Jennie's Journal...Aging

helps me to get clear on things. So I thought I would share with you some of my journal entries. This is risky, very vulnerable woman. Do it anyway. This is one from September thirteenth, twenty twenty two. Okay, fifty, this may not be for me, this aging gracefully thing. I don't know that I'm going to be okay with this. My entire life has been predicated and dedicated and relentlessly based on my outward appearance. Growing up, I was the baby of the family and I got a lot of attention.

Then in my early career as a teenager, I was the blonde one, the hot one, the rich Beverly Hills Girl one. Then in my early twenties and on, I became a mom, and I was referred to at times as the milf. Sorry, I know that is gross, and my daughters are not gonna want to hear that. I mean, do not get me wrong, please. I've lived a charmed, privileged life. I had a safe and loving childhood, and

I have been really lucky in this life. I acknowledge that, and I am so grateful for all the incredible things I've experienced. But I never had to do much or say much. Really didn't really matter. I always felt like most people weren't even listening to me anyway. I've always felt stereotyped, always felt compared and judged. Maybe that comes with being famous. I don't know, but I usually got what I wanted, or at least attracted attention, which looking back,

I guess fueled me in some unhealthy way. I always say, oh no, I don't want attention, but I don't think anyone ever believed me. But the honest to God truth is I am shry, I am an introvert, and I don't like being the center of attention at all. I

guess that's only part of me. The other part can't seem to live without needing to feel validated or somehow better than other people, at least in my distorted mind like way, in the darkest, ugliest parts of my character better than someone or really, that's like the opposite of what I'm feeling. That's my insecurities talking. That's my ego talking. We all have ego, which is fueled by our thoughts and our feelings, which I've learned aren't even real. They're

just made up in our minds. But right now I am so disgusted with myself. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I have to acknowledge it, I guess, and expose it in order to defame it. I think those nasty egoy comparative thoughts have made me angry at myself, because now when I look at the mirror and see myself, it is so polarizing. It's either I think, Okay, you're doing good, you're a beautiful woman and I love you, or good Lord, you look old? What happened to you?

You should never let anyone see you. You should never go out in public. I know, dark, right? Why am I still so insecure? Why hasn't all the work I've done on myself until this point in my life changed the way I think of myself. Will I ever truly love who I am? I mean that was feeling sorry for myself journaling. I guess, saying things to my journal that I would never want to say to anyone else, And here I am saying it to all of you. It was a lot. That was a lot there. When

I read this now, I feel sad for her. I feel sad that she has wasted any of her precious moments here on this earth not loving herself. This was only two years ago, you guys, after years and years of therapy and feeling like I'm on my path and I'm finally getting a handle on, you know, doing the right thing and loving myself more. But I'll blame it on this milestone birthday because there is a lot of importance put on turning fifty out there, and I guess

in here too. I've had some time to settle into this whole fifty thing, and I'll be honest with you, it was an adjustment, yeah, and I did and I still do. Like maybe a few days ago, look in the mirror and an automatic oof will come out of my mouth because I don't look like that young version of me that everyone thinks, you know, when they think about me, that's how I should look, That's how I'm forever like crystallized in their brains. And I get hung up on letting people down. I mean, I hear it

all the time. You're standing with some people and somebody will look at somebody and they'll say, oh, wow, she looks so much older. I've done that, I've said that, and then I'm like, hello, I'm standing right here. I can probably assume that when I'm gone, you'll be saying the same thing about me. I internalize it as if they're probably going to be talking about me later. Women aren't really allowed to age. I mean, what the heck is that about? Sorry excuse my language, but so messed up.

It's a tale as old as time. Men get better looking, more rugged, and women just get old. That's sucks, that's just so messed up. At least those are the messages that I've heard in my experience. I don't know about you. I don't feel old in my body, like, well, that's not actually true. My body feels older, like my physical form, my bones and my things, you know, my aches and pains, and working out is harder on my body. It takes me longer to recover, and when I get out of

bed in the morning, my body feels different. It doesn't feel young and springy and completely unaware of its pains. But I mean, come on, fifty two is not old. Fifty two's midlife now, and honestly, it has become like no joke, the best years of my life. Since I turned fifty, so much has happened for me, so many things have changed in my life for the better. Mostly I've never told anybody I felt these feelings before because they're just like deep deep inside my mind, my insecure mind.

But I bet if I'm thinking these things and other people are probably thinking them too. That's one of the things I've learned is most people aren't thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves and the conversations that are going on in their head about themselves, just like I was focusing on the conversations in my head about myself for years and years and years, and I still do it.

It still happens when I have to go show up somewhere or make an appearance, or be in a photo shoot or be on TV or do anything like that, go out in public. Honestly, you guys just going out in public. For me, I still think those things, and I feel like I'm so damaged because of it. Like I feel like something is wrong with me that I can't feel beautiful and love myself no matter what others think, no matter what sort of oh what's the word? What's

the word? Like pressures that I feel other people are putting on me. So I don't know. Maybe it's, like I said in the journal, maybe it's because of what I do for a living, or just being seen. Since I was young and like a what's they call that? A spring duck? No, spring fish, spring chicken. I was a spring chicken. And yeah, I am shy. I'm an introvert, and I still feel that way today. If I didn't have to leave my house in my backyard, I wouldn't. I love being home. I love being feeling safe and

protected and with my close, close friends and family. No, it just it just makes me feel safer. And I'm not sure what that is about, Like, Oh, I have to get past that because I have to keep living my life. I'm only fifty. Don't get me wrong. I have a really full and busy life. But most of it happens from my house right now, unless I go somewhere for a job or fly to the East coast or whatever it is. But yeah, that feeling of needing to feel validated by others, I guess it's still in me.

I don't know where it comes from. Mama, work on it because I don't like it. And honestly, as I've gotten older, there are glimpses of moments when I do look in the mirror and I do love myself. I look at her and I say, wow, I love you, and I'm so grateful to you for all of these years that this body and this face has held up. You know, fifty two years is a long time. That's half a century. And I don't no one knows. I mean, we all know, no one knows if today's our last

day here. We have to be able to live our lives to the fullest and not let our minds control our happiness or unhappiness. And I don't think it hurts that since I turned fifty, I've joined this incredible group of women who are all over fifty and we have a Facebook community. Ah, that did really sound old? What

I just said right there. But we support each other, and we teach each other how to love each other, and we encourage one another, and we root for each other, and that has really lifted me up in the last few years. So I don't know, I would recommend if you don't have a group of women your own age who you're talking to and sharing store with and supporting one another, I would recommend you go get in a Facebook chat Is that what it's called Facebook chat room?

I don't even know, But go find some support on the internet because it is there and it makes huge difference. And you know what, I'm just still I think until my last breath, I will be a work in progress. I will be a body in progress, if you know, you know. But yeah, it's interesting when we go back and look at our old journals and we see the struggles that we've been through, and sometimes the struggles you read them over and over at just different points in

your life. And sometimes the struggles are the exact same challenges that are the exact same things, just different circumstances. So I guess that message is keep on working, keep on trying, don't give up, don't let yourself take no for an answer on loving yourself. Thank you, guys for listening to I Choose Me. I hope you're loving the podcast as much as I'm loving doing it. And yeah, just follow us and rate us and review us on all that jazz I love you have a great day.