Transform your response to setbacks using self-compassion, with Prof. Kristin Neff

years ago. Her work on self compassion has led her to become one of the most recognized and influential scholars in the field of psychology. Since then, she has gone on to write several best selling books about self compassion and is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin. In this episode, we discuss what self compassion actually is, how you can use it to better handle mistakes and failure, and how you can more easily say no to things that will leave you exhausted and tired

about feeling guilty. Welcome to How I Work, a show about habits, rituals, and strategies for optimizing your dat I'm your host, Doctor Amantha imber To, start things off, I wanted Kristen to help clear up a little bit of terminology. The terms self care and self compassion get thrown around a lot, but what's the actual difference between the two and which one is really going to help us out

in the long term. I would love to start by talking and understanding the difference between self care and self compassion, because I feel like a lot of people get confused with those terms.

when they're struggling. In the case of self compassion, it's how do we show up for ourselves when we're struggling, And so practicing self care might be one way we help that. Maybe we're stressed and over worked and we need to, you know, have some me time or take a bubble bath, whatever. This there's nothing wrong with that, but sentiences you may not have time to practice self care.

You know, if you're in the middle of a busy meeting and you know your boss has said something you can't like, say I'm sorry, I'm going to go take a bubble bath now, you know. So compassion is how do you show up for yourself and those tough moments in life. And so it refers a little bit more to emotional self care being aware that we're struggling. So the three elements mindfulness, being aware that we're struggling, kindness, warm support, encouragement like having your own back like you

would do a good friend. And then a really important makes it self. Compassion and not self pity is a sense of our humanity. Like you know, it's not really even though the word self is there, it's just remembering, Hey, we are a human being doing the best we can. We aren't alone. You know, all people struggle. There's something wrong with us for struggling. This is the shared human condition.

there and put my hand on my heart. I was is, okay, the painful memories are coming up, and this was there for myself. I was with myself until I felt like I tended to what I needed that I went back into the dance. So that happens a lot, right, So anytime any painful thought or emotion or memory or stressor comes up, I'll practice self compassion in the moment.

sympathetic nervous system. We get aroused the problem, which is often ourselves, so we criticize ourselves, or we flee into a sense of shame or isolation, or we freeze and we get stuck. And that's normal. It's natural. It's actually the most natural response when we notice some problem. We

go into fight flight or freeze. Now, when our friends are good friends and loved ones, when they have a problem, we don't feel so personally threatened typically, and so that way we can use another system, which is the care system. So the care system is linked to the parasympathetic nervous system. Tendem to befriend. It's also a natural instinct for others to be there for others to be kind and supportive,

and that helps them feel calmed down. Also helps us feel calmed down as well, so what we're doing when we touch our bodies, and we have research shows for instance, if someone puts her hand on your shoulder activates para sympathetic nervous system response. If you put your own hands on your heart, it activates para sympathetic nervous response, reduces cortisol linked to fight flight or freeze. If you think about it a baby, you know that we're born to

interpret touches the signal of care. Well before you understand what your parents are saying to you, like I'm here for you, I love you, sweetheart, you don't understand anything as an infant, you do understand the soothing, warm touch, and so that's why it kind of is the immediate kind of bypasses. The brain almost goes straight to helping your body feel safe and cared for, and then it's

actually easier for the mind to follow. So that's why it is such a feely but it's scientific touchy feely because it works as there's you know, real reasons why it works. So you usually put hands somewhere. And by the way, if the stress or is your boss, you don't want to go like that, so you can just like fold your arms or any sort of touch is a really good way to ground yourself physiologically in your own care and support.

That that type of feeling tone with the ad gesture folding your arms, it actually does. Research shows that changes your physiology. So that's one thing that's kind of step one. And then I usually add some language. I often add language kind of just acknowledging the different parts of me that may be hurting. And I say parts of me, because sometimes there's a part of me that hurts, some part of me that does a part of me that's afraid, another part of me that's angry. So we're kind of

we're complex. So I usually direct it to parts of myself and kind of really acknowledge again that I'm hurting in some way. I ask myself, what do I need? I usually talk to myself, not out loud, usually silently, like you know, I'm here for you, or I will protect you, I will stand up for you. It sounds funny at first, it really does. You get used to it.

You talk to yourself just like you would a really good friend or loved one or a close colleague in terms of showing your warmth, support and care and really commitment having your own back. It's so huge. Think about it. Most of us we do not have our own back. We cut ourselves down, We shame ourselves like we kick ourselves when we're already down. We make things worse, and the research shows it does make things worth both mentally

and physically. So making that commitment to being there for yourself in a supportive way, just as like a good friend or a really good parent would, or a good mentor good coach, makes all the difference in our feelings of strength and resilience and ability to cope with the tough stuff. So I might say that so like, for instance, I had these bad memories actually because it was something that happened that I wasn't happy with what happened, and I said, Kristen, I promise I will try not to

ever let that happen again. I can't say that for sure, but it's like that commitment meant to you know, I'm going to really try not to put myself in that vulnerable position again where I was mistreated and you know, I'm so sorry this happened and I'm here for you, and that kind of speaking to myself it just really helped.

We have the compassion template. We just have to remember, I think even more important than remember it, give ourselves permission to use it with ourselves.

on your feet again. It's just going to make you distracted and nervous and even more stressed. You look at me, right, So I've achieved some success and I have had setback. So of course I have had setbacks, you know, and worked and people criticizing this, you know it's academy or very political, people criticizing the scale I wrote and said I was crap and like almost literally things like that.

You know, I didn't fold. When people criticize my scale actually teamed up with a kick ass psychometrician who said, no, actually, once you do it the right way, it shows that the scale is very good. You know, So I could I thought back, so to speak, but not from a place of defensiveness, but from a place that no, I think, I think the scale is good. I think it works,

and how can I learn? And so I actually asked around my statistician friends, and I found someone who had the way to model the structure of the scale in a way that was actually superior. You know that that's the way it works.

Just likecknows, this is hard. I'm hurting this, I'm scared or I'm stressed or whatever it is you're feeling, I'm hurt. Bringing in common humanity, this is part of life. I'm not alone. You know, it's only human to feel this way. There's nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. When we forget this and we think there's something wrong with us and we feel isolated and alone, it makes it ten times worse. And it's also not true, you know,

it's the fallacy of the mind. So you bring in that common humanity, and then you bring in some words of kindness. I'm especially powerful of combined with the touch. So maybe put your hands in your heart or full d arms or whatever it is appropriate, and then just say some encouraging words. So for me, you know, people are different. I think based on my history, a really good phrase for me is I will not abandon you.

It's kind of like that part of myself, that caring, loving part of myself that often that many people they abandon that part of themselves. It's like, no, I'm just I don't deserve kindness or I don't deserve support or you know, I'm just going to shame myself, like we're abandon it in ourselves in that moment. Not only do we abandon ourselves, we kick ourselves when we're down. So you know I will not abandon you. I'm here for you. How can I help? What do you need? Care about you?

All those things that you just might naturally say to you a friend or a close coworker or something like that, it's really helpful.

or causing you stress. Perhaps it is something that works some stress or you're experiencing, or maybe you've made some mistake or feel like a failure at something. It also might be in your personal life, a relationship issue, or even be a health issue. I would invite people listening to this not to think of anything that's too stressful or overwhelming, because if you're overwhelmed, you are even going to be able to learn the practice. So choose something

that's mild to moderately distressing. Call the situation to mind, what's happening, what's going on. See if you can feel the discomfort of what's happening in your body. Notice usually those feelings of contraction or unease. Well, bring in mindfulness, just to become aware of and be present with the fact that it's hard to be feeling this or it's hard to be in this situation. I'm hurting. We don't want to ignore it. The other hand, we don't want

to lose ourselves with it. We just want to see it, be with it as it is. This is hard and also to remember that things like this they're part of being human. There are probably literally millions of people experiencing something similar, you know, some some worse, maybe not as bad, but that the point is mainly that you are a human being. This is part of the shared human experience. You are not alone. There's nothing wrong with you or

whatever it is you're worried about or thinking about. And this is part for the course, it's part of being a human being. We make mistakes, we struggle, stuff happens. We aren't perfect. No one's perfect. No one's life is perfect. Know it about you too. Go ahead and put maybe both hands on your heart, or fold your arms, or maybe cradle your face, use some sort of physical gesture. It really brings some physical warmth and support to yourself.

Express our kindness through touch and also any words of support, kindness and encouragement that are exactly what you need to hear right now, whatever your situation is. You know, perhaps it's something like you're doing the best you can or you've got this, I'm here for you, I won't abandon you.

What do you need? And in fact, you might imagine what you would say to a friend who was in the exact same situation you were, Maybe easier to think of the appropriate thing to say if you think of what if you had a good friend it was in the exact same situation you were. Would you say to be supportive and kind and helpful, encouraging, maybe just validating, and then see if you can say something similar to

yourself okay, and then you can open your eyes. So I did a slightly longer one to show the steps, but you can do it really quick. So what was that like for you? Amantha?

that's so true. You know, I'm not alone. And then there are yeah, a couple of other ones that I can't remember now, but it was, yeah, like the words really resonated, and it was interesting when I moved to put my hands on my heart that it just had such ad to really calming and warming effect as opposed to when I started the exercise in my hands were just by my side on the chair, So even that physicality, it made the experience feel very different.

just when you're quietly sitting at home without distractions. If you're looking for more tips to improve the way you work can live. I write a short weekly newsletter that contains tactics I've discovered that have helped me personally. You can sign up for that at Amantha dot com. That's Amantha dot com. I'm wondering like about self compassion exercises or practices that we can do when we're out and

about and moving, Like, what does that look like? Because that was one that I guess was you know, involved stillness simply you know the way we did it then, but what does it look like at the other end, right, right.

were seeing sick kids of their parents. So we actually taught them a practice where you'd say breathing and they imagine as they are breathing out that they are breathing out compassion for the parents and the kids they were seeing. But then when they breathe in, they were breathing in compassion for themselves. So they actually did that practice on

the wards they're going from room to room. You know, you have to breathe in and out or shall die, so you could you know, you also have to give yourself compassion as well as others, or else you will get drained and depleted and burned out. So that's something you can do. You can focus on the breath anytime, you can just say something kind of kind of supportive to yourself, like you got this, or you're doing the best you can, or you know, just just so you

know it's okay, I'm here for you. Any little thing like that. You can kind of whisper in your own ears as you're walking. There's also some things you can do that are slightly different, but this is actually more of a self care practice. But again, self care is an act of self compassion, and that when we practice self care, it helps leviat our suffering. So just noticing beauty when you actually when you're when you're out walking, just instead of just focusing on problem solving or not

even ignoring your surroundings. This is really great to do if you're outdoors, maybe walking to your car or walking outside, but even inside, just taking a few moments to kind of nourish yourself by noticing whatever's beautiful or pleasant, a practice called savoring. Again, there's a lot of research that shows that savoring also gratitude, be grateful what's good, as

well as you know, noticing what's broken. That's a way of replenishing and nourishing ourself as well, and that can be done on the go when you're active in your life.

that you enjoy doing. If it feels like work or really makes very stressful, you know you'ren't going to do it. That's not good.

just like real bravery or courage. And so because I had some work situations going on and I was being treated well, I felt at least unfairly at work, I was having these fierce reactions, and I realized that by harnessing that fierceness and channeling it. So when it's aimed at people, make anger or fierceness is actually not helpful.

And also it doesn't go along with my values. But when you can aim at not at people, but it just like at events, kind of clarity this is not okay, this unfair treatment is not okay, or this isn'tjust and there was some gender stuff going on, then it can be very helpful. So the fear self compassion practice might be something like realizing that I need to standing up for myself, speaking up and again, as long as it does to humanize anyone or it's not personal, but speaking

your truth, protecting yourself. Drawing boundaries say no, right, So For instance, a lot of people ask me to do stuff and I often have to say no, And so that's kind of a fierce self compassion practice that I use a lot, especially in my work life. And then if I forget and I do make it personal, I use tender self compassion to forgive myself and I ask for forgiveness. It happens. Sometimes.

which I will link to in the show notes. And I am a little bit below average, I mean the average range, though, But is this something that with practicing the practices that we've talked about, will I see progress? Will I see improvement in how self compassionate? I am? If I did that test, say in a month's time.

of the things therapy does. We know it does matter what style of therapy. Good therapy teaches self compassion. That's part of what it is. Anyone can learn the skill, and again sometimes it does help to have a therapist or someone to kind of hold your hands, so to speak. And also I should just mention briefly, sometimes as we're talking about people maybe with early family trauma, sometimes we open our hearts to ourselves. We open our hearts and like all the pain we've been holding inside of us

comes rushing out, and so we want it. Sometimes we need to practice self compassion slowly. We need to ty trate the amount of pain we touch, because if you think about self compassion, what it's referring to is the ability to be with pain in a supportive way. But if we have a lot of pain, or the pain

comes too quickly, and that's actually not compassionate. So sometimes we just need to go slowly and you know, learn the skill, maybe get a little help someone to help us hold it could be really a kind thing to do for ourself as well.

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