporate them into my everyday life and I love it. So if you're ever in La hit me up, I'll tell you about where to go. I was referencing

a boulder in that entry. During other times of anxiousness in my life, I felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest, like a big, fatty elephant, and he was just sitting there. She he, I don't know, just sitting there. And I kind of feel it right now when I'm talking about it, like just a pressure in the middle of my chest, and it makes it a little bit hard to breathe the more you focus

on it. And for some reason, this entry was about a rock that I had felt inside of me was stifling me from speaking and communicating and expressing my feelings. And I really didn't like that feeling of that boulder sitting in me, so I knew I had to do work to get it out. And I think you have

to be really brave to tackle these things. Sometimes you have to be brave to talk about that elephant or that boulder with someone, and you have to be courageous to take the steps to make the changes so you'll feel better. I also mentioned in that journal entry that in twenty nineteen, it was weird Dave and I were still in our honeymoon phase. That's what they call it, right that, like a year after you get married. I think that's over. I'm not trying to be funny, but

I do. I think that's past, as it does for everyone, probably in some way, at some level. But our love has evolved into a different phase. And that's what it's supposed to do, you know, because relationships are always growing and changing, and if they're not, then I think I would become bored. I would become complacent. And it's really important to me and hopefully woever I'm with that it

keeps changing. Challenges keep coming up, and we keep facing them head on, and we work through them and reach another level in our relationship and another level and another level. And I think that feels good to me because I want to grow and I want my partner to grow, and I want our love to grow. I know I brought up my father's passing in this. He died in two thousand and eight and it's twenty twenty four. I don't do math, so I don't know how many years

that is. But those feelings sometimes still come up, and they're always going to feel awful, and you know, you've got to learn because they're always going to be inside of you. That I remember Hodell talked about on a podcast that rock that we keep in our pocket. That

is the grief rock. It's always with us, and we have to learn to just kind of put it gently back in that pocket, go ahead and be okay with carrying it around with us, but also know that we get used to having that rock and we learn to live with it in different ways. And for me personally, I'm comforted by that rock. I'm comforted by all the rocks of the people that I've lost. That might sound weird, but that's how I feel. I also wrote about working

really hard in that entry, working to provide for my family. Yeah, I work to provide for my family. I don't work to buy Birken bags and Gucci belts, you know. I work to be able to continue providing for my family, taking them on trips, being able to travel places to visit my family in other cities. That's never going to change for me. That work ethic that I have and my priorities when it comes to spending. But a lot has changed since twenty nineteen. For me, I was out

of work. I was just juggling, you know, trying to figure out what was next, and like throwing all the things on the wall and trying to figure out what was going to stick. But yeah, so much has changed. And I mean, now I have this podcast. I'm so happy to have this podcast. I have a clothing line that I do with my family. I have so many other opportunities because of all that. And I think it's because of that hard work. I think it's because of

my priorities. And I'm pretty sure that my family knows that, and they see that and they recognize that. I know that Lola definitely acknowledges the hard work because she's part of the hard work. Now I've sucked her and she knows how hard it is to climb out of the trenches and be successful again and starting to create an income again. So I mean, I think it's important to let your family in on how hard you work and why you work so hard and why that's important to you.

I Mean, the roughest part of that entry was when I'm not going to say who, but one of my daughters called me a narcissist. Oh, I don't think I'm a narcissist. And she also called me you guys, not as harsh. No mom wants to hear that. Nah huh no, thank you. And in your mind, you're like, after all, I do you? This is how you appreciate me, like, you know, the typical conversation. But she was young, and she was coping with a lot, and there was a lot of outside pressures put on her. And I never

for a minute took that personally. I never for a minute held that against her because I knew she didn't mean it. I know she loves me. And sometimes kids got a vent, you know, they need to let stuff out too, And yeah, I tell I've told all my girls, do you need to start journaling? Don't feel better? Two of them do? Three of them actually do, but not consistently. And I think you know, I'm always saying, go back

to your journaling. If you're struggling, get it out, because when you walk around with that stuff inside of you festering, it affects your experience throughout your day. It affects how you show up to other people and how you make other people feel and from my perspective, life is all about making the people you love or the people you encounter feel better about themselves and feel good. And I

didn't come out of the womb knowing that. I mean, maybe I came out of the womb knowing that, because you know, we're so innocent, but I certainly lost sight of that for a long time. And now I'm able to really see what's so so important in life. And at the end of the day, it's not what you did, it's how you made people feel. And I still do not care for snakes. You guys, no, thank you. So there you have another journal entry from yours. Truly. I

hope you guys liked it. I hope maybe some of the words resonate with you in some way, maybe jostle something up inside of you. Thanks for listening to that Chuesing podcast. I love you. I will be right here next week, and I hope you will choose to be here too,