We finish reading the last three acts of Rostand’s Cyrano de Bergerac, and finally find out if this play is a rom, a com, or a dram. One of our most high concept episodes yet! The gang processes their first one star review in a very healthy way. Theo takes a look inside his own head, and doesn’t like what he sees. Jackie sweetens a baby. Rachel is bawlin’ out. Topics include: a donkey that speaks English, waiter stories, Theo’s routine, theorbos, telephone pictionary, Bob Dylan, James Earl Jones...
Feb 03, 2022•1 hr 57 min•Season 2Ep. 67
----more----We read the first two acts of Edmond Rostand’s classic romantic tragedy, Cyrano de Bergerac. It’s entirely possible that Cyrano is the coolest guy who ever lived. Listen in as we lay the groundwork for a familiar-sounding love triangle! Jackie speaks fluent German. Theo lifts weights with gusto. Rachel stands up for women. Topics include: Muppet Babies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer (sic), a good take on tertiary syphilis, Hamilton, anagrams, Alphonse Mucha, the Spanish(?) Flu, him...
Jan 27, 2022•1 hr 43 min•Season 2Ep. 66
Join us for the dramatic ending of 1984! At the end of episode 2, Winston had been captured by the party, and thrown in prison. Let’s see what becomes of him and his gal pal Julia. Most importantly, let’s see if your hosts fire this book out of the dang canon! Theo does a seriously amazing job remembering what we’ve read so far. Jackie sings Fast Car, as is customary. Rachel blatantly virtue signals. Topics include: the agents of SHIELD, Rudyard Kipling, God vs. GAWD, what to look for in an apar...
Jan 20, 2022•1 hr 43 min•Season 2Ep. 65
Things in Oceania are really heating up! This time around, our hero Winston gets up to some seriously illegal (romantic) mischief. Rachel falls down the side of a mountain. Jackie refuses to put a price on her dignity. Theo gets decked by a fourth grader. Thoo, if you’re out there, get in touch. Topics include: Ireland, Cook Out, pirates, No Nut November, goiter treatment tips, a pleasant Covid surprise, Elisir Novasalus, Jeff Bezos (our nemesis), Arnold Schwarzenegger, chopper controversy, and ...
Jan 13, 2022•1 hr 29 min•Season 2Ep. 64
The first in our Hot Takes series! Bonus content, inspired by our listeners. For full context, revisit our Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening episode. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★
Jan 11, 2022•6 min•Season 2Ep. 63
Well, a new year has come, and once again we find ourselves in 1984. Or do we???? Join us as we discuss Part 1 of George Orwell’s dystopian classic. Theo immediately causes trouble/aspires to become a party man. Jackie throws her hat in the ring for the Most Confusing Sentence Award. Rachel quotes her favorite politicians. Theo’s brother makes his podcast debut. Topics include: the traditional LotR quote, overalls, the Vape Queen, conversion trouble, milk bars, hacking, creepy bathrooms, homemad...
Jan 06, 2022•1 hr 18 min•Season 2Ep. 62
A new year is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than to continue our tradition of joking our way through each of Charles Dickens’ five Christmas Books? In ‘The Chimes: A Goblin Story of Some Bells that Rang an Old Year Out and a New Year In,’ a poor old man learns a valuable lesson about the dangers of tripe consumption. Theo reveals a newer, more sultry side. Jackie wishes we wouldn’t sexualize everything. Rachel fondly recalls a childhood friend with a surprising talent. We all get ver...
Dec 30, 2021•1 hr 25 min•Season 2Ep. 61
Merry Christmas Eve-Eve, everyone! We sat down (virtually) with John Allison, Eisner award-winning comic book writer and artist, to hash out our thoughts on 'Hercule Poirot's Christmas' by Agatha Christie. We covered the plot in our last episode, so check that out first if you haven't already! Spoilers, of course, abound. And, even better, John gives us an inside look at his creative process. Topics include: fear-based universe-building, olive oil hikes, shame potatoes, aphantasia, figgy pudding...
Dec 23, 2021•1 hr 14 min•Season 2Ep. 60
We read Agatha Christie’s Christmas mystery (Christery) classic, and share our favorite flavors. Spoilers for this decades old book abound! An old man is found dead in a giant pool of blood, after what seems to be a struggle. Which of his innumerable children did the deed?! Rachel builds suspense. Jackie is fine with being either friends or more than friends. Theo becomes a random word generator. Topics include: umami, Christeriousness, David Suchet, little gray cells, Wilson’s baby, creaminess,...
Dec 16, 2021•1 hr 20 min•Season 2Ep. 59
It’s our special anniversary episode! We decided it was high time we figured out if we were doing this whole friendship thing right, so we checked in with the ancient Roman philosopher Cicero. Rachel refuses to relitigate the major theme of The Odyssey. Jackie gets TWO more cats, seriously! Theo reveals what he values above all else. Topics include: limericks yet again, two wolves, the fall of the Roman Empire, Caesar himself, Facebook vs. Meta, chickpeas, gorgeous beans, senex amators, chickpea...
Dec 09, 2021•1 hr 23 min•Season 2Ep. 58
We read that wintry Frosty Rob classic! Here’s the deal: we literally talked about this poem for almost a week after recording. Should we have said some of that stuff during the episode? You decide. Anyway, don’t miss the Marvel-style post-credits scene! Theo is looking for a sugar mama (this is not a joke). Rachel gets s’owned. Jackie munches on some paper. Topics include: sea shanties, French henchmen, the United Nations flag, classic slapstick, the Beatles, Vietnam, Dominic Monaghan, Elijah W...
Dec 02, 2021•40 min•Season 2Ep. 57
We read Aristophanes’ classic Ancient Greek sex comedy, Lysistrata! It’s good to be back, baby. Join us as we revel in this extremely crude no-nut classic. Theo finally keeps his dang shirt on. Jackie writes a road rap. Rachel brags about her great rapport with babies.Topics include: a billion dick jokes, No Nut November, a compliment pizza, Lucky Charms, NPR joke books, Lake Wobegon, Monica Lewinsky, Millenials, allergy denial, walking poo, Opa callbacks, Puke Bush Swamp, Bingoing, dads and veg...
Nov 25, 2021•1 hr 44 min•Season 2Ep. 56
The curtain closes on our reading of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s classic book, The Little Prince. Appropriately, this episode bounces around between silly, informative, and touching. Join us on this journey through the stars! Theo goes from nasty & rude to touching. Jackie is called Scary Theo & Scary Jack. (Jackie’s cats don’t make the cut.). Rachel tells a seriously gruesome tale. Topics include: rats vs. mice, the WNBA, Moses Moody, pigs and pancakes, procrastination, the cat keeper, t...
Nov 18, 2021•1 hr 46 min•Season 2Ep. 55
We hosted a watch party of the (spoilers) BIZARRE 1980s Dune, and then separately watched the 2021 version, and now we’re here to tell you all what we think. Theo loves David Lynch’s grotesquerie. Jess is Judge Judy. Rachel shares her favorite group of white guys. Jackie doesn’t want to talk about Dune ever again. Topics include: Saw, torture porn vs. food porn, Biblical-level disgusting, anti-gravity belts, hot pot, Timmy Chevrolet, Daddy Leto, Mimosa Mike, Ursula K. Le Guin, NK Jemisin, Duncan...
Nov 11, 2021•1 hr 23 min•Season 2Ep. 54
The gang reads and discusses Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s melancholy children’s classic The Little Prince. Turns out Saint-Exupéry led a surprisingly exciting and sensual life! Find out all about it in this exclusive episode. (Our apologies in advance for the probably-offensive attempts at French accents.) Rachel is the freaking birthday girl. Jackie’s not very wrong. Theo forbids his friends from harmonizing. Topics include: No Nut November, Handel’s Messiah, friendly pranks, Professor Josh Levin...
Nov 04, 2021•55 min•Season 2Ep. 53
Happy Halloween, canoneers! In this spooktacular bonus episode, we read and discuss five selections from Alvin Schwartz's "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" series. Infamous for their horrifyingly non-child friendly accompanying illustrations, these lil guys were a staple of late twentieth century childhood (for one of our hosts, anyway). Theo gets white girl wasted and removes his shirt. Jackie's mailbox is used to commit multiple felonies. Rachel keeps it light. And finally, two out of two wo...
Oct 31, 2021•1 hr 5 min•Season 2Ep. 52
Time for some Dune analysis, y’all! (For more plot-centric discussion, check out our previous episode Dune: Our Friends the Worms.). We brought on our good friend Jack Morgan, former comedian/current doctor, to discuss his favorite(?) book. If you want to hear us dig in to the meat of the book, this is the episode for you. Jack doxes his own baby. Rachel schedules a guest well in advance. Jackie owns and leans into her hunger. Theo lets out a well-timed Lord of the Rings quote. Topics include: T...
Oct 28, 2021•45 min•Season 2Ep. 51
In honor of the baby our planned guest just HAD to have on our recording day, we decided to instead record an episode based on a poorly-written blog’s list of the 10 supposedly strangest births in Greek mythology. Theo brings his A game with all the potty talk. Jackie DOES NOT misgender an old lady and buys lots of syrup. Rachel is honestly disgusted. Topics include: bad Yelp reviews, fart*** ***holes, The Tangerine Bear, Corduroy, Ted, the Family Guy guy, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Caesarian secti...
Oct 21, 2021•1 hr 1 min•Season 2Ep. 50
They said it couldn’t be done, but we did it! That’s right - in ONE episode, we manage to discuss all 800 pages of the sci-fi classic Dune, by Frank Herbert. (For a more analysis-heavy discussion, check out our later episode Frank Herbert's Dune: Little Miss Livermush.) Today as a guest, we have the world’s greatest Dunespert! (No, not Frank Herbert.) Rachel virtue signals about gummy diversity. Jackie explains K-pop boys to us. Theo realizes he’s had two Fremen by his side all along. Topics inc...
Oct 14, 2021•1 hr 50 min•Season 2Ep. 49
Today we have a special guest: Ruthanna Emrys, author of the neo-Lovecraftian Innsmouth Legacy series. Ruthanna gives us a quick rundown of H.P. Lovecraft’s life and work, and we have a great time discussing The Whisperer in Darkness, starring our most gullible protagonist yet (and maybe some aliens???). Topics include: brains in jars, Star Trek vs Star Wars, Orlando Bloom, secret fish people ancestry, human skin suits, Jim Henson’s Labyrinth, cutting-edge migraine treatments Recommendations and...
Oct 07, 2021•1 hr 19 min•Season 2Ep. 48
Today, (most of) the gang reads a short story by Dostoevsky, in which a ridiculous man has a significant dream and won’t shut up about it. Theo is a birthday boy producer! Jackie is too old for a milk carton yet too young for a Smuckers jar. Rachel is insulted by someone who should really know better. Topics include: the 3 host problem, Wheaties, Count Chocula, Dracula Weekly, Drac of the Month, Got Milk ads, convoluted insults, Colossal D, dead Russian juice, inhuman plumbers, Super Mario, the ...
Sep 30, 2021•1 hr 9 min•Season 2Ep. 47
In this episode, we wrap up the final 9 chapters of Wuthering Heights. Things get weird! Like… so weird it’s honestly astonishing this was written before the advent of the internet. Theo doesn’t know anything about wrestling. Jackie exercises her right to womanterrupt. Rachel has a slight falling out with Nelly Dean. And unfortunately for Jackie, our pronunciation consultant Joshua strikes again. Topics include: Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense, AI, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Charl...
Sep 23, 2021•1 hr 27 min•Season 2Ep. 46
In this episode, chapters 10 through 24 are no match for the fearless FTC gang, who continue to unravel the gothic, ghostly tale of Cathy and Heathcliff, along with the useless Mr. Lockwood and the shrewd housekeeper Nelly, who everyone agrees is a huge meddler. Is she a hapless rube forced into the middle of the action by those stronger than her, or is she simply a messy bitch who loves drama? Rachel finds a huge bag of donuts. Jackie proves she can continue a joke train forever. Theo cries ove...
Sep 16, 2021•1 hr 30 min•Season 2Ep. 45
In this episode, Rachel and Jackie revisit a book their teenage selves did not truly appreciate, having at the time no taste for the grotesque and cruel - Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. Now that all that has changed, the gang has no trouble diving into chapters 1 through 9 for your listening pleasure, as well as discussing the brief but brilliant life of its author. Rachel makes a thinly-veiled request for the human centipede jokes to stop. Jackie avers that chests and breasts are somehow tw...
Sep 09, 2021•1 hr 23 min•Season 2Ep. 45
In this episode we talk to the delightful Dr. Lotte Reinbold, professor of Medieval Literature! We ask her all our weirdest questions about chivalry, old manuscripts, and which historical figure she’d most want to date, and in return she grants us knowledge. Topics include: Dungeons & Dragons, Sir Gawain & the Green Knight, Robert Cotton, Tide PODS, Lord of the Rings (as usual), The Canterbury Tales, forgery, Thomas Chatterton, female sexuality, Margery Kempe, Julian of Norwich, Christia...
Sep 02, 2021•56 min•Season 1Ep. 43
We read the first ever installment of the Goosebumps series by none other than R.L. Stine himself. In Welcome to Dead House, we meet an ordinary 12-year old girl with normal looks and a normal nuclear family who experiences a sudden change in circumstances, then terror ensues. The same description could apply to literally any Goosebumps book, but somehow ol’ Stiney Boy keeps the scares coming! Topics include: monster blood, unlikely friendships, the Audubon Society, zombie dogs, THE Ohio State U...
Aug 26, 2021•1 hr 11 min•Season 1Ep. 1001
In this episode, we discuss the children’s bedtime classic Goodnight Moon, and the life of its author, Margaret Wise Brown. Rachel puts her law degree to good use. Theo is the proud owner of a very old 2010 Toyota Corolla. Jackie shares her opinion on Osama bin Laden (negative). Topics include: antique cars, Jackie’s Opa, 9/11, cuneiform, Bartleby-ing, Long Island, beagles vs. other hounds, affluenza, landscape gardeners, child psychology, Pat the Bunny, Samwise Gamgee, erotic poetry, Susan Sara...
Aug 19, 2021•1 hr 2 min•Season 1Ep. 42
In this episode, we cover the final section of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, as translated by Simon Aritage. He’s back! And by “he,” we mean both Sir Gawain and special guest Jacob, from the Underrated/Overhated podcast, so maybe we should have just said “they.” Turns out they’re both from the same neck of the woods. Sir Gawain finally comes face to face with his nemesis once more. Jackie has a “horrible” allergy voice. Rachel is accused of lacking charisma. Theo relates to a character. Topic...
Aug 12, 2021•51 min•Season 1Ep. 41
We read Fitt 3 of the classic English poem, Sir Gawain & the Green Knight, as translated by Simon Armitage. Who wrote it? We still don’t know. In this section, Sir Gawain gets involved in a weird bisexual power trip with his mysterious hosts. It’s odd! Jackie gets impossible feedback. Rachel gets vaccinated and reveals a hitherto undiscovered skill! Theo’s just doin’ his thing. Topics include: irresponsible youthful tattoos, LIMERICKPALOOZA, aminals, good host/bad host, Wikipedia holes, da s...
Aug 05, 2021•1 hr 3 min•Season 1Ep. 40
We read the first half of the epic Arthurian romance, Sir Gawain & the Green Knight, as translated by Simon Armitage. (If you’re here from the movie, welcome!) Sir Gawain plays a “game” where he cuts off a guy’s head, and then that guy gets to cut off his head a year and a day later. Why did he agree to play that game?! Listen to find out. Theo creates a surprising utopia. Jackie can think, she just can’t talk. Rachel dresses appropriately. Topics include: Beowulf, the Trojan War, wisdom tee...
Jul 29, 2021•1 hr 12 min•Season 1Ep. 39
